Grayson Towler <grayson@rigroup.net> wrote:

Ryouga awoke to the smell of damp earth and the feel of a cold 
breeze in his hair.  Winter was coming, driving the dead leaves 
of autumn before it with its bitter, slicing winds.  It was 
always the cruelest season for traveling, when the chill sapped 
the world of its buoyant vitality and resentful grey clouds 
jealously guarded the sky against what little light the sun 
could provide.  Winter was the season of death, an annual 
reminder that all things were doomed to end, and that the end 
was always cold.

Nice imagery.

And yet, it could be the most beautiful of times.  Ryouga 
remembered a morning many years ago, when he was standing on 
a high cliff and looking out over a morning landscape covered 
in new-fallen snow.

Suggest 'when he had stood on a high cliff and looked...'

"Very nice," Ukyou said with a grimace.  "You and your morbid 
attitude.  Ain't ya ever heard of optimism, sugar?"

Ryouga scratched his head and mulled it over.  "No.  What is 
it?"

Heh.

Ranma-chan stuck her tongue out at him.  "If anyone needs dental 
work 'round here, it's you."  She crossed her eyes and faked a 
giant overbite.  "Blah!  Blah!  I vant to suck your blood!"

Ranma knows the right way to annoy VLARPers, I see....

Kuno Tatewaki stood silhouetted against the morning sunlight 
streaming through the airport lobby window, striking a noble 
pose atop the check-in desk.

Suggest 'sunlight that streamed through the...' (No particular
grammatical reason -- just that what you've got just seems a little
awkward to me for some reason.)

Natsume's weapon caught the self-styled samurai a meter before 
he hit Akane.  Kuno's body slammed to the floor, spread-eagle, 
and slid across the smooth tile.  Curious onlookers parted 
before the splayed warrior, until finally his motion was 
checked by the fortuitous convergence of his head and a concrete 
retaining wall.

Ah yes, the "Kuno gets slapped around for comic relief" scene. :)

"Gotcha."  Nabiki cleared her throat before continuing.  "Then 
we had the Lord of Vengeance, the Fury of the Blade, 
Scintillating Shogun, the Teenage Tornado, and the Indigo 
Falcon.  There was one day he was calling himself the Mordant 
Lime Sponge, but we think that had something to do with his 
sister's chemical experiments.  After that he was the Savage 
Tiger, the Lion of Justice, and the Dragon Champion.  And of 
course he lost a little wager to Ranma one week and had to call 
himself the Clueless Mingebag.

What, and he actually acknowledged the defeat?

"Tendou, didst thou say?" Kuno queried.  "So, the fair Akane 
hath another sister, or mayhap yet a cousin.  Now, all becomes 
clear."  The kendo champion heaved a world-weary sigh and put 
his hand to his chest.  "Once again, the irresistible charm of 
Kuno Tatewaki cannot be contained.  Witnessing the love that her 
sister shares with me, this poor maid becomes feverish with 
envy.  'Tis a tragedy, a most cruel twist of fate!"

"I'm sorry to be the one who has to tell you this," Natsume 
said in an icy voice.  "But you, upperclassman, are seriously 
delusional."

Well, duh. :p

Natsume extricated her rugbeater and flicked her ponytail back 
over her shoulder.  "Hmmph.  All that buildup for nothing."  
She noticed that Akane and Nabiki were giving her strange 
looks.  "What?  Something wrong?"

"N... nothing!" Akane said.  "Um... I hope things go well for 
school at you.  That's all."

Is that Akane's mistake (because she's flustered) or yours?

A few minutes later, Kuno Tatewaki regained consciousness.  
<Who was that fierce maiden?> he asked himself as he gazed 
thoughtfully up into the florescent lights of the airport 
ceiling, a quiet stone amidst the human river of airport 
traffic.  <So stern of visage, so skilled at arms, yet so 
lovely and innocent. Wait... did not the small one say that 
she doth attend the same school as myself?  This matter requires 
much contemplation...>

Not sure where this subplot is going. You're writing Kuno as pretty much
a complete idiot. While there *is* support for this treatment in the
manga, mind you ^_^, it doesn't make me want to read about a
Kuno-Natsume relationship, even if she is an anime-only character. :)
If, on the other hand, it only means Kuno is going to continue to be
comic relief, you may have given away the punchline too soon. Seems to
me it'd be funnier if we found out when Nats gets to school and Kuno's
there.

<Almost there,> Tarou assured himself as he struggled against 
the numbing fatigue in his body.  <Just a little bit more.>

The agony in his right wing was incredible.

Another victory for the moderates and liberals....

He realized now that he had underestimated it.  But how could 
he have known the Reikoku would be so fierce this time, so 
terrifyingly quick and strong?  It should have relied upon 
its hot water attack to defeat him - with that countered, he 
should have been able to crush it easily with his superior 
bulk and muscle.  Tarou had known that it would be more 

dangerous when he fought it for the second time, but he had 

Extra line spacing.

failed to predict just how much more lethal it would be.

Maybe he should have realized that the animal instincts which 
still retained partial control of his monstrous body would 
cause him such trouble.  That was really why he'd been so hurt 
in defeating the Reikoku.  Parts of his body had literally gone 
into seizures when he'd clashed with his unearthly enemy.  He'd 
been forced to try to fight while an uncontrollable mass of 
tentacles writhed and spasmed on his back, while his tail had 
bitten chunks from his calves and flank in its desperation and 
panic.

