First off, this is a LEMON...when you start talking about folds and 
petals....LIME is no longer a consideration.  *insert profuse blushing*  
Just know Kenji-kun that big sis will be reading NO MORE of your LEMON/LIME 
series.  But I did check the plot, content, etc....

Ranma awoke next to a very naked Shampoo; nothing unusual, so he went into 
a
standard anxiety attack of 'Akane's gonna kill me if she sees this'. As 
correct

better:  get rid of the 'of' and make this more active.  Por ejemplo: ...so 
he went int a standard anxiety attack, "Akane's gonna kill me if she sees 
this," he muttered.

as that reason might have been, it could not be put to the test as he 
realized
that she was nowhere in the building. As he rose groggily, he went through

better:  As is great but with such a large number of uses in this one 
paragraph.  Time to start rephrasing.  Recheck all sentences with 'as'.  Por 
ejemplo:  He rose groggily, trying to find an explanation for this.
better:  if you use the words 'this' or 'that', try to follow them with a 
noun.  Standard practice and it helps the reader understand what you are 
referring to this as in being naked, this as in Akane not being there...etc

the explanations for this. He remembered passing out a great deal 
yesterday,
as well as an attack from the duck-boy. Then Shampoo had come in and told
him what happened to get him in the Nekohanten and he started...
	He threw the sheets aside and was out of the bed in a flash. Taking
in Shampoo's full condition in a vain attempt to hope it was all a 
horrible,
but pleasurable dream, his heart deflated even more. Her face was still
flushed, her hair hanging in wild clumps matted to her head with sweat that
hadn't dried. Her nipples were very erect, and everything below her hips
was soaked in fluids and blood, her blood. Daisuke told him about how
they tend to bleed somewhat after their first...

better:  bleed, not hemorrhage!!!!  A few drops from a bad paper cut.  Also, 
elipses can be you best friend or worse enemy, utilize them lightly.

	The reaction went from shock to fear. His world had just taken a
serious Y-turn toward a cliff, and showed no such signs of stopping. If
anyone got a hold of this, he was screwed; a splintered broomstick and
no grease up the wrong hole. And what about Akane? Surely after this, even

better:  there is only one hole...nevermind. ^_^

though she didn't trust him before, she'd never trust him again, and that
meant more pummeling.
	Ranma sat down for air, not taking note where he was sitting,

better:  it's fiction and a story, you want the reader to be active in the 
story.  So don't make the story passive by using 'was', 'is', 'are' 'all 
derivations of the word _to be_' plus another verb.  Por ejemplo:  Ranma sat 
down, trying to breath.  He did watch where he sat, which was...

which was directly on Shampoo's ankle. The skin touch [contact] sent jolts 
through
him that nearly sent him to edge, while the purple-haired Amazon merely
whimpered in her sleep about airen being gentler. He gasped and shuddered
as the lightning finished its way through his body. The fire not only was
back; it was blazing. He looked at her with a different light, the one of
hunger. All he needed was to quell it, silence its call with a little 
kindle...
	As if she sensed his sudden and rather savage need, she whimpered once 
more.
This shook Ranma out of the trance, and quickly into his boxers and pants.
[Time to get out of here, and fast.] He was out of the window and down the
street then, leaving Shampoo to her not so relaxing dreams.

*****************************

	It was getting worse by the moment. Even as he walked down the street,
doing his best to ignore what had happened, the fire just kept increasing.
It really didn't help that it was a rather hot day, and the female populace
had decided to dress for the weather. Every time he looked up, it was a
fight not to rush one of them in his desperation for release. He began to 
jog
himself into a basic kata, striving to get his mind away from his 
predicament.
Gradually his focus was set into the techniques. However, since this is
Ranma, the peace just can't be had. He had just finished a kick when he

better: kinda uncomfortable, that sentence is.  Por ejemplo:  However, since 
when has Ranma existed in peace.  Just makes it a bit clearer.

bumped into someone.

