Ha! I finally got to this thing! Falling behind a week or so in unchecked 
mail is definately something that goes in the "NEVER AGAIN" box.

From: "Lucien Lockhart" <lucienlockhart@HOTMAIL.COM>
To: nexuspost@HOTMAIL.COM
CC: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: Re: [C&C][FFML][Fanfic/Ranma 1/2][LEMONLIME][Homade Viagra]
Date: Wed, 01 Sep 1999 16:36:19 GMT


First off, this is a LEMON...when you start talking about folds and
petals....LIME is no longer a consideration.  *insert profuse blushing*

*Scratches back of head* Well, I've seen worse, so I couldn't decide. Sue a 
guy for bein slightly poetic.

Just know Kenji-kun that big sis will be reading NO MORE of your LEMON/LIME
series.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

But I did check the plot, content, etc....

*brightens considerably*
well, went through the reviews and corrections (domo arigato), so let's skip 
to the good parts

SUPER SNIP LEVEL 4

*****************************

IT'S SNOWING, IT'S SNOWING.  ^_^

In Georgia? I think not.
SNIPPER SOME MORE...

village. [What a pleasant event it will be too,] she thought on her way
down
the stairs. [I'll finally be able to pass my bond ornaments on, and then
wait until she makes Matriarch, and has plenty of future leaders running
around
my feet...]
	The daydream of the pitter-patter of little martial artist was dropped,
as well as her stomach when she entered the kitchen. The shear 

viciousness

better:  Like I said, the rest is coherency issues that can be addressed by
replacing a word or phrase Por ejemplo:  ...artist feet faded and Cologne's
stomach lurched when she entered the kitchen.

That wouldn't give off the exact effect I was going for, but I'll think 
about it.
SNIPS WITH A VENGENCE

"What is

it Ukyo-sama?" The body in her hands was quickly put in his. "Take 

Ranchan

upstairs and put her and wash her off please? I'll take care of things 

down

here." Konatsu hurried with Ranma's body up the stairs, as Ukyo went 

about

better:  lose the word 'body' in this last sentence.  Sounds like the poor
dear is dead, not just really, really horny.

Konatsu(bad British accent): Do I make you horney baby?
Ranma(Snuggles closer): Um-hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
SILENCE GLAIVE SNIPPAGE!!!

	Konatsu sat the still shacking Saotome on a bench and went about 

cleaning

better:  'shacking'/shacking up: to sleep or live together as unmarried
partners.  'shaking':  to tremble as a result of physical or emotional
disturbance.

Is that from Asuka's guide (in which it's shagging), or Shinji's guide (in 
which it's only in Asuka's dreams)?
SNIPPING TO THE THIRD POWER

	Akane had just stomped in the door when she was assaulted by Soun and
Genma.
	"Akane, have you seen that worthless son of mine?" The bald man asked.
	"I just ran into the baka. You think he would have even called in. No

better:  a true pet peeve of mine is ending a sentence in a preposition 
like
'in' or 'on'.  In this case, just leaving the preposition off the sentence
makes it run smoother.  American culture tends to use more words than
necessary in some instances, this is one of them.  Por ejemplo:  You think
he would have called.  Also, 'even' is not modifying anything, it doesn't
enhance a sentence, just weighs it down.  Gomen if this stuff ain't clear.

Butthead: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hey Beavis, she said stuff. huh huh huh

Beavis: Yeah heh heh. Stuff my monkey boy.
ANOTHER CLEVER SNIP JOKE

*****************************

	Ranma put down the queasiness in her stomach and continued to wash down.

better:  try another phrase.  'put down' isn't appropriate for the the
action you speak about in this sentence.

Farachon: What's wrong in this country is we're letting these people put us 
down too much.

The Rock: Well jabronie, how about I put the smack down on ya instead, you 
roody-poo candy ass!!
THE ROCK'S LAYIN THE SNIP DOWN

	"But you do you jackass! Everytime, it's Akane, or the Amazon
bimbo, or someone that just happens to catch sight of you! Your always
comforting them, but only come to me with the emotional baggage!

Readers musings:  *sweatdrop* didn't she just ask for this very same 
baggage
fresh off an 12 hour AirTran flight?

