Well, here's the first draft of chapter two of Pagliacci

	Enjoy, and feel free to take whatever shots at it you 
feel are needed. ^_^

	Ed Becerra

**************************************************************

9:11 PM, Thursday, August 05, 1999

Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by 
Takahashi Rumiko.  Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc.  
Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc.  This work is not 
intended to infringe those rights.

***************************************************************

     Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2

     Chapter 2

***************************************************************

     Dowel gritted her teeth and reminded herself that removing
Tao's head would be only a momentary pleasure, one that was BOUND
to get her talked about in the village, and not worth the price in 
the long run. She reined in her frustration and spoke to the other
Amazon in what she hoped was a rational tone of voice.

     "That is NOT the way we get information from sailors, Tao."

     Tao gave the sailor she was holding by the throat a 
blood-thirsty grin, then looked back at Dowel. "Why not? It works.
And they're just males."

     Dowel sighed. "Tao, how good are you at swimming?"

     "Uhh.. I know how to. Why?"

     Dowel lost it then. "BECAUSE IF WE PISS OFF THE SAILORS, WE'LL
HAVE NO OTHER WAY TO FOLLOW THE OUTSIDER!"

     Tao frowned like a child whose favorite toy had been taken away.
"Couldn't we just steal a boat and sail it ourselves?"

     "Do YOU know how to sail?" asked Dowel.

     "Don't you?" replied Tao, confused.

     Dowel buried her face in the palms of her hands. "Why me? Why 
not Shampoo? Why not HER?" she muttered.

     Sash patted her on the back. "It'll get better. I think."

     "Dear ancestors, I hope so," Dowel sighed. "If it gets any 
worse, we'll end up going home in disgrace. And getting a bath at the
Springs to wash away our shame, just like Shampoo."

     Sash nodded, then turned to Sugar and Spice. "Have a little
'talk' with Tao, would you? I think it would make Dowel feel better."

     The two grinned, and each grabbed Tao by a shoulder, forcing
her to drop the fisherman. "There's something over there behind the
docks you should see, Tao," said Sugar.

     "And we'll make certain you don't get lost on the way," added
Spice.

     The two younger Amazons led Tao behind the aforementioned
dock, and a few moments later, sounds of a struggle drifted back 
towards where the others were standing. The three then emerged,
Tao showing an incipient black eye and several quickly developing
bruises.

     "She ran into a doorknob," explained Sugar.

     Even the fisherman had a hard time believing that one.

     * * *

     Lilac had made a quick trip to the home of the Guide in the 
hopes of using his telephone to get a quick "heads up" message to her
colleague Cologne, only to find out that it wasn't allowing calls
outside of China at the moment. The best she was able to do was to 
use her contacts in the outside world to get Rin Rin and Ran Ran 
passes on a passenger train headed for the China coast.  There would
be passes for the Japanese rail system waiting for them when they 
arrived. With luck and the speed of a train on their side, they 
would, she hoped, reach Nerima before the rest of the insane parade
did.

     The elderly Healer had returned to her cottage, and to the 
surprise of many, hung a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door latch.
Amazons who passed by her place in the course of daily affairs heard
what might have been the occasional chuckle from the cottage.

     Lilac, like her contemporary, Cologne, was old. Older than she
cared to admit to strangers. And when you reached their age, you'd
pretty much seen and/or done it all. Life tended to acquire a fine
patina of ... well, dullness. As someone else had pointed out, the 
penalty for an extended life was ennui. Entertainment, amusement,
was rare and something to be savored and appreciated for the joy it 
brought.

     And Lilac could see the potential in this one. Some of the other
Elders believed the situation to be of some possible, if small, 
threat to the village. That was true, admitted Lilac to herself.
But there was such a thing as too damn MUCH safety. 

     So she wrote notes, made a few plans, and called in several
of her apprentices.

     She was about to have some fun. And as for the old fuddy-duddies
on the council---Ha! Let 'em find their own fun.

     * * *

     Crossing the East China Sea from Shanghai to Kyushu wasn't as 
easy as Gosunkugi thought. He ended up in his cursed form despite
his best efforts, then was forced to explain what HE was doing on the
ship and where the hell the scrawny kid with the sunken eyes had 
vanished to.

