[Ed. Note : The author of #21 wasn't able to finish her part due to RL
obligations; she'll be doing the first episode of Season Four, later
on, instead. Without further adieu...]
-=-
Click.
Click.
Isolated sounds in a Secret Headquarters of Chaos And Chuck E
Cheese's Pizza and Video Game Supply Storage Room, echoing in a
darkened chamber. The kind of clicking that can only lead to bad
things. Very bad things.
Click.
"No, that won't work. If you get an island, you have to name
it. And oppress the population. Which is fun, but then you need
to buy mops..."
Click.
"Hmmm. Rare print of an Miss Manners column where she
instructs Lonely in Los Angeles to go kiss a shotgun. Naah, not
worth it..."
WHUMPH. James finished wheeling in the next crate of pizza
dough. This was NOT his thing... he didn't do manual labor! He
did Pokemon poaching! Surely his job description in the clan of
Sex and Violence said he didn't have to do heavy lifting... right?
Of course, last time he brought up the topic of 'contract
negotiation' he found himself crucified upside down and forced to
watch the live action 'Street Fighter' movie. After that, he
tended to feel satisfied with his job whether he actually was or
not.
"...a live strain of Ebola! What do you think, Mr. Duck?"
Jack asked his desktop, water-resistant companion.
Mr. Duck made no reply. At least, not one that could be
heard outside the tight rubber walls of Jack's mind.
"Boss, what are you doing?" James asked, eager to get away
from work for a moment.
"Oh, I'm cruising eBay(tm)," Controversial Jack said,
clicking through a few more auctions. "I recently got twenty
three skajillion dollars, and I'm trying to find something fun to
spend it on."
James' eyes lit up with little yen signs. "BOSS! How on
earth did you get that much money?! The things I could do with
it! Expensive cars, good food, swimming pools, movie stars--"
"Simple! I sold all your Pokemon trading cards."
"..." James said, his soul cracking like a three minute egg.
The collection he had spent months perfecting, storing them in
acid free dust protected individually wrapped plastic holders,
refusing to sell them even when they were strapped for cash and
buying day old bakery goods...
"I mean, you should have SEEN the prices those weird things
were going for!" Jack said, laughing. "Especially the holo ones.
I mean, I just said, 'I have a complete set with all rares and
holos' and BOOM! Everybody kept bidding on it until we maxed out
the integer bit depth of eBay(tm)!"
"But.. but BOSS!"
"Streeeet Fighter, James--"
"What a brilliant plan!!" James shouted, twitching and
sweating.
"Good, good," Jack said. "Obedience. I dig that. We'll
whip you pansies into fighters that can challenge that Martha
Stewart clone Kasumi Tendo's wimps any day now. Or I'll just have
you all purged and swept clean by fire. Out with the old, in with
the new, gotta keep the controversy fresh or it just becomes
gimmick..."
The screen stopped scrolling. History waited with baited
breath, as Jack's eye happened to snag one item, and not let
go....
Click.
Available. In his price range. Buyer pays shipping.
Perfect. Absolutely PERFECT...
His inner controversy boiled with turmoil and indecision. A
little devil appeared on Jack's shoulder. "Do it, man! Do it!
Be evil! Have fun! Cause chaos! Bwahahaha!"
An angel appeared on his other shoulder. "I'm with him,
let's screw 'em hard!" the angel wisely suggested, before playing
a round of Ultimate Frisbee with his halo and Mr. Duck.
"It's settled," Jack said to the voices in his head. "James,
get the others. Our time is NOW. With one stroke, I fell
Kasumi's entire empire of goodness, wholesomeness, and moronic
dullness, cutting with the swift blade of the internet and all the
loonies who use it while spouting a villainish monologue that goes
nowhere but provides plenty of dramatic buildup to the point where
I..."
Hit 'BID'.
James was speechless.
Controversial Jack span his cool wheely office chair around
to face his underling. "We're moving on up, James, and it's not
to the east side. Let's get ready for..."
*
{ M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R }
{ F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N }
{ .-----------. }
{ | U-L-T-R-A | }
{ `-----------' }
{ http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }
| | | - +-- ---. ._
| | | | | / | \
|__/ ___ | | \ | _\
._
UltraRage | \
BETA: | _\ STYX AND
+--- STONES
| -.
\__|
.-- +--- - +-- ._
|_/ | -- | | \
|_\ +--- | | _\
Episode 21
Written by Stefan Gagne
*
Millions of dollars were poured into the promotion.
Advertisements were just as omnipresent as 1-800-COLLECT was. Of
course, using a holy miracle to promote the PPV was not something
Kasumi would do, but the end result was damn close to one --
hushed, excited whispers about UltraRage Beta were spoken in no
less than five thousand languages around the globe. A figure
usually only seen on that Budget Deficit tally billboard in New
York was poured into Ultra's coffers.
After subtracting expenses for the campaign and to pay the
fighters, all the money went to charity. That's the kind of god
Kasumi was.
"These buyrates are phenomenal. We stand to make more money
off this pay-per-view than on any of the merchandise to date! And
you want to GIVE it away?" Nabiki asked, still astonished at the
decision. "Sis... you're GOD. Why can't you just, you know, wish
all the charities into having lots of money?"
Kasumi, ever-calm, sat at the low table in her office and
sipped her tea before replying. "You know why," she said simply.
"I do? But I..." Nabiki thought about it. And it hit her in
the face like one of those signs that you think looks like the
letter G but is really a buffalo and means you're going to need
expensive glasses. "Oh, right. If you just make money, then
inflation will rise, and it'll cause problems?"
"Exactly," Kasumi said. "And no, I can't just wish all the
people on earth into happiness and joy. There are... limits.
Some actions could backfire quite dangerously."
"Limits? On you?"
"The party line has always been to not mention them," Kasumi
said. "The.. one who came before me was very good at this, to the
point where he didn't acknowledge them himself. But yes. Aside
from them, I can do almost anything -- but that doesn't mean I
should do everything. People have to help themselves, sometimes,
and there are lines I do not wish to cross..."
"Right. Anyway, about these other changes to tonight's fight
card... I can't say I agree with them. I mean, we've been hyping
these for weeks, are you sure you want to take out--"
A single mouse click shot through Kasumi's mind like a
thunderbolt. She wavered slightly, as if faint -- Nabiki moved to
intercept, but Kasumi was just fine and dandy before her sister
could get there.
"Oneesama?" Nabiki asked. "You okay there?"
"...I'm fine," Kasumi said. "But you need to do something,
fast. It involves the tickets for tonight's show."
"Am I going to understand why?" Nabiki asked, in advance.
Her sister had been so baffling since she became god.
"No, not yet," the Lord replied, standing quickly. "But it's
important. Let's hurry."
*
*Ready for a little of the old... Ultraviolence?*
Fireworks rocked the UltraDome. Explosions of light and
color, pounding rock music driving from every speaker. The ring
ropes twitched from the compressed air, as the sound system played
to acoustic perfection.
"Folks, we are LIVE AND DIRECT from the Ultradome, and
this... IS... ULTRARAGE... BETA!!" Hiroshi shouted, posing. "I am
DAMN happy to be here, and--"
"Where is everybody?" Daisuke interrupted. Very alarmed.
Looking around...
At all the empty seats. Nobody was in the audience. Not a
single person. The music covered the loss of screams and cheers,
but the eyes had to be believed. The camera crews were on hand,
the tech guys were ready, millions were watching on cable
television, but nobody was HOME.
"Oro? It's empty?" Hiroshi asked, looking around.
"You DIDN'T NOTICE?"
"Well, I was excited," Hiroshi defended. "You know how I can
be when I'm excited."
"Are we even on?" Daisuke asked, standing on his desk to get
a better view of the scene. "Hello? Can I have some flunky with
a headset down here? I want to know what's going on."
"Hey, Daisuke, just chill. We're cool. I mean, we can do
the show without an audience--"
"There has to be a reason for this."
"Sheesh, you with reasons. Why does everything have to have
a reason? You really need to relax! It's just a sports
entertainment show, it's not the end of the world."
...a slow rumble started to shake the UltraDome. It wasn't
noticeable earlier over the blaring KMFDM, but now it could be
felt and heard. And it was getting louder.
Daisuke looked up. "Kasumi, if you heard my partner, I
swear, he wasn't trying to be ironic. Please don't smite us..."
The entire dome lurched. The massive, megaton steel
structure gave a jump and a halt, and Daisuke fell off his desk,
and through the Canadian Announcer's Table with a wooden crunch.
"...ow," he said, from the pile of splintered table. The
dome continued to shake, but now something else could be felt...
motion. Motion DOWNWARD.
Hiroshi grabbed his mike, held onto his desk for dear life,
and kept the show going. "Folks, something is very, very wrong!
The UltraDome feels like... can we get a live shot to outside?
Put it on the TitanTron!"
All that showed on the big screen was dirt. Dirt going up.
"We're being sucked into the ground!!" Hiroshi declared.
"This is really exciting! And more than a little bit scary!
Where will it end? WHERE WILL IT END?!"
*
It ended over a lake of fire.
The ceiling of the impossibly huge cavern shattered, leaving
a huge hole, a column straight up to the mortal plane. The
Ultradome dropped like a Kenny Loggins album, and crashed down
hard on a plateau surrounded by eternal fires of damnation, on the
shores of Dis.
The UltraDome had been relocated to the slopes of Hell.
The dim light of the sun, so far above, was all but gone.
Eerie organ music played. Damned souls cackled in glee, swarming
the building...
*
"My pants are officially wet," Hiroshi said quietly, watching
in awe at the Titan Tron, as a passing incubus flipped him the
bird and the entire raging mob pounded at the walls, the locked
doors...
"It's been a satisfying life," Daisuke mused, nursing a head
bump. "I can't say I died poor. I would have liked to try a
parfait like Ranma always enjoyed, no matter how girly, but I
guess ice cream isn't available where I am now... what are you
doing?"
"I'm praying to Kasumi!" Hiroshi hissed, on his knees,
rubbing his hands together and mumbling. "And if you have any
self preservation instincts, you will too--"
"There is no need," Kasumi said, with a gentle voice, as she
... started to exist behind the boys. "But I appreciate it. Be
not afraid. I knew this was coming. That's why I sent the
audience home."
"You KNEW the UltraDome was going to get dragged down to
Hell?" Daisuke asked. "Why didn't you stop it?"
"...I can't," Kasumi replied.
"NOPE, she definitely can't!"
All eyes (and cameras) (and eyes of the viewers at home,
sitting on the edge of their seats in anticipation) turned to the
top of the entrance ramp, the traditional point challenges are
issued from, and there was Sex and Violence.
Morrigan and Lillith, looking quite pleased to be here, were
flanking Controversial Jack, with Sofia and Cage on one side and
Jesse and James on the other. All of them were pretty giddy, but
Jack most of all.
Jack had changed into his best sharp red power tie. He had
donned the kind of sunglasses normally only seen on insane
skiiers. Mr. Duck was polished to a gleaming shine. All that, and
a zesty red sports coat casually slung over one shoulder. If he
had posed to look at his watch, there would be a photographer from
GQ there in a nano.
"You see," Jack said, passing the coat off to Morrigan, "You,
mien pals, are looking at the new CEO of Hell, Incorporated. I
bought this entire underworld off eBay(tm). Apparently, thanks to
Kasumi's nice-nice friends-friends attitude, signing a treaty to
cooperate with Hell back when she took her job, their wartime
economy got shot to ... well, here. All your fault, I might add
for the second time, Kasu-chan."
Kasumi said nothing. Simply staring right back at Jack.
"...so," he continued, "I bought them out. Lock stock and
barrel. I guess you could call me LORD BEZELBUB, PRINCE OF LIES,
DARK RULER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY AND WRONG WITH ALL THE POWERS OF
EVIL AT MY COMMAND but I prefer Controversial Jack, it's not quite
as stereotypical and makes me sound less like the Orochi. Any
questions?"
Hiroshi slowly raised his hand.
"You may speak now," Jack granted, with a dismissing gesture.
"...so are we damned?" Hiroshi asked.
"What a great idea!" Jack said. "It's in my power, and it's
a boffo warm-up act. New employee orientation, I need to get used
to this funky fresh career change. I can't start the apocalypse,
not without some ramp-up time, but I can have the flies eat you
two guys right now with a minumum of paperwork. Doesn't that
sound nice?"
Hiroshi was speechless. Daisuke was glad he paid his life
insurance. Not that it would help him much, but he did pay a
little extra for an 'eternal damnation' rider would provide for
his family. You could never be too careful in his line of work.
"No," Kasumi said.
"And I can't say I'm into 'eternal pain', it's too boring.
For you boys, I was thinking something along the lines of Lynn
Minmei concert marathons and licking Barney the Dinosaur's--"
"NO," Kasumi repeated.
"Excuse me, but I wasn't talking to you, missy."
"You are now," Kasumi said firmly. (Firmly for her, at
least.) "You have no real interest in Hiroshi and Daisuke.
You're after something else. What is it? I have a show to carry
on with, and you are rambling."
"Oh, so you're still going to do your little show? Good!
Great! Mr. Duck wanted to see some carnage. ULTRAVIOLENCE, baby!"
Jack hooted. "Welly well, I'll get right to business. I want to
make a bet with you, Kasumi, and since I know you'd sooner say the
F-word than take me up on it, if you back out Hiroshi and Daisuke
are mine. Collateral damages."
"Oh lord, here it comes," Daisuke groaned, taking Kasumi's
name in vain.
"It's simple, really, like most diabolical plans," Jack
explained, flashing a PowerPoint presentation up on the big screen
with colorful, animated slides. "You guys, represented by this
pie chart, have your little party as scheduled represented by this
bar graph, I'm down with that, homeslice. But your main event,
represented by this clip art of a garbage can, is going to be a
LITTLE different. We're going to kick it Controversial Style.
I'm talking Absolute Destiny Apocalypse. YOUR champion, whoever
you may choose, versus MINE. Winner takes all. You win, okay,
I'll give up Hell and my shagadelic new office. I'll even punch
the clock under your corporate banner. But if *I* win... you give
me your office. Your job. And you're MINE, Kasumi. You'll pour
my coffee and type my overly complicated tax forms forever!
Bwaahahahaha or something."
"The horror!" Hiroshi gasped. "No, Kasumi! Don't do it!
We're not worth it! It'll be twenty thousand years of darkness
under Jack's iron thumb! Let us be the sacrificial lambs for the
glory of--"
"Screw that, I'm worth it!" Daisuke blurted. "Take the bet!
Take it!"
Kasumi paused. Not thinking much about it, however. Her
mind was already made up, and had been from mere seconds after she
sensed this coming. But she wanted to make Jack wait. And Jack
did wait, tapping his foot, getting annoyed...
"I'll take the wager," Kasumi said.
"Aaaand your champeen?" Jack asked. "Hero up front, please.
It's more dramatic that way."
"Goku. Gotta be Son Goku," Daisuke said with confidence.
"Or maybe Ryu, he's still hanging around, or Washuu, or--"
"Dan Hibiki," Kasumi replied.
The planet Earth shook with the force of a billion
facefaults.
"....umm. Boss?" Hiroshi asked, in a very meek voice.
"Look, I'm a Dan Fan and all.. and he has improved a lot, you know
I'm the first to admit that, but... but.. JACK'S GONNA PICK SOME
HULKING BEAST WITH PHENOMINAL COSMIC POWERS, Kasumi! It'll never
work!!"
"Right you are!" Jack said. "Have your party, and we'll be
back for the regularly scheduled mayhem. Come, Sex and Violence,
we must go fetch our warrior of chaos, then get manicures and eat
expensive meals in the City of Dis to celebrate in advance like
the arrogant heels we are! Kasumi.. you'll find out who's going
to kick the stuffings out of Dan in EXACTLY a half hour. Can I
have a clock?"
A 30:00:00 clock appeared on the Titantron screen, and
started to tick down.
As the group filed out, he also tossed off, "By the way,
Cage, Sofia, if you two don't have a new gimmick by the end of the
show, you're going to be Puppy Chow for Cerebus."
The two jobbers of Sex and Violence stood rock still in
surprise. When they realized the group had speedily left them
behind, they hurried to catch up.
"...Kasumi, you realize you just damned the world, right?"
Daisuke asked. "I mean, no disrespect to your holiness, but that
was a really boneheaded move."
"I know what I have done," Kasumi said. "Please, don't be
afraid. Continue the show. We have to entertain the fans; they
come first. It's always for the fans."
