Ah! The musty archives of the FFML. It has been some time since I have
walked these cyber halls, glorifying in the random thoughts, nonsense,
laughter, joy, and sorrow that inhabits the nooks and crannies of our
little corner of cyberspace. What has it been now, a year and a half?
That sounds about right, maybe longer, maybe shorter, but one thing is
for sure, the FFML hasn't changed too much. She still fits snuggly as a
glove, and envelopes me with the warmth of my favourite down-filled
comforter.
	To memories, today, and tomorrow! Cheers!
	Personally, I do not know if most of you remember me, or care to, but I
see many familiar faces and hear many familiar voices on the ML. And I
am glad to see so many new faces who i have never had the chance to met,
may we all get along smashingly, but, I dawdle. Instead of a simple
hello, I think I'll make my return productive and actually C&C
something, god forbid I should ever do that!

	Personally, i don't know why I chose this one, i think the title caught
my eye. it is an interesting one and made me wonder what the orginal
story was about, and besdies it is orginal, I can actually do more good,
and more damage, by helping this one along.. so onto a very interesting
story, or atleast start of one.

Allison M Yoneyama wrote:

                          The Beautiful Ghost of Yesterdays
                                    Chapter One

as I said, lovely title.

        The dark mage....[CUT}.... "So we shall begin it all very soon�" he whispered > and turned to leave.

okay, it is a catchy beginning, but I am not sure about a few things. IS
that supposed to be froma  computer game she is playing? After reading
the story twice, adn the begining three times, my answer is no, so you
might want to put a little bit more of a break between the wizard scene
and the introduction of Yuremi. If it is meant to be a copmputer game,
then keep it exactly as it is, because it works very well, but you might
want to clean it up, so that we know it is a computer game, maybe having
the mother shout something about, "You had better not be playing any
games!" instead of what you have, that is of course if it is a computer
game, which I am highly doubting... are you confused yet?.. good, so am
I.

oh yes, a few things. long blood red cloak has a comma after long... so
[long, blood red cloak] long describes coat as does blood red, always
separate adjectives with a comma. 

a style sugestion as well, you might want to add a more metaphorical and
simile approach to the opening. Fanatasy is usually written in that
flowery language of images and orginal turns of phrase... but that is
just my preference, not a rule to follow.

        "That was close," she sighed and jumped as the telephone rang.  She ran
over and picked it up before her mother could.  "Hello?"
        "Be ready," the voice on the other end told her and hung up.  She stared
at the phone for a minute then hung up.  <Be ready?> Yuremi thought for a
moment then brightened and jumped down the stairs two at a time.

you have used jumped twice here, it is repetitive and sounds
lacidasical. Try somethig like started as the phone rang, or bounded
down the stairs. You can keep one jump, but lose the other.

        "Be back in a minute!!" she called and ran out the door, grabbing her
purse.  As she ran she pulled her hair into a ponytail and smoothed out
her jeans.
        "Yo!  Yuremi!" a tall boyish looking man ran up and threw a Coca-Cola to
her.  She caught it and waved to him.
        "Konnichiwa, Yukijiko!  What�s going on?  Why�d you call me?" she hugged
her friend and waved to the others.  "Hey, guys!!"
        "Well, you were about twenty minutes late and we were worried, baka,"
Yukijiko landed a soft knock on her head and led her over.  "Why wouldn�t
I call?"
        Yuremi shrugged, "I don�t know."

a little more description here would be nice, especially with the large
conversation that follows between the entire group. Thee are too many
people here who play an important role, and they are all introduced at
once. Thjis seriously confuses the reader and makes it difficult to
follow the flow of dialogue whil getting a handle on the characters
themselves. it is always better to introduce character one or two at a
time, so you can ge tthe details and personality down pat, and then
expand on them as other charatcers enter the story.  t'll make the
narrative run smoother and allow you to develope the characters more.
Backstory is always useful to areader. Remmber, these are original
characters, we don't know them from an anime, so you have to introcduce
us to them and make us like or hate them. Right now I am indifferent to
all of them.

        They all piled into a large beat-up truck and went off down the road.
It was just a usual outing for eighteen year old people.  They stopped
off at a McDonalds before running over to the local hangout, the
SakuraTix. The SakuraTix was a park, stadium, gaming center, and a dance
club.  Yuremi, Yukijiko, Daisuke, Chika, and Hikaru pushed their way past
the normal hoard of people and found a small bench still open.  They sat
down and pulled out their dinners.

Okay one cultural note. If they are in Japan, which I am assuming they
are since they are throwing around Japanese phrases like bread crumbs to
ducks, then I doubt 18 year olds would have a car, much less a large
truchk which would have a hell of atime on the narrow Japanese streets.
Most people in Japan, especially youngr people, take bikes or ride the
trains and/or buses around. The trains and subways go everywhere, so it
is very convenient for everyone involved.
the train or subway is alos a great way to add backstory, fill the reade
rinon what is going on, and to also spend time with two or three
characters by themselves, before meeting up with the fourht and fifth at
the destination.

        "Chika really doesn�t like Hikaru-chan does she?" Yuremi watched the
proceedings with a mild interest.
        "Nope," Yukijiko was sitting on top of the table, directly behind Yuremi
.  "But I�m glad Daisuke is defending him.  Poor Daisuke has to do that a
lot."
        "Hikaru just needs to learn how to control his voice.  That baka doesn�t
know what his words do to poor Chika.  She likes him you know."
        "Really?" Yukijiko looked at Chika, now pounding on Hikaru.  "Doesn�t
seem like it�"
        "Well, you�re not a girl for one thing and you weren�t told," Yuremi
leaned back and hit his knees.  "Move over!"

this is a little confusing. Yuremi contradicts herself in this dialogue
first saying Chika doesn't like Hikaru, and then that she does. So which
is it, or is it someone else speaking, and if it is, you are going to
have to make us aware of that fact.

        Yuremi sighed and shook her head, "Hey, Yuki, do you think we should get
some normal friends?"

Yuremi seems to sigh a lot. MAybe she shoud try a different approach? 
Or just a different word.

        "Normal friends? What and lose the entertainment?  No way," Yuki laughed
and closed his eyes.  "When was the concert supposed to start?"
        "Around nine," Yuremi looked over at the stage and noticed some more
people setting things up.  "It�s going to take another hour."
        Suddenly Hikaru stomped up and leaned down to Yuremi, "Hey, Yure, can I
borrow your purse for a minute?"
        "Why?" Yuremi grabbed her purse defensively.
        "Okay, how about anything else?" he rubbed his head and motioned towards
the other program.
        "Yeah, go ahead," she nodded and watched as Hikaru snatched the booklet
and ran back into the fight screaming: "Payback!!"
        Yuremi laughed and looked over her shoulder to talk to Yuki.  Her
laughter froze and caught in her throat.
        "Yure, what is it?" Yuki waved his hand in front of her and followed her
gaze.  There was someone in a blood red robe pointing at them.

Okay, you at least have me interestedin what is going to happen next. I
don't know what the plot is about, or what the hell is going on, but I
am interested. I would like a lot more character development and
interaction that isn't just fighting to start things out. The way this
is set up really throws the reader into a situation in which he/she can
easily get lost in. Now, that is okay with some kinds of stories, but
not this one. i think we need a little more background on the
characters, mostly so we can start getting a feel for whther we like
them or not.

OPther than that, a fairly good effort. I'd liek to see the revision adn
the next part.  Keep up the good work!


until next time
Joseph A. Kohle

	"To write is easy, to write well is difficult, to write and inspire is
a gift."

	-words to myself