Date:        Sun, 12 Sep 1999 21:37:53 -0700 (PDT)
   From:        Lucres Annuiteas <master_l_@yahoo.com>
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 Subject:        [FFML] [Fanfic][Mostly Silly][Ranma
1/2] Ranma Gets Fed Up
     To:        ffml@fanfic.com

                                                      
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HI,
Comments##
Everything is IMO. Take what you find useful and
ignore the rest. 




        I don't own Ranma 1/2, or it's characters.
Others do.
If I said anymore, I'd be putting too much thought
into my disclaimer. (....D'oh!)



                RANMA GETS FED UP


                                                      
              By Lucres Annuiteas
 

<SNIP>

        Ranma was finally finished with his work out.
Though,
Akane had provided for a distraction, he still got in
plenty of exercise. He'd worked up a good sweat too,
and a nice bath was what he needed. Grabbing the
things he would need, he looked for a pair of good
boxers. He grimaced when he saw the only clean
underwear were the ones his mother had bought the last
time she was out. Nodoka Saotome apparently had
developed a fetish for Western cartoons. 
##delete or change �good'

        She'd given him a pair of boxers with a white
background and bright red hearts covering the
material, claiming they were "So cute!". Ranma
resigned himself to wearing the shorts. There was
nothing else left, and it wasn't like anyone was going
to look at his underpants, anyway. So, taking strange
undergarments and his other bathing materials, he
headed for the changing room.
##delete or change�strange'

        As Ranma finally settled into the furo, he
briefly wondered what would be for breakfast.
##Nice description overall. 

$ $ $

        Everyone settled down at the table to eat
breakfast.
Nabiki had finally decided to get up, not wanting to
waste away a good day. Soun Tendou was asking Akane
about the whereabouts of Ranma.

## "about the whereabouts" is a little awkward. 

        "He decided that he didn't want to join us,"
Akane
replied curtly. She wasn't very happy about his
dismissal of her when he went to tell him that
breakfast was ready. If he was going to be rude, he
deserved to miss out on the meal.
##??? Just doesn't feel right.  This sounds more like
Nabiki.

        "Well, then. I guess I'll have to relieve him
of his
duty to breakfast. He's been taking on too many
responsibilities lately, and as his father, it's my
job to help him out," an eager Genma Saotome �helped'
himself to Ranma's food. "A martial artist's work is
never done." It wasn't like he needed to explain his
actions, though. Akane decided it was Ranma's own
fault, Soun commended his friend on his sensitivity,
and Nabiki merely rolled her eyes.
##Shorten this. Most readers are familiar with
Genma/Ranma & food. Does not add much to story. 

        "_Ranma_ decided he didn't want to join us for
breakfast? Are you sure?" Nabiki questioned her
younger sister; sure that they'd probably had an
argument.
##And this sounds more like Akane. or perhaps Kasumi. 

        "He told me he was busy," Akane replied
defensively.
It wasn't a lie, those _were_ his words.

        "If you say so. Pass the rice." 

        The meal began without any further discussion,
and
everyone enjoyed it. A certain bald-pated man
especially delighted in the meal.

##This scene just doesn't feel right. Akane is much
more direct.  Nabiki
much less concerned. And the scene doesn't really call
for Akane to be sneaky.
 Just play it straight.

                
$ $ $

        Ranma was finally finished with his bath, and
he was
changing into a pair of baggy black pants and one of
his regular Chinese-styled red shirts. He then made
his way for the breakfast table, eager to eat whatever
delicious food had been prepared. When he arrived,
everyone was nearly finished with their meal, and his
father was nearly finished with Ranma's meal.

        "Hey!" Ranma's yelled, but his outburst only
caused
Genma to eat faster. Seeing that his father was now
practically stuffing himself, Ranma kicked the back of
his head. Genma almost choked, but he managed to
swallow it with difficulty, not wanting to waste it by
throwing it up.

##Errrr. I'd change "throwing it up." IMO disrupts the
mood.