     And worse, when they heard his story and learned that 
Joketsuzoku warriors were chasing him with an eye towards dragging
him back to their village, the captain of the ship was NOT happy.

     "And you're telling me that you have half a dozen angry Amazons
following you?! Amazons who don't give a DAMN about what they have
to cut their way through in order to win?" His head exploded into a 
Demon Head that would have made Tendou Soun proud. "WHAT THE HELL 
WERE YOU *THINKING*, BOY?!"

     Fortunately for Gos, his cursed form seemed to have a lot more
spine than his normal body. Not much sense, but a lot more spine.
He flinched only slightly, then looked the captain back in the eye.

     "I was thinking about getting away from the Joketsuzoku
village before their healer fed me something that would have left me
less than a man, Sir!" was Hikaru's firm reply.

     The captain's Demon Head rapidly deflated at those words. "What
did you say?"

     Gosunkugi explained the threat the Healer Lilac had made just
before he'd started running from the village, and the captain winced.
"It's worse than I thought. You weren't thinking at all, were you,
boy?"

     "I-- ahh.. no, I wasn't," Gos admitted.

     "Didn't think so," snapped the captain. "Well, get this 
straight. As soon as we hit port, you're OFF this ship. The very 
first second we touch the dock. Thrown off, if need be. I've met 
Amazons before, kid. I know their motto. 'Obstacles are for killing'.
I'm not risking my ship for the sake of a love-sick idiot who's so 
stupid, he WILLINGLY goes out to get a curse."

     "What's so stupid about it?" said Gosunkugi in hurt tones. He 
flexed an arm in a body-builder's fashion. "Look at me! I'm a hero
now!"

     "You're an idiot. You got Amazons chasing you, you're living
a lie, and if you DO manage to date that girl, soon as she finds out
that you're really just a scrawny twirp using a Jyusenkyo curse to 
try to impress people, she'll drop you like a hot potato." The 
captain shook his head. "Didn't you even think about what would 
happen when, NOT if, people discover your curse? Of course not. 
You're an idiot."

     "But I--" interrupted Gos.

     "No buts, Mister. I want you OFF my ship the second we touch
to dock. In fact, I want you packed and ready to leave in two hours
from now." He pointed to the cabinway. "Now."

     Hikaru's shoulders slumped, and he headed for his bunk to pack
up his few belongings.

     As the door swung shut behind the boy, the captain snorted.
"Nerimans.. they're all insane. It must be something in the water."

     * * *

     Rin Rin and Ran Ran had reached Shanghai, and a fast cargo ship
that owed a favor or two to a certain old healer provided them with
a trip across the East China sea. Unlike a certain fat old panda 
they'd ran into the last time they visted sister Shampoo, they had NO
intentions of trying to swim between China and Japan. In a day or so,
they'd be in Nagasaki and could call Cologne.

     They were both excited about the chance to see big sister 
Shampoo, but neither of them had any illusions about the situation.

     "Elder Cologne will NOT be happy about this, Rin," said Ran. 
"When the others arrive, there will be TEN of us in her restaurant."

     "What's wrong with that?" asked Rin.

     "In one house, Rin? It's going to be crowded."

     "Oh. I forgot. Do you think we could buy a second place?"

     Ran Ran thumped Rin Rin on the head. "In Japan? A country so 
crowded, their Emperor is renting out spare rooms in the Imperial
palace? Helloooo? Anyone home in there?"

     Rin rubbed her head. "Okay, okay. I get the point. So what do we
do?"

     "Get ready for one hell of a fight when we arrive."

     * * *

     Some hours later, Hikaru was standing at the rail, pack on his
back and a donated seabag under one arm, watching the gangplank
go down. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked around to see the
captain standing to one side.

     I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" said Gos.

     The captain shook his head. "It's not that, kid. I want you to 
do me a favor. You still owe me for not telling me what sort of 
trouble you were in."

     "But I only have a few hundred yen left.."

     The captain snorted. "It's not money I need. I just want you to
carry a message to a friend. I can't go ashore, or I'd do it myself."
He handed Gosunkugi a small envelope and a scribbled piece of paper.
"Go to this address, leave the envelope with the person who lives
there, and you're square with us."

