Hi, there.  This is a spoof of/response to an
audioplay by Gary Kleppe.  It has his full approval. 
I know that technically, I'm not supposed to post
graphic depictions of an author's death, but
a) this isn't graphic, and
b) he asked for it.  Literally. ;)

And, well, since he knows about it, I see no reason
not to post it up.  For anyone who hasn't read the
original "Ranma Is Dead" script, it's included here
after my little spamfic.  Enjoy!

----------------
GARY IS DEAD!

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction spoof
			     by K-chan

	Special Guest Star: Gary Kleppe

--------------------------

Gary: Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  The audio play is almost
finished.  Everyone who hears it shall fall captive to
the subversive message I so brilliantly put into the
text!  (Takes a sip from the glass of pepsi-cola on
his right.) Wha-ha-ha-urk!  Urgh! (Dies)

Akane: (coming in, followed by Ranma and Co.) Thank
goodness!  I thought we�d never be rid of him.

Ranma: Serves him right.  I don�t exactly like dying,
y�know.  And there�s no *way* I�d keel over because of
some stupid tombo--*whack!*

Akane: (putting her mallet away) Watch it, Ranma. 
But, you have a point.  All of us were horribly
misrepresented in that spamfic!  Honestly!  I�m not
some sort of violent, homicidal maniac!!!

Ranma: Well, actually, Akane...

*Whack!  Twack!  Bam! Pow!*

Akane: (jumping up and down on Ranma) I�m not! I�m
not! I�m NOT! I�M NOT!!!

Shampoo:  Akane right.  We all victims of fanfic
stereotype.  For point, why Shampoo always portrayed
as either stupid bimbo or sneaky, scheming
conspirator?  Shampoo not that way!

Nabiki: Of course not.  She�s a sneaky, scheming
bimbo.  (Aside) And, she�s also the head of the
Chinese mafia!

Ukyo: I understand, sugar.  I�m always shown as some
sort of universal sounding board, forced to listen to
everyone�s problems and cook them okonomiyaki.

Shampoo: Aiya!  So spatula-girl know how Shampoo feel!

Ukyo: (sympathetically) Of course I do.  You too,
Akane. (Gives them a reassuring pat on the back) 
Here, have some okonomiyaki.

Kodachi: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!  You�re not the only ones who
can complain, dearies!  *I* get stuck with a wet
corpse!

Shampoo: Oh yes?  At least you no have fat panda-man
for airen!

Kuno: Indeed!  I, too, have been dealt a grievous
insult by the cur.  The Blue Thunder, defeated by the
pitiful remains of the vile Saotome?  Nay, it cannot
be!

Ranma: (from under Akane�s foot) Hey, who you calling
vile?

Genma: Besides, who the hell ever heard of the
Anything-Goes Rigor Mortis Attack?

Soun: A blight on our school!

Nabiki: And worst of all, *I* lost a bet!

Everyone: That�s right!  This can�t be allowed to
continue!  KILL HIM!!!

Kasumi: Oh, my!

Akane: You object?

Kasumi: Oh, no!  But *I* wanted to kill him!

Soun:  Now, now, Kasumi.  We�ll ALL kill him! 
Together!

Everyone: (advancing on Gary) KILL! KILL!  KILL THE
PIG!!  SPILL HIS BLOOD!!!

Kasumi: Oh, wait!  How silly of us! He�s already dead!

Ranma: Awww....

Kodachi: Ah, yes.  I poisoned the horrid wretch with
tainted cola.  By the way, thank you for the recipe,
Kasumi.

Kasumi: Happy to help, Kodachi-san.  But you should
really thank Akane.  It was *her* teriyaki sauce.

Everyone: Well, nothing else to do here... Let�s go.
(They leave)

--------------------------

Ryoga: Oh, where in the world are we NOW?!  We were
supposed to meet up at that fanfic author�s place!
Mousse, I thought you were going to guide me!  Why are
we in this tunnel?

