--- allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

Date:        Sun, 12 Sep 1999 21:37:53 -0700 (PDT)
   From:        Lucres Annuiteas
<master_l_@yahoo.com>
 | Block address
 Subject:        [FFML] [Fanfic][Mostly Silly][Ranma
1/2] Ranma Gets Fed Up
     To:        ffml@fanfic.com

                                                    
 
              Add Addresses 
HI,
Comments##
Everything is IMO. Take what you find useful and
ignore the rest. 

Don't have to tell me twice =P

        I don't own Ranma 1/2, or it's characters.
Others do.
If I said anymore, I'd be putting too much thought
into my disclaimer. (....D'oh!)

Darn, I should have read this over before sending it.
Oh well.

                RANMA GETS FED UP


                                                    
 
              By Lucres Annuiteas
 

<SNIP>

        Ranma was finally finished with his work
out.
Though,
Akane had provided for a distraction, he still got
in
plenty of exercise. He'd worked up a good sweat too,
and a nice bath was what he needed. Grabbing the
things he would need, he looked for a pair of good
boxers. He grimaced when he saw the only clean
underwear were the ones his mother had bought the
last
time she was out. Nodoka Saotome apparently had
developed a fetish for Western cartoons. 
##delete or change �good'

I guess so...

        She'd given him a pair of boxers with a
white
background and bright red hearts covering the
material, claiming they were "So cute!". Ranma
resigned himself to wearing the shorts. There was
nothing else left, and it wasn't like anyone was
going
to look at his underpants, anyway. So, taking
strange
undergarments and his other bathing materials, he
headed for the changing room.
##delete or change�strange'

Oops. It should read 'the strange undergarments'. Not
sure if that would changing anything, though.

        As Ranma finally settled into the furo, he
briefly wondered what would be for breakfast.
##Nice description overall. 

I thought it was a little abrupt, considering that
people might not have read the prologue.

$ $ $

        Everyone settled down at the table to eat
breakfast.
Nabiki had finally decided to get up, not wanting to
waste away a good day. Soun Tendou was asking Akane
about the whereabouts of Ranma.

## "about the whereabouts" is a little awkward. 

Yeah. I'll change that.

        "He decided that he didn't want to join us,"
Akane
replied curtly. She wasn't very happy about his
dismissal of her when he went to tell him that
breakfast was ready. If he was going to be rude, he
deserved to miss out on the meal.
##??? Just doesn't feel right.  This sounds more
like
Nabiki.

If it was Nabiki, I think he would have listened and
guarded his words more carefully.

        "Well, then. I guess I'll have to relieve
him
of his
duty to breakfast. He's been taking on too many
responsibilities lately, and as his father, it's my
job to help him out," an eager Genma Saotome
�helped'
himself to Ranma's food. "A martial artist's work is
never done." It wasn't like he needed to explain his
actions, though. Akane decided it was Ranma's own
fault, Soun commended his friend on his sensitivity,
and Nabiki merely rolled her eyes.
##Shorten this. Most readers are familiar with
Genma/Ranma & food. Does not add much to story. 

Sounds reasonable...

        "_Ranma_ decided he didn't want to join us
for
breakfast? Are you sure?" Nabiki questioned her
younger sister; sure that they'd probably had an
argument.
##And this sounds more like Akane. or perhaps
Kasumi. 

        "He told me he was busy," Akane replied
defensively.
It wasn't a lie, those _were_ his words.

        "If you say so. Pass the rice." 

        The meal began without any further
discussion,
and
everyone enjoyed it. A certain bald-pated man
especially delighted in the meal.

##This scene just doesn't feel right. Akane is much
more direct.  Nabiki
much less concerned. And the scene doesn't really
call
for Akane to be sneaky.

Should Nabiki be very concerned? I always thought she
didn't care much for Ranma, excepting his money (which
isn't very much). I guess Akane could be a little more
direct, though.

 Just play it straight.

That seems to be the theme of all your comments ^_^.
I'll make it a little more blunt and add a little
spice here and there in the revision. I was a little
overeager in getting this out, and I didn't look it
over before sending it, which is what I usually do.