        "Why didn't anyone tell me that breakfast was
ready?!" Ranma's stomach burbled its protest along
with its owner's, unhappy at the prospect of not being
filled.

        "Akane said that she'd told you, and you
declined,"
Nabiki explained, now sure that her sister hadn't told
her everything.

        "What?" Ranma was confused. He didn't remember
anyone
telling him anything like that.

        "I tried to, and you said that you were busy.
With
the amount you eat, though, I'd say you could afford
to miss a meal. I'm sure you'll more than make up for
it during lunch.," Akane told the hungry boy before
her.

        Ranma was now angry with his father for eating
his
food, very agitated, and extremely famished. The fact
that there was no ready food available only made him
hungrier. Of course, taking all this out on Akane was
not a very good idea. 
##This is purely a stylistic point. IMO this
interaction is a little too
�soft' for Ranma/Akane. Much too polite. 

        "Like you, of all people, should be talking to
me
about my eating habits," Ranma started off.

        "What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Akane
demanded, not
sure where Ranma was going with this.

        "Well, I've noticed you've been putting on
quite a
few pounds. It seems like you're finally filling out.
In the waist, that is." Ranma declared in a
matter-of-fact tone. "Don't worry, though. You're
still as uncute and tomboyish as ever, only now you're
getting cowish." 
##Better. <G>
He marveled at the words that had
come out of his mouth. She didn't look at all like he
described. In fact, she'd probably gotten thinner, due
to their recent workouts.
##Hmmm. A little introspective for Ranma. Again,
stylistic point
I think it's better to be a little less direct with
Ranma's thoughts.
Show rather than tell. Ranma is very physical. And not
very articulate.

 His remarks were as true as
any other affront he'd made against her, though. Maybe
he was just expanding his insult vocabulary.
##Too articulate for Ranma. ^_~

        Akane apparently had taken it upon herself to
expand
the size of Ranma's head. 
##<VBG>

A fierce aura had surrounded
her, and her fists were clenched. Everyone else who'd
been watching the proceedings decided to back away
from the bickering twosome. Ranma had awoken from his
brief introspection long enough to see the fist
coming. It was a right cross to the jaw, then a swift
jab toward the eye.
##A little too wordy. Esp. the "Ranma had awoken"
IMO keep Ranma crude and rude, even in thought. ^_^

        "Akane's dancing around him, popping punches
quicker
than the blink of an eye. There's one. There's
another..." Soun had his megaphone, and Genma and
Nabiki were cheering Akane on while eating popcorn.
"It doesn't look like Wild Horse Saotome can take much
more of this. There goes a shot to his breadbasket,
followed up with a backhand to the jaw again. Mad
Cloud Tendou is really in her prime this morning.
There's an uppercut. Ooh, those jobs are vicious.
There goes one. Then another...And he's down for the
count!"
##Cute. 

        �Mad Cloud' had pumped her fists in the air,
while
Ranma was laid out on the floor with blank eyes. Akane
then looked down at herself, turning this way and
that. She didn't look like she was gaining weight.
Ranma was just trying to get her goat. Although, her
thighs seemed wider than before, and she didn't
remember her bottom being _that_ big...
##<G>

        Ranma had recovered quickly, and looked about
him.
Pop was trying to snatch popcorn from Nabiki's
container. Mr. Tendou was reprimanding Pop for
attempting to steal from his daughter. Nabiki was
demanding pay for the kernels that the elder Saotome
had managed to eat. He then saw Akane staring at her
own butt, for some reason. He almost laughed, despite
himself.  She actually believed him?

        Now was not the time to remark about that,
though.
The slightly beaten Ranma tried to crawl away, but
Akane stepped on the pant leg of his pants, preventing
him from moving. That had the consequences of pulling
down the pants that, apparently, weren't tied
properly. Akane blushed when she realized what had
happened. She was about to yell at him for not
securing his trousers, but she got a good look at his
boxers.
##OK. IMO THIS bit needs to be shorter and sharper.
Too wordy
and it detracts from the joke. Re-write from "Ranma
recovered . . ." to " . . .good look at 
his boxers." Short and simple will increase the
impact. 

