The Tourists' Guide to Nerima
A Spamfic by Juuchan
Disclaimers: Ranma Nubinnoichi belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, who is a GODDESS.
I don't intend to make any money off this so don't worry. Nobody sue me, k?
I'm broke as it is. Besides, it's just spam.
Tourist's Guide To Nerima, Provided By Ritz Tours
Greetings! If you have recieved this guide, then that means you will be
joining
the tour trip to Nerima, Japan. As a Ritz Tours and NTG (National Touring
Guidelines) rule, everyone visiting Nerima must be sent one of these packets
to
read before visiting Nerima. It is heavily advised that you do read it for
your only safety since Nerima is although a tourist heavy place, it is also
slightly dangerous.
Here are a few rules to follow:
1. When touring Nerima, your tour guide will guide you to the appropriate
places
to visit. Please do not wander off, for some customers were never found
again. If
your guide decides to issue radio tracking systems, do not hesitate to put
them
on. It is for your best safety. You will also be provided with that map that
will tell you which areas to avoid most.
2. All meals will be provided to you in a resturaunt. If you cannot
identify a
food, or it doesn't smell right, please ask your guide. If your guide is not
avaliable and the person next to you is turning green, please call the
paramedics.
DO NOT TRY CPR.
3. When nearing the Furikan High, please watch out for the occansional flying
rubble and gravel. If you see that, call the tour guide.
4. Please do not place yourself on the thin white dotted line of the road for
red bicycles have a tendency to travel through that line and we do not wish
for
you to be run over.
5. Please do not rent one of the local helicopters out for a ride due to the
numerous cases of UFOes in the sky. Especially don't fly over an area marked
on the map in red TENDO DOJO.
6. Please do not try to hit on any of the girls in Nerima that bear body
language
of being chased or is chasing someone. Please also do not try to get the
attention of a pigtailed boy that is commonly seen wearing a red Chinese style
T-shirt.
7. Should you happen to see lightening flash and thunder boom (not
necessarily
in that order), please do not question its origin.
8. If you happen to be on the trip to visit the martial arts tournament, it
is
heavily advised not to brag about your skills.
9. If you happen to be on the trip to hunt down a person you want to kill, or
a person you wish to marry, please do not associate yourself too obviously at
first sight. Recent members who have done that were sent to the emergency
ward
of the local hospital three times before never going again.
10. Last, but not least, when your guide tells you to run like the entire
army
of Shaka Zula is after you, you do that. Note: Due to the scarcasm our
customers
have treated this rule to, this is mandatory. It will help you avoid serious
hospital bills.
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Ritz Tour's Insurance Policy
During your visit in Nerima, we are providing a fully covered insurance
paid by the Nerima Ward. Due to the scarcity in local Nerima hospitals,
should
you ever get hurt, please visit Dr. Ono Tofu. Your tour guide will provide
the
address for the wonderful good doctor moves around constantly. However, it is
noted that if there is a woman with brown hair in a ponytail with him, you are
to run as fast as possible away from him.
Please note: Our insurance policy covers everything. However, if you
should happen recieve nicks and cuts from gravel, mallet whacks, cuts from
spinning razor sharp bandanna, spatulas, knifes, and other various assorted
tools that are not against the law, we are very sorry that we cannot cover
them.
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The Moving Mailbox Paradox
On several of our customers' trips, they have noted that a mailbox is
often parked outside the famous Ucchan's resturant. Apparently, it moves
around
every three hours or so (or when a group of teenagers come around fighting).
If
you should happen to see it, please inform the owner of the Ucchan's
resturant.
Thank you very much.
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The Tourist's Group Rules
Over the years, the tourists of Nerima themselves have voted on rules
they make themselves through majority vote. Once upon your completion in
visiting
Nerima, you will be asked to make one too. If you wish not follow the rules
above,
please listen to these.
1. Never talk to a man who has a pineapple growing on his forehead and has an
odd Hawaiian accent accented by a loud Hawaiian T-shirt (if you happen to look
like a teenager, don't even try if you've go medium to longer hair, both boys
and girls).
2. Never answer a young man who wears the tradition kimono robes half the
time and waves around a bukoto unless you want to hear poetry ranted at you.
3. Never buy or ask anything, even information, from a young teenage girl
with
a bob of mahogany hair unless you're carrying ten thousand US dollars around
in
your pocket.
4. Never make a bet in Nerima.
5. Never say "Hey, isn't that (insert girl or boy) cute/handsome or what?"
within
hearing range of teenagers..
6. Never visit the Tendo Dojo unless you have a death wish (and even then,
be sure
to wear neutronium armor over an abestos suit, and carry lots of money).
7. Never try to be a relationship doctor if you happen to see two or more
teenagers
arguing.
8. Never say you've got a black belt in Takwandoe and can kick anyone's @$$
in the hearing range of a red-shirted pigtailed boy/girl.
9. Never try to be an undercover detective/cop when in Nerima (the tendancy
to be
mistakened for someone else is very high).
10. Never go on this tour looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend.
11. Don't ever ask the cute redheaded girl out on a date. Past experiences
lead to the fact that if she doesn't maim you, someone will. Same goes for a
handsome pigtailed boy
(kenjiko).
12. If you you are a woman above the age of puberty and below menopause avoid
all
contact with the extremely short and very old lecher who wanders the streets
of
Nerima carrying out panty raids.. (Anne. m. Dix)
13. If you notice any amazingly cute small animals wandering around looking
lost
and or depressed it is advised you *do not * attempt to adopt them.
14. If you happen across any pins,braclets,brooches,necklaces, old scrolls,
old
buckets, odd but valuable looking weapons,strange herbs (especially around
the red marked areas on your map named Kuno or Neko ) and loose women's
lingre it is well advised you leave them where they lay.
15. If you enter *any* establishment and the first thing you hear is not
"Welcome" but "You look just like xxxxxxxx ",leave town immediately.
16. NEVER ask directions from any one wearing a black and yellow bandanna.
(13-16 from . . Codewell)
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Thank you for reading this! Remember our motto "Nerima is fun, pain is not!"
And the best way to avoid pain is to follow the rules!
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Okay, whadya expect? This is a spamfic (I'm
not sure if it's even a fic) and really
weird IMHO. Of course, I'm trying to attempt
humor here. . with my lack of humor (written
on a whim too).
E-mail if you have any to add (I usually send it
out if I get enough addition on the first^^)
Juuchan, the chibi jinzouningen
"I'm gonna rip your lungs out with a [spork!]"
--Lunchtime at my school and
Ultra!