                
$ $ $

        Ranma was finally finished with his bath,
and
he was
changing into a pair of baggy black pants and one of
his regular Chinese-styled red shirts. He then made
his way for the breakfast table, eager to eat
whatever
delicious food had been prepared. When he arrived,
everyone was nearly finished with their meal, and
his
father was nearly finished with Ranma's meal.

        "Hey!" Ranma's yelled, but his outburst only
caused
Genma to eat faster. Seeing that his father was now
practically stuffing himself, Ranma kicked the back
of
his head. Genma almost choked, but he managed to
swallow it with difficulty, not wanting to waste it
by
throwing it up.

##Errrr. I'd change "throwing it up." IMO disrupts
the
mood.

I guess it does...

        "Why didn't anyone tell me that breakfast
was
ready?!" Ranma's stomach burbled its protest along
with its owner's, unhappy at the prospect of not
being
filled.

        "Akane said that she'd told you, and you
declined,"
Nabiki explained, now sure that her sister hadn't
told
her everything.

        "What?" Ranma was confused. He didn't
remember
anyone
telling him anything like that.

        "I tried to, and you said that you were
busy.
With
the amount you eat, though, I'd say you could afford
to miss a meal. I'm sure you'll more than make up
for
it during lunch.," Akane told the hungry boy before
her.

        Ranma was now angry with his father for
eating
his
food, very agitated, and extremely famished. The
fact
that there was no ready food available only made him
hungrier. Of course, taking all this out on Akane
was
not a very good idea. 
##This is purely a stylistic point. IMO this
interaction is a little too
�soft' for Ranma/Akane. Much too polite. 

It is a post-volume 38 fic. I thought they would be
acting more polite towards each other. Besides, I
think Ranma's comments about her would make up for any
politeness.

        "Like you, of all people, should be talking
to
me
about my eating habits," Ranma started off.

        "What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Akane
demanded, not
sure where Ranma was going with this.

        "Well, I've noticed you've been putting on
quite a
few pounds. It seems like you're finally filling
out.
In the waist, that is." Ranma declared in a
matter-of-fact tone. "Don't worry, though. You're
still as uncute and tomboyish as ever, only now
you're
getting cowish." 
##Better. <G>
He marveled at the words that had
come out of his mouth. She didn't look at all like
he
described. In fact, she'd probably gotten thinner,
due
to their recent workouts.
##Hmmm. A little introspective for Ranma. Again,
stylistic point
I think it's better to be a little less direct with
Ranma's thoughts.
Show rather than tell. Ranma is very physical. And
not
very articulate.

That's easier said than done. I can't exactly have him
saying "Wait, Akane. That doesn't make any sense.
You're absolutely cute. Why don't we go up to my room
and..." I guess I could have him showing outward
discomfort at what he'd just said, though...

 His remarks were as true as
any other affront he'd made against her, though.
Maybe
he was just expanding his insult vocabulary.
##Too articulate for Ranma. ^_~

He's done a lot of character developing, give him some
credit =P.

        Akane apparently had taken it upon herself
to
expand
the size of Ranma's head. 
##<VBG>

VBG? I'm not quite sure what all these mean. I know
you talked earlier about <B>, after writing the word
'Better', but I'm not quite clear on all the other
acronyms.

A fierce aura had surrounded
her, and her fists were clenched. Everyone else
who'd
been watching the proceedings decided to back away
from the bickering twosome. Ranma had awoken from
his
brief introspection long enough to see the fist
coming. It was a right cross to the jaw, then a
swift
jab toward the eye.
##A little too wordy. Esp. the "Ranma had awoken"
IMO keep Ranma crude and rude, even in thought. ^_^

Well, this is meant to describe Ranma's actions and
not really his thought. I will remember to keep Ranma
cruder and ruder in the future, though ;).
 

        "Akane's dancing around him, popping punches
quicker
than the blink of an eye. There's one. There's
another..." Soun had his megaphone, and Genma and
Nabiki were cheering Akane on while eating popcorn.
"It doesn't look like Wild Horse Saotome can take
much
more of this. There goes a shot to his breadbasket,
followed up with a backhand to the jaw again. Mad
Cloud Tendou is really in her prime this morning.
There's an uppercut. Ooh, those jobs are vicious.
There goes one. Then another...And he's down for the
count!"
##Cute. 

I just felt writing a normal 'Akane beats up Ranma'
scene was too boring. I hope this didn't come off as
fake or too OOC to be entertaining.