        She burst out laughing, and everyone's
attention was
drawn to the underwear. Everyone else, excepting
Ranma, joined in the laughter at the pig-tailed boy's
expense.

        "Ranma doesn't need to express his love for
Akane,"
Soun said, pointing to the hearts, "His boxers say
more than enough," pointing at the hearts, Soun
laughed so heard, there was a puddle of tears around
his feet.
##I think it's funnier if Soun is serious here. 

        "Heh, heh," Genma--though it was a great
embarrassment to have his son parading around in such
ridiculous attire--was happy Nodoka hadn't talked him
into wearing the things. Besides, it _was_ funny.

        "Nice boxers. You have great taste, Ranma-kun.
They're so you," Nabiki couldn't help but chuckle.
##Stylistic point. SHOW Genma/Nabiki being overcome
with mirth.
And Nabiki should be more sarcastic. This, IMO, is
much too mild. 

        "Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Akane, so to speak, was
beyond
words.
<G> Cute line. 
 
        Ranma pulled up his pants as quickly as
possible, but
not quickly enough for Nabiki to get a couple good
shots with her camera. He rushed out of the room, his
cheeks burning, both from anger and embarrassment. 

        "Wow, he sure ran out of here fast," the
Tendou
patriarch commented as he saw Ranma's retreating
figure disappear through the doorway. Genma grunted in
agreement.

        "Darn. I wanted to take more pictures. Oh
well, this
will be good enough for now." Nabiki headed out to
have the photos developed. The two heads of the Tendou
and Saotome households followed her outside, going to
the park for their game of Go.
##From "Ranma pulled . . ." to "their game of Go." 
SHOW, don't tell.
Example: Ranma yanked up his pants with chestnut-fist
speed----still slower
than Nabiki's Nikon-fu. 

Yanked is more in keeping with the emotions of the
scene. pulled is to mundane
to adequately show Ranma's feelings. This is just an
example. 


        "Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Akane was now doubled
over and
holding her sides, which were threatening to burst at
any given moment. 
##I'd like a little more description of Akane. Not a
bad gag but
this line isn't funnier than the first one. You need
to build on
your previous line.


        Outside the Tendou compound, Ranma walked
along the
road,  feeling angry and generally sorry for himself.
What had seemed like the beginning of a good day had
turned out to be the misleading start of a day that
was going downhill. He was beaten, humiliated, and
still hungry. Looking up, he caught sight of Ryouga.
Things were starting to look up. If anything could
cheer him up, it would be comparing himself to the
depressed Lost Boy.
##Cute. A little wordy at the beginning but cute. 

        He called out to Ryouga, "Yo, P-chan! Over
here!" He
was itching for a way to release his frustrations, and
picking a fight could do just that.


$ $ $

        Ryouga was walking along the road, hoping to
find a
post office nearby. He had written a letter to Akari,
and he couldn't find a mailbox anywhere. He probably
had a better chance finding Akari's ranch, or maybe
someone would give him directions. He took a look at
his map, and he heard a voice calling out for him.
There was only one person in the world that would call
him that.

        "Grrr...Don't call me that!" Ryouga bared his
teeth
as he looked at the familiar sight of his life-long
rival.
##stylistic again. I don't think the �Grrr...' works
very well.
        "Whatcha up to, _P-chan_?" Ranma taunted,
sticking
his tongue out at him. It looked like he would get the
fight he wanted.

        "Prepare to die!" Ryouga charged, then
stopped. This
was just too redundant. It seemed like this was how it
started almost all of the time. Ranma angered him, he
charged, they fought. Ryouga would give a furious
attack, not pausing in his attack. Ranma would dodge,
slipping in a punch or kick whenever he saw an
opening. Ranma would win, at least most of the time.
Nothing changed, and nothing was gained.
##Actually Ryouga beats the snot out of Ranma on many
occasions
using this tactic. 