"Speaking of which," Hiroshi said, "We're short a few
thousand in the stands--"
The doors flew open, unable to withstand the pressure
anymore. In a swirling maelstrom of evil, a thousand unholy
beasts flooded the arena... and all found seats.
Only moments later, there was an excited crowd of
abominations to virtue in the stands, eating popcorn, holding up
handmade signs and acting like any other Ultra audience would,
except they had more horns and tentacles.
Daisuke didn't stare. Somehow, after what he just went
through, it made some kind of twisted sense. He grabbed a stray
microphone, looked into a camera, and in his best poker face,
said, "We'll be right back."
*
[Commercial. Lightning crackles across a dead landscape.
Wind blows. Dramatic music. And then... a wooden chair
knocks the cameraman down.]
ANNOUNCER: Now for Dreamcast : SHIN FURNITURE WARRIORS! The
greatest German CAD furniture designers and top game programmers
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the multiverse's wildest tournament of fate and destiny!
[Various game footage shots; mostly people mauling each other
with chairs, sofas, tables, desks, and/or kitchen
appliances.]
ANNOUNCER: Fight with the original warriors: Ikea! Lumi! Yarslov!
Shelly! Mick! Fifi! Hugh! Or take on Questionable Tournament Mode
with the J.O.B. Squad of Otto Tickingclock, Harry the Handsome
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[The adorable little tamagotchi like Dreamcast VMU is shown
with an SD Lumi-chan going 'Wai!' in black and white
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ANNOUNCER: Play countless inane, time-consuming mini-games, and
never get a date again -- BUT you'll unlock the HIDDEN BOSS
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And the prodigy of Varied Tactical Furniture Style himself...
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ANNOUNCER: Only $59.95. Look for the Furniture Warriors
Improfanfic, fifteen plus episodes of creamy ass kicking chair
swinging goodness, at http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic !
*
Hiroshi shirked away from the crowd right behind him, or
rather, from their various tentacles and claws and things. He
looked white. Whiter than usual. Latex wall paint style white.
"Folks.. it looks like the show must go on," Daisuke said,
since his partner was too spooked for words. "Well, we've got a
lot of matches for you, including title defenses, and the upcoming
hardcore Finders Keepers event. And.. I guess it'll all go off as
planned, with the small difference that we're in the blackest
stygian abyss where hope is a mere cinder compared to the crushing
evil of eternal damnation. On the plus side, I've been informed
we're getting hazard pay."
"Oh, good.. I can buy a Dreamcast," Hiroshi said, the concept
of monetary gain and violent games snapping him out of his fear.
"That Furniture Warriors game looks good!"
"Coming up first, we've got the Gamma Championship match,"
Daisuke started, "Please welcome, from Nerima--"
Insane grinding heavy metal sounded. But that could mean the
introduction of roughly 80% of the Ultra roster. To make it more
clear, the person who rolled out and posed for the crowd was
wearing pink, which narrows the margin down considerably.
Touga took the mike, as Stone Cold Dan Hibiki strutted his
bad self on down, hooting and waving to the fans, and striking
manly poses. "The following contest is scheduled for one fall.
Making his way to the arena... Stone Cold--"
"DAN!" Dan Dan'ed, springing into the air, tuck and roll..
and flying taunt. "YAHOOOIE!!" He landed perfectly on his feet
for a change, and snatched the microphone away from Touga. "Once
again the master of self-taight Saikyo-style fighting has returned
to do glorious battle in Ultra! I will test my might (and prove
once again how mighty that might happens to be) against this Iori
Yagami!"
"He's dead," Daisuke decided. "Wait a minute. Wasn't Ranma
supposed to be fighting Iori tonight?"
"Let me check my notes. AH... last minute switch, looks
like," Hiroshi said, pointing it out. "Mandate from heaven.
Wonder why..."
"Now, I am aware of the upcoming challenge!" Dan said. "I am
honored to be the chosen warrior to defend Heaven's might, as is
very appropriate since I.. AM.. MIGHTY! Kasumi-sama, I will
triumph over your arch-nemesis! I am signed for this match
already, but I intend to carry through on both!"
"He is SO dead," Daisuke decided again.
"Don't be such a naysayer, Daisuke! Besides, if he loses
later tonight, we're all doomed," Hiroshi reminded. "I prefer
mindless, unrelenting optimism in this situation so my hope isn't
crushed from the weight of the impending disaster!"
"YAGAMI! Hear my challenge!" Dan shouted, taunting the
entrance ramp (despite no Yagami standing there.) "I will not
take your belt, not until I have proven myself in one triumphant
match as declared long ago. However, tonight, that match will be
against YOU! I intend to annihilate you like the powerful winds
of a tsunami once.. and then AGAIN, soon enough, for your belt!
Two glorious victories! And then, I shall be champion once more,
as is my destiny!"
Iori Yagami quietly stepped out of the crowd, rolled into the
ring, and walked up behind Dan. Slowly. Handing his Gamma
championship belt to Touga for safe keeping, cracking his
knuckles. Limbering up. The crowd started to shout things like
'Turn around', and 'Turn around,' and 'Turn around you idiot' but
Dan continued to taunt regardless.
"Yes, Iori! You will be flat, like a fine meal from the
International House of Pancakes! I've seen your matches, and
although you bleed magnificently, you lack SHOWMANSHIP! I, Dan,
will teach you how to ENTERTAIN your fans! I will
ghghahakghakhgagkhgakghakghkh..."
"You talk too much," Iori said simply, his hands crushing
Dan's thorax, before purple flame erupted around the Pink One's
body.
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #1 : GAMMA TITLE DEFENSE
][ DAN HIBIKI vs. IORI YAGAMI
][ FIGHT!!
"I can't look," Daisuke said, turning his eyes away from the
ring carnage.. just in time to see a young boy heading towards
them. With speed. Not running, just.. walking at a very
aggressive pace.
"Wow, Dan's actually holding in there," Hiroshi color-
commented, watching the action as Dan broke away from the hold and
did his famous Stop, Drop and Roll So You Don't Burn To Death
Taunting Action. "Maybe Iori's peeved that he has to fight Dan
and isn't bothering to make an effort, but I think Dan really has
the resiliency and spirit to do this, Daisuke. He--"
"Doesn't deserve this shot," the boy said, unfolding a metal
chair from the nearby rack, and sitting next to them.
"Oh, hey, Ranma," Hiroshi said. "You picked a good place to
sit! This is the best view in the house, what with all the bat
wings and giant eyes blocking view from the seats.."
"I don't believe this," Ranma said, grumbling. "*I* was
supposed to get a belt shot tonight. But no. Apparently, 'they'
switched it to Dan at the last minute. And he's not even
challenging FOR the belt! He's just showing off!"
Dan wobbled around, trying to get his balance off the crazed
gyroscope path it had been following. He steeled himself, as Iori
just... stood there. "Insolent!" Dan barked. "Now I make my
offense! DAN DAN KIIICK!"
"That's his ONLY move!" Ranma protested, as Dan landed the
first two kicks -- only to get taken out of the air by a spiraling
flame from Iori. "I tell you, Hiroshi, does this make any sense?
First Sakura takes the belt off me... okay, I can see that. She
was smart. But then it goes to HIM. And what am I doing, these
last months, when I should be getting another shot as the number
one contender? I'm fighting Kunou, and a bunch of other mid-
carders. And now THIS! I swear, next week, you'll probably see
me jobbing to Johnny Cage or something!"
Iori was getting bored. "Die," he suggested, before going
from full menacing loiter to a blurring rush -- latching onto Dan
like The Club, and starting to tear into him, blood flying
everywhere, Dan screaming like a cheerleader.
"What an impressive attack from Iori! He's Hardcore even
without weapons!" Hiroshi shouted.
"Now, THERE is a fighter," Ranma agreed. "Him I could face
in the ring and really go all out with. He's got adaptability,
strength, AND a desire to win..."
"Why not get your team to back you up with the brass upstairs
and protest?" Daisuke suggested.
"Team?" Ranma asked. "What team? Ryouga got lost. Tofuu's
too embarrassed to come back, from what I heard. Ukyou's got a
business to run. Don't even talk about Mousse and Shampoo, I'm
the sort of guy who likes to avoid someone who wants to marry you
and someone who wants to kill you because the other one wants to
marry you. And like I want to owe COLOGNE another favor... I'm
already in enough debt to her for the training she's giving me."
Dan fell into the corner, leaning heavily on the turnbuckle.
He was a mess, but he was still breathing, and chose to view this
as a positive thing. Slowly.. he pushed away, and got back to his
feet, stable.
"I.. won't.. LOSE!" Dan declared. "For my father, for
Kasumi's honor, tonight is my night to shine...... OYAJIII!!"
For lack of a better word, Dan floated towards Iori. It was
more of a screwball wobble, but it WAS done an inch off the
ground, his arms pinwheeling as if to keep him in the air like a
flapping bird. Confused at what he hopes to accomplish with this,
Iori simply assumed a defensive pose--
Dan exploded.
Fighting experts knew what it was. It was the Raging Demon,
the Satsu no Hadou. ...sort of. Instead of a white blast of
light, it was pink, and when it was all over, BOTH opponents were
blasted and dazed on the ground, Dan apparently getting the worst
of it -- but doing enough damage to Iori in the process to rival
Wolverine's cut-up job done in as many weeks.
"HOLY COW! Dan just pulled a can of whoop ass out of a hat
on a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!" Hiroshi shouted.
"Folks, if only Dan can get up, we may have a new champion!! Dan
Hibiki will be the Gamma Champion, the first two time belt holder!
Ranma, did you SEE... Ranma?"
The young Saotome calmly folded up the chair he was sitting
on, held it in a white knuckled grip, and approached the ring.
Dan had started to get up, crawling over to lay some final justice
onto Iori -- only to kiss the seat of Ranma's chair.
"WH-- HEY! Ranma just laid Dan out flat!" Hiroshi
redundantly stated. "Where's the referee?!"
"...I don't think we have one this match," Daisuke said. "I
mean, the only one we have available is Mario, and he's been in
the doghouse with the front office lately..."
Ranma tossed the chair aside, and climbed out of the ring.
Unhindered, Yagami came to and sat up.. before the final count
that sounded the bell, declaring the match over.
"Your winner, and still Gamma champion, Iori Yagami!" Touga
announced.
Yagami frowned. He wasn't stupid. And he didn't like this.
He glared at Ranma, who glared right back as he walked up the
ring.
"You," Iori said, pointing to the young boy. "You I will
have next week. And it will not be a match you can win simply by
beating someone unconscious."
"That's exactly what I want. You, not HIM. I'll be there
with bells on," Ranma declared, and marched backstage.
"Ranma just turned to the Dark Side?! Well, sort of. Wow,
this is really unexpected!" Hiroshi shouted.
"Frankly, I'm surprised Ranma didn't snap from the sheer
frustration over the futility of his existence years ago, what
with his life constantly plagued with enemies and unwanted love
interests and paranormal phenomenon that prevented him from having
any sort of normal upbringing or happy life when the only two
friends he had who didn't want him dead were jealous of his female
body and his fiancees," Daisuke recited.
"..." Hiroshi agreed.
"We'll be back right after this, folks."
*
Backstage, two very nervous people were watching the
complimentary monitors, as the cleanup crews peeled Dan off the
mat and took him backstage for some hearty doses of Phoenix Down.
"...he wasn't serious, was he?" Johnny Cage asked. "You
know, about pulverizing me next week. I mean. Not that I'd have
any problems facing him, since he's just some dumb kid, but--"
"Relax, Cage, Ranma has bigger fish to fry," Sofia scoffed.
"And we have bigger problems than that. We need a gimmick.
Something Jack-san will appreciate."
"Yeah, it'd be really stupid to invoke his wrath, what with
him becoming Satan, and soon to become God, and all."
The two sat in worried silence.
"...I have a very bad feeling about that whole 'God' thing,"
Sofia stated. "I respect Jack's ability to shake things up --
lord knows this pathetic federation needs it. Any crowd that
thinks that schoolgirl brat is sexier than ME... but this
spectacle television show is one thing, and the world is entirely
different..."
"I know, I know. I mean, I was thinking, for instance,
like... if Jack's god, then will he make Hollywood crank out
pornos? My career would be ruined!"
"Porno..." Sofia said, licking her lips, lost a moment. Then
focused on the present. "Why, afraid your prowess at that
pathetic looking uppercut and green flame attack won't help you in
bed?"
"No! I mean, of course.. I mean, let's leave my manhood out
of this! I'm just saying that life with Jack up there might not
be fun for ANYBODY. I mean, we'll be in positions of power, so it
won't be too bad, if we can make up a new gimmick he likes, but...
you know. Like. You know."
"Your grasp of the language is stunning as usual. FOCUS,
Cage! What do we do best? Capitalize on strengths, and decide
our new image in Sex and Violence through talent! For instance, I
myself am skilled with a whip, and enjoy the taste of leather on
my lithe, toned body, and delight in the screams of a man broken.
I'd make a GREAT dominatrix gimmick fighter!"
"...you already are a dominatrix gimmick fighter."
Sofia's face fell. "Oh. Right. Slipped my mind. Whip,
leather suit, right, got those. ...although..."
"Although?"
She grinned at him. Quite evilly. "I'm missing ONE
thing..."
*
Far away from that soon to be scary scene, two people were
very quiet. One because she was busy researching science, the
other because she was busy researching tequila.
Washuu sat slumped over her desk, holding the bottle in one
hand, and a copy of Ifurita's readouts in the other. Squinting a
bit, to try to see them through the haze. It was called
multitasking; in this case, threading one process of trying to
find a way to break Bison's control once and for all, and
threading a great deal of self loathing for her forced retirement
from Ultra directly from a bottle. True, it wasn't the most
efficient methodology, but it was satisfactory for her.
Gally was just on one thread; checking the Internet for
sources about Psycho Power. She hadn't made much progress.
Despite being the most sophisticated android science had ever
patched together, she didn't know very much about this technology.
This was Washuu's area. Washuu did the work, made the decisions,
and Gally just helped however she could...
The young girl rubbed her temples, and looked over at Washuu.
She SHOULD be helping however she could.
"Washuu, this isn't getting us anywhere," she said.
"No," Washuu agreed, waving the bottle. "But it's a fine
nowhere to be getting to, when there's really nowhere to go. It's
a, you know, thing. Pointless thing. You see."
"Why don't we just go with my plan?" Gally asked. "We KNOW
where the Shadowloo base is. I'll raid it. I'm fast enough. I
can get Ifurita out of there before they can--"
"She'sh fightin' today," Washuu said. "Nada."
"You didn't tell me she had a fight at the show."
"Didn't see why it was sig.. shig... important. It's
useless. We needa Psycho Power expert; s' too closely guarded a
practice, don't got any data on it. But only experts I know, Sie
and Athena... they're gone. An' even if we got to Bison's control
room, to bust the link, we wouldn' know how to bust it. Nobody
does. I'm suspended from Ultra. It's over. I'm going to sleep
this off. Excuse me." And her head bobbed down with a quiet
thunk.
Gally frowned. She looked back at her computer, and moved
for the off switch. Nothing could get done with Washuu all mopey
like this...
Her hand stayed before hitting that switch.
WHY couldn't anything get done? She sat back, thinking.
Okay, so.. she hadn't taken much of an active role in this. She
was still getting used to this place, to what she was supposed to
be doing.. still looking for some good fights to train with. But
she could put a plan together. She HAD to be resourceful in Scrap
Iron City, decisive, a doer. Why turn into.. a lackey when
getting here?
Besides, usually geniuses overlook obvious things that
ordinary folks like her didn't. (Not that Gally was ordinary by
any stretch of the imagination, but in comparison to Washuu, the
artist formerly known as Prince would look normal.)
Gally logged off the Internet. She didn't believe in it,
anyway. Jumping nine feet in the air to reach the top of Washuu's
massive refrigerator, she grabbed a phone book, and on some gut
impulse turned to P. Her other hand went for the phone. If she
WAS going to execute some plan of her own design, it had to be
soon. Specifically... when Ifurita was out fighting.
*
The clock continued to tick on screen. The camera got a good
shot of it, to heighten the drama, while Hiroshi ranted.
"Jack's ultimatum may be just around the corner, but it's
also time for the Omega title defense, folks, and it's a surprise
indeed!" Hiroshi said. "Shin Akuma, the current title holder,
issued an open challenge to Ifurita. Although the two have no
real grudges, he does want some words with her master, M. Bison!"
"What's the M stand for?" Daisuke wondered, as do many, this
being one of the many questions that hover through the universe
leading those who ask them to contemplate the nature of reality
itself and their roles in it.