        �Mad Cloud' had pumped her fists in the air,
while
Ranma was laid out on the floor with blank eyes.
Akane
then looked down at herself, turning this way and
that. She didn't look like she was gaining weight.
Ranma was just trying to get her goat. Although, her
thighs seemed wider than before, and she didn't
remember her bottom being _that_ big...
##<G>

That means 'Good', right?

        Ranma had recovered quickly, and looked
about
him.
Pop was trying to snatch popcorn from Nabiki's
container. Mr. Tendou was reprimanding Pop for
attempting to steal from his daughter. Nabiki was
demanding pay for the kernels that the elder Saotome
had managed to eat. He then saw Akane staring at her
own butt, for some reason. He almost laughed,
despite
himself.  She actually believed him?

        Now was not the time to remark about that,
though.
The slightly beaten Ranma tried to crawl away, but
Akane stepped on the pant leg of his pants,
preventing
him from moving. That had the consequences of
pulling
down the pants that, apparently, weren't tied
properly. Akane blushed when she realized what had
happened. She was about to yell at him for not
securing his trousers, but she got a good look at
his
boxers.
##OK. IMO THIS bit needs to be shorter and sharper.
Too wordy
and it detracts from the joke. Re-write from "Ranma
recovered . . ." to " . . .good look at 
his boxers." Short and simple will increase the
impact. 

*has a brief moment of insight* That makes sense...

        She burst out laughing, and everyone's
attention was
drawn to the underwear. Everyone else, excepting
Ranma, joined in the laughter at the pig-tailed
boy's
expense.

        "Ranma doesn't need to express his love for
Akane,"
Soun said, pointing to the hearts, "His boxers say
more than enough," pointing at the hearts, Soun
laughed so heard, there was a puddle of tears around
his feet.
##I think it's funnier if Soun is serious here. 

Serious? I'll take that into consideration...

        "Heh, heh," Genma--though it was a great
embarrassment to have his son parading around in
such
ridiculous attire--was happy Nodoka hadn't talked
him
into wearing the things. Besides, it _was_ funny.

        "Nice boxers. You have great taste,
Ranma-kun.
They're so you," Nabiki couldn't help but chuckle.
##Stylistic point. SHOW Genma/Nabiki being overcome
with mirth.
And Nabiki should be more sarcastic. This, IMO, is
much too mild. 

I guess so...

        "Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Akane, so to speak,
was
beyond
words.
<G> Cute line. 
 
        Ranma pulled up his pants as quickly as
possible, but
not quickly enough for Nabiki to get a couple good
shots with her camera. He rushed out of the room,
his
cheeks burning, both from anger and embarrassment. 

        "Wow, he sure ran out of here fast," the
Tendou
patriarch commented as he saw Ranma's retreating
figure disappear through the doorway. Genma grunted
in
agreement.

        "Darn. I wanted to take more pictures. Oh
well, this
will be good enough for now." Nabiki headed out to
have the photos developed. The two heads of the
Tendou
and Saotome households followed her outside, going
to
the park for their game of Go.
##From "Ranma pulled . . ." to "their game of Go." 
SHOW, don't tell.
Example: Ranma yanked up his pants with
chestnut-fist
speed----still slower
than Nabiki's Nikon-fu. 

Ok. Nikon-fu? ^_^

Yanked is more in keeping with the emotions of the
scene. pulled is to mundane
to adequately show Ranma's feelings. This is just an
example. 

Makes sense...

        "Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Akane was now doubled
over and
holding her sides, which were threatening to burst
at
any given moment. 
##I'd like a little more description of Akane. Not a
bad gag but
this line isn't funnier than the first one. You need
to build on
your previous line.

I agree. I'll add a little more, and hopefully it WILL
be funnier than the previous line. 

        Outside the Tendou compound, Ranma walked
along the
road,  feeling angry and generally sorry for
himself.
What had seemed like the beginning of a good day had
turned out to be the misleading start of a day that
was going downhill. He was beaten, humiliated, and
still hungry. Looking up, he caught sight of Ryouga.
Things were starting to look up. If anything could
cheer him up, it would be comparing himself to the
depressed Lost Boy.
##Cute. A little wordy at the beginning but cute. 

I'll make it less articulate =P.

