Subject: [ffml][Ranma][Fusion] Red Dwarf 1/2 Byte 2
From: Kai Yamazaki
Date: 9/3/1999, 6:05 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Red Dwarf 1/2 Byte 2

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This is an SOS distress message from the mining ship, Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation
leak. The only survivors are three people who were in stasis at the time of the leak, Ryoga Hibiki,
Kodachi Kuno and Azusa Shiratori, although the number looks set to go down 

Additional: Six million years alone in space has caused me to go slightly peculiar. I would've gone
insane ages ago, if not for the relationship I share with my collection of singing potatoes. 

~~~~~ 

"HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIEEEEE!!!!!!!" 

"Good morning to you too, Kodachi," Ryoga muttered under his breath as he fled her wrath of justice� or
something like that. 

Laughing insanely at the top of her lungs, Kodachi waved her ribbon madly in the air with absolutely no
regard for anything that might be in the way. Not that anything was, but there could've been. "Foolish
boy, it won't do you any good to run!!!" 

{Oh yeah? It helped every other day,} he thought to himself, jumping to the side. "Give it a rest,
Kodachi!" he called over his shoulder. "It's not my fault your Darling Ranma kicked the bucket! After six
million years, that kind of thing happens!" 

"SHUT UP!!!" Kodachi screamed madly. 

"If it's any consolation," he continued recklessly, "if he were alive, the age difference would be
incomparable." 

"DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!" 

"Missed me!" he called cockily as the ribbon whipped above his head. Kodachi grinned madly as a loud
creaking noise filled the air. With a sinking feeling, Ryoga looked up at the ceiling beam, having just
enough time to go into the standard Takahashi shock pose before it landed on his head. 

~~~~~ 

Here it is! Back due to popular demand� um� well, three of you� It's - drumroll please - 

============================================== 
RED DWARF 1/2!! 
Byte 2 - In Space, No-One Can Hear You Scream. 
I grovel at the feet of the bigwigs at BBC! 
============================================== 

{�Ouch�} Ryoga thought, opening his eyes. He quickly shut them again as Ivi's pixelated face filled his
vision. "Where am I?" he asked weakly. 

"Deep space," Ivi replied seriously. "Remember it? Big? Black? Dotted with twinkly bits and planetoids?" 

"Not funny." 

"MediBay," Ivi relented. "Azusa heard Kodachi's cackling and got the skutters to bring you here while she
vented her anger on her. They're on floor 349 and from where I can see, it actually looks like some kind
of lesbian sex orgy. Wanna see?" 

"NO!" Ryoga looked aghast at the very thought. "So who's winning?" 

"Azusa. She's got Kodachi tied up with her own ribbon and she's torturing her." He shuddered. "Barney the
Dinosaur on re-run. I should've dumped them into space yonks ago. That woman is cruel, I tell you." 

"Remind me to act grateful later," Ryoga grumbled. 

Ivi sighed. "This is getting to be a regular thing, innit? How are you, the last human male alive,
supposed to prevent the human race from dying out if you can't stand the last two living human girls? I
mean, what's so bad about them?" 

"Azusa's a kleptomaniac� actually, she's a fully qualified maniac," he corrected. "She kidnapped me in
pig-form once and challenged Akane to a skating match to decide who'd get to keep me." He scowled. "Plus,
I cannot see myself ever involved in a relationship with anyone who calls me Charlotte." 

"What about Kodachi?" 

"One, she loves Ranma, two, the goal of her life is to wipe me out." He pulled a comical face. "I don't
think I could ever father any of *her* children and even if I wanted to, there's no way she'd let me live
that long." 

"Charlotte!!!" Azusa's voice echoed down the corridor. "Azusa's coming to visit her Charlotte!" 

Ryoga paled and ran over to the service duct. "Tell her I broke my leg and had to be shot!" he called,
climbing inside. 