        It was time for a change. Maybe, if Ryouga
changed
his tactics, he could win. It was brilliant! He'd use
a different attack pattern and totally fake Ranma out!
Or--better yet--he'd do what he normally did and
double fake Ranma! Set with his plan, he charged. Then
he stopped. 
##OK, interesting set up. IMO fight scenes are
difficult to write.
In this case it might be better to have Ryouga
thinking WHILE fighting.
Keep the action going.  Perhaps have Ranma get in a
good shot
that stimulates Ryouga's thinking. ^_^

        Dammit, it was like a broken record. He needed
something new. Not a new technique, though. Those only
worked so long, then Ranma figured out counter, or at
least a way to get around it. He needed a
new...Mindset. His thoughts almost always went towards
the more honorable approaches to fighting. 
##Errrr. Since when? Ryouga(like Ranma) _talks_ about
honor.
IMO might be funnier to have Ryouga THINKING (oh so
piously) about
honor at the same time he's planning EVIL. But he
should NEVER
actually think of it as EVIL. After all he's an
_honorable_ man. 
{P-chan? Who's P-chan?}

Albeit, he
wasn't above using underhanded techniques, they were
usually minor.
##Like kidnaping Akane to get Ranma to fight.
^_^(Breaking point)

 What he needed was something...Evil.

        The idea hit him with the force of
gale-strength winds. It was perfect. It was sinister.
It was amazingly simple. 

        "C'mon, Pigboy. I'll even give you a free
shot." Ranma motioned for Ryouga to come at him, then
he got into a loose ready stance.

        The Eternally Lost Boy gave a malevolent
smirk. He charged Ranma, now sure of himself and what
he was about to do. He reared back his foot ala.
Captain Tsubasa, focusing all of his chi for this one
shot. He let loose a yell
and.......................(still building up dramatic
tension; is it working?)......kicked Ranma in the
junk. 

##<G> No. But it is funny. IMO it needs to be more
direct.
Captain Tsubasa is a manga/anime I'm not familiar with
so, for me,
it loses something. 
Example:

	With an evil (but honorable)grin the lost boy charged
Ranma. Sure of himself. Sure of what he was about to
do. Focusing all of 
his c'hi he drew back his fist----

	"THE FINAL BLOW!!!"
	
	----and kicked Ranma squarely between the legs. 


(Experiment. For instance I tried . . . "and kicked
Ranma in the balls." but to 
me it didn't quite work.) Again, this is stylistic.
however, IMO, this kind of scene is
better if it's short, sharp and unexpected.

        Ranma let loose a yell that was unlike
Ryouga's. His face contorted into unimaginable shapes,
full of surprise and pain. It was clearly something
that he hadn't expected. Ranma curled up in a fetal,
holding the affected area and shaking slowly. The dead
silence was broken occasionally by the sounds of
Ryouga as he did a little dance of triumph.
##<G> For some reason I'm seeing the �Dance of Joy'
from 
DBZ.

        Savoring the moment, Ryouga rubbed the toe he
used to defeat his nemesis. He couldn't believe Ranma
had just stood there and let him hit him, even though
he knew how powerful the shot would have been.
##Errrr. No. Six months dead and a kick like that
would hurt.
I don't think you could get someone to �stand' and
take a shot 
like that if you held a gun to his head. ^_~

 Ryouga
had to give him credit for the courage he'd shown,
though; Ranma had balls.
<OUCH> bad pun

        Ryouga suddenly realized what had occurred. He
had beaten Ranma in a real fight.
##Ryouga's beaten Ranma before. ^_^
And in a real fight. Actually, if you look at the
stories
and legends of martial arts the concept of �honor' in
a fight'
is rather flexible.  When it was a fight to the death
. . .winning
was the only consideration. There were a LOT of
�dirty' tricks.
One of my favorites was the samurai who substituted a
carved
wooden sword for his foe's steel sword . . .THEN
challenged him to a fight. ^_^
 He then turned to a
new line of thought; if Ranma was around, the Tendou
Dojo had to be nearby. It also meant that Akane was
free, and now he had proved himself worthy of her by
defeating Ranma. Ryouga rushed off, elated in his
newfound luck.