        He called out to Ryouga, "Yo, P-chan! Over
here!" He
was itching for a way to release his frustrations,
and
picking a fight could do just that.


$ $ $

        Ryouga was walking along the road, hoping to
find a
post office nearby. He had written a letter to
Akari,
and he couldn't find a mailbox anywhere. He probably
had a better chance finding Akari's ranch, or maybe
someone would give him directions. He took a look at
his map, and he heard a voice calling out for him.
There was only one person in the world that would
call
him that.

        "Grrr...Don't call me that!" Ryouga bared
his
teeth
as he looked at the familiar sight of his life-long
rival.
##stylistic again. I don't think the �Grrr...' works
very well.
        "Whatcha up to, _P-chan_?" Ranma taunted,
sticking
his tongue out at him. It looked like he would get
the
fight he wanted.

        "Prepare to die!" Ryouga charged, then
stopped. This
was just too redundant. It seemed like this was how
it
started almost all of the time. Ranma angered him,
he
charged, they fought. Ryouga would give a furious
attack, not pausing in his attack. Ranma would
dodge,
slipping in a punch or kick whenever he saw an
opening. Ranma would win, at least most of the time.
Nothing changed, and nothing was gained.
##Actually Ryouga beats the snot out of Ranma on
many
occasions
using this tactic. 

IMO, what matters is who wins. Ryouga has a negative
point of view, so he would overlook anything like
this.

        It was time for a change. Maybe, if Ryouga
changed
his tactics, he could win. It was brilliant! He'd
use
a different attack pattern and totally fake Ranma
out!
Or--better yet--he'd do what he normally did and
double fake Ranma! Set with his plan, he charged.
Then
he stopped. 
##OK, interesting set up. IMO fight scenes are
difficult to write.

This kind of thinking has happened to me quite a few
times. For example, when I'm playing a board game or
something: You start off thinking about making a move
against a person. Then you think you can fake that
person out doing the opposite, because he won't expect
it. Then you think he will expect it and is
anticipating the fake. Then you think that since _he_
thinks you're going to make the fake, you can do the
original move, and so on and so on. I'm not sure if
I'm explaining this well enough, but it can be quite
frustrating ^_^.

In this case it might be better to have Ryouga
thinking WHILE fighting.
Keep the action going.  Perhaps have Ranma get in a
good shot
that stimulates Ryouga's thinking. ^_^

Maybe. I'll probably just add a lot more insults
instead, though.

        Dammit, it was like a broken record. He
needed
something new. Not a new technique, though. Those
only
worked so long, then Ranma figured out counter, or
at
least a way to get around it. He needed a
new...Mindset. His thoughts almost always went
towards
the more honorable approaches to fighting. 
##Errrr. Since when? Ryouga(like Ranma) _talks_
about
honor.
IMO might be funnier to have Ryouga THINKING (oh so
piously) about
honor at the same time he's planning EVIL. But he
should NEVER
actually think of it as EVIL. After all he's an
_honorable_ man. 
{P-chan? Who's P-chan?}

I think that would work.

Albeit, he
wasn't above using underhanded techniques, they were
usually minor.
##Like kidnaping Akane to get Ranma to fight.
^_^(Breaking point)

 What he needed was something...Evil.

        The idea hit him with the force of
gale-strength winds. It was perfect. It was
sinister.
It was amazingly simple. 

        "C'mon, Pigboy. I'll even give you a free
shot." Ranma motioned for Ryouga to come at him,
then
he got into a loose ready stance.

        The Eternally Lost Boy gave a malevolent
smirk. He charged Ranma, now sure of himself and
what
he was about to do. He reared back his foot ala.
Captain Tsubasa, focusing all of his chi for this
one
shot. He let loose a yell
and.......................(still building up
dramatic
tension; is it working?)......kicked Ranma in the
junk. 

##<G> No. But it is funny. IMO it needs to be more
direct.
Captain Tsubasa is a manga/anime I'm not familiar
with
so, for me,
it loses something. 

You don't know what you're missing! It's about a bunch
of super-powered guys playing soccer and doing strange
moves! At most of the episodes, the main character
raises his leg abnormally high and....kicks the
ball!They even have an Arabic version (which I've
seen), called Captain Mahjid! 