*****************************

	Akane was out for her morning jog, fuming all the way. That baka hadn't
even come in last night. Add on to the fact that he hadn't even spoken to

Better:  get rid of 'on to' and then sentence is fine...well, tolerable.

her yesterday, and you have an angry Akane, not a healthy thing for a 
certain
pigtailed martial artist. Then she bumped into someone. Her subconscious,
having pitied the poor lad, slowed the process of acknowledging who it was
in order to give him time to escape. It was of course a futile effort. The
apology died on her throat when her eyes locked on his face.
	"Ranma! Just where have you been! You had us worried..."
	She stopped her tirade/flight preparations took close note of the fetal
position that the boy was in.
      "Ranma?" His response was a rather violent shake and faint mumbling.

*****************************

	Ranma fought hard with the growing desire within. Even her voice seemed
to strike super sensitive chords that allowed the fire to rage through him.
His head swirling, he stumbled into a sitting position, all the while 
hastily
thinking of an escape from her presence. A hormonally unbalanced brain came
up with a simple notion, and it was reluctantly carried out.
"I was tryin' to shake off the effects of your cooking." The aura flared.
	"I was also afraid that you might have seconds around." The hammer was in

Better:  you left around too vague.  Por ejemplo:  I was also afraid that 
you might have stashed seconds around HERE.  At this point, the same grammar 
and coherence points come up.  Just check the overall story to eliminate 
them and bring the story into more focus.  Suggestions here on out will just 
be a word need to be replaced or used differently

its ready position.
	"Besides, if I want to get away from such an uncute fiancee for an 
evening,
why should I tell her about it?"
	The contact was made, and a visibly relieved Ranma was sent on his way.
It would have been perfect if it wasn't just fifteen feet away and still
in sight of Akane instead of the usual LEOMA status. He slumped against the
wall he had just impacted, cursing silently. Akane ran over to him, mallet
raised, and began a rather harsh conversation via the mallet and her feet.
Satisfied that he had gotten the point, she stomped off. Ranma was out
cold, and quite thankful that she didn't see the results of her constant
contact.

*****************************

IT'S SNOWING, IT'S SNOWING.  ^_^

	It was about noontime when Cologne awoke from her forced sleep. She yawned
the last of her drowsiness away and dressed herself proper for the day, 
though
she doubted that any work would get done in the restaurant. Shampoo was no
doubt still in the state that her husband had left her in, and Mousse was
probably catatonic with ideas of revenge. She snickered to herself. 
Whatever
drug the young martial artist had taken, it had just made her job much more
simple. With a claim like this, Ranma would be on his way to China with no
further interference.
	Cologne pogoed to Mousse's room and opened the door. What greeted her
vision was not a couple enjoying their rest, but one still-sweaty amazon
tossing in her sleep and an open window. She shrugged, no real problem. He
wouldn't be able to escape what he did, and then they were off back to the
village. [What a pleasant event it will be too,] she thought on her way 
down
the stairs. [I'll finally be able to pass my bond ornaments on, and then
wait until she makes Matriarch, and has plenty of future leaders running 
around
my feet...]
	The daydream of the pitter-patter of little martial artist was dropped,
as well as her stomach when she entered the kitchen. The shear viciousness

better:  Like I said, the rest is coherency issues that can be addressed by 
replacing a word or phrase Por ejemplo:  ...artist feet faded and Cologne's 
stomach lurched when she entered the kitchen.

in the way that the cage was ripped apart told Cologne that Mousse did not
sleep well at all last night. This certainly could do some damage to 
things,
as the duck-boy was officially out of control and very dangerous. Normally,
she wouldn't be so afraid, but the ease at which Saotome was defeated the
previous day wasn't building her confidence in any way. For once she 
silently
cursed the toxins that could curse her family's continuation.