"We go LIVE to--"
"Hold on," Daisuke said, holding his ear in a way that's
instantly recognizable by any member of the Secret Service. "I'm
getting word from the booth that something else is going on."
"Something else?!" Hiroshi babbled, his gears shifting from
first to third while pulling a hard ninety down the freeway.
"What? What? Tell me! The suspense is KILLING me, man!"
"...I hope for your sakes that's not the case, because
according to this, NERV is about to get very busy. An angel has
been spotted over Tokyo-3."
"OH MY GODDESS! I mean, Aa! Kasumi-sama!"
"Being the responsible television broadcasters we are,"
Daisuke said, "We will of course be bringing you this bloody
conflict that has the potential to end the world as part of
tonight's festivities. Cross your fingers, people."
*
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #2 : ANGEL ATTACK
][ EVA-01 vs. ???
][ FIGHT!!
NERV central was not a picture of calm and rational thinking.
They'd gotten a bit soft lately, what with the angels not
constantly pounding on the city. Slacked off. Taken to having
touch football games in the control room. Pizza had been ordered
and the delivery boys let into high security areas. Misato had
even arranged a Playboy photo shoot while draping herself across
EVA-01.
But all the fun and games were over. The alarm had
triggered. An entity with blood type blue had shown over Tokyo-3.
Gendo sat, as is his wont, behind his desk, hands neatly
folded in front of his face to save NERV's dwindling budget.
Waste not, want not.
"Do we have visual?" he asked.
"Negative!" a flunky shouted. "It's just a ball of white
light completely encased in an AT-Field! It's hovering directly
over the city block above Terminal Dogma!"
"I don't understand. I thought the war was over," Fyutsuki
asked. "Why would Kasumi be sending an angel now? Does she want
to start Third Impact after all? The Dead Sea Scrolls hadn't
mentioned any of this."
"The fate of mankind rests in our hands. The destiny of the
Human Complementation Project. As well as our budget, fame, and
merchandising opportunities from the high ratings and pay per view
buyrates," Gendo rationalized. "Sortie Unit-01 and Unit-02."
"No good. Asuka's still injured from what Sephiroth did!"
Misato called over. "We could send Rei..."
"She's busy making a public appearance in a bikini at the
opening of a car wash in Hokkaido," Gendo admitted. "Our
shoestring budget is going to snap soon at this rate... but for
now, sortie Unit-01. Shinji will have to be enough. We cannot
allow the angel to start Third Impact."
*
Shinji gripped the controls of his Eva tightly. Trying hard
to get that 'fighter's Zen state of honorable control' he'd seen
so many times at Ultra.
It wasn't happening. He didn't want to be here, he didn't
want to be back in an Eva. Only last week he was watching Grave
of the Fireflies, which sunk him back to his usual levels of
despair and self-loathing, and now he was going to have to save
the world again, which wasn't any big improvement--
His head banged against the side of the plug when his Eva
went around that 45' bend in the shaft. Ugh. Why couldn't they
just have made them go straight up? But only seconds later, he
was street level, and into action. At least his sync rate was
back, wobbling around the 70% level. Enough to get rid of the
angel, so he could go back to bemoaning his fate and trying not to
run away...
(Yeah, Shinji was back to normal.)
The angel was not very large, nor very monstrous. A ten foot
in diameter ball of light. (Or just over three meters for most of
the civilized world.) It hovered, rock still. Waiting.
Not willing to give it a chance to grow tentacles or lash out
with energy ribbons or mutate into a fifty story tall cube, Shinji
whipped out the progressive knife, and slowly charged. The blade
hit the AT-Field--
And stopped dead. Not even grating at the surface or testing
the red pulsing octagon.
The light around the angel faded... revealing a human form.
A form with brilliantly glowing white angelic wings, but otherwise
perfectly human, in a second-hand store pink dress, and with
shining eyes...
*
Bean whistled while he worked, adding a few more sheets of
lead to the lining of his boots, before lacing them up with barbed
wire. He hadn't had many opportunities to really brawl to his
heart's content here, and intended to do so tonight.
Fortunately, his partner was in a good mood. He'd been
driving her all over Tokyo -- she'd insisted on buying a whole new
wardrobe and new music and other new things... something about
starting her life over. Tifa Lockheart was a happy camper at
last, after her depressive swing from her trip home.
Idly, Bean watched the monitor, to see what was going on with
Ultra. Cocked his head. "Hey, Tifa, there's some girl floating
in the sky being fighting EVA-01. Check it out."
Tifa, who was busy trying to change her hairstyle with a
little gel and a comb, leaned out of the dressing room. "Huh?"
she asked, and took a good look...
And went dead silent.
*
The angel stayed put. Dumbfounded, Shinji held the knife in
place, not really trying to push it through the field.
'There is no need for violence, Ikari Shinji,' the young
angel said, her voice resonating with absolute perfection into the
ears of the Eva pilots, into the minds of those at NERV. 'I have
come on a mercy mission from heaven. I do not wish to hurt any of
you. Please, hear me out.'
"...what? You speak our language?" Shinji asked, speaking
his first complete sentence of the day. He stepped back, giving
the angel room... puzzled. Usually the angels would be whipping
out energy ribbons or drilling through the street or chewing on
his head by now. Except that one other time...
'The war is over,' the angel continued. 'The administration
has changed, as you know. The original purpose of the system
sephirotha is no longer... appropriate. I've come to take Lilith
home, the angel you have taken prisoner. You have no further need
of her, and can go in peace once she is returned. This is
Kasumi's decree, as given by myself, her angel of healing and
solace, Aerith Gainsborough.'
*
Somewhere in the UltraDome, Sephiroth raised a single
eyebrow.
"So," he mused to himself. "She has become like me in her
death, has she? Relatively interesting."
He turned off the television, no longer interested, and
resumed his exercising. If any young women were around to watch
his oiled chest flex as he made practice katana draws, they'd
probably swoon.
*
NERV central control was silent. Silent in shock.
Gendo's knuckles tightened inside his mickey mouse gloves.
"...sir?" Misato asked. "I think she's expecting a response,
sir..."
Shinji cut in on the comm channel. "*Uh, guys? What's the
game plan here? Does this mean it's over? It's finally over? I
don't have to pilot Eva anymore, or--*"
"Kill her," Gendo said, quietly.
Misato paled. "S-Sir?"
"Destroy the angel. Sortie," Gendo repeated. "None of them
will have Lilith. The Human Complementation Project must proceed
as planned. There is no other path for humanity's salvation."
"Sir, this is God's own orders, I really think--"
Gendo ignored her, activating his desk comm panel. "Shinji,
eliminate the angel. Use whatever means necessary. Self destruct
if you must."
He ignored the start of protests, flicking the channel
closed.
*
The Eva instinctively raised the knife arm, to stab down --
Shinji concentrated, to force it to stop. This had to be a
mistake. Dad wanted him to...?
Aerith made no expression in response to the transmission,
except a faint look of sorrow. 'There is no choice in the matter,
Ikari Gendo. I am authorized to start Third Impact if you do not
cooperate in releasing your prisoner. But I'd rather not...'
Third Impact. Shinji lashed out, from gut reaction fear of
that, and punched Aerith out of the sky. He quickly grabbed
control of the Eva again, shocked at what had happened, watching
Aerith spiral out of control...
The angel seemed to slam down to earth... but then curved,
before hitting the surface, and stood her ground on street level.
A simple metal striking staff was produced from thin air, rather
than some sort of holy sword of fire.
'I must complete my task. My apologies,' she said. And then
burrowed directly through the ground, at high speed.
"*She's getting away... Shinji, go after her!*" Misato called
out.
Shinji's Eva was motionless.
"*Don't just stand there, get to Terminal Dogma before she
does! We're in trouble here, Shinji!*"
"But--"
"*GO!*"
An angel. Just think of her.. it as an angel. Third Impact.
He was supposed to save the world. It was the same tune he'd
heard before, he could go through the motions if he ignored
everything else. That would be easy.
Shinji considered the problem.. the tiny hole in the ground.
Massive purple EVA arms tore the street apart, and dug his way
straight down to what was not China, in hot pursuit of the angel.
*
In a quiet, air conditioned office, Kasumi sat in her
comfortable chair, watching the action on a tiny monitor. She
remained very silent, very still. Her sister, however, was biting
at the nails and hoping that her recently purchased mutual funds
wouldn't prove to be a moot point in face of the apocalypse.
"...sis..." Nabiki started. "I thought we agreed to let them
keep the Evas and everything. That they'd be more useful on the
show than in some dangerous angelic war..."
"That's true," Kasumi stated.
"Then WHY did you send.. who is that, anyway? I don't
recognize her."
"A new recruit for heaven. Her life had ended quite early,
albeit necessarily. She wanted to continue to help people, and I
offered her a new existence so she could do just that."
"Ah. Well... I suppose it's not coming out of my taxes, at
least. But why are you DOING this? Now, of all times, when we've
got Jack's little challenge to worry about? ...you're not doing it
so you can handle loose ends before... losing your office, right?"
Kasumi considered the question seriously, before giving the
only honest reply she could.
"Sore wa, himitsu desu," she said.
Nabiki smacked her forehead in frustration.
*
Terminal Dogma. Dali probably designed this place in a tag
team with Escher. If the surreal landscape doesn't get you
creeped out, Lilith, the seven-eyed angel on the cross that
vaguely resembled the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man would.
Somewhere above, rumbles could be heard, as Shinji had a
running battle with the invading angel, but Shinji barely heard
the noise around him, as he effortlessly moved Eva into combat
patterns and digging techniques. He just heard his father's
words. Destroy the angel. Destroy the angel.
There was a time, with Kaoru, when he was told, destroy the
angel...
And he did. Because he didn't want to run away. Because
Kaoru was an angel and angels were bad, and he was told to, and he
always did what his daddy told him.
The ceiling collapsed, Shinji dropping ten stories to kick up
a small tidal wave of LCL, and he barely noticed.
But when a small glowing flicker snapped across his vision,
his instincts and the Eva's instincts synced, and he snatched it
out of the air.
"*Good work, Shinji!*" Misato proclaimed, "*You got her!*"
Her?
Shinji blinked a few times, just catching up to current
events. Aerith had been neatly snagged by the giant hand of EVA-
01. Locked solid into its AT-Field, held for a critical moment.
Aerith's eyes looked into his, just as Kaoru's did...
EVA-01 didn't flinch, didn't move.
"*What're you waiting for?!*" Misato called, getting
progressively nervous, given Shinji's predilection for having
nervous breakdowns at just the wrong times.
EVA-01 made no motion of squashing the angel. Shinji didn't
touch the controls, made no motions. His Eva had acted out of
sync too many times today; this was the only way to keep it in
control. Tension locked his muscles, forcing them to inactivity,
to rigidity. Some small part of him, distant from common sense,
said that if he just stayed like this forever, nobody would have
to get hurt, everything would be fine as long as--
"*Shinji*," Gendo's voice sounded.
--he didn't hear THAT VOICE...
"*Shinji, destroy the angel. Your instructions are clear.
Get on with it.*"
"..." Shinji replied, his will weakening.
If Gendo had said anything sympathetic, anything
understanding, made ANY attempt to comfort his son in a parental
sort of way, the following wouldn't have happened. Unfortunately,
his next words to Shinji were
"*Don't shame me, boy. Do what you are told.*"
Snap.
Shinji's fist tightened; but not over the controls.
"...no," he said.
"*No??*"
"No!" Shinji said, some psychological brick wall he usually
bonked his head against giving way from repeated stress fractutes.
"No. I don't WANT to do what you tell me. I feel miserable. I
won't murder another person, like I did to Kaoru! I don't have to
do what you say. Ever since you stuck me in this television show,
I've been ... talking to people, and making friends, and I even
got to see Kaoru again, and I was controversial for awhile and it
felt GOOD -- you even talked to me like I was your son then! I
don't care if it was the wrong way for me to be, at least it
SHOWED me what COULD be, that I could be something else, and.. and
no! Forget it! There's more to life than piloting Eva and saving
humanity! Kasumi's shown me that!"
A long pause.
"*Shinji, I'm going to activate the dummy plug in your suit,
and we'll discuss this later. Clearly you aren't thinking about
your actions--*"
EVA-01 made a motion, at last. Shinji's sync rate flared to
99.9%, a new high, as the hand holding the angel pulled in close,
to protect her; and equally, while the unit raised its other arm,
twisted its hand around, and extended one middle finger.
"CRAM IT WITH WALNUTS, Dad! I'm still Shinji Ikari, but I'm
not doing your dirty work anymore!"
The Dummy Plug circuit tried to cut in; tried. Shinji pushed
at it. Pushed HARD, merging so far into his Eva, with his rage,
with his revelation, to BECOME the Eva, see through its eyes... to
act, to push out the control.
An AT-Field so strong that quantum particles had to turn
around and go home spread in front of him, blocking out the
protesting voices. The sync rate hit 100% just before all
readings went to /dev/null.
*
"It's no use!" Misato shouted. "EVA-01's blood type just
went full blue! It's switched sides!"
"... I have wet my pants," Gendo quietly declared.
The AT-Field exploded sideways, dissolving as...
It showed an empty cross. EVA-01, Aerith, Lilith, gone. No
Third Impact, no nothing. Rather anticlimactic, although given
that the climax would have melted all life on earth into a puddle
of red goo, this was not a bad thing.
"..." Misato said, trying to get her heart to resume beating.
When it did, the adrenaline backwash wore off, and exhausted
relief set in. "Ah... well. I guess they left... presumably back
to heaven. ...Shinji went with them..."
Gendo sat back at his desk. Frowning. Various NERV
employees were exchanging high fives and generally congratulating
each other on not dying in a cataclysmic end of the world. It was
a time to celebrate. There was no more reason for the angels to
attack. They could all go get much higher paying, less
apocalyptic jobs. The NERV project was genuinely, officially
over.
The thought of it made the man sick.
"...it's not over," Gendo said, quietly.
Fyutsuki hid his noise maker and paper hat. "Ah, pardon?"
"We're going to get Lilith back," Gendo said. "Or we'll
clone her, somehow. The Human Complementation Project must
continue."
"Ah.. Gendo, with all due respect--"
"This was the only path to salvation. The only way back for
me to Yui. It was all laid out in the scrolls," he continued.
"Don't you see? Kasumi doesn't want humanity to evolve. To
progress. So she took away the only tool we had as a 'peace
gesture'. She fooled my son. We will fight. Even if it means
declaring war on heaven itself. I WILL be at the center of Third
Impact. I don't care what God thinks."
*
Of course, there WAS this sports entertainment show going on
during all this... and they got all of it on camera, except for
that pesky little bit at the end which would have warned them of
important things. Since they didn't, the audience was gleefully
cheering and stomping their feet and tentacles and other things.
(Demons may be evil, but they didn't want to melt into a lake
of LCL any more than humans did. Of course, an ANGEL won, and
that wasn't cool, but it could be ignored for now.)
"...GREAT GRAVY! I can't believe what we just saw, folks!"
Hiroshi babbled. "Shinji turning his back on NERV! Lilith
rescued! And not the lolicon succubi, either! Only on Ultra can
you see this kind of intense action, folks!"
"I think NERV's not going to be happy at heaven," Daisuke
said. "And you know, we're technically heaven's employees, so..."
"So?"
"You'd better try not to die anymore, Hiroshi. I think the
era of free backup copies is over."
Hiroshi paled. More than usual, at least.
"Coming up after the break, we'll have the long delayed Omega
match," Daisuke said. "Stay tuned."
*
Meanwhile, somewhere, a clown cried. But that's not
important right now.
What is important is the arrival of three angels in heaven.
EVA-01, Lilith, and Aerith, all touching down on cloud nine, just
outside the bowling alley.
Lilith wasn't the verbal type. She simply gave a nod and
seven blinks in thanks, and vanished, off to wherever angels went
to relax after a few years of imprisonment. Possibly to bowl.
Aerith remained behind... offering Shinji a hand.
"You can come out now," she said. "You did well."
And Shinji found himself standing there, calmer now, the
aggression that was grasping his brain easing off. "...this..
this is heaven, isn't it?"
"Yes, this is. I suppose you'll have to take sanctuary here,
after your split with your father. But that's okay. Perhaps you
can help us. I couldn't introduce myself very well; I'm a new
recruit too, like you..."
"...I'm working for Kasumi now?" Shinji asked. "How so?"
"Well... you ARE still entered in Ultra, unlike me, and you
have your Eva synchronized with your being, and you have combat
training, so..."