"Will do," Ivi assured him. "Although you might not wanna go in there," he added with a shrug. "Well, I
tried." 

~~~~~ 

The service ducts were cold and dark and more claustrophobic than anything he could think of, but they
were Azusa-and-Kodachi-free. Which was definitely good as Ryoga knew all too well. {Azusa and Kodachi�}
he thought to himself grimly. Of all the people to end up in deep space with, he had Azusa and Kodachi.
ANYONE would have been better than those two. Frankly, he'd rather share the ship with Hitler and Stalin
than those two. As long as you steered clear of politics, they were probably very nice� 

All of a sudden there was a loud yowl and something struck him in the chest, knocking him backwards out
of a vent. Winded, he looked up at the woman who was knelt over him, sniffing carefully. With a shrug,
she jumped to her feet, pulled a comb out of the pocket of her royal-blue velvet shirt and ran it through
her carefully styled magenta hair. "Sorry, babe. I thought you were food." 

~~~~~ 

"Didn't you know?" Ivi said in surprise before correcting himself. "Of course you don't, you were in
stasis." He paused. "Well, Lister smuggled a cat on board ship, keeping it in his quarters. Then he had a
photograph of himself taken with it. The captain saw it of course and when ballistic when Dave refused to
hand it over to be dissected because they wouldn't put it back together afterwards. He was due to be put
in stasis the day after you lot - the day of the leak. But his cat, Frankenstein, was safely sealed in
the hold along with another cat, cute little thing with purple ears and a purple tail." 

Ryoga blanched at this, having a pretty good suspicion of who the other cat was. "So go on," he prompted.
"Who's she?" He nodded his head sideways at the magenta-haired woman who was currently eating a bowl of
Rice Krispies without a spoon. 

"She evolved from those cats. Just like you're evolved from monkeys, she's evolved from cats," Ivi
finished. 

The woman grinned as the two of them turned and looked at her, then continued eating. When she'd
finished, she licked the bowl clean and carefully removed her embroidered bib and folded it up. Then she
looked Ryoga up and down. "Hello there, hot stuff," she leered. "�Hi," he replied slowly, slightly
unnerved by the way she was looking at him like he was a bowl of strawberries and cream or the winning
lottery ticket. "What's your name?" 

She looked puzzled. "Name? What's a name?" 

Ryoga blinked. "You don't have a name? What do you call other cats?" 

"Hey you!" She grinned, showing two elongated fangs. "Do you have a�" She paused thoughtfully and rolled
the word off her tongue. "Name?" 

"Yes. My name's Ryoga. And the computer is Ivi." 

Ivi grinned and nodded down at her. Cat acknowledged him briefly before turning back to Ryoga. "You know,
you're kinda cute, Ry-o-ga." 

"�" 

"You know what I'd really like?" she continued, standing up and advancing on him. "I'd really like to
make love to a guy like you. What are you doing in� Hey! Where are you going?!!" 

Ivi snickered as Cat exited the room in hot pursuit of Ryoga. 

~~~~~ 

"What we need," Ryoga said sternly from his hiding place inside one of the express elevators. "Is
somebody to keep those women under control." 

Ivi nodded reluctantly in agreement. To him, anything that was vaguely entertaining was better than the
six million years of nothing he'd had to endure, but he could see Ryoga's point.. "You see, the problem
with that is that the crew are dead. And the human race is almost certainly dead. Which leaves a rather
distinct lack of personnel to deal with the problem." 

Ryoga snapped his fingers. "Wait a second! Can't you bring back a hologram of one of the dead crew?" 

Ivi pondered the thought for a moment. "You're right." Searching his data banks of available personality
chips, he came across one that caught his optics. {This should be interesting.} 

~~~~~ 

"Hibiki, you swine! Where are you hiding now?!" Kodachi screeched, running down the corridor. 

"Well, if it isn't my very own twisted sister," a voice proclaimed. 

Kodachi turned around, wide-eyed. "Brother????" The hologramatic form of Officer Tatewaki Kuno stepped
froward with a stern look on his face. Kodachi looked at the large 'H' on his forehead. "You're dead,"
she stated. 

"Yes." Kuno looked impassive. "I was hit on the head by a twelve-ton steel demolition ball. I couldn't be
deader." 