Heh, it's just one of those shows kids watch to get
really hyped up about playing soccer =P. It's a sports
version of Power Rangers (no, I haven't seen the show,
I've just heard about it. No, really!) without the
martial arts.

Example:

	With an evil (but honorable)grin the lost boy
charged
Ranma. Sure of himself. Sure of what he was about to
do. Focusing all of 
his c'hi he drew back his fist----

	"THE FINAL BLOW!!!"

Eep. I wanted to keep away from things like that =P,
but I do understand what you're trying to say.

	
	----and kicked Ranma squarely between the legs. 


(Experiment. For instance I tried . . . "and kicked
Ranma in the balls." but to 

It didn't work for me either when I tried it. Plus,
'junk' sounds funny to me for some reason. 'kicked
Ranma squarely between the legs' isn't really that
direct, and it doesn't work for me.

me it didn't quite work.) Again, this is stylistic.
however, IMO, this kind of scene is
better if it's short, sharp and unexpected.

I agree.

        Ranma let loose a yell that was unlike
Ryouga's. His face contorted into unimaginable
shapes,
full of surprise and pain. It was clearly something
that he hadn't expected. Ranma curled up in a fetal,
holding the affected area and shaking slowly. The
dead
silence was broken occasionally by the sounds of
Ryouga as he did a little dance of triumph.
##<G> For some reason I'm seeing the �Dance of Joy'
from 
DBZ.

Oh, I just realized what you meant.

        Savoring the moment, Ryouga rubbed the toe
he
used to defeat his nemesis. He couldn't believe
Ranma
had just stood there and let him hit him, even
though
he knew how powerful the shot would have been.
##Errrr. No. Six months dead and a kick like that
would hurt.
I don't think you could get someone to �stand' and
take a shot 
like that if you held a gun to his head. ^_~

Ranma didn't know what Ryouga was going to do. He'd
just expected him to hit him or something. Besides,
Ranma said he would let him have the first shot.

 Ryouga
had to give him credit for the courage he'd shown,
though; Ranma had balls.
<OUCH> bad pun

Hehe. I rather liked it =P

        Ryouga suddenly realized what had occurred.
He
had beaten Ranma in a real fight.
##Ryouga's beaten Ranma before. ^_^
And in a real fight. Actually, if you look at the

Ryouga, like I said before, has thoughts that tend to
run negative, and he would overlook any instance where
he's won.

stories
and legends of martial arts the concept of �honor'
in
a fight'
is rather flexible.  When it was a fight to the
death
. . .winning
was the only consideration. There were a LOT of
�dirty' tricks.
One of my favorites was the samurai who substituted
a
carved
wooden sword for his foe's steel sword . . .THEN
challenged him to a fight. ^_^
 He then turned to a
new line of thought; if Ranma was around, the Tendou
Dojo had to be nearby. It also meant that Akane was
free, and now he had proved himself worthy of her by
defeating Ranma. Ryouga rushed off, elated in his
newfound luck.

##Akari? Akari who? ^)^

Dammit, I had meant to put in 'All thoughts of Akari
left his mind.' or something like that. I had been a
little overeager in sending this out.

        Ranma gasped, the wind had been knocked out
of
him, and it hadn't returned. There was an awful
feeling in his stomach. It was like horrible gas,
only
it was twice as bad than a tummy ache and it was ten
times as bad as bloating. This was made worse by the
fact that his stomach was empty to begin with. The
recover was slow going, too. 

##Oh dear . . .MUCH too mild.
Example: Woman in Sweden was assaulted by man. He
tried
to force her to perform oral sex. She bit him. ^_^

Point taken =P.

The
police found him
several hours later STILL curled into a fetal
position. 
A solid kick like that could have crushed Ranma's .
.
.tenderer parts . . .
like a bunch of grapes. 

Ick, a little _too_ descriptive :P I get what you're
trying to say, though.

        How could Ryouga have done such a thing?
He'd
get him back for this. Normally, Ranma wasn't one
for
revenge, but this called for him to immediately beat
the crap out of Ryouga and regain his honor�as soon
as
he stopped having the urge to throw up.
##<G> Still MUCH too civilized for Ranma and the
situation.

Maybe.

Change throw up to vomit or puke. (I like vomit
myself)
This was a harsh blow . . .need a harsh word to
describe
the results. 

Makes sense...