Shinji swallowed. Hard. "...so I have to pilot Eva and save
the world?"
"Basically."
"...nuts." Shinji's heart sank. Still, it had to be better
than what NERV wanted of him.. it had to. One question remained.
"...where is my Eva unit? It sort of vanished when you took my
hand..."
"Well. When you synchronized..."
"Hai?"
"You REALLY synchronized."
"..."
*
In remote Thailand, the world's most obvious evil
headquarters and secret city hidden in a very large Buddha statue
that stuck out like a sore thumb was remarkably quiet. Even when
the dimensional portal opened just beyond some bushes, it made no
sound, neither did the two figures who stepped through.
Well, no. Gally's companion had high heels that tended to
click unerringly on any hard surface. But hopefully that wouldn't
be a problem.
It didn't take much time to convince her companion to come
along for the ride. All Gally had to mention was someone abusing
Psycho Power, then Bison's name, and everything else was
irrelevant. Which is good; she had no idea how long the Omega
fight with Ifurita would distract Bison from this base, and
although infiltrating would be easy enough for her, she had no
clue how long disabling the master control unit would take.
"Not long," the woman behind her said.
Gally turned in surprise.
"Sorry, bad habit. I'll refrain from doing that. We should
make haste now. Do not worry, I know the way."
With a flip of her long shawl, the talented psychic and
Psycho Power master walked ahead of Gally, approaching the heavily
guarded gates of Shadowloo.
"...h-hey, wait, I'm in charge of this mission!" Gally
protested, and scampered after Rose.
On the other side of the island, a series of explosions
rocked the earth. Gally sweatdropped. Maybe they had started
already?
*
"And we're back!" Hiroshi declared. "Now, it's time for the
OMEGA TITLE DEFENSE! Coming from Thailand, it's Shin Akuma versus
Ifurita! I understand Akuma's getting.. ah.. rather impatient
with the delay and has already destroyed several floating cameras
in frustration and is now in a running argument/firefight with Son
Gokuu--"
Loud techno music kicked up.
"What now?" Daisuke asked, dryswallowing asprin.
"Looks like we're getting interrupted again... it looks
like... like... YES! It's Spirit of Shotokan!"
Ryu and Ken, the frontmen of the group, made their way down
the ramp -- Ken with a Shirt Eating Grin(tm), Ryu his usual cool,
calm self. Ken swiped a mike off some tech flunky, while the
other shotokan disciples who usually only pop up in cameos filed
into the ring to show off the impressive numbers of fighters with
similar styles. But it was clearly Ken's show, as he did the
talking, with Ryu nodding wisely along the way.
"Okay, people, I've got a copy of tonight's fight card here,"
Ken said, waving a clipboard. "Apparently, once.. Akuma does his
thing, we're up against the Orochi and some of his lackeys. But
seeing how Dan is busy (and still recovering in Medical), and
Sakura is the Orochi's clutches, well... it'd just be completely
unfair! I'd be going up against them solo. I mean, I would stomp
them into the ground with ease, clearly!"
Being an audience of demons, they boo'ed the idea. Ken
laughed it off, and resumed.
"So, Ryu and I.. well, we made a decision. Just to ensure
that this is a fair match all around, with a fair referee rather
than a blind one, and a fair balance of power... we're going to
give up our slot in the three-on-three brawl to... UNLIMITED
DESIRE. Orochi, I hope your unlife insurance is paid up, because
Lina Inverse is gonna cripple your ass if you don't give up Sakura
after this fight!"
"Holy cow!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Orochi, his goons, Lina,
Naga, and Darshu.. all in THAT ring?! ...um. You're certain
about this no-more-clones-for-me thing, right, Daisuke?..."
Ken twirled the microphone once, then held it out for Ryu.
Ryu blinked a few times, unaccustomed to public speaking, but
accepted it, for a simple statement. "To ensure fairness, I will
be the special guest referee for this match. I will not allow
outside interference, and any teams breaking the rules will be
immediately disqualified. As for Sakura--"
The speech was interrupted, by a loud ticking sound. Hiroshi
immediately screamed "BOMB!" and dove for cover; Daisuke turned
his attention to the screen.
00:00:15.
"...it seems we're about to get distracted," Daisuke said.
"Jack must have found his champion for the Absolute Destiny
Apocalypse in time. Or hopefully he didn't, and Dan will win by
default--"
At 00:00:00 the lights went out. Ken and Ryu exchanged
confused glances right before everything went black... dramatic
tension swelling in the sound track, while Morrigan fondled the
sound guy into helping them out.
Lillith must have been doing SOMETHING to the special effects
guy, because then fireworks shot up from the stage, the lights
flared on, some heavy beat Kid Rock music kicked in, and on the
screen, the clock was replaced by :
M A R L O
...and there, at the top of the entrance ramp, stood the
least assuming kid Daisuke had ever seen. Maybe sixteen, maybe
seventeen, with a loosely open camouflage jacket, black Sex and
Violence t-shirt, and jeans. And six hundred dollar sunglasses.
The boy raised a microphone, complete with a metal stand with
a long, colorful bandana lifted from Steven Tyler's closet tied to
it.
"Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to.. ULTRA RAGE MARLO!" the
boy pronounced, before turning around to face the crowd, grinning
madly. "Kept down by lesser fighters so long, kicked around by
those idiot Furniture Warriors, but now, thanks to your favorite
deity and mine, Controversial Jack, the master of Varied Tactical
Furniture Style fighting, Marlo Semaj, has ARRIVED!"
The crowd ate it up like candy. Of course, the crowd was
thick with the polluted taint of sin on the skin of reality, so
they'd dig anybody aligned with Jack. In the ring, Ryu didn't
look alarmed, because he rarely looked alarmed; but Ken wasn't
digging this very much, and making it clear with a squint of his
bushy black eyebrows.
Hiroshi peeked out from under the table and boggled so hard
that you could probably write down thirty words before the timer
ran out of sand. "Holy crap! That's.. the ultra-hidden-mega-
powerful boss character from Furniture Warriors for Dreamcast!!
How did Jack get some weird video game character into the real
world?"
"Didn't Ikea and Lumi make a guest appearance on this show
before?" Daisuke wondered.
"...well, yeah, but they're real people, like you and me.
Right? They're real, right? Right? Why are you looking at me
like that, Daisuke?"
"It SEEMS," Marlo continued, casting a rude glare to the
announcer's table, "That you guys have a little problem. What
started as a weekly spectacle of pointless violence and scantily
clad demon chicks has spiraled into a decrepit, dare I say, BORING
display of so-called sports entertainment! Instead of putting
people in that ring that you can CHEER for, that can beat nine
kinds of unholy hell out of an opponent, they spoonfeed you wimp
after wimp, each 'nicer' than the last! I sympathize with your
pain! I've had to put up with that kind of crap in all the
tournaments I've tried to enter. 'Oh, Marlo, you fight dirty!'
'Oh, Marlo, you can't use those weapons!' 'Oh, Marlo, you must be
this tall to ride this ride!' But I persevered, and now, your
savior has arrived! I'm here to save Ultra from Kasumi Tendo, the
true cancer of this show!"
Demons clapped whatever appendages they had available. Marlo
soaked it in, striking a pained pose from the pressure of all that
adoration.
"What a putz," Ken scoffed.
"And PART of that cancer is in the ring right now!" Marlo
declared, pointing with a hat rack he wasn't previously carrying.
"A bunch of candy-colored shotoCLONE weenies! Is THAT your
paragon of virtue, your knights in shining mediocrity? Folks so
one dimensionally boring that they have to copy each other's moves
to get anywhere? You could cut the head off one and plug it onto
the other's body and get the same thing!"
"Hey, watch your mouth, buddy!" Ken shouted -- blocked only
by Ryu's arm from rushing out to the stage.
"Oh, don't YOU worry, 'buddy,'" the cocky little bastard
retorted, grinning madly behind his mirrorshades. "Tonight, you
see, I AM the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse, and I WILL be squashing
that insect you call 'Dan' -- the ultimate cheeseball shotoclone!
Then all you twinks are gonna be bowing to Controversial Jack, Mr.
Ken Barbiedoll! So go make your hair stylist appointment and
leave the fighting to the REAL asswhompers, if YA SMELL WHAT MARLO
IS COOKIN'!"
Ken wrenched free from Ryu's grasp. "That's it. Time to
teach this KID some manners." He jumped over the ring ropes, and
dashed up the ramp, charging flames into his fist, for one triple
chained uppercut finish--
"KEN!" Ryu shouted, but it was too late.
Sure, the combo snapped off beautifully. But all it did was
clank loudly against the refrigerator Marlo had pulled from
FurnitureSpace and used as a shield, leaving Ken wide open on his
slow descent...
It's hard to see what happened next, but if you play in slow
motion, it goes like this.
Marlo jumps up, and despite being a scrawny little kid, is
able to put the fridge away wherever it came from, smack Ken in
the legs with an oven range, and while he's spinning strike him
from all directions with small endtables, chairs, spice racks,
coffee tables and so on until Marlo snarled him up in some
bedsheets before slamming him over the head with the entire four
poster bed, which goes down with him onto the wooden table Marlo
had dropped there previously. Ken goes through the table, gets
covered by the bed, and Marlo tosses the kitchen sink on top of
the whole pile for good measure.
The Spirit of Shotokan stood in shock, as Marlo chuckled, and
pointed at Ryu. "You go scrape Dan the Man out of the Medical
Ward for me. Then you tell him he'd better get his will ready,
because I'll be back LATER for his rooty poo candy ass!"
"...the newcomer just DISASSEMBLED Ken! Oh, the horror, the
horror!" Hiroshi wailed, as Marlo skipped gleefully backstage, Ryu
and the gang immediately checking on Ken's life status. "This is
the guy Jack's picked to go after Dan?! We're doomed! WE'RE
DOOMED! AAH! AAAAAAH!!--"
"No heart attacks, Hiroshi, we don't have a spare body."
"---aahh. Okay. Okay. We are calm, we are calm... we're in
our happy place... we are... going RIGHT to the Omega Challenge!
Live and without further ado, we go to....."
On the video monitors, Akuma's burnt and battered body
rocketed down from the sky and embedded itself five feet into the
rocky terrain.
*
Akuma coughed.
Son Gokuu returned to earth, touching down lightly, and
powering down. Smiling. "Boy, you're pretty good. I got a great
workout there. Thanks!"
"..." Akuma said from the Akuma shaped hole in the ground.
The second the floating camera bots flicked the 'ON AIR'
sign, Bison arrived, with Ifurita, both teleporting into existence
nearby before floating down to the ground. Ifurita stood as still
as the waters of an untouched lake, awaiting command from her
master.
"It's about time," M. Bison said. "I was getting very bored
watching your miserable show. Let's get on with this, I have more
experiments and tests to run on Athena."
Akuma peeled himself out of the hole.. flexing his muscles,
trying to get his strength back up. The strange yellow haired
warrior was truly powerful -- for a change, Akuma had enjoyed the
fight, as he found someone worthy of his skill. But he was not a
*stupid* evil martial artist, and knew when he was too drained to
be a suitable challenge himself...
"Oh, he's beaten up already? This should be exceptionally
easy," Bison joked. "Ifurita, my pretty pet, destroy--"
"No," Gokuu said. "He's not ready to fight yet. One
second."
Akuma focused, as Gokuu offered him a small pellet of some
kind. He could sense what it was without knowledge of what it was
called, and swallowed immediately...
Strength flowed back into Akuma like Hoover Dam without the
dam in place.
"Senzu. Works every time. Now, for the Omega Belt, FIGHT!"
Gokuu said.
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #3 : OMEGA TITLE DEFENSE
][ SHIN-AKUMA vs---
"No," Akuma said, assuming an attack stance... but not facing
Ifurita. "I do not want her. I want... HIM."
Bison just laughed. "I'm not in your silly tournament,
Akuma. You can't challenge me, because I can't take that
ridiculous belt around your waist. You'll have to content
yourself with my doll--"
"I'll make it a non-title, unsanctioned grudge match, with
the referee's permission," Akuma said quickly.
"I'll allow it," Gokuu decided. "FIGHT!"
"What?" Bison asked, before Akuma punched him directly in the
eye.
*
The white-parka-clad wearing machine gun clone guard walked
his endless, rectangular pattern around Secret Lab #325 in
Shadowloo headquarters. He hadn't seen anything unusual. Nothing
unusual in sight. Nothing--
"Aagagaggagagagagagagagagag," the guard warbled, before Gally
snapped his neck.
"That is very bad karma, you know," Rose stated, clicking her
heels along behind the girl, who had done the majority of the
fighting.
"They're just faceless minions, so it's okay," Gally said,
dusting off her hands. "It's this way, you say?"
"Yes. I can sense the Psycho Drive nearby," Rose said.
"That abomination. I have let my student run wild too long."
"...your what?" Gally asked. But her eyes glanced nervously
left to right. "Um, we'll discuss later. We've really got to
hurry."
The door to the lab was a six foot thick slab of pure
titanium, reinforced with depleted uranium. The combination lock
was triple encrypted with four thousand tiny press buttons in a
sixty four digit combination, with the hinges made of a living
metal that would remain a single, unmoving piece until a modulated
electrical signal from the lock twitched through them at exactly
265.94 hertz.
Gally squinted at the buttons, which had resembled some
crazed Wingdings font. Ido would know how to open this. Or
Washuu. Or Gally, just not in the same way Ido or Washuu did.
"We'll have to try and bust our way in," Gally said, drawing
back for a plasma-powered punch. "The alarms will go off, but if
we're fast enough--"
Rose flicked one bauble-clad wrist, and the lock blinked
green as the door slid open.
"....how did you..?" Gally asked.
"Ah. That is a secret. Excuse me, I have work to do." Rose
walked directly into the room, as if she owned the place. Gally
followed, until Rose mentioned "By the way, look out for the
warrior waiting just on the other side of the door" who then
sucker punched Gally with enough impact to hurl her fifty feet
across the room.
*
Bison span like a top from the blow. Akuma didn't snicker,
or taunt, or pose. He just did the job.
Punch after kick after uppercut after air combo after
fireball smacked into Bison's bulky, armor-clad form. Akuma's
fist flowed purple with the Evil Intent, the true shotokan form,
intent on doing what it was meant for -- killing people real dead.
It could be ended in one blow. Akuma sent his fist... into
the ground.
A small mushroom cloud soaked up the local vegetation for two
hundred feet around. When the light passed, Akuma stood in the
center of a glowing crater, alone. (Son Gokuu had moved the
motionless, inactive Ifurita to a safe distance first.)
"..." Akuma said, in his usual less is more theory of
vocabulary. He extracted his fist from the collapsing point, and
shook it loose, just in time for Bison to stomp him five feet into
the ground, feet first.
"...'Evil Intent,' hmm?" Bison asked, seeming to have none of
the injuries he had a moment ago. "Not very evil."
*
Gally rebounded off the wall, recovering from the blow. She
flipped once, and landed in a Panzer Kunst fight stance.. then
paused. Surprised.
The empty-eyed child who stood there, in her school uniform,
was also in attack stance. But shivering from fear. "...Master
Bison said nobody could come in here," Athena said, meekly. "He'd
hurt me if anybody did. I'll stop you and make you leave so he
never finds out."
Gally bit her lip. This isn't what she planned -- not to
beat up someone who couldn't help what they were doing. She
looked to Rose for help, but Rose seemed to be ignoring them, too
busy studying the master control panel of the Psycho Drive.
Probably for the best... the sooner they could finish, the sooner
they could get out of here.
She'd just have to stall Athena until then. Deactivating the
plasma conduits in her suit, Gally steeled herself, and went after
Athena. Not to defeat her. Just to occupy her.
*
Bison stood in the center of the crater. He lifted one foot,
to make sure there wasn't any squished Akuma stuck to his nice,
shiny boot. Frowned, then glared over at Gokuu.
"Go ahead and declare my victory," he ordered. "I have
things to attend to."
The saiyajin sighed. "I guess I have to. Due to absence
from the playing field, the win goes to--"
A blur of purple light warped in behind Bison, and a sharper
blur whisked towards his head. Bison raised a hand, catching
Akuma's fist in mid air.
"..." Akuma responded. But it was a very angry, and equally
unimpressed ... .
Bison laughed, of course, because he was always such a happy
camper, and did a little space-warp of his own -- appearing in
four locations at once, before one of the images slid knee first
into Akuma's crotch.
The evil Shotokan master did not even flinch.
