This is just a draft, so don't distribute it, ok?  (Don't worry, there
will be a distributable version along in a week or so.)  For now, just
looking for some C&C to spruce this up before it gets posted...

******

Getting paid ranked high on Lina's list of pleasures.  It ranked, in
fact, just below eating more than her body mass in one sitting.  And
beating up bandits.  And knowing that she had saved the world yet again.
And...well, ok, maybe it wasn't the highest on her list, but it was
pretty high.  Definitely better than hearing someone make yet another
comment on her chest, at least.

And so, hearing someone try to weasel out of paying her made Lina
understandably annoyed.  "FIREB..."

"Wait!"  Nabiki held up her hands in defense.  "I was just going to say,
I found something you might like instead of the money."

Lina eyed God's mercenary sister with suspicion, but let her hands fall
to her side.  "Like what?"

"Well..."  Nabiki cast a furtive glance around.  Her check revealed no
one, as expected: the UltraDome, a hive of human (and alien, and
android, and almost every other type of life - sentient or not,
biological or not, even known or not) life during fight nights, was
suprisingly empty on other days.  The massive stadium was almost like a
ghost town, save for the occasional maintenance crew doing their job, or
fighter with nothing better to do than train.  "Like a cure for your,
umm, 'condition'."

One of Lina's eyebrows twitched, but she kept her anger in check.  "Go
on."

Nabiki pulled out a black, clamshell-shaped box, and opened it to reveal
two red pills.  "They're called 'Buxomize Pills'.  The exact amount of
their effect is a bit random, but they might be able to get you to my
size."

Lina sized up Nabiki's...sizable...endowments.  Her pupils slowly shrank
to mere dots.

Nabiki opened her mouth to offer more encouragement, when her hands
abruptly felt empty.

Lina gazed intently at the box, eyes wide with delight, before kneeling
and closing her eyes in prayer.   "Thank you, Kasumi-kami-sama, for this
boon.  I pledge not to misuse the power you have lead me to, and..."

"Hello?"

Lina blinked.  "Washu?"

The cutest scientific genius in the universe considered dropping a
random blunt object on Lina for forgetting the '-chan', but decided
against it since time was of the essence.  "Hi, Lina.  Hi, Nabiki.  Say,
have either of you seen my breast reduction pills?"

"...*reduction*?"

"Yeah, they look just like...oh, you've got them!"  Washu took the pills
and box from Lina's outstretched hand.  "You weren't about to take
these, were you?"

"Uhh..."

"I hope not.  That would have created a disaster of cosmic proportions."

Lina blinked.  "Huh?"

"It'd take a while to explain all the details, but the first thing that
would have happened would be that you wouldn't have had breasts at all
anymore."

Nabiki sweatdropped as Lina cast a cool glance at her.

"Anyway, thanks for returning 'em.  See ya!"

As Lina began to throttle Nabiki, Washu beat a quick but calm retreat.
While the pills were, in truth, what Nabiki had claimed, what Washu said
was not a total lie: there would have been a cosmic disaster if Lina had
taken the pills.  Kasumi was not the only one who could see forces which
most could not, and how those forces were kept in check by things as
seemingly innocuous as Lina having an underdeveloped chest.  One of the
things Washu prided herself on, though, was a willingness to at least
try to explain these forces if asked, even if most people knew so little
that the explanations were useless.  She thought it quite likely that
the frustration of having to repeatedly explain these things to those
who could not accept such truths, lead to refusing requests for
explanations with trivial nonsense such as, "That...is a secret".  Which
Washu had never said, and had no intention of ever saying.

Yet.

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Meanwhile, Kasumi was about to hear something that, ever since assuming
Her divine office, She had been very unused to hearing.

"No."

She blinked, suprised.  "Are you certain?"

"Yes.  I am certain that I do not wish to join Ultra and waste my time
fighting for your entertainment.  I came here for one reason, and once
my mission is done, I have no reason to stay."

"I'm sorry you feel that way..."

"Normally, I don't even do this; I do captures or clean kills only.
Then again, this is a fighting tournament.  The targets did set
themselves up to be roughed up, like you asked.  But all I want is to do
my job, get paid, and leave.  Save your concern for someone who cares.
Please."

"If that is truly how you feel...?"  Kasumi let the question hang for a
whole minute before continuing.  "Fine.  You shall receive your reward
after the match."  She walked away, sighing in dissapointment.

Only once She was gone did the other one mutter, "Save your concern for
someone who cares...about anything..."