     Hikaru nodded enthusiastically. "Thank you, sir. I'll do it 
first thing of all, even before I go home."

     "Good. And if the person who answers the door there happens
to introduce himself as Jerry Cornelius, tell him that Captain Briggs
sends his best wishes and regrets that he couldn't make the last 
meeting."  He slapped Gos on the back. "But don't ever try coming
aboard this ship again, boy. She has a way of making folks regret
it."

     Gos stared at Captain Briggs. "I don't understand."

     "You will. Just ask anyone about my ship, kid." He pointed
at the now tightly lashed gangplank. "Now, on your way."

     And that's how Gos left the "Marie Celeste". Some people have
all the luck. In Hikaru's case, it was mostly weird.

     * * *

     Ryouga Hibiki was lost again. Perhaps the word "again" was 
redundant, though. It might be more accurate to say that Ryouga 
Hibiki was STILL lost. He wandered down the streets and alleys,
searching for a familiar face, a landmark, someone or something
that he could recognize.

     "Where the HELL am I NOW?!" he shouted to an uncaring sky. "And
where is the Tendou dojo?"

     That's when a tall gaijin tapped him on one shoulder. He spun
around, ready for anything.

     "You're in Kagoshima, Ryouga," said the gaijin.

     "Do I know you?" frowned Ryouga.

     Gosunkugi realized he was still in his cursed form, then shook
his head. "No... you don't know me. Not personally. I've just seen
you around Nerima."

     "I've never seen someone like you in Nerima," replied Ryouga,
suspiciously.

     "I.. uhh.. I was studying the Unseen Ninja School of Martial
Arts under Konatsu the kunnochi! Yeah! That's it! Learning how to 
vanish and re-appear mysteriously. I spent a lot of time with Konatsu
learning what I could so no one _could_ see me." Whew, thought Gos,
I hope he believes that.  He made a frantic mental note to beg 
Konatsu to cover for him. "My name is Tenorioh. Tenorioh Wan. I'm 
from.. Spain. I think."

     Ryouga looked at him doubtfully, but nodded. "All right then.
What do you want?"

     "I don't know." Gos shrugged in a way that would have had French
movie directors falling at his feet in worshipful awe. "I just saw 
you, and I thought since you were probably heading back to Nerima,
we could walk to the train station together?"

     "You're going back to Nerima?" asked Ryouga.

     Gosunkugi nodded. "I had to do something in China. Now I'm on my
way back. I could use some company," he offered, tugging at the 
pack-straps on his shoulders. "It's a long ride back. It'd be nice
to have someone to talk to." He reached into his pack and pulled
out two bottles of sports drink. "Would you like some?"

     Ryouga nodded, taking a bottle and opening it carefully.
He took a few swallows, and let out a satisfied sigh. He pulled 
several withered brown sticks from a side pocket of his own pack.
"Teriyaki beef jerky. I got it in some place called San Antonio.
It's pretty good. Try some?" He offered Gos a strip.

     "San Antonio?" said Gos, confused.

     "Yeah, I think it's south of Kobe, or something."

     Hikaru shook his head, trying to rid it of the feeling that he'd
just slipped across the line into the Twilight Zone. "Well, let's
head over to the train station."

     * * *

     Saginomiya Asuka, sometimes known as the White Lily, was bored.

     This was something that tended to frighten the people around
her. Asuka was.. not too tightly wrapped. Rich, powerful, and bored
tended to be a dangerous combination, and Asuka was all three.

     She frowned, and everyone in eyeshot suddenly decided they'd
just remembered urgent personal errands to run. The further away,
the better. Easter Island would be nice.

     Life had gone slowly for Asuka since she'd tried to steal 
Saotome Ranma away from her rival, Kuno Kodachi. She didn't 
particularly _care_ for Ranma, despite his being a hunk. Hunks were,
she knew, a yen a dozen. No, she'd tried to destroy Ranma because
she thought he belonged to her hated rival, Kodachi.

     No, Asuka wasn't crazy, she was just working with inadequate
information. Kodachi claimed Ranma as hers, therefore Asuka wanted
to take him from her. _Ranma's_ opinions on who he belonged to, if 
anyone, were of no concern to Asuka whatsoever.