Are you kidding? She's a highly leathal and deadly martial artist who, like 
everyone else in Nerima, is slightly touched. You know for a fact that 
people like that only ride Delta ^_^.
FLY BY SNIP, CRASHED HALFWAY THROUGH

stomach. [No! not to her!] She unwrapped herself from Ukyo, but was 

caught

by a shivering arm.
	"Please Ranma, please don't run. Don't leave me again. I'll do anything

Reader's musing:  nani?

Anything:Meaning any possible concept, task, or ordeal before one.
SNIP 1/2

Reader's musing:  So before Ranma gets home he/she/shim is going to lay the
following people:  Ukyo

check

Kuno

not if they paid me to write it.

Shampoo

maybe

Moose

Ryoga

nope

Cologne

Not if I was MENTALY BLIND!

Happossai

NO CHANCE IN HELL, HEAVEN, THE FOUR CORNERS, ASGARD, THE NEGAVERSE, 
EL-HAZARD, JURAI, TATOOINE, ALDERAAN, CORUSCANT, OR ANYWHERE ELSE!!!!

the Nerima band

who?

Kasumi and Nabiki

hmmmmmmmmm...

Soun and the panda  >

HELL NO

Shampoo

Damn, that's rather harsh isn't it?

some martial artist who
challenged Ranma

not feelin up to new characters

...but AKANE ain't gettin' none!  Okeday....^_^

Whatever floats yer boat I say.
IPSNAY

Reader's musing:  Let's just say after that sentence, I scanned ahead
kenji-kun.  *mutters about testosterone levels being off balanced along 
with
imagination and how the hell can honey be musky?*

*scratches back of head**shrugs*

<<<SNIP FOR READER'S SAKE.  GOOD GOSH MAN!!  *severe blushing*>>>

You act like it was a tax report.
I.R.SNIP

Okay, my over all review.  The wake up scene adds a nice touch.  I could
tell at the beginning you had a great idea of where you were going and
toward the end, maybe through too many suggestions or too many ideas, you
lost the beaten path.  In the end, this may be good but you'd have to spend
more time in your planning phase to find out if this new path is for you.
With the exception of the porn scene, I like the way you presented the
story.  There is an extreme verbiage issue at several points in the story
and your grammar causes major comprehension problems.  Sometimes you have 
to
get to the point quicker and other times walk slowly to take in the full
view.

As far as characterization, I will give you leeway on Ranma as he is 
drugged
and everything.  This must be Akane early on, but if this is an Akane early
on in the story, half of those characters shouldn't be around, sugar.  
Akane
by the time Ukyo shows up would actually take a moment to reflect before
sending Ranma into low earth orbit.  Shampoo is a whole 'nother can of
beans.  Luckily she is sleep so I can't critique her too much, but
nonetheless, I don't see her and Ranma getting along well enough for her to
nurse anything on the boy.  But I haven't read the manga.  I do compliment
you on keep some character's in the background.  A lot of authors try to
pull every single person that every showed up on a anime into the story and
get totally lost.  And that is the bottom line because...you know. :):)

Uh, okay. Thanx for the much needed C&C. The fic is that much better now, so 
now I can work on chapter 3!

Plot: 3 mallets
Grammar:  2 mallets
Punctuation: 4 mallets
Characterization:  2.5 mallets
Creativity:  5 mallets
Avg:  3.3

No 4.0?

Lucien
Dork Squire Supreme, Jedi Knight and Protectress of ISAD.

Ja ne!!!^_^
-Kenji Murasaki(We're all a little wiser now.)

"Damn morning people, annoying, cheerful, energetic morning people.
People
better off dead.  Shoot them just on principle.  Blaster,
near.  Shoot.  No.
Stay.  In bed.  Forever.  My place, my bed.  Mine, mine."

        "Stuff" by Gheorghe2

"Could someone please explain to me how he managed to put a
Club(tm) on the entry plug?"
    -Asuka      -Excerpt from the Obnoxious Otaku Series

"To live, is to suffer. To survive, well that's to find meaning
in the suffering."
                -DMX, 'Slippin'

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