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

                                 LIVE!
                          FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                         THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
                        IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
                          SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
                            AND IMPROFANFIC!
                            IT'S TIME FOR...

               {     M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R    }
               {   F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N  }
               {               .-----------.            }
               {               | U-L-T-R-A |            }
               {               `-----------'            }
               { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }

                        Omake: To Entice A Shell


"...TEEEAAAM HENTAAAIII!"

Even a crowd as inebriated on excitement as UltraRage's fans could still
recognize a bad pun.  Thus, it was not a suprise when a chorus of groans
greeted the lyrics of "Too Sexy".  Ataru and Happosai took it in stride,
waving to the few that cheered them on and leering at about half the
audience.

"For once, they don't seem to be going for random gropes as they make
their way to the ring.  Any idea why, Hiroshi?"

"They're saving their strength, of course!  And they're gonna need it!
One of their challengers is the most legendary bounty hunter in her
galaxy, and the other is known for incapacitating entire cities with her
voice alone!  Introducing...SAMUS ARAN AND JIGGLYPUFF!"

No fanfare blared to introduce the suit of orange battle armor or the
pink balloon-like creature, causing a bit of confusion until the latter
produced a microphone.

"Jigglypuff..."

"Uh-oh!  It looks like Jigglypuff's intent on singing her own entrance!
Everyone, quick, cover your ears!"

"Zzz..."

"Daisuke, I said cover your ears!"

"Zzz..."

Fortunately, the sound of Daisuke's snoring drowned out most of
Jigglypuff's song, long enough for Mario to bound up to the two.

"You know-a the rules.  No knockouts outside-a the ring."

"Puff!"  Jiggly inflated a bit, then continued to sing.  "Jiggl..."

Mario produced a needle.

"...ly...PUFF!"  The pokemon ran away as fast as its feet could carry
it.

"I've-a always wanted to do that."

Hiroshi, having moved Daisuke out of his microphone's pickup range,
noted that the staff mages were busily casting Revives into the more
sedate sections of the crowd.  "Samus may have a problem here.  As you
know, Lambda league requires two people on each team.  With her team
mate disqualified, how will Samus compete?"

Samus made a mental note to thank Kasumi for giving her a temporary link
into the UltraDome's internal PA system.  "I thought this might happen,
so I brought a backup.  May I introduce my new parner, Kirby!"

The crowd cheered long and hard as a new pink sphere bounded into the
arena, to the sounds of "Eat It".  Kirby spun and waved, lapping up the
attention, trying to greet the entire UltraDome at once.  He barely even
noticed when he floated down to ringside, landing on one of the corner
poles.

LAMBDA MATCH: TEAM HENTAI VS. SAMUS AND KIRBY.  FIGHT!

Ataru cast nervous glances towards the opposing duo.  "How're we going
to fight them?  I know I can't punch through the bounty hunter's armor,
and I don't know if the puffball *can* be hurt without some kind of
sharp object."

Happosai was only half-listening.  "Who cares?  Just get Kirby out of
the ring.  Don't you know what's *inside* that armor?"

Ataru sniffed.  "Samus may have the body of a woman, but she doesn't
think of herself as one.  She's more of an 'it'.  If she was sleeping
and we violated her, she wouldn't care enough to even wake up!  There's
nothing *to* violate, except her body."

Happosai sighed.  "You have much to learn, my pupil.  Now watch a master
in action!"  He climbed onto Ataru's head, and from there into the ring.

Only to be immediately inhaled by Kirby.

"WOW!  WHAT AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF...OF..."

"...suction?"

"THANK YOU, DAISUKE!  Hey, Dai, when'd you wake up?"

Ataru sweatdropped, then climbed into the ring.  "Let my master go,
you..."

Kirby swallowed.  His forehead grew a few wrinkles.

Samus noticed Mario doing nothing.  "Shouldn't you be counting?  They
can't both be in the ring for over ten seconds."

Mario spun in place, coming out in his doctor's uniform, and pulled a
poster-sized diagram of Kirby's digestive system from nowhere.  "Your
partner's-a stomach is in a pocket dimension-a.  Technically,
Happosai's-a outta the ring-a."

While Ataru stood in place, wondering whether he dared force open
Kirby's mouth so he could retrieve his master, Kirby leered at Samus and
ran towards her.

"You want me to take the kid out?"  Samus shrugged, and climbed into the
ring.  "Ok..."

Kirby leapt up and glomped Samus's breastplate...only to find nothing to
hold on to.  He slowly slid down her armor.