He warped. Bison warped. They fought, warped, fought, in
the sky, on the ground, standing sideways on trees, everywhere
there was or was not a surface, fight jacking up several degrees
in intensity, as neither held back any longer...
*
Gally, who HAD to hold back, was not doing well.
She skidded to a halt, sliding on her back as the Psycho Ball
from Athena's hands sent her flying again. She had given up
trying straight combat; Athena was only using extremely cheesy
power attacks, a direct result of the experimenting Bison had
done. But whenever Gally tried to get in close enough to, say,
break an arm or something that would incapacitate her without
killing her, she'd just hit that wall of power...
A wall which vanished, in one pop. Athena blinked a few
times, behind glazed eyes, before turning to face the person
responsible.
"I'm finished here," Rose said, quietly.. a spark of Psycho
Power dancing around her scarf. "But you, little one, are using
an art you were never properly trained in. Before I go, I will
give you a free lesson."
"Whoa, whoa, Rose, don't hurt her!" Gally shouted quickly --
but it was too late. The two hadn't MOVED, but waves of the blue
and red power swirled between them, both trying to push the other
off guard psionically. Neither succeeding, as the waves wobbled
back and forth, but didn't make headway...
But Gally saw a difference. Athena was sweating, and
shaking, trembling like a bowl of jello. Rose hadn't broken a
sweat.
"You are not connected to this machine," Rose said, through
the swirling eddies of power, shrieking through the chamber like
firecrackers. "Bison himself has a hand on your soul. It limits
your power, and binds your will. But the only person who can
break the chains on your soul's power is yourself. When you have
done that, then see me, and we will discuss this again, young
Athena."
In one swift flick of the shawl, all the waves... sucked into
the fabric, instead of knocking Rose silly... then with another
flick, they were reflected back. Some, not all. Just enough to
knock Athena out cold for hours, her brain throwing in the towel
as she collapsed on the spot.
"..." Gally said, doing her best Akuma impersonation.
"I would suggest we leave," Rose said, flipping the scarf
around her neck once more. "I set a two minute countdown on the
soul bomb I planted at the drive's core. Everything on this floor
of the complex will be going away in short time."
"WHAT?!" Gally said. "But.. the stairs are hundreds of...
go, go, we have to go! Grab Athena!"
"No."
"Right, and ..WHAT?!"
"I have no intention of rescuing her. She must save herself.
And you can find your own way out, I'm sure. Thank you for the
opportunity to teach Bison a lesson once again. You won't be
seeing me again for awhile, I believe. Excuse me."
And Rose folded her hands, her image splitting three ways,
before fading out completely.
What a BITCH, Gally thought. Then glanced nervously from the
drive, to Athena, to the drive, to Sie coming in through the open
doorway--
"ATHENA!" Sie shouted. He snarled, and assumed an attack
posture. "What did you--"
"Get her and go! It's going to explode NOW!" Gally shouted.
Hoping that would be enough, and kicking her cyborg suit to full
speed, whipping around corners, before saying 'to heck with it'
and just punching directly upwards through ceilings to get the
hell out of Dodge.
*
A flaming purple body was cast down from the heavens, to
crash into the tree line and wipe out vegetation in a fifty foot
streak of fire.
The victor floated down, gloating over the fallen.
"I take it back," Bison said. "You're not too shabby. But
you are nothing compared to Ryu's unlocked full potential. Or
Washuu's inner self, for that matter... but I AM going to miss
you, Akuma. You were much more fun than your Cyber-Akuma clone
self, you know."
"..." the beaten Akuma said. "...you know who made that..
abomination?"
"Yes, I do," Bison said, flaring one fist with Psycho Power.
"And I know that's why you came. For revenge on its maker. The
one who made that Cyber-Akuma, and all the other previous
deviations of you that you've grown to detest. But her name will
escape you, because I'm afraid it's time to die."
A muffled explosion was heard in the distance. Bison
flinched, made nothing of it, and charged his fists, ready to give
Akuma one final Psycho Crusher to remember him by...
A lumpy object tapped his shoulder, humbly asking for
attention. He turned, and saw the business end of a Power Key
Staff.
Ifurita's eyes of cold indifference turned on him.
"...oh, shit," Bison whispered.
There's very few things you can see properly from orbit. The
Great Wall of China is one. Bill Gates's house is another. But
neither were as brilliantly lit as what happened to most of the
surrounding countryside just beyond Shadowloo headquarters.
Once the dust and nuclear fallout settled, there was only
Ifurita, hovering over what used to be the ground, and Son Gokuu,
who was carrying Akuma's unconscious body over one shoulder.
"Err..." the referee said. "The winner... well, I guess it's
a disqualification. Good to see you back, Ifurita-san."
Ifurita said nothing. She wasn't a very verbal sort of girl,
after all. She simply cast one, final look at Shadowloo in the
distance, opened a dimensional portal with power #13597 (Eye of
God) and went home. Back to Washuu's Lab.
*
"...a SPECTACULAR MATCH!" Hiroshi declared, grasping the
microphone and crying manly tears of joy. "Amazing fighting!
Intense action! And a return to freedom for Ifurita even though
I'm not quite sure how it happened! Do you think that's the last
we'll see of Bison, Daisuke?"
"I think that JUST because you asked that question, he'll
turn up not-dead later on tonight," Daisuke grumbled.
"We'll have more intense fighting action in a minute, folks!
It's the Three-on-Three brawl! Unlimited Desire versus the
Disciples of the Void, with Ryu of Spirit of Shotokan as the
special guest referee! STAY TUNED!!"
*
The door marked EXIT opened.
Insane yammerings of the damned and demonic alike flooded in.
The door marked EXIT closed.
Ryuji Yamazaki was peeved. He never ASKED to go to hell.
Sure, he'd sent plenty of folks here, but being sent here himself
was not his bag. Not in the slightest. But every door didn't
lead to home.
He'd had enough of this stupid federation. Nobody here was
rich enough, and a silly gold belt wasn't interesting enough to be
worth the trouble. He'd put business interests aside upstairs to
come here, and it was time to get back. If he could only LEAVE
the bloody arena!
A shadow of midnight crept along the wall. Yamazaki had his
razor sharp foot long knife fingered and ready in his pocket...
then frowned.
"Oh. It's just you," he said. "Didn't you used to be
taller?
"Yes," the Orochi stated. "You want to return to Earth, is
that it?"
"Damn straight. This place blows."
"I will speed your return, if that is your wish," the Orochi
said, clenching one fist, and causing a black disc to form in the
air. Before Ryuji could protest, it closed around him, warping
him back to his old hovel in the urban slums of Southtown --
upside down, of course.
"...boss? Was that wise?" Yashiro asked, adjusting his
fighting duds. "We could've used him. He was a Harbringer, you
know. Could've distributed plenty of 'har' for the cause."
"He was old news," the Orochi stated. "I am new, and the new
reign of the void will begin soon. He was too weak to survive the
onslaught. Tonight, we will show Ultra that the piddling,
insignificant Orochi of before is gone. Come. We are required."
*
WHAM WHAM WHAM.
"I'm not coming out!" A voice said from the broom closet.
"You can't make me. I'll stuff a fireball up your ass if you
try!"
"This isn't getting us anywhere," Dark Schneider grumbled.
"C'mon, Naga, you're her partner. Do something partnerish."
"Liiiiiina!" Naga called out, in her shrill voice. "If you
come out, I'll buy you dinner! What are you, AFRAID?"
"NO!" Lina shouted. "I'm not scared. But have you LOOKED
out there? Demons everywhere! Creepy, nasty, tentacular
bastards! I hate demons, just like I hate Mazoku! Nothing good
ever happens around them, and knowing my luck with demons,
something'll go horribly wrong tonight! Forget it. What do we
gain by fighting here, anyway?!"
"Well, for starters, we beat the location of Sakura out of
the Orochi," Darshu reminded. "It's the only shot of keeping him
contained in the arena, where he can't run away as easily."
"And you DID promise those nice boys in the colored pajamas
that you'd help them," Naga reminded.
Guilt started to set into a soul that usually only cared
where the next paycheck was coming from.
"Yeah, Lina. C'mon! It'll be a fun romp. You can take the
Orochi. And we'll handle his cronies," Darshu said, smacking a
fist into one palm. "One two three, it's over. The crowd of
demons won't have time to do anything weird."
Lina peeked out from the closet. "You're certain? I've
still got one of those patented Inverse Bad Feelings..."
"Absolutely positive!" Darshu grinned.
*
Ryu Hoshi (yes, he has a family name) stood in the center of
the ring, looking damn cool in his black and white striped ref's
shirt. He'd torn the sleeves off, of course, to give him better
mobility, but otherwise, he looked quite dignified.
The three who piled out of a flat black disc in space did not
look as dignified.
Shermie, notably known for having the largest breasts in the
entire history of the King of Fighters tournament (outmeasuring
King slightly, and Mai slightly more), strutted on out in heels
that normal people could never walk in, much less consider
fighting. Yashiro was a bit more serious, but the adorable little
heart necklace didn't help.
But the Orochi, despite being in David's body, was all
business. He hovered, just an inch off the ring, and made no
motion. Simply staring down Ryu.
"I'm going to enforce a fair fight," Ryu warned. "If you try
to get assistance, or use a weapon, or any other cheap tactic,
I'll stop you."
"You are only mortal," Orochi reminded. But left it at that.
To the boos from the crowd (who, as noted too many times,
booed all the heroes this evening), Unlimited Desire appeared at
the top of the ramp. Darshu and Naga posed. Lina turned around
to march backstage, until two arms grabbed her and dragged her
protesting down the ramp.
"This is it, folks!" Hiroshi announced. "Three on three! The
ultimate evil versus... almost but not exactly the ultimate good!
Actually, doesn't Darshu have a criminal record as long as Sheng
Long's tail?"
"No tags required, but all other rules hold," Daisuke
reminded. "It looks like everybody's in the ring, and Ryu has
motioned for the bell..."
*DING*
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #4 : THREE ON THREE BRAWL
][ UNLIMITED DESIRE vs. DISICIPLES OF THE VOID
][ FIGHT!
"Kyaaa!" Shermie screamed, somersaulting into the air... and
landing on top of Naga, both falling to the ground, while Shermie
tried to squeeze the busty sorceress to death between her thighs.
Darshu was too distracted by this to notice Yashiro punching
him in the neck.
"It's you and me," Lina said, squaring off against the
Orochi. "And don't think I won't use my big spells. It's not
like I care what happens to this audience. Now, will you hand
over the girl like a good little boy, or do I give you the beating
you ran away from before?"
"I will allow you one hit," the Orochi said, standing prone.
"As a token of good faith. But only one. Do your worst,
Inverse."
Darshu rubbed his neck with one arm, while trying to separate
Yashiro's head from his shoulders with the other. "That's our cue
to get outta here. Naga! C'mon!"
The four flew off, still fighting despite being in mid air
(although the two Orochi disciples couldn't fly, so it wasn't much
of a fight.) That left only Ryu, Orochi, and Lina in the ring.
"Falls only count in the ring!" Ryu warned them, turning away
from Lina and the Orochi. "I'm counting to ten, and if you're not
back, I've got to disqualify you!"
"It won't take that long.." Lina said, starting her spell.
White power flowed into her hands, channeled from a source she had
only tapped once before.
"*A simple light, that is the hope of others in times of
darkness...*"
"I'm waiting," the Orochi reminded.
"*...that has existed before anyone's time, or anyone's life,
that shines, and cannot be extinguished...*"
"One hit, Lina. Make it powerful."
"*...Let this lost and helpless person come back to the
light, and ask for its protection and--*"
The Orochi blurred... Lina's eyes opened, but she was too
busy funneling and controlling the power to do anything. She
twisted, as he flowed THROUGH her, and reformed on the other
side... without having done anything noticeable.
Her partners paused. So did the Orochi's brood.
"Hey! You said I'd get one hit!" Lina shouted.
"I lied," the Orochi said. Holding a small, glowing blue
ball of light he had pulled from Lina's body in one hand...
Which he crushed in his fist.
Lina screamed, and collapsed, right on the spot -- a crumpled
heap, unmoving.
Ryu immediately dove in to catch her, but was too late.
Darshu and Naga simply dropped their opponents into the crowd, and
zipped back to the ring.
Orochi stood, unconcerned.
"...you are DISQUALIFIED," Ryu said. "Medics!!"
"I don't care," the Orochi said. "Games are over. This is
the fate of all who oppose the Void. You have been warned."
With that, he simply faded from view. His henchmen
desperately climbed through the crowd to get to the exits, but
they didn't have to rush; Naga and Darshu were too busy trying to
pump healing magic into Lina, while she was loaded onto a gurney
and wheeled backstage.
Frowning, Ryu motioned for the microphone... and snatched it
up quickly.
"Ken! Guys! They're making a break for it.. exits 3-B and
3-D," Ryu announced, hoping Spirit of Shotokan could intercept in
time. "Orochi... you wanted a war? You have it. We're not going
to stop hounding you until Sakura is returned... and you are
sealed away for GOOD. We'll find a way. Your honorless fighting
will not help you."
Ryu dropped the microphone, and immediately headed backstage,
intent on catching up with his clan.
"...great Kasumi, what's going on down here?!" Hiroshi
babbled. "Is Lina gonna be okay? What will happen?!"
*
With a jolt, like someone had punched her in the chest and
torn out her heart, Lina had fallen over.
With another jolt, like someone had put her heart back in and
hit the ON switch, Lina had woken up. Screaming from the shock,
but that ended quickly.
"...Orochi, you are SO dead, you dickweed!" Lina shouted,
getting to her feet. "Where did you go?"
"Excuse me, miss..."
"C'mere! Coward! Loser! Kneebiter! Death awaits you with
nasty pointy teeth! Hey, you, which way did he go?"
"...he's not here," Aerith said. "But.. you may want to see
something."
The girl passed Lina a mirror, and confused, she looked in.
And saw a golden halo, at a slightly askew angle, hovering over
her head.
Which did NOT improve her mood any. Lina turned bright red
with anger.
"If it helps," Aerith said, with a weak smile, "At least you
didn't go you-know-where instead. But I'm afraid you'll have to
stay here..."
*
"She's DEAD?!" Naga exclaimed, jaw unable to rise from the
shock of it all.
"I'm afraid so," the doctor said... pulling the sheet over
Lina's head. "No amount of healing would have worked. Something
crushed her life force, completely obliterating it. I'm sorry."
"..." Naga said. Leaning heavily on the bedrail. "...we
killed her. We insisted that she come fight..."
"You know, I actually thought Lina was immortal," Darshu
mused, a bit saddened. "She's so legendary. I'd even heard of
her in my world, cut after the same cloth of wild destruction and
freewheeling fun I am... but I guess that kills that theory. So
to speak. So, what now, Naga? I guess we should notify Gourry
after the show, he's topside and probably freaking out at his
television right now. But after that, do you want to go hunt down
the Orochi, or...?"
"..." Naga continued.
A medical ward divider curtain pushed aside, and a mass of
spiky black hair made an appearance.
"...excuse me," Son Gokuu said. "I was just waiting for
Akuma to wake up, but you say someone got killed?"
"..Lina," Naga said. "My rival and... f.."
"I see," Gokuu said, rubbing his chin. "Kind of a setback.
But I might have something that can help you."
"A spell?" Naga asked, hopes rising. "Some sort of
ressurection magic? An artifact?"
The Saiyajin handed her a simple ball of orange glass, with
two red stars stamped in it.
"If you're serious about wanting Lina back," Gokuu said, "I'd
advise you to look for the rest of these."
*
Shermie pushed through another door. They had triumphed!
Just as the master had predicted. Of course, she WAS left to fend
for herself, but that was Orochi-sama for you. He hated everybody
equally. How adorable!
The corridor darkened, as she had finally hit the maze of
back alleys and conduits that made up the roots of the UltraDome.
It would be perfectly safe down here.
A tiny red and orange light flared silently in the dark, a
spark or ember. Then a long breath, and an exhalation of smoke.
"...goin' somewhere, cherie?" the shadowy man asked.
"Why, yes!" Shermie bubbled over. "Can you be a nice boy and
show me the way out? Why, I've gone and lost my way, boo hoo!"
"I can show you the way out," Gambit said.. crushing the
cigarette under one heel, and extending his metal rod from its
concealing pocket in his trenchcoat. "But Gambit don' think it's
the way you mean to go."
"Ohhh, you're still mad about what Orochi-sama did, aren't
you," Shermie realized. "Now now, you're a ladies' man. You
wouldn't hit a giiirl, now, would you?"