"What's it like?" Kodachi asked curiously. She hadn't had many conversations with dead people before -
after all, corpses aren't exactly great conversationalists. 

Kuno blinked. "What, death?" 

"Yes." 

Kuno continued to look impassive for a moment before crumpling up like a used tissue. "It's like being on
holiday with a group of Germans, dear sister. Imagine it, me, the great and noble Tatewaki Kuno cut down
in his prime. I could've married Akane and the pig-tailed girl and been promoted to Navigation Officer. I
wanted to be a Captain! But here I am, brought back to keep an eye on you." Regaining his composure, he
glared at her. "You haven't been taking your medication, have you, Kotchi?" 

With the look of the one being ticked off by the righteous, Kodachi shuffled nervously before finally
caving in. "Not really." 

"Come along then," he commanded, strolling down the corridor with Kodachi at his heels. "You know your
medicine makes you feel better�" 

~~~~~ 

"Of all the people you brought back, you had to bring *him*!!" Ryoga moaned. 

Ivi shrugged. "See, the thing is, Tatewaki Kuno is mega-rich and mega- important, so a copy of his
personality chip was sent to all the ships in the Space Corps. Plus, he's Kodachi's brother, so he has
some kind of control over her," he pointed out. 

Ryoga nodded grudgingly. "You have a point there," he admitted. Then his eyes widened. "Wait a second� I
don't suppose there's any chance that you have Akane's personality chip too???" His eyes turned to hearts
at the thought of his one true love. {Oh Akane� after all this time, there may still be a chance for us
yet�} 

"Nope," Ivi informed him, stomping the thought into a kazillion pieces. 

"Damn!" Ryoga swore. He thought for a second before reaching a decision. "Ivi, plot a course for Earth. I
don't care if it's been destroyed or if the ant's have taken over, it's gotta be better than this." 

Ivi looked surprised. "Captain Hollister's the only one allowed to issue course changes�" 

"Well, we'll give him five seconds to come back from the dead before we assume I'm in charge." Ryoga
looked around him. "Nope, he hasn't managed it. Let's go." 

~~~~~ 

"Back to Earth?" Azusa looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding her head. "Azusa want's to go back
to Earth too." 

"All the people we knew will probably be dead," Kuno warned. 

Kodachi shrugged. "I will go back to and pay for a hologram of Ranma-Darling to be made." She laughed and
everyone covered their ears. 

"What for? You won't be able to touch him." Kuno waved his arm through her to illustrate his point. 

Kodachi didn't look put out. "Maybe when we get back they'll have found a cure for dying�" 

"Yes, I bet doctors surgeries are just filled with the dead," Ivi said sarcastically. "I can see it now.
Hello Miss Smith," he said in a falsetto. "Take two of these pills and try not to fall under any more
buses." 

"What about her?" Kuno nodded to Cat, who was taking one of her many naps. 

"She's coming too. We can hardly leave her here," Ryoga told him. "Why are you being so dismissive about
this?" 

Kuno looked slightly annoyed. "I would like as much as yourself to return to Earth," he insisted,
crossing his arms. "But just look at what six million years has done to the house pets. Even if the human
race still exists, we'll still be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the ocean." 

"Well, we'll never know unless we go," Ryoga pointed out, standing up. He struck a pose. "Look out world,
the slime's coming home!" 

~~~~~ 

End Byte 2 

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Benji Delaski
benji_delaski@mailcity.com 
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Member 30 of SSoAGMA, Deadly Everyday Object Weaponary Technique, Dragon Warrior Style
Mousse no miku; Generally dangerous English otaku; Supporter of cliched pairs;
Member of the Chan club; WoS; SCG; COURT; SOotCiP;CotMHW - Launderer of the Robes of Death;
Head Castrator of the Hotnit Feminisation Project; Keeper of the Moneybags for the Hotnit Fan Club;
4th Gen. EOE; Image Consultant For "That Guy"; #WASHU#;AKPReSS, Gen. Div.; SLAP;
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