*****************************

	Dizzily, the young Saotome stumbled into a nearby alley. His hormones
were set ablaze, and had taken control of his body, making every nerve 
crackle
with electricity. The tomboy had not aided the situation in the slightest,
as he was craving even the slightest sensations now, including the all too
familiar senses of pain; all of it due to the touch of another person.
	He didn't even take notice of someone hitting him from above with a good
amount of cold water. Her only reaction was a rather violent shake, and 
then
she continued hobbling on her way. She raced her mind and tried to focus 
what
was doing this to her, and came up with blank. That is, until her stomach
rumbled.
	Of course! Akane's mystery food! This chemical reaction was all Akane's
doing! All she had to do now was concentrate long enough to get to someone 
that
could help. Maybe the old ghoul...
	That one option was quickly destroyed. No doubt Cologne had already put 
reservations in for a chapel somewhere, and that meant avoiding her and her
granddaughter at all cost. That only left Tofu, and the chances for a cure
were even slimmer there. Her planning was interupted by someone making him 
take note of how sensitive her breast were by squeezing them.
	"Ranchan!" Ukyo hugged her, and backed away slightly at her rather
emotional whimper. "Ranchan, what's wrong?" She stepped back even further 
and
watched as Ranma fell to her knees, shivering uncontrollably. She picked 
the
girl up and carried her into the restaurant. "Konatsu!" she called to the
ninja.
	He turned from his work serving the customers as she walked in. "What is
it Ukyo-sama?" The body in her hands was quickly put in his. "Take Ranchan
upstairs and put her and wash her off please? I'll take care of things down
here." Konatsu hurried with Ranma's body up the stairs, as Ukyo went about

better:  lose the word 'body' in this last sentence.  Sounds like the poor 
dear is dead, not just really, really horny.

systematically dispatching the rest of the customers in the store. [I'll
be up to check on you soon Ranchan.]

*****************************

	Konatsu sat the still shacking Saotome on a bench and went about cleaning

better:  'shacking'/shacking up: to sleep or live together as unmarried 
partners.  'shaking':  to tremble as a result of physical or emotional 
disturbance.

her up. Ranma however put a shivering hand to Konatsu's before he could
continue.
	"Please Konatsu, I can take care of it."
	The ninja looked at the girl. "It is no problem Ranma-san. I can..." The
grip was slightly strengthened, and she looked into his eyes. Konatsu was
taken aback. He wondered what had happened to the girl, as her grip was
despite its reinforced strength, was still rather weak. And her eyes...
"Of course Ranma-san. Will you need anything?" The girl shook her head.
"Very well. I'll be outside if you need me." With that the feminine-clad 
man
left the bathroom, putting horrid thoughts in the back of his head. That
look was of pure hunger and passion, and from Ranma of all people. So why
was he attracted to it?

*****************************

	Akane had just stomped in the door when she was assaulted by Soun and
Genma.
	"Akane, have you seen that worthless son of mine?" The bald man asked.
	"I just ran into the baka. You think he would have even called in. No

better:  a true pet peeve of mine is ending a sentence in a preposition like 
'in' or 'on'.  In this case, just leaving the preposition off the sentence 
makes it run smoother.  American culture tends to use more words than 
necessary in some instances, this is one of them.  Por ejemplo:  You think 
he would have called.  Also, 'even' is not modifying anything, it doesn't 
enhance a sentence, just weighs it down.  Gomen if this stuff ain't clear.

doubt he was probably over that Chinese bimbo's last night!" She continued
on her way, leaving a weeping father and an angry man at the door.
She went upstairs and donned her karate gi, and went to the dojo. After
a few warm-ups, the brick and dummy slaughter began. She was through the 
fourth
set when Nabiki walked in on her, sans the camera.
	"Hey Akane, Kasumi says to wash up for lunch." She took note of the
victims lying around on the floor. "And you might want to clean this up
afterward." She shook her head. "Akane, you can't get him this way. I take 
it
when you left him, he didn't look any different than this?" she said 
pointing
to one of her earlier victims.
	"Why in the world would I want that baka in the first place?" There wasn't
enough fire in the reply to make Nabiki drop it like she usually would.
	"Something happened to Ranma?"
	Akane sighed. "Can this wait?" Nabiki shrugged and left, and Akane began
cleaning up, Ranma sticking in the back of her mind.
	Inside, Nabiki was lounging in the table while Kasumi was taking
dishes to the dining table. She sighed once more. "Those two will never get
along at this rate. I wonder if daddy might pass him to one of us?"
	Kasumi just looked at her sister worriedly. "What happened to Ranma
now?"
	"She wouldn't say. I imagine she's done something that hit him worse
than usual. She actually seemed more than her usual stubborn caring-self
when I talked to her."
	"I'm sure they will come around eventually." Kasumi allowed a smile to
back her confidence.
	Nabiki helped Kasumi with the shattered dishes on the ground. "That's a
pretty long eventually sis." Kasumi sighed.