     After that little mess had settled down, she had nothing to do.
When you can buy almost anything you want, it's hard to avoid 
becoming jaded. And it would be several years before her next duel
with Kodachi. So she went traveling. It was a time-honored
diversion of the filthy rich and quite traditional.

     At the moment, she happened to be touring some of the more 
interesting sights in Kagoshima.

     Fate has such an INTERESTING sense of humor, no?

     * * *

     Dowel was, at the moment, a happy woman.

     No, scratch that. She was an EXTREMELY happy woman. They were
all on a small fishing ship that doubled as a smuggler on occasion,
as well as carrying the rare message or two between the Tongs of 
China and the Yakuza families of Japan. It was taking them all to 
Japan, to the port city of Nagasaki. They'd all be there in just a 
few days, and could start tracking the outsider male, soon to be an 
Amazon husband. But this wasn't what was making her happy.

     Nope. That wasn't the reason she was happy.

     The fact that Tao was currently leaning over the rail of the 
small ship retching her guts out, was.

     Poor Tao, it seems, was QUITE susceptible to motion sickness,
specifically sea sickness. 

     "Huuuurgh. Uuurrrrrp. Bleargh."

     The pitiful sounds paused, and were replaced with soft, agonized
moans.

     Sash came over and joined Dowel at the bow. "A yuan for your 
thoughts."

     Dowel smiled joyously. "I was thinking it's a damned shame none
of us have a camera."

     "That's pretty petty of you, Dowel."

     "I know. Want to come help me invite Tao to the lunch table?
We could tell her we're having cold greasy pork chops for lunch."

     There was a long pause.

     "Works for me."

     Tao's pitiful noises increased in volume shortly afterwards.

     * * *

     Gosunkugi had already begun to learn what life was like for 
Ranma post-curse. Now he was beginning to get the next few lessons
of what the other side of the fence looked like.

     It had taken Ryouga only three blocks to get them TOTALLY lost.
By the time he realized this and asked a bystander where they were,
they were already several MILES away from the point where they had 
met. In the OPPOSITE direction from the train station.

     Hikaru had no idea at all how Ryouga had done it. He would have
been willing to swear in front of the gods themselves that he and 
Ryouga had been walking for no more than ten minutes at the most.

     In frustration, he managed to spot a police box, asked for and
received exact directions to the train station from that spot, then
HE led Ryouga, sheparding the lost boy nearly every foot of the way.

     Oh, Kami, he thought. Ranma has to put up with this all the 
time? You could go MAD just trying to lead Ryouga to the bathroom!
How does Ranma do it?

     To make things worse, as they were passing a small fountain,
the wind changed direction, causing the cold wet spray to soak them
both to the skin.

     This did nothing to Gos, as he was already in his cursed form.
But to his surprise, Ryouga seemed to vanish! There was nothing
left but his pack and a pile of clothing and a small.. wet.. pig..

     That's when the light went on over Hikaru's head.

     He scooped up the little black piglet, noting the spotted yellow
bandana. "Ryouga?" he hissed quietly.

     The piglet nodded sadly, giving Hikaru what almost seemed to be
a shamed look.

     "It's okay. I'll get you some hot water." Gos gathered up the 
clothing, stuffed it all into Ryouga's pack and held it in one hand,
setting Ryouga on top of his own pack, where the little pig could
see better.

     There was a small cart just a block away selling hot tea and 
snacks. Gos bought a large cup of tea and looked around. Spotting
a small alleyway nearby, he nonchalantly made his way towards it, 
trying to avoid attracting attention.

     Blocking the entrance to the alleyway with his body, he laid 
Ryouga's clothes out on the ground, setting the small piglet on the
ground nearby. Then he poured the hot tea over the pig, turning
around  to give him some privacy.

     The Lost Boy quickly scrambled into his clothing before anyone
happened to notice a naked young man standing in the alley. Putting
his hand on Hikaru's shoulder, he asked the question that was 
foremost in his mind.

     "How did you know?"

     Gos didn't bother pretending ignorance. "I've seen Ranma change,
and Mousse, during their fights. I just didn't know you had a curse
too."