Might be nice for us to see that stuff happen, instead of hearing about
it after the fact. Also, maybe a little more description to set the
scene... I didn't know what was happening until several paragraphs into
it.

An early evening mist descended upon the springs of Jusenkyou, 
shrouding the accursed grounds in an eerie white gloom.  The 
Guide stood in the doorway of his hut, aghast at what was going 
on but powerless to stop it.  He winced as he heard the 
chittering and screeching of terrified animals out amongst 
the accursed springs.  The Guide felt a keen sympathy with their 
plight - like the poor, trapped creatures, he wanted nothing 
more than to escape.  But this was his life and his duty, and 
he dared not leave.  He watched the dark shape of the figure 
through the thin wisps of fog as it moved about the edge of a 
spring, and he prayed.

The hare and the chicken scrabbled uselessly at the wicker bars 
of their prisons, their small minds consumed with the 
overpowering need to escape. Tarou watched them numbly for 
a moment.  He swayed on unsteady knees, momentarily unable to 
remember what he was doing.  

The switch from the Guide's POV to Pantyhose's is a bit abrupt here.
Confused me at first.

Tarou fumbled in his pack and produced a long-handled dipper.  
He was painfully aware that he didn't have much time to complete 
this operation, but it was dangerous to rush things in Jusenkyou.  
He'd spent a lot of time in this place, running his experiments 
and cataloging his observations.

This bit worries me. Wonder if the results of his experiments are still
running around.

"Oh yes, my dear," he said, laughing.  "Now, you scuttling 
insects, witness my power unleashed.  Witness... the Spring 
of the Drowned Reikoku!"

Hibiki went for a bandanna, and fem-boy tried to warm up that 

Um... the bandannas attack went out with vol. 2, ya know.

Once that was done, nothing he desired would be beyond his 
reach.  The Reikoku's tracking skills were infallible - he 
could hunt down Happosai and force that repulsive little vermin 
to change his name.   To see that old bastard trembling in 
terror would be sweet indeed.  After that?  There were certain 
others with whom he would like to catch up and teach a lesson - 
mostly those who had used his name in vain.  He had a score to 
settle with Rouge, too.   Then... well, he would have to see.  
The world itself would be his for the taking.

This was a nice bit (if only because one knows something will go
horribly wrong with the plan) but it went on a bit long. Maybe you could
break up this solliquoy with some interspersed dialog or action?
Otherwise one wonders why Ranma and the others are just standing there
while Pantyhose is fantasizing away.

How lost he had been, how utterly lost.  He had existed 
somewhere in the consciousness of the thing he had become, 
howling and thrashing in an endless void, unheeded and 
irrelevant.  He had been so small, so very tiny, an 
insignificant speck in the hungering maw of night, not even 
bright enough to stand out against the limitless blackness.

What had he done?  

Screwed up, big time.

Always glad to help answer these questions. :)

Pantyhose Tarou turned back towards the Reikoku as it continued 
towards him on its unerring course.  He dropped into a fighting 
stance, his hands clenched into iron-hard fists.  Some part of 
him was still laughing in a high, shrill voice, but he paid it 
no mind.  He knew he had one choice left to him now.

At the very least, he would die as a man.

A man named Pantyhose, though. He he he! :-)

- - - - - - 

It did not occur to Ranma to ask himself why he was trying so 
hard to save his bitter enemy, even after what Tarou had done 
to Ryouga.  It was perhaps Ranma's most ennobling trait - he 
could not stand by and let another person come to harm without 
at least trying to help, no matter who it was.  

That's true, but I don't know that we need to be told; it's shown well
enough through his actions..

<Must've been one of those unused springs, like the one 
Pantyhose dumped the Reikoku into,> she thought.  <Damn, 
THAT was close.>

Hey! Ranma's been listening to the omniscient narrator! :)

Then, Tarou threw a punch.  His fist disappeared into the folds 
of the creatures robes for a split second.  Something crunched 

creature's

"Come out, my child," the Jusenkyou Guide called.  "Is all 
right now."

Why the pidgin speech to his own daughter? Alone with her, and in China,
wouldn't he speak in Chinese?

It really was a very tragic story.

Well, if not yet, it almost surely will be....

PLUM:  The Jusenkyou Guide's daughter, who is a young but 
very capable and bright girl being trained to take over her 
father's position.  Not too much to say about her since she 
doesn't play much of a role in the story. To my knowledge, she 
only appears in the manga, but I'm pretty sketchy on the later 
anime, so I might be wrong.

I'm pretty sure that you're right. The anime had ended by the time she
appeared.

Well, did you really think that everybody would get out of 
this alive?

Not surprised at all. it was foreshadowed MORE than well enough. :) I
expected Ryoga to be the one to buy it, though....

While it's something of a fanfic convention (and a perfectly 
legitimate one, as I see it) that Kuno continues to call himself 
the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, I'm pretty certain that he 
only refers to himself once that way in the manga.  I'm less 
sure about the anime.  Anyway, I figured I'd have a little fun 
with that, since this was otherwise quite the serious chapter.

I thought the names were a clever bit in what was otherwise a pretty
standard Kuno scene.

Overall, good chapter with some nice writing. Pantyhose's idea came out
a little abruptly, but it made sense, and the whole thing was very much
in character for him and the way it turned out was quite believable.
Changing Ryoga's curse is a weird development on top of everything else.
At least Akane won't kill him now.... ^_^


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html