##Akari? Akari who? ^)^



        Ranma gasped, the wind had been knocked out of
him, and it hadn't returned. There was an awful
feeling in his stomach. It was like horrible gas, only
it was twice as bad than a tummy ache and it was ten
times as bad as bloating. This was made worse by the
fact that his stomach was empty to begin with. The
recover was slow going, too. 

##Oh dear . . .MUCH too mild.
Example: Woman in Sweden was assaulted by man. He
tried
to force her to perform oral sex. She bit him. ^_^ The
police found him
several hours later STILL curled into a fetal
position. 
A solid kick like that could have crushed Ranma's . .
.tenderer parts . . .
like a bunch of grapes. 

        How could Ryouga have done such a thing? He'd
get him back for this. Normally, Ranma wasn't one for
revenge, but this called for him to immediately beat
the crap out of Ryouga and regain his honor�as soon as
he stopped having the urge to throw up.
##<G> Still MUCH too civilized for Ranma and the
situation.
Change throw up to vomit or puke. (I like vomit
myself)
This was a harsh blow . . .need a harsh word to
describe
the results. 

$ $ $

        Nabiki got back home from the photo
development
store. She was only mildly surprised to find Ryouga
bragging to Akane about how he defeated Ranma.

        "Wow, Ryouga. I hope you didn't hurt him too
badly,"
Akane was shocked at this new development.

        "Nah, it was nothing too bad. I just kicked
him, and
he went down," Ryouga told her, as if it was nothing
important.

##Change one of the �nothing'. Two in a row. 

        Nabiki went to the kitchen for something to
eat, and
she noticed a letter on the refrigerator. It was from
Kasumi, containing a list of things she wanted done
while she was out with their Auntie Nodoka. It even
had a nice little picture of Kasumi on it. Setting the
letter on the counter, Nabiki proceeded to look
through the refrigerator and cupboards for a snack.

        Finding nothing, she took a look at the list.
At the
top of the list was grocery shopping. 

        She had no time to wonder at the irony of it, 
##Why ironic?
when
Shampoo burst through the wall.

        "Nihao, Mercenary Girl. Shampoo here to see
airen,"
the bouncy amazon announced in a cheerful voice.

        "I'm afraid he's gone out. I'm sure he won't
be back
for a while."

        "That okay, Shampoo wait. Great-grandmother
give day
off."

        At that moment, Ukyou walked through the door,
obviously in a good mood. "Hi, everybody. Is Ranchan
around?"

        "Like I told Shampoo, he's gone out, and I
don't
think he'll be around any time soon."

        "I can wait. Konatsu is covering for me."

        "You're both welcome to stay--for a moderate
price,
of course. 1000 yen each, please." Nabiki held out her
hand.

        "Just to wait here?!" Ukyou exclaimed, not
very happy
at the prospect.

        "You kidding." Shampoo wasn't exactly
delighted,
either.  

        "You two _could_ help me out with a little
something."

        "What do you need help with?" Ukyou asked
suspiciously. Nabiki showed both of them the list that
Kasumi had made. They complied, not really wanting to
just sit doing nothing, anyway. 
##???I'd think more likely they would go out and look
for Ranma.
I just don't see any reason they would shop for
Nabiki. Now if you set it
up as in Tom Sawyer and white washing the fence. ^_^
OR told them the food was
for Ranma . . .Nabiki might even get them to BUY the
groceries. 

      Not long afterwards, Kodachi arrived. She didn't
want to �be lowered to the level of peasants' in
helping out with household chores, so she called
Sasuke to do it. She would wait for Ranma as well. It
wasn't long before Kuno arrived. Nabiki told him that
his �pig-tailed girl' would be back, and Sasuke was
made to work twice as hard.