     Ryouga flushed in anger. "It's all Ranma's fault!" he roared.
"Him and that stupid panda of a father of his! They knocked me into
the Heituenniichuan. If he hadn't skipped out on our man to man 
fight, I wouldn't have had to follow him to China, I wouldn't have
gone to Jyusenkyo, and he wouldn't have knocked me into that STUPID
CURSED SPRING!"

     Hikaru nodded. "Almost everything in Nerima seems to be Ranma's
fault, in one way or another. If it weren't for him, Akane wouldn't
be engaged, the Amazons wouldn't be here, those crazy Princes 
wouldn't be kidnapping Akane and challenging him all the time. Angry
martial artists with grudges against him or his father wouldn't
be showing up all the time to challenge.. err.." He smiled weakly
as Ryouga glared at him. "Well, anyway, life would be peaceful,
without Ranma."

     Ryouga's eyes snapped wide open. "Akane! She's in Nerima, alone
with no one to protect her but Ranma! I have to--"

     Gos grabbed his arm before he could run off at random and get 
lost again. "Wait! If you try to find Nerima by yourself, you'll
just get lost again. Take the train with me, okay?"

     He was almost yanked off his feet by Ryouga's tremendous
strength, but the words managed to reach the Eternally Lost Boy. He 
screeched to a halt before traveling more than a few yards, and 
before he could get the two of them lost again.

     "THIS way, Ryouga, the train station's THIS way!"

     * * *

     Having finished seeing the highlights of Kagoshima, the White
Lily swept into the the train station like a storm, her attitude
preceeding her by a good three meters. The air of superiority
that surrounded her was second only to that of the Kunos (although
Asuka would insist otherwise).

     "Hmph," she snorted (in a most elegant manor, of course).
"How utterly plebian." She waved a porter forward with her bags. 
"Make certain I have a private compartment. I do not wish to be 
forced to mingle with the common rabble."

     She turned sharply on one heel, heading for the station's
main office, her small retinue of servants following in her wake like
remoras following a shark. The comparison was apt. Like a shark,
Asuka took what she wanted with no remorse.

     That's when she was abruptly knocked flat on her aristocratic
arse.

     She looked up, ready to scream at the crude peasant who had 
gotten in her way, when her breath suddenly caught in her throat.

     Thick wavy blond hair. Penetrating blue eyes. Shoulders that 
went on and on. A noble forehead and a just _slightly_ dimpled chin.
The rippling muscles of a decathelete. And that tight butt! Little
pink hearts appeared in her eyes, and music that no one else could
hear began to play.

     A strong hand reached down to her, assisting her to her feet.
She heard a lyrical voice intone "Wait a moment, Ryouga.. I have to 
make sure she's okay."

     Gosunkugi looked down at the beautiful young woman on the floor
in a spasm of embarrasment. Even in his brand-new heroic body, he 
still couldn't do anything right. Here was this kawaii girl, 
obviously a young and innocent schoolgirl, and he barreled into her
like an out of control freight train. He wanted to facefault.

     It should be pointed out at the moment that the natural 
instincts of the Romance Novel Hero were overwhelming what little
rationality Gosunkugi had.  The built-in reflexes to support, protect
and defend anything that even _remotely_ resembled a cute girl had 
taken over.  In short, Gos was suffering an almost mind-numbing
attack of that most dreaded of masculine ailments..  gallantry.

     Hikaru lifted her upright, and began to brush the dust off her
coat. "I'm terribly sorry, Miss..?"

     "Asuka. Saginomiya Asuka," she managed to whisper. "Sometimes
known as the White Lily." Oh, KAMI, he's handsome! she thought.
Even Kodachi never caught anything THIS fine. I must make him MINE!

     Gos started to nod, when Ryouga tugged on his arm. "They're
calling the train to Nerima, Wan! We gotta GO!" Hikaru quickly 
straightened the young woman's coat, mumbled a rushed apology,
and dashed over the the boarding area, towing Ryouga behind him.

     Shocked, Asuka was unable to say or do anything before the train
pulled away. Then a horrible, TERRIBLE fact struck her mind. Nerima.
They were going to Nerima. Where that WITCH Kuno Kodachi lived!