$ $ $

        Nabiki got back home from the photo
development
store. She was only mildly surprised to find Ryouga
bragging to Akane about how he defeated Ranma.

        "Wow, Ryouga. I hope you didn't hurt him too
badly,"
Akane was shocked at this new development.

        "Nah, it was nothing too bad. I just kicked
him, and
he went down," Ryouga told her, as if it was nothing
important.

##Change one of the �nothing'. Two in a row. 

D'oh! Next time, I _won't_ send this out before
looking it over.

        Nabiki went to the kitchen for something to
eat, and
she noticed a letter on the refrigerator. It was
from
Kasumi, containing a list of things she wanted done
while she was out with their Auntie Nodoka. It even
had a nice little picture of Kasumi on it. Setting
the
letter on the counter, Nabiki proceeded to look
through the refrigerator and cupboards for a snack.

        Finding nothing, she took a look at the
list.
At the
top of the list was grocery shopping. 

        She had no time to wonder at the irony of
it, 
##Why ironic?

She's hungry...Grocery shopping at the top of the
list...C'mon, gimme a break =P

when
Shampoo burst through the wall.

        "Nihao, Mercenary Girl. Shampoo here to see
airen,"
the bouncy amazon announced in a cheerful voice.

        "I'm afraid he's gone out. I'm sure he won't
be back
for a while."

        "That okay, Shampoo wait. Great-grandmother
give day
off."

        At that moment, Ukyou walked through the
door,
obviously in a good mood. "Hi, everybody. Is Ranchan
around?"

        "Like I told Shampoo, he's gone out, and I
don't
think he'll be around any time soon."

        "I can wait. Konatsu is covering for me."

        "You're both welcome to stay--for a moderate
price,
of course. 1000 yen each, please." Nabiki held out
her
hand.

        "Just to wait here?!" Ukyou exclaimed, not
very happy
at the prospect.

        "You kidding." Shampoo wasn't exactly
delighted,
either.  

        "You two _could_ help me out with a little
something."

        "What do you need help with?" Ukyou asked
suspiciously. Nabiki showed both of them the list
that
Kasumi had made. They complied, not really wanting
to
just sit doing nothing, anyway. 
##???I'd think more likely they would go out and
look
for Ranma.

There's no guarantee they'll find him out there. If
they stayed, they'd be almost certain to get what
they're looking for. Nabiki was ambiguous when she
said when Ranma was coming back, so he could have
showed up a moment after they came in.

I just don't see any reason they would shop for
Nabiki. Now if you set it
up as in Tom Sawyer and white washing the fence. ^_^
OR told them the food was
for Ranma . . .Nabiki might even get them to BUY the
groceries. 

Makes sense...

      Not long afterwards, Kodachi arrived. She
didn't
want to �be lowered to the level of peasants' in
helping out with household chores, so she called
Sasuke to do it. She would wait for Ranma as well.
It
wasn't long before Kuno arrived. Nabiki told him
that
his �pig-tailed girl' would be back, and Sasuke was
made to work twice as hard.

##A little bland. IMO could be spiced up. 

I guess so.

     Before long, Mousse, Tsubasa (as a dustpan),
Akane (she could at least clean, Ryouga (he wanted
to
help out), Sasuke, Shampoo, and Ukyou were all
working
about the house and doing errands, while Nabiki
supervised.


     Some time later, an angry--but fully
recuperated--Ranma burst through the door, sure that
Ryouga had come here. He called out for the coward,
demanding a rematch. Everyone heard his voice, and
all
hell broke loose.

     Various people either attacked him or glommed
onto him. Nabiki slapped her forehead, realizing her
mistake as soon as Ranma walked in. Oh well, she
could
always send the repair bill to the Kunos. 

##Generic fanfic chaos. IMO better to either drop
entirely
or re-write with more detail. 

I was too lazy to write it in detail the first time.
I'll work on it when I revise, though.

     With all the chaos swirling about, the kitchen
and living room were thoroughly destroyed. The
damage
would have been greater, but Kasumi and Nodoka had
walked in at that moment. Apparently, one of them
had
forgotten her purse. 

     Everyone stopped whatever they were doing, as
they heard the two words come out of the eldest
Tendou
daughter and her companion.