*****************************

	Ranma put down the queasiness in her stomach and continued to wash down.

better:  try another phrase.  'put down' isn't appropriate for the the 
action you speak about in this sentence.

Somewhat calmer now, she pondered on what to do to remain calm. The fire 
seemed
to burn every time she had human contact, [Which would explain why I had 
gone
berserk when Akane was kicking me,] she thought. Well, simple enough goal: 
avoid
contact with others, or lose control. She emptied the bucket over he head,
and sighed in the relief that followed. [Yeah, the curse would help me out
for once]. Her theory was about to be tested, as Ukyo had just walked in 
with
some shower articles.
	"Ucchan?"
	"What happened to you Ranchan? You were shacking like a leaf down there.
Care to tell me why?"
	Taking note on what he devised earlier, she averted her eyes, as they had

better:  this sentence is too long, causing coherence issues.  Keep it brief 
unless you are trying to describe something.  Por ejemplo:  Following her 
plan, Ranma averted her eyes....
better:  Also, pronouns are a bit tricky to handle because you don't want to 
keep saying the persons name over and over again so you add a 'he' there or 
a 'him' here to cut down on it.  Don't add a 'she' and 'her' in the same 
part of a sentence because it may confuse you and the reader.  That is why I 
changed it to "Ranma averted her eyes."

become suddenly obsessed with Ukyo's leggings. "Something happened with 
Akane's
recent meal, and it's done somethin' funny to me." Her face took a deep 
shade
of red. "I get... aroused everytime I'm touched by somebody."
	Ukyo's face went through a series of emotions: Shock, surprise, humor,
intrigue, and worry. It settled on intrigue and worry. "That's a little 
weird
Ranchan, even for you. Does Akane know?"
	She shook her head. "Not as far as I know. What I need right now is to get
to Dr. Tofu's and see what I can do about a cure." Ranma finally noticed 
that
she was talking to herself, as Ukyo seemed to be elsewhere. "Ucchan?"
	She focused back on him, a look of caution painted in her eyes. "How bad
has it gotten?"
	Ranma began blushing again. "It really doesn't matter, I just need
something to cure it."
The bullet was dodged, and Ukyo sat down by her, setting a hand on her
shoulder. She marveled at the sudden change. Ranma tensed and whimpered
slightly, and her nipples hardened. Ukyo's heart sank a little lower. 
"Ranma
please. I know I'm your friend, but I've got to know as your innazuke." Her
eyes marked with fear met her blue ones full of shame. "How bad has it
gotten?"
	Ranma seemed to shrink into herself. She had a definite idea of how Ukyo
felt about her, so the truth would more than likely be another dagger into 
her
heart. She swallowed, ignoring the fire that was smoldered, but starting to 
eat
at the new source of kindling. "Shampoo was taking care of me when I passed
out from a fight. I know she didn't know, because I was still tryin to 
figure
it out myself." She saw the pain build in Ukyo's eyes. She bit her lip and
continued. "I dazed out, and took advantage of her. She's probably still 
asleep
in Mousse's room."
	Ukyo's heart sank into her feet. She backed away from Ranma, tears
streaking down her cheek. [I can take this,] she thought. [It was only the
drug, not him. He only had sex with her. He didn't make love to her...] She 
felt
arms wrap her, and broke down afterward, crying into Ranma's naked chest.
	"Damnit why? Why can't you love me? What have I done to hurt you like
this?"
	Ranma was taken aback. "Ucchan please. I never try to hurt you or anyone."
	"But you do you jackass! Everytime, it's Akane, or the Amazon
bimbo, or someone that just happens to catch sight of you! Your always
comforting them, but only come to me with the emotional baggage!