     "NEVER!" she screamed, shattering windows throughout the station
and giving at least two elderly passengers heart palpitations.
"He is MINE! That evil witch will NEVER have him! So sayeth the White
Lily! HaHAhaHAHahahahahahahahaha!"

     On the train headed for Nerima, Gos sneezed. Must be all the 
cold water, he thought.

     * * *

     "Nihao! Nekohanten! You want order ramen?"

     <"Big sister Shampoo! It's Ran!">

     Shampoo switched to Mandarin. <"Ran? What are you doing calling
Japan?">

     <"I'm IN Japan, big sister. The Elders sent Rin Rin and me to 
bring a message to your great-grandmother. There's a problem in the
village, and the Elders think it's coming here.">

     <"Oh, gods, not again. It's ALREADY hard enough to trap my 
husband. I don't NEED more grief. What is it _this_ time, Ran?">

     <"Well, some outsider came into the village and EVERYBODY
started fighting over him, big sister."> There was a brief silence
on Ran's end of the line that somehow managed to sound.. embarrassed?
<"Even.. even Elder Lilac admitted he looked hot.">

     <"We're talking about the same Elder Lilac, right? Almost as 
short as my great-grandmother and almost as dirty minded as the Demon
Panty Thief?"> Shampoo tried hard to keep from wincing. Cologne
and Lilac weren't exactly enemies, but.. well, as young women, 
Cologne thought Lilac had been one step away from bimbo-hood,
and Lilac had all but accused Cologne to her face of being a dried
up old prude who had the sex appeal of a doormat.

     Then, of course, Happosai showed up. Shampoo shuddered.
He was bad enough as an aged lecher. What he would have been like as
a young man.. brr.

     Shampoo brought her attention back to the present. <"Where's
Rin? And why isn't she trying to tear the phone out of your hand to 
shout 'hello!'?">

     <"She found one of those machines, big sister.. the ones with
the big mechanical claw and all the cute fuzzy little things 
inside?">

     Shampoo sighed. <"Tell her to pick a tiger or something.
We don't need any pandas. I have one too many of THOSE already.">

     <"Okay.. hey, here she.."> <"HIIIIIYEAA, big sister Shampoo!">

     <"Hi, Rin. You're coming to the cat cafe?">

     "<"Oh, yes! The Elders said we could. They even SENT us here,
big sister! We'll be there real soon, too! The train's supposed
to leave in a moment!">

     Shampoo made a mental note to find some of Great-grandmother's
headache recipe. She was going to need it.

     <"Well, you two hurry here, and I'll have a special welcome
back meal ready for you when you arrive. And try not to forget the 
message for Great-grandmother.">

     <"Oooo-kay, big sister! Yay! It'll be fun again!">

     A small sweatdrop rolled down the back of Shampoo's head.

     * * *

     Kanazuchi Maiku was an anachronism. He didn't belong in Japan;
he didn't even belong in this decade. He would have been a better
fit in the dark rainy streets of San Fransisco in 1939, sporting
a fedora, a badly fitting trenchcoat, and a Lucky Strike cigarette
surgically grafted to the corner of his mouth.

     His small office was barely larger than a broom closet, stuck
on the 6th floor in a building with an elevator that often didn't
work. The walls were papered with posters of all the greats. Sam 
Spade. Philip Marlowe. Dashiell Hammett. Raymond Chandler. Jim 
Rockford. And his hero, the man he patterned himself after. Mike 
Hammer.

     He STILL cursed the gun control laws in Japan that kept him from
packing a .45 Colt Automatic. He just didn't feel as Hammer-ish
without one.  And the police didn't even TRY to harrass him. What was
he doing wrong?

     He sighed, and opened the lower right drawer in his desk and 
pulled out a dirty glass and the obligatory bottle of cheap, nasty
scotch. (Sake just didn't seem like something Mike Hammer would 
drink, so Maiku didn't, either.)

     He poured a couple of fingers of scotch in the glass and set it
on the grimy desktop. That's when the phone rang, startling him.

     "Kanazuchi Maiku, Investigator for hire. I get 35,000 yen a day,
plus expenses. What's your problem?" he growled in what he thought
of as a tough, no-nonsense sort of voice.