     "Oh my."
##Again, bland. And having Kasumi say �Oh my' isn't
very
interesting.
The concept is good. Just go back and put in more
detail. OR
cut out a lot if you're going for a short <no pun
intended> story

I don't get the pun...The 'Oh my' came from both
Nodoka and Kasumi. I'll elaborate when I revise.

$ $ $


      The guilty parties apologized profusely as
Nodoka reprimanded everyone involved. They would
have
blamed it on Ranma, but he was unconscious, due to
several blows. Kasumi merely ignored them and went
around, surveying the damage.

##I want to see the fight. <pout> 

I'll be sure to put one in ^_^

      Deciding it best to start now and forego the
convention, she went to the dishes in the kitchen,
putting on an apron. Picking up a tall glass cup,
she
noticed that Nabiki had used it to drink one of her
protein shakes. Kasumi had told her specifically not
to do that, as it was hard to clean. Sighing, she
decided to start with a plate, instead. It seemed to
have sustained some damage from what had happened.
The
plate broke in her hand, and blood came from where
her
hand held the shard of broken china.

       Kasumi heaved another great sigh, and she
tried
to continue, but it seemed all the energy had
drained
from her. She quietly made her way to her room, and
slumped onto her bed, burying her face in her
pillow.


       Everyone had watched Kasumi, and had seen
what
had happened, stepping out of her way when she went
upstairs. 
##This seems very abrupt. Why is Kasumi so drained?

You ever tried to get gunk out of a tall dinner glass?
It's very daunting, and it takes a while. 

What's with the blood? 
(I KNOW she cut herself) It's just from the
description it seems like a set
up for something significant.

Not really. Blood just comes out when she cuts
herself. I can't really have her cutting herself and
NOT having blood come out.

       "Ugh...What's going on?" Ranma woke up
groggily
and was surprised to find everyone glaring at him.
"What did I do?"
##Yeah. What DID he do? (except forget to duck.)

Heh. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, like
he almost always is.

$ $ $


        Ranma nervously approached Kasumi's room. It
wasn't
fair at all. It wasn't his fault that the house had
been screwed up, and Kasumi had been overwhelmed.
Someone else should be up here. No, he had to face
up
to this like a man. 
##Errrr. Since when? Ranma spends a great deal of
time
_avoiding_ things.  And it really isn't fair. At
least
there needs to
be a description of how/why Ranma is forced into
this.

Would you want to go up against an upset Kasumi?
Besides, this has been shown to be done to Ranma
before ('Kasumi Gets Mad' thingy). 
Nothing ever is fair, and Ranma faced up to it in  the
'Kasumi Gets Mad' storyline.

Drawing up his courage, he knocked
on the door. 

        "Come in, Ranma-kun," came a soft voice from
inside.

        Ranma was too agitated to wonder how she
knew
who it
was. Opening the door, he walked in and saw Kasumi
sitting on her bed. She appeared fine, except for
her
right hand being bandaged. Ranma sat down next to
her,
fidgeting.

        "Err...Sorry Kasumi." He figured, the
quicker
he said
it, the quicker it would all be over.

        "For what?"

        "Uh, for messing up the house and
everything.
I'm
sorry."
        
        "Oh, that. Don't worry about it."

        "You're not upset?"

        "Of course not! Why would you say that?"

        "Well, they said that you..."

        "I was just a little overwhelmed. I guess it
was a
little too much for me. And I was frustrated."

        "You know, If you're still feeling
frustrated,
you
can, you know...I mean, we _are_ alone..." Ranma
insinuated, making a few small hand gestures.

        "Oh my. I couldn't do that..." Kasumi
blushed
at the
implications

        "Don't worry about it, some say it's a great
stress
reliever. You probably need it more than anyone."

        "I couldn't impose on you like that..."

        "Its not like it's the first time for me,
and
I
sincerely doubt it would be my last."

        "Well...if it's okay with you..." Kasumi
moved
closer
to Ranma. She then inched her face closer to his,
parting her lips slightly.

        "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, RANMA!"

        Ranma was right, it _was_ a great stress
reliever.

##<VBG> a little rough but very funny. I did NOT see
that one coming.
(I thought it was a back rub.) Might be better if it
were a little shorter. Still
a brilliant punch line. ^_^

I didn't see it coming either, the idea came to me
when I was reading all those wonderful responses about
cliches about Kasumi (yours included). I'm not sure
how I could have made it shorter, though.