Readers musings:  *sweatdrop* didn't she just ask for this very same baggage 
fresh off an 12 hour AirTran flight?

I..." she let

out a sob. "I'm not blaming you for that, but why can't you just come and
comfort me?"

Reader's musings:  "Kiss me, out on the beared barley.  Nightly, beneath the 
green green grass.  Swing Swing...."  ^_^

	Ranma became aware of the fire once more as she hugged Ukyo tighter. [Aw
man, not now.] Her head went spinning as she watched her start to babble 
herself
into a lower pit of depression. She became aware of everything about her. 
The
smell of okonomiyaki in her chestnut hair, her slim petite figure wracking 
with
her sobs, her wrapped chest torturing the naked flesh of her breast and
stomach. [No! not to her!] She unwrapped herself from Ukyo, but was caught
by a shivering arm.
	"Please Ranma, please don't run. Don't leave me again. I'll do anything

Reader's musing:  nani?

you want, including giving up my claim on you, but please don't run from me
again. Not like this." She started to massage Ranma's breast, while undoing
her uniform sash. "Do anything you want to me, just don't run from me." The
sash fell to either sides of her hips, and she brought the other hand to
Ranma's chin, pulling her mouth to Ukyo's.
	Ranma's eyes went wide with a swirl of confusion, desire, and... fear? She
was afraid? The thought as well as the feeling was completely foreign, how
could she possibly be scared of anything happening at the moment?
	The answer came with a moan into Ukyo's mouth. She was afraid of pain. Not
hers, but Ukyo's. This was going to destroy the chef in the long run. She 
was
doing nothing except allowing herself to be comforted with a moment of 
passion
that would mean nothing to Ranma herself.
	And in the fear of that, Ranma found horror, as there was nothing he was
doing to stop her. The drugs had gained the upper hand in the fight for 
control.
She summoned every ounce of strength she had, and violently pulled from the
intoxicating embrace. "Ukyo," Her breath came to her in short ragged gasp, 
and
her temperature was making the coolness of the water that still dripped off
of her evident, "We can't do this. It's empty, can't you see that?"
	But Ukyo didn't stop. She backed the girl to the wall of the bath, eyes
fragile and pleading. "Ranchan...Ranma, can't we have this? Can't 'I' have
you?" She put her right hand to Ranma's chest and continued her massaging
and caressing. Her other hand was ran the length of the redhead's belly, 
then
sank in between her thighs. Ranma could only gasp as her body responded,
and she once again lost control.

*****************************

	Akane fumed silently in the street. She was fuming due to the source of
her anger that had yet to show himself. Secretly, she was worrying as well. 
One

Reader's musing:  So before Ranma gets home he/she/shim is going to lay the 
following people:  Ukyo, Kuno (he was hungry, went into the restaurant and 
the pigtailed goddess pounced on him), Shampoo (when she wakes up), Moose 
(he finds new uses for his weapons), Ryoga (who was just looking for a way 
to Haagen daaz ice cream shop), Cologne (pogo stick, 'nuf said), Happossai 
(who becomes Ranma's love slave), the Nerima band (so many drummers, so 
little time), Kasumi and Nabiki (at the same time), Soun and the panda (they 
walked in on Kasumi and Nabiki and Ranma got to have it, champagne room or 
no!), Shampoo (stupid girl can't stay sleep), some martial artist who 
challenged Ranma...but AKANE ain't gettin' none!  Okeday....^_^

thing she had known Ranma for was a tolerance to pain. So why was he 
whimper-
ing at her every hit? Observant senses also noticed a weird scent in the
air as she was walking away. She still couldn't recognize why she blushed
over it.
	She sighed. The only thing left to do now was go find the baka, to yell
at him of course. But still, it would be nice to put the anxiety to rest 
and
find out what is going on with him.