Gambit hit her. Shermie went down hard.
"Gambit make exceptions sometimes, he does," Gambit said,
nudging her with one foot, to roll her over. "'specially where
Sakura be concerned. I'd say no hard feelin's, cherie, 'cept that
there be some."
He whipped a cellular phone from the many pockets in his
trenchcoat, and speed-dialed a number.
"Ken. Got 'er. Sector 7G."
*
"Folks, the show must go on," Daisuke said. "I've gotten
word back that Lina's condition is 'Fatal, but not serious'. This
makes absolutely no sense to me, but it's just been one of those
kinds of days, folks. So, we're pushing on and having the Lambda
belt challenge. It's Mousse and Shampoo, of what's left of Team
Nerima, against Bean Bandit and Tifa Lockheart."
Mousse and Shampoo were already in the ring... and looking
impatient. The opponents hadn't arrived yet.
"What stupid people doing making Shampoo wait? Shampoo
champion! Maybe they afraid?" Shampoo asked.
"No doubt they fear my hidden weapons skill which helped win
the day against those oni!" Mousse said.
"...hai, Mousse. That probably it," Shampoo replied, rolling
her eyes (which Mousse couldn't see through his megathick glasses
that blocked tachyon particles).
*
"Uh... Tifa?" Bean asked, knocking on the bathroom door
again. "We've sort of got this fight... you're getting changed,
right?"
"She's back," Tifa replied, through the thick door. "I can't
escape her. She came BACK. She was dead and she came back. I am
never, ever going to hear the end of this from Cloud. He'll just
be fawning all over her again..."
"This is a chick thing, isn't it?" Bean asked, not really
much of a touchy-feely kind of guy. "Look, I'm heading out the
ring. If you want to stay... I can grab the belts myself, it's
okay. I'm helluva tough. No hard feelings, either."
".....no," Tifa said. "I'll come. Just.. go out. I'll
come."
This wasn't good. Bean shrugged, and headed out of the room,
flexing and stretching out a bit... pre-brawl activities. But
Tifa had been.. well, she'd been a bit volatile lately. Ever
since she got back from visiting her home world.
When she first got here, it was like she was starting anew.
Bean didn't know what she was starting away FROM, but it had to
have sucked, because the change was staggering. But then, she
went home, and when she came back, got depressed... then swung
back to happy, shopping, picking stuff out... and now depressed
again.
Bean was pretty certain that Cloud guy was responsible for
this. If he ever laid his meathooks on the kid, they'd have a few
words. And maybe a few other things.
He stepped out onto the ramp... frowning a bit at all the
demons who booed him. Tough crowd. He marched his way down the
ramp, sizing up the opponents... some guy, he looked kind of
weird, but so did a lot of folks. No underestimating, though,
that had tripped up enough people in Ultra for Bean not to repeat
the mistake. And the other....
A girl. A curvy, teenaged girl. Well... Tifa could handle
her. Bean didn't hit girls. Especially not kids.
"The following contest is for one fall! The champions,
Mousse, and Shampoo!" Touga announced. "And their opponents...
Bean Bandit and Tifaaaaa Lockheaaart!"
As if on cue, Tifa was by Bean's side.
She was in her old getup. It hadn't even been washed in
awhile, since she had ditched it a week ago. Rumpled, a bit
wrinkled, but the tight tank top and skirt, the suspenders, the
gloves... it was all there.
"Tifa?" Bean asked. "Hey, what's up here?"
"I guess I don't have a choice," Tifa responded, a bit ragged
around the edges in her voice, too. "I can't escape them, can I?"
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #5 : LAMBDA TITLE DEFENSE
][ SHAMPOO AND MOUSSE vs. BEAN BANDIT AND TIFA LOCKHEART
][ FIGHT!
The bell rang. Bean cursed the timing, and dove in,
quickly... running right for Mousse.
Mousse's sleeves flung outwards.. various spiky or sharp
things on chains coming out. But Bean kept running... right into
them.
Loud CLANGS and impacts echoed around the arena. But it only
slowed Bean down for a moment, before he plowed shoulder first
into the young martial artist, knocking him aside. Mousse,
expecting him to dodge or do some agile and skilled warrior
martial arts thing, didn't see it coming. Nor did he see it
leaving.
"My glasses!" Mousse wailed, feeling around on the mat.
"Where are they? "
"Mousse no baka!!" Shampoo shouted from her corner, waving a
fist angrily. "Get stupid glasses and fight big gaijin!"
Bean didn't keep attacking, while Mousse was down. "Get up,
buddy. They're two feet to your left, okay? No, MY left. No,
not THERE, they're--"
Mousse, waving his hand around trying to find them,
accidentally tagged in Shampoo. Bean smacked his forehead in
disgust, then looked back to his corner...
Tifa was still babbling quietly to herself.
"Teef, c'mon, snap out of it!" Bean asked. He turned back to
Shampoo -- and got a nice, up close view of her shoe.
"You fight Shampoo now," Shampoo declared, striking a battle
pose that rivaled Jackie Chan. "Shampoo defeat you!"
"Hey, hey," Bean protested. "I don't fight gi--" WHACK "--
rls or--" POW "--look, would you st--" BAM "--cut that ou!--"
POUND "--just--" BONK "--look, I'm going to go over there until
you sort out these issues, miss, I REALLY think you need a time
out here--"
*POW*.
The Roadbuster tumbled end over end, until he crashed back
first into the steel post in his corner. He TRIED to put up a
defense, but.. he was a brawler. He hit people with stuff and
threw people. He didn't have much in his arsenal to deal with
wild fists of fury and trained kicks of doom. And damn, that girl
kicked HARD, hard enough to knock the wind out of you...
Tag.
"Tifa, you've got to fight," Bean said, crawling out.
"You're better at this than I am. I'll admit it. Go get 'er,
sport."
"Huh?" Tifa asked, focusing on the present for a moment
instead of the past. "What? Fight? Where?"
"Fight there," Bean said, pointing.
"Okay," Tifa mumbled.
Then sprang with precision into the ring, over the ropes,
connecting a kick squarely on Shampoo's chest.
Shampoo tumbled -- but flipped to her feet. Irritated, she
rushed... and the fight, well, it was a little too fast to track.
Punch block parry duck spin dodge kick punch it's all in the mind,
both girls trained by masters, both with a long history of
practice, practical and otherwise...
With one key difference. Shampoo was focused and controlled.
But Tifa was crazed and out of control. Which meant she ignored
most of the hits that landed on her and just kept going.
Mousse scrabbled, finally finding his glasses, and held out
his hand. "Tag! TAG, Shampoo!"
"Shampoo... handle stupid girl.. by herself!!" Shampoo
declared, ignoring him -- and getting booted away, in the
distraction.
"..why won't.. you just... STAY DEAD?!" Tifa screamed.. but
not nessecarily at Shampoo. Yellow energy flared around her, a
spiralling circle breaking the limit of her anger...
Final Heaven unleashed was not pretty. It was also very bad
for the eyes. When the spots cleared, Tifa stood alone, breathing
heavily, a mad look in her eyes, while Shampoo was unconscious,
tangled up in the ropes in the opposite corner.
*DING*
Hiroshi jumped out of his chair, hitting his gonads on the
edge of the table, and sitting back down again. "..and... and we
have new champions!" he squeaked. "Lambda Champions Bean Bandit
and Tifa Lockheart!"
Bean stood, dumbfounded -- didn't notice someone trying to
hand him the belts until a moment later. He grabbed them, then
approached Tifa in the ring. Tapping her on the shoulder.
"Hey, Tif--"
Tifa laid him out flatter than a cheap rug.
That seemed to snap her out of it, at least partially.
Enough to spot her partner lying like a lawyer. "...Bean?" she
asked. "Oh, no.. I'm sorry!"
"...no.. problem..." Bean said weakly, giving a thumbs up
from the floor. She helped him up, and they made their way
backstage, while the medics came out for the umpteenth time, to
help Shampoo out.
"I think Tifa's got issues here," Daisuke said. "Possibly
even subscriptions. Folks, we're far from done. No pause in the
action this time; it's straight to G vs. E."
"That's right! Good and evil, the classic matchup!" Hiroshi
continued. "An Omega competition RIGHT under this roof! It's
gonna be a good old fashioned barn burning pig in a poke
slobberknocker in a one legged ass kicking smackdown frenzy pier
six--"
"That's enough, Hiroshi."
"--right."
"Here representing the side of evil," Daisuke said, as the
Imperial March by John Williams started, "Is a face we haven't
seen in awhile... hailing from a long time ago in a galaxy far far
away, the plucky pod racer turned to darkness, Darth Vader."
The crowd went NUTS. The looming figure in black, shiny mask
and all, stepped up, onto the entrance ramp...
Then took off his helmet, spiky red hair showing.
"That's it," Controversial Jack said, losing the cape and
plastic armor next. "The joke is PLAYED, okay? It wasn't as fun
as I thought it might be... yes, it was ME! Me the entire time!
The most controversial addition to Ultra, and I was behind the
silly Darth Vader gimmick all along! Boy did I peg all you marks
at home. I'm hereby leaving the Omega Division, but for one night
only, *I* will be representing Evil, as it seems the Orochi is too
busy doing his nails and Bison got vaporized. Let's get it ON!"
"Vader was Jack?!" Hiroshi repeated, stating the obvious, as
Jack walked down to the ring, head held high, tie askew, and Mr.
Duck perched on one shoulder. "What a swerve! How WILL this
affect the match?"
*
Backstage... Mr. Satan rubbed his hands with glee.
Controversial Jack! He was just an ordinary guy, not a fighter,
not a psychotic god.... okay, maybe he was Satan, but Mr. Satan
was MISTER SATAN. Five time heavyweight champion of All Japan
Wrestling. Earth's Greatest Hero. True, he'd accidentally gotten
a lot of glory when the yellow haired aliens kept bringing
superpowered maniacs into his turf, but nobody could take away his
wins in the ring against NORMAL PEOPLE!
So, when he walked out to the boos of demons, he didn't care.
He didn't mind being on camera. He mugged, and posed, and did his
best to play the hero. And for a change, he really FELT like a
hero. Someone who could stomp Jack into the floor and make things
right for Kasumi and everybody else!
This was gonna be a cakewalk.
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #6 : G VS. E
][ MR. SATAN vs. CONTROVERSIAL JACK w/Mr. Duck
][ FIGHT!
Mr. Satan stepped over the top rope, being of impressive
bulk. True, it chafed his genitals, but he tried not to flinch.
"Soooo..." Jack said, tapping a chin. "Wait, let me try to
remember. You would be... Earth's Greatest Hero, Mr. Satan. Am I
right or am I right?"
"You are RIGHT!" Mr. Satan said. "And as the force of
justice, the savior of Earth and founder of Satan City, I will
destroy the evil you have made here! So the good people of Earth
can--"
"Yes yes, good. I was wondering something. We're going to
fight, and all, but... can I have the first move?"
Mr. Satan sized the New Satan up. Scrawny little bastard.
Probably punched like a weak breeze.
"I don't see why not," Mr. Satan said, flexing his sizeable
chest muscles. "Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Controversial!"
Controversial Jack made a weak little fist, did a big Popeye
style windup...
Then pointed to the Titantron.
"ROLL that beautiful bean footage!!" Jack shouted. And the
screen came to life, showing...
...Gokuu, saving Mr. Satan from Naga the Black Serpent...
...a mutant pigeon winning the Apocalypse Brawl for him...
...Mr. Satan being easily smacked away by Cell, and Cell's
eventual downfall at the hands of the Saiyajins...
...and other fine closet skeletons.
"What you see before you is a SHAM!" Controversial Jack
declared, as Mr. Satan tried hard to pry his jaw off the floor and
close his eyes. "Earth's Greatest Hero is a joke! He's never won
any fights to save the earth -- other people win them for him!
He's nothing but a washed up ex-wrestler, a sad sack of a man!
All you twits at home, watch and note your HERO, your savior,
nothing more than a cheap copy of Hulk Hogan, but without the
snappy wardrobe!"
If you listened real hard, you could HEAR the sounds of
millions of hearts breaking at the hard reality of Mr. Satan's
legacy.
Jack reveled in it, in the cheers from the demons, in feeling
the hopelessness and despair from those who saw the best in
themselves in Mr. Satan. From everybody who idolized what he
represented, the dream, the ideal of heroism. He knew that Mr.
Satan's true power wasn't in his might, but in the legend. A
legend he just busted wide open.
"Hear me, people," Jack finished, turning to a camera. "I'm
Controversial Jack. And after tonight is over, I'll be your GOD.
Bad guys CAN WIN in my universe. Everything can go wrong,
everything can go right, and the only constant you're going to get
is constant CHAOS. Let this be a lesson to you. It never got
weird enough for me, and soon, you'll experience that FIRST HAND!"
Finally, in triumph, he turned to Mr. Satan. Mr. Satan,
whose whole world just crumbled around him like an imitation Lego
set. A broken man.
Of course, once all your lies are flying around in the air
like one winged pigeons, and you've hit the rock bottom, there's
nowhere to go but...
"Thanks for letting me have the first attack," he said. "So,
Mr. Smarty Pants, what do you have for ME?"
Jack laughed and laughed and laughed until the broken man's
fist broke three of Jack's teeth and sent him arcing through the
air, crashing with an impact of thirty miles an hour into the
cheap seats of the arena, taking out a row of demons with him.
Mr. Satan glowed red with anger. "You.. you LITTLE BASTARD!"
he shouted. "It's not enough to blow my secrets, but.. you gotta
DIG, don't you, to try to completely destroy me, to take away..
what little dignity I had?? Washed up? Sad sack?! Fine! So I
didn't defeat the crazy aliens! But I don't care what crap you
show on that screen... I'll PROVE TO YOU I'm Earth's Greatest
Hero! I don't care how long it takes! You're gonna regret this,
you snot nosed PUNK!"
With that, Mr. Satan threw in the towel on his old career, on
his old life, and threw the microphone away. He turned, stepped
through the ropes, and marched RIGHT up the ramp. Not running.
Just moving like he had a purpose.
Leaving the announcers speechless.
"...you know, I suspected all along," Daisuke said, quietly.
"But it's official now. Mr. Satan is not all he was apparently
cracked up to be. Well, folks, at least you've gotten ONE clean
match finish from earlier tonight... at the rate we're going, the
rest of the night is anybody's guess. What's coming up, Hiroshi?"
Daisuke found himself quite throttled by his co-host.
"It's not true, r-right?" Hiroshi stammered, eyes wide. "Say
it ain't so, Daisuke! Say it ain't so!!"
"...we'll be back with the Finder's Keepers brawl right after
this," Daisuke said towards the cameras, wobbling madly.
*
Two magic slinging hardcases stood at a crossroads.
Fortunately, they had coffee.
It's a well documented fact that coffee, when added to any
situation, yields more productive output. Quicker decisions.
Bigger raises. The exact reason behind this is that with coffee,
your nerves jitter more, everything FEELS more important and if
you DON'T MAKE A DECISION RIGHT NOW MY GOD MAN EVERYTHING IS GOING
TO EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE!!!
Naga and Darshu elected not to drink the coffee, too worried
to really stomach it.
Naga fingered the unusual technological widget Gokuu had
given her. A grid pulsed silently, constantly searching for
something -- a small dot, where she was. Where the number two
Dragonball was.
"I can't believe the Orochi did that," Darshu said, quite
calm. "I mean, come on. Rule number one of evil sorcery is that
you don't kill adorable little kids, small dogs, or ice cream men.
In my tenure at world-conquering, I picked that up fast, and it
saved my public relations image quite a lot. Of course, once
they're gone, you slaughter the kids and dogs, but doing it on
LIVE TELEVISION... he's gonna make a lot of enemies."
"..." Naga replied.
"Well, not much for it, I guess," Darshu said, finally
sipping his coffee, the java enriched decision making kicking in.
"We'll just have to hunt the bastard down and make his life a
living hell. It's worth a laugh. C'mon, Naga."
"No," Naga said. But didn't look up.
"What, you're afraid of him? C'mon, it's two on one. More
on one if you count those, whatsit, martial arts guys," Darshu
said. "Not a problem. We--"
"No. We've got to get Lina back," Naga decided without
coffee, standing. "Gokuu said this Dragon Radar could find the
other Dragonballs, hidden around the world. Collect all seven and
we can wish her back."
"Look, Naga, people die all the time. Especially in the
power leagues we're in. But things go on, you know?"
Naga GLARED at him with all the ice the white serpent could
manage. Which was enough to make Darshu wonder if they had
cranked up the air conditioning.