     "Kanazuchi-san, I need you to find someone. I think he may be in
Nerima. I'll pay you 50,000 yen a day if you'll start immediately."

     Maiku sat up so fast, the decrepit swivel chair he sat in nearly
collapsed. "50,000 a day?" he said, trying to sound disinterested.
"I don't know, I have a lot of cases I'd have to drop, Miss.."

     "Saginomiya Asuka. And if you don't want to take the case, just
say so, Kanazuchi-san. I'll take my business elsewhere."

     "..on the other hand, I don't have anything that can't be put 
off for a while, Saginomiya-san. What's the case?"

     Asuka sniffed in a supercillious manner. "There's a man headed
for Nerima. One of my servants will be at your office shortly with
his portrait. I want you to find out everything about him. His name,
his family, his home, _everything_."

     "His 'portrait', Saginomiya-san? Not a photograph?" Maiku 
scratched his head, confused.

     "There wasn't time. Will you take the case?"

     Kanazuchi thought about it for a brief moment. Then thought
of the fact that his landlord would be arriving tomorrow morning
to collect a rent payment Maiku didn't have. "First week's payment
is in advance. You'll get receipts for all expenses, and will have
to pay or decline to pay them every week. When will your servant
be here with the portrait?"

     "She'll be there within three hours with the payment for the 
first week and all the information I have. You'll begin immediately."
WIth that, Asuka hung up.

     Kanazuchi frowned, and took a hit of scotch from his glass.
It burned its way down his throat, clearing his mind. "Hmm. Nerima.
Why does that ring a bell?" He stepped over to a small filing cabinet
crammed into a corner of the office, opening a drawer and flipping
through a collection of newspaper clippings.

     * * *

     On the street outside, a small yattai had set up, serving 
okonomiyaki to passers-by. The elderly man doing the cooking was 
surprised when a window several floors above him in the building
behind him shattered. A bundle of old papers came sailing through
the broken glass, barely missing the grill. He flinched at the scream
that followed.

     "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT _THEM_!!"

     * * *

     In the Tendo dojo, Ranma was sneezing almost non-stop. "I'm 
tellin' ya, Akane, I got this bad feeling!"

     "What do you mean?"

     "It's like.. you know, like someone's talkin' or thinkin'
about us."

     "I am SO sure, Ranma. It's probably just another challenger
or fiancee getting ready to attack." Akane frowned. "Ranma no baka.
What good is a feeling like that if it doesn't tell you what's going
to happen?"

     "Like a tomboy like YOU would understand!"

     THUD.

     Ranma pulled the small stone garden statue from the top of his
head. "Now what did ya go and do that for?"

     THUD.

     "I tHiNk i'Ll jUSt liE hErE anD ReST foR a wHIle."

     Akane strode out of the dojo, feeling a little better. She made
a mental note to check her mallet supply. If that baka Ranma WAS 
having a premonition or something, and yet another fiancee WAS going
to show up, she'd need them to be in tip-top shape.

     After all, she had to keep the pervert in line. It was for his
own good.

     * * *

     Cologne was out shopping for some of the more esoteric spices
she used in the Cat Cafe. Not the ones she used in healing, or in the
memory-altering shampoos; she obtained _those_ from allies back in 
the village or through her contacts in Japan. These were the simpler
ones that she bought herself to keep the customers coming in. Shampoo
wasn't bad at shopping for the usual staples, but a few of the 
shopkeepers were old enough to NOT be dazzled by Shampoo's body, or 
they were female. For Shampoo, who tended to rely on the mind-numbing
effect her body had on men, this caused the price she had to pay to 
rise, not drop.

     Cologne was just rubbing a clump of imported American sage and
testing the scent when she noticed that her thumb was itching.
She frowned, scratching. Then the frown deepened and paying the 
shopkeep for her purchases, she hurried away. She bounced down the 
street on her staff, headed for the Nekohanten as fast as she could
manage.

     Cologne was determined to hold on to the ancient traditions
of the Joketsuzoku, to the death if need be. But that didn't make her
ignorant of other ways. She'd learned much of the outside world over
the years, and an old piece of Western poetry was echoing in the back
of her mind.