##A little bland. IMO could be spiced up. 

     Before long, Mousse, Tsubasa (as a dustpan),
Akane (she could at least clean, Ryouga (he wanted to
help out), Sasuke, Shampoo, and Ukyou were all working
about the house and doing errands, while Nabiki
supervised.


     Some time later, an angry--but fully
recuperated--Ranma burst through the door, sure that
Ryouga had come here. He called out for the coward,
demanding a rematch. Everyone heard his voice, and all
hell broke loose.

     Various people either attacked him or glommed
onto him. Nabiki slapped her forehead, realizing her
mistake as soon as Ranma walked in. Oh well, she could
always send the repair bill to the Kunos. 

##Generic fanfic chaos. IMO better to either drop
entirely
or re-write with more detail. 

     With all the chaos swirling about, the kitchen
and living room were thoroughly destroyed. The damage
would have been greater, but Kasumi and Nodoka had
walked in at that moment. Apparently, one of them had
forgotten her purse. 

     Everyone stopped whatever they were doing, as
they heard the two words come out of the eldest Tendou
daughter and her companion.

     "Oh my."
##Again, bland. And having Kasumi say �Oh my' isn't
very
interesting.
The concept is good. Just go back and put in more
detail. OR
cut out a lot if you're going for a short <no pun
intended> story


$ $ $


      The guilty parties apologized profusely as
Nodoka reprimanded everyone involved. They would have
blamed it on Ranma, but he was unconscious, due to
several blows. Kasumi merely ignored them and went
around, surveying the damage.

##I want to see the fight. <pout> 

      Deciding it best to start now and forego the
convention, she went to the dishes in the kitchen,
putting on an apron. Picking up a tall glass cup, she
noticed that Nabiki had used it to drink one of her
protein shakes. Kasumi had told her specifically not
to do that, as it was hard to clean. Sighing, she
decided to start with a plate, instead. It seemed to
have sustained some damage from what had happened. The
plate broke in her hand, and blood came from where her
hand held the shard of broken china.

       Kasumi heaved another great sigh, and she tried
to continue, but it seemed all the energy had drained
from her. She quietly made her way to her room, and
slumped onto her bed, burying her face in her pillow.


       Everyone had watched Kasumi, and had seen what
had happened, stepping out of her way when she went
upstairs. 
##This seems very abrupt. Why is Kasumi so drained?
What's with the blood? 
(I KNOW she cut herself) It's just from the
description it seems like a set
up for something significant.


       "Ugh...What's going on?" Ranma woke up groggily
and was surprised to find everyone glaring at him.
"What did I do?"
##Yeah. What DID he do? (except forget to duck.)

$ $ $


        Ranma nervously approached Kasumi's room. It
wasn't
fair at all. It wasn't his fault that the house had
been screwed up, and Kasumi had been overwhelmed.
Someone else should be up here. No, he had to face up
to this like a man. 
##Errrr. Since when? Ranma spends a great deal of time
_avoiding_ things.  And it really isn't fair. At least
there needs to
be a description of how/why Ranma is forced into this.


Drawing up his courage, he knocked
on the door. 

        "Come in, Ranma-kun," came a soft voice from
inside.

        Ranma was too agitated to wonder how she knew
who it
was. Opening the door, he walked in and saw Kasumi
sitting on her bed. She appeared fine, except for her
right hand being bandaged. Ranma sat down next to her,
fidgeting.

        "Err...Sorry Kasumi." He figured, the quicker
he said
it, the quicker it would all be over.

        "For what?"

        "Uh, for messing up the house and everything.
I'm
sorry."
        
        "Oh, that. Don't worry about it."

        "You're not upset?"

        "Of course not! Why would you say that?"

        "Well, they said that you..."

        "I was just a little overwhelmed. I guess it
was a
little too much for me. And I was frustrated."