"Lina is my PAR.. my SIDEKICK," Naga said, cooly. "You may
have just met her a few weeks ago, but she's been travelling with
me in and out of scrapes near constantly. I'm used to quests.
So, we'll quest to get the Dragonballs. Or I'll go without you."
"But the Orochi--"
"SCREW the Orochi!" Naga said, banging a fist on the table.
"Yes, I know what he's like. Don't forget he had me brainwashed
for a long time! But let someone else deal with him. Even though
if he IS handled when we come back, I KNOW Lina will kick our
asses for not bringing her back soon enough so SHE could destroy
him!"
"...well, that's different," Darshu said. Cluing in at last.
"Vengeance. I can see that. It's not like you WANT her back,
the way you keep insulting her nonexistent chest and bad
attitudes... right?"
"Ah.. of course! Lina is SUCH a pain," Naga said, dropping
back into character. "But I suppose she'd just pitch a fit if we
didn't do this. And it's such a trivial quest. We'll pick up
Gourry along the way and get moving immediately. Find seven magic
balls. How hard can it be?"
"PIKA!"
It's very rare to get dramatic lightning and thunder indoors,
but in some circumstances, fate finds a way.
Curious, Naga peeked out the doors.. to see a fallen Team
Rocket, scorched and blackened. No sign of an assailant around.
"This place is getting dangerous," she hmphed, with a toss of
her hair. "Let's begin our search immediately. Come, Darshu-
chan."
"Right. ...hey!"
*
Hiroshi was on a razor's edge of nerves.
Nothing was going right. First Jack threatens to run his
boss out of a job. Then NERV turns on Heaven, meaning no more
clones for him. Then Mr. Satan, his personal hero, gets exposed
as a fraud... but at least this was as bad as it could get.
Nowhere to go but up. Swallow, and announce.
"...it's time for the Hardcore championship 'Finder's
Keepers' match!" Hiroshi announced. "The first person to lay a
finger on the Hardcore belt -- which is hidden in an unknown
location in the UltraDome -- WILL BE the new Hardcore Champion!"
"And likely have plenty of psychotic, weapon toting badasses
after him or her forever," Daisuke warned.
"The fighters are slowly filtering into the ring... remember,
any fighting that starts before the bell disqualifies you, so
they're mostly glaring at each other and stuff... let's run down
the list! Stone Cold Dan Hibiki is... unfortunately still being
treated for multiple injuries, but should be awake in time for the
Absolute Destiny Apocalypse! We hope!"
"I've gotten word that Felicia apparently has resigned from
Ultra, intent on continuing her singing career," Daisuke said. "I
don't blame her, after getting dragged to Hell... also, Ryuji
Yamazaki has left, so he won't be a factor. Sie and Athena have
no-showed, presumably busy at Shadowloo, and Tifa is.. still
backstage resting, but Bean's out here. Ken and Gambit gave word
that they're apparently busy, although they didn't say why, so
they'll be missing... have I skipped anybody?"
"Nope, that's all the scheduled cancellations! And here they
are, folks! One... large, volatile crowd!"
The crowd mulled around in the ring, which was still filling.
Some were here with a purpose; some just to see if they could
make something of the night. But all of them gave two particular
fighters some leeway in the personal space department.
Kunou and Haohmaru.
Both had elected to bring razor sharp katanas to the party.
It was Hardcore rules, after all.
"AND SOON AFTER WE DOMINATE THIS CONTEST OF NO HOLDS BARRED
WILD INDESCRIMINATE GRAPPLING STYLE," Hoahmaru bellowed, "YOU AND
I, PUPIL, WILL TAKE ON THE CONSIDERABLY LESS LEGENDARY SORT IN THE
LAMBDA DIVISION! ME WITH MY REVERSED SWORD, YOU WITH YOUR BOKKEN!
THE WAY OF THE SWORD WILL CONTINUTE TO NEW LANDS FOR YOU,
TATEWAKI KUNOU!"
"I look forward to smiting new enemies, sensei," Kunou said,
waving his sword threateningly, making those assembled take a step
back.
Meanwhile, another team was almost concerned.
"I just know they're going to do something sneaky," Misty
grumbled. "I swear, what does Team Rocket have against us?
There's plenty of others here they could get into a fight with."
"Aww, relax, Misty! Bulbasaur can handle them," Ash said.
"And I've got plenty of empty pokeballs, and I've been practicing
my fastball pitch, so we can really do this Hardcore style!"
"...attention!" Hiroshi shouted. "I've been informed that
Team Rocket was assaulted before the match! They won't be able to
fight."
"See? That solves that," Ash said. "Wonder who took out the
trash for us..."
(A small yellow rodent hid towards the back, not wanting to
be seen by his on-again, off-again friend.)
He who had spiky hair and a yellow duck stood at the top of
the ramp, toting a Tom Greene megaphone and barking orders to the
fighters. "*Please walk single file! No spitting, no pushing, no
fooling around, no tax evasion. Thank you for playing and enjoy
your bloodbath! Please walk single file! No spitting--*"
"Boss, boss!"
"Yes, what?" Jack said, turning... and perking an eyebrow.
"We have found our new gimmick!" Sofia said, gesturing along
her body, which had even less scanty leather than previously
utilized. "Behold, I am Mistress Pain, ruler of the squirrels,
leather fetishist and force to be reckoned with!"
Pause.
Sofia kicked her partner. "Do your introduction, worm!"
Cage sighed. "...and I'm her boy toy slave, The Gimp,"
Johnny said, poking at the dog collar he was wearing. "Lo, I
cower before my mighty mistress, and... what was the next line
again, Sofia?"
"And you call yourself an actor?! Hmph. Anyway... there!
Now we are TRULY worthy of Sex and Violence! Right, Jack-sama?"
Jack scratched his chin. Studied the fine craftsmanship on
the new costumes. Turned the names over in his head a few times.
Closed his eyes, took a deep breath.
"Sucks," he decided. "Lame. Totally unoriginal. People
don't want stock sexual deviants, they want BIZARRE sexual
deviants. It's not working, kids. Sorry. You're fired from the
team."
"..WHAT?!" Sofia shouted.
"Pink slip. Walking papers. The big exit," Jack continued.
"You two are the suckiest, lamest little jobbers in Ultra, and
you're doing nothing for me. Morrigan and Lil are former
champions, Marlo's going to save our bacon, Jesse and James could
make great pranksters after some training... but you've had your
run. It's too late. Get out of my sight before I have Etrigan
maul you."
Sofia turned purple. She shook with rage. All the
undignified, laughable positions she had been in during her
tenure...
But instead of speaking, she turned sharply on a stiletto
heel, and started to march off.
"..uh, what about the belt?" Cage asked her. "I sort of
wanted--"
"SILENCE, SLAVE!"
"Hey, I thought you said it was just a gimmick! Ow! Hey!
Quit pulling, that chokes!..."
Meanwhile, in the ring, the number one contenders for the
Hardcore belt were busy chatting away. Well, two of them were.
"I'm gonna beat'cha eat'cha and leech'yah, Wolvie-kun!"
Lillith giggled, hopping from foot to foot. "Big bad doggie isn't
getting his belt back. And oneechan, I DON'T want your help! I'm
fighting you for this too!"
Morrigan gave her sister a dismissive wave, and resumed
trying to seduce Ranma, who reached pretty much like Ranma usually
reacted to that; he was looking for the exits.
"Yeah, kid. You give it your best, I'll bring everything I
got to the table too," Wolverine growled, snapping his claws in
and out in impatience. He turned to the third man. "You got
anything to say, bishounen boy? Great fight earlier, by the way.
Especially how it didn't go anywhere."
Iori simply... glared at everything in general.
*
Nabiki, up in the control booth, dryswallowed two aspirin.
Took a deep breath. Got This Old Dojo on speed dial. Then gave
the order.
"Ring the bell," she said, in tones of doom.
*
][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #7 : FINDER'S KEEPERS FREE-FOR-ALL
][ GAMMA vs. LAMBDA
][ FIGHT!
Iori started by igniting the two people closest to him;
Wolverine, and Lillith. Two brilliant pillars of purple flame
pegged them, and they went down hard -- then he sprang out of the
ring and made a beeline for the ramp.
The other fighters filed out a bit slower, some tangled up in
brawls, some just trying to push past each other... but soon,
everybody was out. Everybody except Ash and Misty.
Ash wound up...
Andy chugged along the ramp. "Mai! What are we DOING out
here? We're not hardcore!"
"Oh, it's fun, Andy-chan!" Mai giggled. "Play along!"
"I'd rather we go try to find Athena and--"
"POKEBALL, GO!"
TOCK! Like a croquet ball gone homicidal, the red and white
striped ball p'tonked off the back of Andy's head, sending him
tumbling head over heels. Mai looked back -- then went 'eep!' and
dodged a hail of pokeballs from Misty and Ash.
Next two down were Bart and Rico.
"You're supposed to CATCH THEM! Catch! We've gone over this
a million-- OW!"
"Hide! Hide! Not catch, Hide!"
"This is working great!" Ash said, flexing his almost mighty
bicep. "We'll have most of 'em down in no time, and can go
searching without problems! I'll get that big guy, next!"
Misty paused.. focusing. "Ash, wait, he's ready--"
"POKEBALL, GO!"
Bean Bandit stood his ground..... carrying a large table,
tossing it up in the air, grabbing it neatly in two hands... in a
batter's stance.
TOCK!
The Pokeball whanged back at Ash, at six times the speed it
had been delivered. Ash actually flew completely out of the ring
on impact.
"...hate to do it, had to be done," Bean decided, tossing the
table away (and flattening Mousse and Shampoo in the process, not
coincidentally). He glanced at the twosome, glad they wouldn't be
bugging him again, and started to catch up with the crowd...
For those keeping score, which Bean was specifically doing,
this meant Iori had a headstart, with Pikachu, Haohmaru, Kunou,
Ranma, Shingo, Ataru, Happosai, and Morrigan were still up and
about. Great. Maybe it'd be easier to wait it out and maul
whoever finally gets the belt, Bean thought, but it was still
worth a shot...
Finally, after everybody had filtered out of the main seating
area, Hiroshi breathed a sigh of relief. It'd just be shown on
the TitanTron now.
"Looks like we're underway!" he announced. "Everybody's
split. We'll just be--"
Daisuke tapped his shoulder. Hiroshi turned from the screen,
to see.
"We've got a special guest commentator," Daisuke said, much
in the tone you'd say 'We've got a special guest ego who's going
to run at the mouth and annoy me, will you please talk to him so I
don't have to?'
*
Backstage:
The fight had degenerated from a brawl to... an easter egg
hunt. No object was left unturned. No door was left un-ripped-
off-the-hinges. No wall was left undamaged.
"...this sucks," Shingo Yabuki decided, wiping sweat off his
brow. "This place is huge. I'll never find it this way!"
A sharp rap on the head from a shadowy lurking figure
convinced him otherwise. "Search harder! You still have a debt
to pay off to me!"
"Waah, sorry, Karin-sama!" he pleaded, and resumed checking
under piles of folding chairs.
Morrigan, instead of searching, simply sat on a floating
cloud of bats and let herself be entertained by the antics. She
had no idea why her sister was so keen on the silly belt, nor why
she kept insisting on having no help to get it. Helping was
illegal; that's what made it fun. Still, her sister was down and
out at the hand of Iori, and that's just what you get, isn't it--
Two objects attached themselves to her; one to her rear, one
to her chest.
"You're all the Hardcore I need, baby!" Happosai beamed with
tear-streaked eyes from her cleavage. "Let's go make a little two
on one action!"
...ignoring the screams of male pain and suffering, Ranma
continued to hunt. He had a good idea of what stuff belonged
where in the Ultradome, after staying here so long... staying here
to get AWAY from the craziness back home. To train and fight. He
hadn't been having much success on any front, there. He casually
shoved Kunou aside and started to check under a pile of referee's
shirts--
"Saotome!!" Kunou raged, leaping behind him, katana drawn.
"You transsexual pervert! How dare you shove me, peasant?"
Ranma kicked backwards, catching Kunou in the gut, and kept
searching. Which would have been enough, back at Nerima, but he
had forgotten that Kunou had friends now...
A swipe of hard metal nipped at his bangs, but he leaned back
and away, fast.
"YOU WILL SPAR WITH MY PUPIL, COWARD!" Haohmaru declared.
"FOR I HAVE TRAINED HIM AND HE MUST PROVE HIMSELF IN BATTLE TO
TRULY BECOME LEGENDARY (ALTHOUGH NOT AS LEGENDARY AS MYSELF)!
STAND AND FIGHT!"
Ranma grumbled... he turned around, to take a good look at
Kunou. Better get this over with fast.
Kunou assumed a reversed sword stance he had learned from his
sensei. "Now, Saotome, taste the mad skills of TATEWAK--"
A steel chair clubbed Kunou over the head, ending that.
Ranma tossed the chair aside.
"DOUBLY A COWARD," Haohmaru determined.. sheathing his
katana. He picked up Kunou, and turned to leave. "WE WILL MEET
AGAIN, YOUNG SAOTOME. PERHAPS AFTER YOU HAVE HAD AN ATTITUDE
ADJUSTMENT."
"Whatever," Ranma said, walking off. That felt.. rather
good. More so than when he defeated Kunou normally, something
he'd done so many times that it had lost the charm. It was
boring, unchallenging. But this... he could grow to like this
Hardcore division. Use your environment, use you skill, use
anything you can get your hands on. And DEFEAT your opponent. It
fit Anything Goes Martial Arts to a T...
Ranma ducked to avoid a flying electrical mouse.
"Pikaaaaa PIIII!!! [Damn, that Bean Bandit can throw helluva
far!!!]" Pikachu shrieked, before crashing through a nearby
popcorn machine.
Shingo came a-flyin' after him, tossed by Iori. "Karin-sama,
gomen nasaaaaai!" he wailed on the way out.
It was down to three now.
*
"So you see," Marlo Semaj explained, "The only reason stupid
gimmick matches like this exist are to entertain the fans who want
to see a bunch of idiots running around like chickens with their
heads chopped off. Which is exactly what's happening. I almost
wish I had signed up, I'd have enjoyed whomping 'em all before I
get to Dan."
"I don't know, Marlo. I mean, Dan's one stone cold crazy
guy," Hiroshi said. "Why do you think you can--"
"Because he's a wuss. Let's face facts, Dan has only won,
like, ONE match cleanly," Marlo explained. "Jack laid the whole
history of this place on me, when he came to hire me. I saw the
truth. You NEED someone like me. Someone who can save this once
proud and profitable company! Someone who all those pathetic
couch potatoes can cheer for! Someone for whom you can chant,
'Go, MARLO, GO! GO MARLO GO! GO MARLO GO!'"
"Yeah, this is definitely the sort of guy Controversial Jack
would hire," Daisuke said, grumbling.
"Hey, watch your mouth, Daisuke," Marlo warned. "I may be
new here, but by the night's over, I think you'll understand I'm
more than talk. Nothing is E-- EVER gonna be the same again!"
*
The three final competitors circled.. Iori walking calmly,
hands tensing and untensing. Bean looking a little peeved. Ranma
just looking... determined. Determined in the same way Mt. Fuji
is sort of interested in staying in one place.
"...I think we've all got the same basic idea here, right?"
Bean asked. "Just to make sure we're okay on this. Three left.
If two of us are beaten to a pulp, the third can calmly search the
building without any problems and take home a championship win.
Right?"
"That's right," Ranma said, cold as steel.
"..." Iori responded.
"Okay. Glad I could clear that up. Let's get on with it.
Good clean brawl--"
Both martial artists turned on Bean.
"SHINE!" "HIRYUU SHOTEN HA!"
The Roadbuster managed to take down two brick walls before
coming to a rest in the men's john, scorched and smoking.
Now it was two.
*
"WOW!" Hiroshi proclaimed. "Two recently forged rivals, the
only competitors left in the Finder's Keepers match! Look at them
GO! I don't think they care about finding the belt at this point,
just making sure the other guy isn't able to bend his legs
correctly for months!"
The fight spilled back into the arena, the two exchanging
blows, in a running melee that spread across the entrance stage.
Ranma backflipped to avoid a sparking purple flame that raced
along the floor -- Iori sidestepped a barrage of amaguriken
punches. Both were skilled, both were angry, both were going at
it with everything they had...
"Boooring," Marlo declared, getting up. "Nothing kills
ratings worse than an straight fight. I've got a match to prepare
for. Excuse me, boys."