     "By the pricking of my thumbs,
      Something wicked this way comes."

     * * *

     At the Kuno residence, a servant was cleaning the yard. While
he was sweeping up leaves, a small pigeon dropped dead at his feet.
The servant shook his head and disposed of the small corpse, telling
himself that believing in omens was a relic of a foolish past.

     * * *

     On the train to Tokyo...

     "Damnit, Ryouga, how can a person get lost on a moving TRAIN!"

     "It's THEIR fault! What kind of railroad puts the baggage car in
FRONT of the train engine?!"

     "Ryouga, the engine's in FRONT of the baggage car! You're turned
around!"

     "Oh."

     * * *

     On another train headed for Tokyo...

     <"Oh, it's so CUUUUTE!">

     Sigh. <"Give the pikachu back to the little girl, Rin.">

     * * *

     In Nagasaki...

     <"You don't need to KISS the ground, Tao..">

     "Urrrp. Eeetch." The retching ceased, and Tao wiped her lips.
<"You didn't spend twenty-four hours on that horrid boat throwing
up everything! I'm never getting on one of those things again!">

     Sash smirked. <"You DO remember that after we catch him, we're
going to have to take a boat BACK to China, don't you?">

     Tao collapsed, groaning in misery. <"Why me?">

     A few feet away, Dowel was smiling so hard, her face hurt.

     * * *

     In China, Elder Lilac was boarding a jetliner headed for Tokyo
International Airport. She was old; that didn't mean she was stupid.
There were still members of the Party who had what could be politely
described as marital difficulties. A few doses of the proper herbal
remedies, and they were MORE than eager to allow her to visit 
relations in Japan. The sooner the better. After all, the sooner
she left, the sooner they could head home to their wives and 'test
drive' their cures.

     After all, if you're able to make a potion that can turn a man's
libido OFF, it only stands to reason that you can also make one that
turns it back on.

     The result was that Lilac was traveling in both comfort and 
style; a style she felt was the just due of an Elder of the 
Joketsuzoku.

     There's nothing quite like a little medical bribery.

     * * *

     Kanazuchi sighed, and stuffed the office bottle back into the 
desk. Despite what he'd learned about Nerima, that's where he'd have
to start looking. He slipped on a rumpled old trenchcoat, and donned
the battered fedora that he'd bought by mail order from a store in 
Los Angeles. (He'd been told that Humphrey Bogart had shopped there
for his own hats.)

     Stepping into the hall, he sneered at the "Out of Order" sign
still hanging on the elevator, and took the stairs down to the 
basement. He counted himself fortunate for having gotten an office
in this particular building. It was run-down, poorly maintained,
not to mention broiling in the summer and freezing in winter. But it
had one very special bonus. The basement doubled as a parking garage,
and each office in the building had the privilage of one parking
space inside that basement.

     This was important to Maiku. It gave him a place to keep his 
pride and joy. A wide happy smile spread across his face as he 
reached the basement and approached what he thought of as his 'baby'.

     A mint condition 1939 late model black Plymouth coupe, it had 
cost him an incredible amount to buy and have shipped to Japan. It 
cost even more for the necessary paperwork and the needed 
maintinance. He probably could have bought a small house in one of 
the nicer neighborhoods in Tokyo for what it had cost him. But that
wasn't important.

     It made him FEEL like a detective. He KNEW that as long as he 
drove it, someday, somehow, a real case would come along. HIS Maltese
Falcon. HIS Eyes of Alexander. HIS One-armed Man.

     He also knew that THIS case wasn't going to be it.

     * * *

     In America, a martial arts master of a rather.. UNUSUAL school
received a telegram reminding him of a promise made decades ago, 
during the depths of the Chinese civil war. He swore quietly but 
creatively for nearly an hour before he called several of his best
students to the dojo.

     He explained the situation, and asked for a single volunteer.

     The bruises on his body (caused by their desperate stampede
out of the dojo) took about a week or so to fade.

     * * *

     Nerima was a nice place to live, if more than a little crazy
at times. Unfortunately for the locals, the lunacy level was about
to rise by an order of magnatude.

     Life's funny that way.

     Damn shame, really. Pity about that.

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