        "You know, If you're still feeling frustrated,
you
can, you know...I mean, we _are_ alone..." Ranma
insinuated, making a few small hand gestures.

        "Oh my. I couldn't do that..." Kasumi blushed
at the
implications

        "Don't worry about it, some say it's a great
stress
reliever. You probably need it more than anyone."

        "I couldn't impose on you like that..."

        "Its not like it's the first time for me, and
I
sincerely doubt it would be my last."

        "Well...if it's okay with you..." Kasumi moved
closer
to Ranma. She then inched her face closer to his,
parting her lips slightly.

        "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, RANMA!"

        Ranma was right, it _was_ a great stress
reliever.

##<VBG> a little rough but very funny. I did NOT see
that one coming.
(I thought it was a back rub.) Might be better if it
were a little shorter. Still
a brilliant punch line. ^_^
        
$ $ $

        Ranma walked along the road again, grumbling.
Today
had really sucked. Everyone had blamed him for
upsetting Kasumi, his mother was disappointed with
him, he'd had another argument with Akane, and he'd
taken out his anger on Ukyou and Shampoo, who--in
turn--had smacked him for being such a jerk. To top it
all off, his boxers were riding up on him.
##I like the boxers riding up. ^_^ (can boxers ride
up?)
The build up is a little bland but the boxer line is
very cute.

        He marched away angrily. Forget them. It
wasn't like
he needed them anyway. He could get along just fine
without all of the insanity they brought. Forget all
those girls, too. He was a virile, studly, and cunning
martial artist with lots of charisma. There were
probably millions of girls out there, just waiting to
be his.

##Drop the insanity. IMO it's overused. I love his
self description.
VERY good. Reminds me of the Contrary Jewel. 

        Ranma looked around and realized he had walked
into a
local mall. He turned to a cute girl and smiled at
her. Time to turn on the Saotome charm. She smiled
back and walked towards him. When she was close enough
to talk to him, the �studly' martial artist bolted. 

        Who was he kidding?

        He wondered how long it would take for his
fiancees
to forgive him, as he headed back to the dojo.
##??? IMO this needs to be reworked. Good concept. A
little more
detail would be nice. 

Overall. Nice. Some LOL spots. 
However it either needs to be MUCH shorter or a LOT
longer.
At it stands it feels very rushed. I think this story
has a LOT
of potential.  I would like to see more of the
shorts.^_^

As a _short_ story go with 
1)shorts
2)kick
3)kasumi-yell
4)shorts riding up
VERY fast and quick. Delete about 90% of filler
material. It slows the pace
and dilutes the really funny bits. 

OTOH IMO there are a lot of chances for humor in a
longer piece.
This is the authors choice. 

Good job. 
        





Author's Notes:


        Yup, this was all meant to parody fics where
Ranma
actually �Gets Fed Up'. He's the reason for most of
his troubles. Besides, he's a masochist ;).

        I had meant to finish this earlier, but things
kept
getting in the way. This is just the first in a series
of parodies (shameless plug: Look for �Meddler On the
Roof'!). I finished this late at night, so I'm sure
there are a lot of things wrong with this, but I'll
address some of the character problems.

Nabiki: Why didn't she realize how much of disaster
would result from her allowing everyone to stay?

        She wanted to get everything cleaned up, and
she was
blinded by the prospect of having everything done so
easily for her.

Kasumi: What the hell?

        When I asked for cliches about her, people
pointed
towards fics where she was shown as either: 1)Closet
Genius 2)Master of all evil 3)Totally Brainless. So, I
decided to humanize her. Besides, she's no wonderwoman
(though, I will be exploring this possibility in a
future fic).

Ryouga: Heh. Got the idea for his fight scene with
Ranma from Allyn Yonge's �I'm A Guy!'. Like to see
Ranma come up with a counter for _that_ move. =P

Ranma: See above.

##^_^ Thank's. I'm planning a *Ranma* /Ryouga fight in

chapter 2. I may use something similar.(Great idea,
btw)



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