        
$ $ $

        Ranma walked along the road again,
grumbling.
Today
had really sucked. Everyone had blamed him for
upsetting Kasumi, his mother was disappointed with
him, he'd had another argument with Akane, and he'd
taken out his anger on Ukyou and Shampoo, who--in
turn--had smacked him for being such a jerk. To top
it
all off, his boxers were riding up on him.
##I like the boxers riding up. ^_^ (can boxers ride
up?)

Yes, they can. Especially when you're doing a lot of
active things, which is my main probably with Ranma
wearing boxers. It's most _definetly_ the wrong thing
to be wearing with the kind of stuff he's doing. I
mean, things can get trapped in one place or the other
and...Well, use your imagination =P

The build up is a little bland but the boxer line is
very cute.

I thought the build up wasn't bland at all, but thats
me...

        He marched away angrily. Forget them. It
wasn't like
he needed them anyway. He could get along just fine
without all of the insanity they brought. Forget all
those girls, too. He was a virile, studly, and
cunning
martial artist with lots of charisma. There were
probably millions of girls out there, just waiting
to
be his.

##Drop the insanity. IMO it's overused. I love his
self description.
VERY good. Reminds me of the Contrary Jewel. 

Thanks.

        Ranma looked around and realized he had
walked
into a
local mall. He turned to a cute girl and smiled at
her. Time to turn on the Saotome charm. She smiled
back and walked towards him. When she was close
enough
to talk to him, the �studly' martial artist bolted. 

        Who was he kidding?

        He wondered how long it would take for his
fiancees
to forgive him, as he headed back to the dojo.
##??? IMO this needs to be reworked. Good concept. A
little more
detail would be nice. 

It was meant to be short and to the point, but I guess
it could use a little more tweaking.

Overall. Nice. Some LOL spots. 

I enjoy writing things with blunt humor.

However it either needs to be MUCH shorter or a LOT
longer.

It'll be longer =)

At it stands it feels very rushed. I think this
story
has a LOT

Really? Maybe you could help me out if you see some
spots with potential, (after the revision, though).

of potential.  I would like to see more of the
shorts.^_^

Go look for a Nabiki fic =P

As a _short_ story go with 
1)shorts
2)kick
3)kasumi-yell
4)shorts riding up
VERY fast and quick. Delete about 90% of filler
material. It slows the pace
and dilutes the really funny bits. 

I'll spice up the fillers. If I can't make them more
enjoyable, I'll just get rid of them.

OTOH IMO there are a lot of chances for humor in a
longer piece.
This is the authors choice. 

Woohoo! I love options ^_^

Good job. 

Thanks.

        





Author's Notes:


        Yup, this was all meant to parody fics where
Ranma
actually �Gets Fed Up'. He's the reason for most of
his troubles. Besides, he's a masochist ;).

        I had meant to finish this earlier, but
things
kept
getting in the way. This is just the first in a
series
of parodies (shameless plug: Look for �Meddler On
the
Roof'!). I finished this late at night, so I'm sure
there are a lot of things wrong with this, but I'll
address some of the character problems.

Nabiki: Why didn't she realize how much of disaster
would result from her allowing everyone to stay?

        She wanted to get everything cleaned up, and
she was
blinded by the prospect of having everything done so
easily for her.

Kasumi: What the hell?

        When I asked for cliches about her, people
pointed
towards fics where she was shown as either: 1)Closet
Genius 2)Master of all evil 3)Totally Brainless. So,
I
decided to humanize her. Besides, she's no
wonderwoman
(though, I will be exploring this possibility in a
future fic).

Ryouga: Heh. Got the idea for his fight scene with
Ranma from Allyn Yonge's �I'm A Guy!'. Like to see
Ranma come up with a counter for _that_ move. =P

Ranma: See above.

##^_^ Thank's. I'm planning a *Ranma* /Ryouga fight
in

I should be thanking you. I'll look for it.
 

chapter 2. I may use something similar.(Great idea,
btw)

Thanks. I hope it won't be _too_ similar, though. I
can't wait to see the next 'I'm a Guy'.

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-Ranma's inevitable counter for the 'Nut Crusher': The
Dreaded Titty Twister. ;)


===
-----
L.A.
-----
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Do You Yahoo!?
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