Marlo opened a gateway straight to FurnitureSpace, climbed
inside, and vanished.
"I'm bored myself, but that's par for course," Daisuke said.
"So who are you betting on, Hiroshi? I'll put you fifty yen on
Iori."
"Oh, come on! Ranma NEVER loses. ...well, he loses, but
never twice in a row. Usually." Hiroshi leaned back in his
announcer's chair. A metallic scrape sounded as it leaned a bit
lopsided. "I'm just wondering where they put that-- eh? What's
this?"
Hiroshi picked up the Hardcore Belt that had been hidden
under his chair, confused.
*DING*
"AND THE WINNER OF THE FINDER'S KEEPERS HARDCORE FREE FOR
ALL... HIROOOOSHI!" Touga announced, unable to contain his glee at
the irony.
The fight at the top of the ramp.... stopped. Right in mid
battle pose.
"...................." Hiroshi said, fingers tightening
instinctively on the belt while all the color drained out of his
face. "But.. but I'm not even a fighter!! No way!"
Daisuke consulted a transcript. "Actually, according to the
interview Yotsuya and Jack had back when the Hardcore belt was
made, Jack stated specifically that 'Anybody can challenge for it,
Gamma, Lambda, Hiroshi, anybody...' I think Jack set you up,
buddy."
Hiroshi freaked. That wasn't the scary part. The scary part
was that Iori and Ranma were COMING CLOSER. And LOOKING AT HIM.
"It'sbeenagreatnightfolksbutIthinkI'llbegoing!!" Hiroshi
shouted. "Daisuketaketheshowfromherethanksyou'reatruefriend!!!"
Like the Road Runner, all that was left behind was a vaguely
Hiroshi-shaped cloud of dust. Ranma and Iori frowned.. and
returned backstage, without looking at each other. Whatever fight
existed would wait. Would wait one more episode, to be exact.
"..we'll clean up a bit here, and be right back with the main
event," Daisuke said, evenly, despite the large round sweatdrop on
his head. "Absolute Destiny Apocalypse. It's going to be the end
of an era, one way or the other."
*
Dan reeled a bit, but regained his footing.
Damn that Saotome! His glory night, his night to defend the
kingdom of heaven, and he had an ear-splitting headache. And a
muscle ache from Iori. And several bandages in general. But
nothing would stop the mighty DAN! Not tonight, not ANY night!
The match wasn't ready yet, but Dan walked right out of
medical anyway. Down the hall, past the smiley, purple-haired
guy, bumping shoulders with him accidentally.
"Oh, terribly sorry," Xelloss said, grin ear to ear, keeping
something concealed in his robes. "My bad."
"No worries, friend," Dan grinned back. Such a friendly man!
But time for socialization would be later. For now... it was
time to FIGHT!
*
"...I'm joined for commentary for the rest of the night by
God herself, Kasumi Tendo," Daisuke said. "Ah.. it's a pleasure
to be here with you, Kasumi. How are you? I mean, besides this
whole thing about you losing your job."
"I'm quite good, thank you, Daisuke," Kasumi said, fiddling
with her headset. "It's going to be a fun match, don't you think?
Hibiki-san is so excited."
"It's not his excitement I'm worried about," Daisuke mumbled.
Dan didn't shoot through a ramp, our out of a cannon, or
drive a cool vehicle in. His entrance was normal.. walk out,
taunt. Roll towards the ring, taunt. Roll, taunt. Slowly make
your way to the squared circle.
But something WAS different. Maybe the firmness in his step,
or the pulse in the veins on his mighty taunting forearm.
Something that said tonight, Dan meant business. Although the
pulsing vein on his forehead just suggested he had a headache.
Dan snatched a microphone away from a flunky.
"I... am... DAN!!" he announced, ignoring the demon boos.
"This is it! This is the match of my career! Tonight, to all the
MILLIONS... and millions of Dan Fans at home, I will show the
might of my showmanship, my Saikyo skill, and my pure heart! I
understand that there is an arrogant young man named Marlo waiting
for me. Bring it on! In the name of Kasumi, I will punish you!!"
An entire living room set dropped from the rafters, crumpling
Dan instantly into the mat. Sofa, table, chairs, love seat,
ceiling fan, carpeting, home entertainment unit and a grand piano.
The whole ring sagged slightly under the weight.
Rappelling down from the ceiling on a series of tied up
curtains, Marlo stood on top of the ugly pile of joinery. "Well,
that about wraps it up for God!" he declared, flicking his thumb
off at the announcer's table.
Then the pile of high class furniture started.. to quake.
In a purst of pink light, the various bits of living room
decoration were shoved aside -- not blasted from the ring, but a
circle was cleared, where Dan stood. Glowing with sickly pink ki,
eyes fierce.
"Such tactics will never overcome my pure heart!!" Dan
taunted. "Now face my fists of fury in my previously unused but
still very effective technique... DAN DAN BOOT -- TO -- THE --
HEAD!!"
The Dan Dan Kick shot like a rocket, impacting solidly on
Marlo's head, sending him spinning to the mat just outside the
ring itself.
Daisuke actually gaped in surprise. "He hasn't used that
since the tournament where you got your job, Kasumi!"
"Oh, Dan is a very resourceful fighter," Kasumi said, smiling
quietly. "You'll see."
Marlo pasted Dan with a chest of drawers.
"I hope I see it very, very soon," Daisuke stated.
Dan rolled back -- well, tumbled backwards, before crashing
into the security barricade. Marlo chuckled, spinning a hat rack
in one arm. "C'mon, man, give it up. My Varied Tactical
Furniture Style is just out of your league."
But this was Dan. Giving up was not a word in his
dictionary. Being pounded into a comatose state was, but that
wasn't going to happen just yet. He stood his ground, coughing a
few times... then taunted. "Your furniture is powerful! But I
hold the key to its undoing! As this is a Hardcore fight...
BEHOLD MY SECRET WEAPON!"
A hockey mask was donned.
RIP!RRRPRrrRGRGrGGRRGRgrgrRGRGrRrrrr...
The chainsaw held in Dan's hands rumbled with potential wood-
shredding power not unlike sixty beavers linked in paralell.
Marlo, peeved, hurled the hatrack at Dan -- with one swipe
from his mighty saw, the wooden rack was cleaved in half. A duck
and roll, and the table that came next was cut into three pieces,
a spice rack into four, and a pair of chairs fell apart into nine
seperate pieces.
"I have found your super weakness!" Dan shouted from behind
the hockey mask. "I--"
A can of latex wall paint came next. Dan slashed it
instinctively -- only to get a fine, thick coat of cerulean blue.
"GAAH! My eyes!" he shrieked, dropping the saw. "Everything
has turned a refreshing shade of sky blue!"
"Easily done," Marlo chuckled. He leaned against the guard
rail, under the mega-sound-system Ultra used to announce fighters.
"I swear, Dan, I could beat you with one sink tied behind my--"
A speaker toppled off the stack, crushing Marlo like can of
Surge.
"Gosh, it's a good thing this is a no disqualifications
match," Kasumi said, completely unsurprised. "It's so exciting
when you can use any tactic or strategy available, including nice
friends to help you."
"Who did that?" Daisuke asked, trying to focus in the dim
light. A spotlight twisted up to catch the person standing on top
of the audio stack...
Mr. Satan stood, arms crossed, a rock hard expression on his
face. He gave the unconscious Marlo the finger.
"I leave him to you, Dan! Tonight only, YOU are Earth's
Greatest Champion!" he called, and jumped off the stack, cape
flapping -- and making a nice WHAM when he landed on his ass,
before running backstage.
"This could be it!" Daisuke said loudly, actually slightly
excited. "If Marlo stays down, Stone Cold Dan Hibiki will have
won the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse against all common sense!"
The speaker shot upwards at a speed that put it through the
roof, and halfway back up to earth.
In the middle of a whirling maelstrom of red energy and
furniture stood Marlo... kneeled, actually, clenching one fist,
while his impossibly awkward weapons whipped around him in a
spiral of death. Dozens of objects, pulled from FurnitureSpace...
his eyes GLOWING with anger.
Dan wrenched the paint-covered mask off, and panicked. He
went for his saw, but it was too late -- the whirlwind, the
hurricane of comfortable seats and storage surfaces came for him.
The pileup made an I-270 carbeque look like Mister Roger's
Neighborhood.
He weakly crawled out from the bottom, coughing. "Bactine,
please..."
Marlo wiped some sweat off his forehead, standing again;
Controversial Jack was at his side in a flash, shouting
encouraging things into his eardrums with the megaphone.
"YES! Yes! Good!" Jack said. "You've got him now, kid!
Now, FINISH HIM!"
"With pleasure," Marlo snarled, advancing... then a sharp
shriek jerked his attention back to Jack.
Jack, who had been snagged around the neck by a leather whip,
was being hurled into the ground repeatedly by Sofia.
"Sof.. Sofia is backstabbing her former employer!" Daisuke
announced. "And there's Cage, with a shadow uppercut.. and Jack's
tossed into the crowd and gone!"
"You can take that pink slip," Cage shouted at the departing
Jack, "Turn it sideways, and shove it up your ASS, Jack!"
An ottoman sofa pinned Sofia and Cage to the ring apron.
Marlo spat, and advanced, distracted. "NOBODY trashes Mr. Jack
like that. Especially not two wash-ups like yourself--"
taptap.
Marlo turned around. "WHAT? I'm busy here--"
Time and space distorted for ONE moment, as power flared into
Dan's fist.
"CERTAIN! VICTORY! RELYING! ON! NOBODY! BUT! MYSELF!
FIIIIST!!!"
The chain combo smacked Marlo around like a punching bag,
each hit landing in turn, the bleeding out of chi like a shower of
sparks off Dan's body. One final uppercut, and Marlo was in the
ring, and out of it.
"YES! I HAVE WON!" Dan declared, turning his back to the
ring, and taunting the crowd. "Good has triumphed over evil! The
destiny of Dan is sealed!"
Marlo faded in and out of consciousness. He rolled onto his
stomach.. trying to hide something, as he snuck it from a pocket
on his military jacket, and to his mouth...
Controverisal Jack didn't tell him where he got the 'Senzu
Seed', but it worked. Marlo was up, on his feet, towering over
Dan who was busy gloating down below...
"NO! Dan! Stop taunting!" Daisuke screamed. "Turn around!
TURN AROUND, DAMN YOU!"
"Huh?" Dan asked, turning. He looked up...
"Sayonara," Marlo quietly said.
An extra heavy, double-wide filing cabinet loaded with 50
copies of the Starr Report hit Dan right in the kisser.
Seconds passed. The pink one's body twitched a few times...
perhaps getting ready to rise. But the silent ten count had
sounded. The fight was over.
*DING*
"...your winner, scarily enough," Touga said, a bit
reluctantly, "Controversial Jack's champion of chaos... MARLO
SEMAJ!"
Jack sprang back to life in Row 3, Section C. "YESSS!!!!" he
shouted, doing a touchdown dance. He pointed down to the
announcer's table. "In your FACE, TENDO!"
Kasumi remained motionless, with a simple smile, as Jack made
his way down to ringside, to give Marlo a big 'ol hug, a fat bonus
check, and to give Daisuke the finger.
"ABSOLUTE DESTINY APOCALYPSE is DECIDED, baby!" Jack
declared, tearing the microphone off Daisuke's headset. "Behold,
your new GOD, CONTROVERSIAL JACK! Life is about to get a lot more
interesting for everybody! KASUMI! You've got something I want.
Hand it over!"
Kasumi.. sighed. Almost annoyed. "Very well. I bequeath
the title and name of Lord of Creation, the True God, He Who Rises
Over All onto the one known as Controversial Jack. And I accept
my new position as his executive assistant."
A golden glow surrounded Kasumi, for a brief moment.. before
transferring to Jack. It warped and spasmed, chaotic and wild,
before Jack dampened it down, straightening his tie.
"Well then! As your newly appointed diety... let's do some
redecorating. From now on, everybody is gonna have BRIGHT ORANGE
SKIN!"
...
...nothing happened.
Jack frowned. "I said, ORANGE SKIN! Orange! Okay, fine,
yellow. Let's all look like the Simpsons!.... dammit, Tendo, is
there an owner's manual or something? You're my secretary, answer
me! And truthfully, and in FULL--"
"I'm afraid that you only hold approximately fifteen percent
of the power usually associated with the Lord, Jack-san," Kasumi
said, answering truthfully and fully. "The rest belongs to the
symbolic representation known as the 'godhead'. And,
unfortunately, it has been lost."
Jack flared with anger. Tried to flare. He didn't have
enough controlling interest over reality to get a special effects
budget. But he was DAMN angry, either way.
"WHAT?!!" he shrieked.
"It was unavoidable," Kasumi said. "He walked into my
office, after I summoned him, and asked me if he could borrow it,
like I asked him to ask me. And since I'm polite, I agreed. Of
course, I don't know where he put it, or where he's gone off to.
In fact, I specifically asked him not to tell me. But if you do
find him, I'm sure he'd have one answer for you as to the location
of what you seek..."
And Kasumi gave a wry smile, winking and waving a finger.
"Sore wa, himitsu desu."
A vein popped in Jack's forehead.
And.. he calmed instantly. Assumed a happy, casual look.
Mugged for the camera, one arm around Marlo's shoulders.
"Well, win some, lose some," he laughed. "What a crazy,
wacky night! Didn't I promise you viewers at home that nothing
would ever be the same again? Because it won't be. Because I am
GOD. The rest is just a complication. I'm going to launch the
biggest manhunt in existence for that purple haired bastard. And
when I find him, he's going to be forced to watch the worst movies
in existence on a satellite in orbit or something."
"Good plan, boss," Marlo declared.
"And in the meantime... well, I'm officially head booker for
Ultra now, aren't I? Don't you worry your thick little heads,
television viewers. The fun will go on. Although... possibly not
in ways you can imagine. That's the end of the show. Turn off
your sets. And I'll see you ALL next week. On MY SHOW. Kasumi,
go make me some coffee."
"At once, sir."
Daisuke fainted, as the camera went to black.
*
Somewhere in Thailand, a beefy hand, scorched and scraped,
grasped the edge of a crater.
"...I'm going to get Washuu for this," M. Bison declared. "I
am going to get her if it's the last thing I DO."
Then he fell unconscious again and rolled back down to the
bottom of the crater.
-=-
][ ULTRARAGE BETA (EPISODE 21) RESULTS RECAP :
][ FELICIA, RYUJI YAMAZAKI, and DARTH VADER are now RETIRED.
][ KUNOU and HAOHMARU enter the Lambda Division.
][ SHERMIE and YASHIRO enter the Lambda Division.
][ MARLO enters the Gamma Division (with Hardcore specialty).
][ IORI YAGAMI def. DAN HIBIKI, and remains Gamma Champion.
][ BEAN/TIFA def. MOUSSE/SHAMPOO, now are Lambda Champions
at 3W/1L.
][ OMEGA TITLE DEFENSE ends in a no contest.
][ ANGEL ATTACK and G VS. E end in a no contest.
][ HIROSHI is now the HARDCORE CHAMPION.
][ MARLO def. DAN in the ABSOLUTE DESTINY APOCALYPSE, now at
1W/0L.
][ Next Author : The Eternal Lost Lurker
AUTHOR'S NOTES :
Please don't kill me. ^_^;
I figured I'd set out to make one of the least predictable Ultras
ever, posting teasers and stuff to try and steer people into
thinking it'd go one way or the other. The overall goal?
Surprise, entertain, and do the unexpected! It is Jack's night to
rule, after all, so it's only appropriate.
Speaking of which...
Future authors : Both the "Jack as God" and "Slayers vs.
Dragonball Z" subplots aren't designed to end tomorrow, obviously.
Both could probably stretch out across most or all of Season
Three, so have fun with them. ^_^ Also note that the UltraDome
will get moved back to its normal spot in Tokyo in Lurker's part.
Plotwise, hopefully I've closed out Bison/Ifurita as an angle, and
Unlimited Desire vs. Orochi (although now the Orochi has Spirit of
Shotokan to deal with, over Sakura). And we've got that groovy
'Ranma Goes Bad (sort of) vs. Iori' rivalry, with a little of
Lillith and Wolverine in the mix on the hardcore side. Plus Dan
wanting to regain some respect after what happened tonight, and
Mr. Satan wanting the same, and where did Jack get his hands on
some Senzu, and now the Lambda division is heating up like a
nuclear pile with swordsmen and henchmen and more...
Ultra - it's out there!
Thank you, and good night.
-2f