Samus's armor affirmed that it was, indeed, fully equipped with all the
necessities of life by engaging its hologramatic sweatdrop projector.

Kirby chased Samus around the ring for the next few seconds while Mario
counted down.

"Four!"

Ataru just stood in place, hoping to win by simply doing nothing, until
Samus rolled into a ball and into his shirt.  "Hey! Babe!  Guess I was
wrong about you after all!"  He started feeling his shirt, trying to
catch Samus.

"Three!"

The bounty hunter rolled to his back and burst out the rear of his
shirt, but not before leaving two lumps stuck to his chest right above
his nipples.

"Two!"

Ataru's eyes grew large.  "Whoa, mama!"  He eagerly began feeling
himself up.  "Kasumi must be smiling on me!"

"One!"

Kirby leapt onto Ataru, intent on sharing the goods.

"Ze-"

*ka-BLAAAM*

The bombs Samus left on Ataru's chest went off, sending Ataru into one
of the barriers separating the ring from the crowd, and Kirby into the
opposite barrier.  Ataru rolled off, clearly unconscious.  Kirby stuck
in one flat vertical puddle.

Mario bounded into the ring, holding up Samus's gun arm.  "The winners,
Samus and Kirby-a!"

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

For only the second time that day, Nabiki double-checked the check that
was destined for someone else.  As much as she loved acquiring wealth,
she disliked having to part with it, unless it was invested in the
pursuit of even more money.  Still, a deal was a deal, and Kasumi had
authorized a bounty for the bounty hunter.  "Here."

Samus glanced at the check, crumpled it, and moved to stuff it in her
gun hand.  "Worthless.  Your bank isn't recognized in my dimension.  I
need something I can take back."

"It's all I can *DO*.  Take it or leave it."  Nabiki silently prayed she
would leave it.

Lina appeared out of nowhere.  "Samus-san, is this woman bothering you?"

Before Nabiki could protest, Samus answered, "She's trying to skip out
on payment."

"Eh?"

Samus flicked her gun at Lina, expelling the not-yet-burnt check.  "I
can't use this."

"Oh.  Umm...maybe we could go exchange it?  You know, for gold or
diamonds?"

"Those things are cheap where I'm from.  I need information, or power."

"Power, huh?"  Lina smiled.  "Tell you what.  Why don't I teach you
something you could never get back home?  Magic."

"What's the catch?"

"Catch?  Come on, us bounty hunters gotta stick together.  Why do you
think I told you about the reward for beating up Happosai?"

"Because you got a referral fee for bringing in a new fighter."

Lina sweatdropped, then tried to brush the drop behind her head with one
hand.  "Yeah, well...ok, I'll take this as a tuition fee."  She held up
the check.  "And you've gotta stay around here, which means you're going
to rack up a few more fights."

"I'll talk to Kirby..."

"Oh, Kirby's already agreed.  He'll do anything to get an audience."

Although no one could see through Samus's green visor, both Lina and
Nabiki could swear they heard her eyes roll.  "I've been set up, haven't
I?"

"Oh, don't be so paranoid."  Lina took her arm.  "Next you're going to
tell me Kasumi set this up."

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Kasumi smiled on what she had set up.

When she first glimpsed this soul, it screamed to her for redemption.
Empty and burned out by a lifetime of witnessing the cruelty, hatred,
and utter thoughtlessness of sentients acting at their worst, Samus had
slaved herself to her work, becoming little more than the robot she
looked like.  That she almost never took off her armor was as much a
testament to her desired inhumanity as it was a ward against suprise
assaults or assassination.

And yet...somewhere, deep inside, hope still glimmered.  Kasumi spied
that hope, and knew she had to nuture it, bring it out and let it live.
But she could only do that where she held power...and the UltraDome best
suited her needs.

Still, she had almost lost Samus, just then.  Only a last minute plea to
Lina had saved the day.  Lina would be well rewarded for keeping Samus
around, and for not telling anyone who had requested this service.

Samus would know the truth, when the time was right.  But for now,
that...was a secret.

---

Author's Note:

I'll admit, there's not much source material about Samus, but it seems
plausible that this is because Samus does not have that much character
to begin with.  She cares about her own survival, true, and she gets
revenge on those who cross her (and only those)...but other than that,
is there anything there?  If not, that would certainly attract Kasumi's
maternal instincts like a moth to a flame...and, once Samus has arrived,
the attention of anyone with money who wanted some extra muscle.  (Not
turning hero and betraying their master is a something that evil
overlords typically value, for good reason, in henchmen.)