*****************************

	Ukyo played gently with the girl's folds around her delicate flower. Her
hand became covered in sweet honey, and the musky scent was enough to make

Reader's musing:  Let's just say after that sentence, I scanned ahead 
kenji-kun.  *mutters about testosterone levels being off balanced along with 
imagination and how the hell can honey be musky?*

<<<SNIP FOR READER'S SAKE.  GOOD GOSH MAN!!  *severe blushing*>>>

****************************

	Fate has been known to be unwittingly cruel when it comes to human life.
Situations always take an even greater nosedive when it makes its presence
known when things just couldn't possibly get any worse.

<<snipped out random stuff>>>

....by the

entrance when she heard the shout of Ukyo and Kami's name?
	One thing's for sure, he is in for it now.

better:  This last part should be titled 'Author's notes'.  That way you can 
get away with being completely incoherent, dangling particples, incompete 
sentence, run on sentences, mismatched verbs and the like.

Okay, my over all review.  The wake up scene adds a nice touch.  I could 
tell at the beginning you had a great idea of where you were going and 
toward the end, maybe through too many suggestions or too many ideas, you 
lost the beaten path.  In the end, this may be good but you'd have to spend 
more time in your planning phase to find out if this new path is for you.  
With the exception of the porn scene, I like the way you presented the 
story.  There is an extreme verbiage issue at several points in the story 
and your grammar causes major comprehension problems.  Sometimes you have to 
get to the point quicker and other times walk slowly to take in the full 
view.

As far as characterization, I will give you leeway on Ranma as he is drugged 
and everything.  This must be Akane early on, but if this is an Akane early 
on in the story, half of those characters shouldn't be around, sugar.  Akane 
by the time Ukyo shows up would actually take a moment to reflect before 
sending Ranma into low earth orbit.  Shampoo is a whole 'nother can of 
beans.  Luckily she is sleep so I can't critique her too much, but 
nonetheless, I don't see her and Ranma getting along well enough for her to 
nurse anything on the boy.  But I haven't read the manga.  I do compliment 
you on keep some character's in the background.  A lot of authors try to 
pull every single person that every showed up on a anime into the story and 
get totally lost.  And that is the bottom line because...you know. :):)

Mallet scale:  the more mallet's you have the better the work, I think. :)  
With a average mallet scale of 3 or more, I might actually MST the work. 
:):)

5 mallet (excellent presentation.  Your insults were perfect, I couldn't 
have done better but you've been knocked into LEO)
4 mallets (great understanding, one more insult and it might have been 
excellent.  Definitely a hospital trip.)
3 mallets (you insulted me enough to get my attention.  For that I had to at 
least pound ya for sticking around long enough to pound ya.)
2 mallets (unclear and not organized.  you might have been insulting me but 
I totally missed it.  The look you gave me warranted a knock on the head or 
two, though)
1 mallet (um, extinguish the fire of your work and start over.  I beg 
ya...for humanities sake.  I never even heard you calling out my name.    I 
hit you for just being pathetic)

Plot: 3 mallets
Grammar:  2 mallets
Punctuation: 4 mallets
Characterization:  2.5 mallets
Creativity:  5 mallets
Avg:  3.3


Lucien
Dork Squire Supreme, Jedi Knight and Protectress of ISAD.

******************************************

"I am pleased to meet you. I need you to kill me.  No one else will."
--Elassar, "X-Wing:  Solo Command"

********************************************

Girl:  "Mom, I want to be a handmaiden when I grow up."
Mom:  "You mean like a handmaiden from that story, "A Handmaiden's Tale"?"
Girl:  "Not even close mom. A real handmaiden like Queen Amidala's
handmaidens.  I already picked a blaster, it is a small holdout blaster.
See?"

*******************************************

"Damn morning people, annoying, cheerful, energetic morning people.  People
better off dead.  Shoot them just on principle.  Blaster, near.  Shoot.  No.
Stay.  In bed.  Forever.  My place, my bed.  Mine, mine."

        "Stuff" by Gheorghe2



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