Mousse: What tunnel, Shampoo?
--------------------------

The End.
--------------------------
Now: The original:
 			     RANMA IS DEAD

		      A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction spoof
			     by Gary Kleppe

	Special Guest Star: Kosuku Hatanaka from One-Pound
Gospel.

			      INTRODUCTION
	
	There have been a lot of stories over the past year
or two with
one or more of the characters dying and the others
having to cope with
the loss. The stories of this type are often some of
the most moving,
emotionally engaging works that fanfiction has to
offer.

	But THIS one is... different.

	
	The characters of Ranma 1/2, as well as the special
guest star
from One-Pound Gospel, are the creation of and
rightful property of
Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without
permission. This story may
be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or
used for profit in any way.

	Note: This is in script format, which I think works
adequately
for this story. It will not be rewritten into prose
story format unless
there is a massive public outcry demanding it. BTW,
words in angle
brackets, e.g. <ninety degrees> indicate character
thoughts.

				   1

(SCENE: Morning in the Tendo Dojo. Ranma and Akane are
in the living
room arguing. Nabiki is there, buried in her stock
portfolio, trying to
ignore the heated discussion going on. Kasumi can be
heard from the
kitchen, cooking and humming blissfully to herself.)

Nabiki: <Eight hundred shares of cattle futures in St.
Louis? Better not
sell that. Looks like a bull market ahead.>

Akane: Insensitive jerk! How can you be going on a
date with Shampoo!?!

Ranma: Hey, she trapped me into it! Do you think I'd
go out with her if
there wasn't a good reason? She offered me free food.

Akane: What do you mean, free food??

Ranma: Y'know, stuff to eat that I don't need to pay
for.

Akane: How would you like it if I was with another
guy?

(P-chan sticks out his tongue at Ranma as he snuggles
into Akane's lap.)

Soun: What's this about you going out with Shampoo?
(Head getting big)
Why would you do such a thing?!?

Ranma: I... er... uh...

Kasumi: (Emerging from kitchen) Ohaiyo, Akane! Ohaiyo,
Ranma! You want
something to eat?

Ranma: Yeah! That's it! That's the reason!

Soun: How can you go out with Shampoo for food? Why do
you think we've
been feeding you here for the last couple of years?

Nabiki: <Four hundred shares of the ACME plumbing
supply company of
Dayton? Time to sell those, that company's going down
the tubes. And
just where is Dayton, anyway? Pennsylvania? No, don't
think so...>

Kasumi: Ohaiyo, Nabiki!

Nabiki: What?

Kasumi: Ohaiyo!

Nabiki: That's right!! That's where it is! Kasumi,
you're a genius!

Kasumi: Good heavens!

(In the dojo, Genma is training new student Kosuku
Hatanaka.)

Genma: Discipline, lad. That's what it's all about. To
become a master
of any fighting technique, you must discipline
yourself. Any
distractions must be ignored. The world will try to
distract you from
the art. You must not let that happen. The art must
take priority over
all else. Now, let us begin the first training
exercise...

Kasumi: (Sticks head into dojo area) Breakfast!

(Genma and Hatanaka stampede to the dining room)

Akane: Have your little date, Ranma. Just don't bother
showing up back
here after you're done.

Ranma: You mean I don't get to eat here no more?

Kasumi: Shall I set one less place for breakfast,
father?

(One of the walls crumbles to reveal a familiar
Chinese amazon.)

Shampoo: Nihao!

Kasumi: Shampoo! Hello! Shall I set one more place for
breakfast?

Hatanaka: Couldn't she have used the door?

Shampoo: Is Amazon law. As Amazon warrior, I not
allowed to use doorknob
until doorknob defeat me in combat! (Nabiki winces.)
Ranma ready for
date?

Ranma: Uh, about that date...

Shampoo: Not try to get out of it! Shampoo have deep
love and affection
for you, Ranma. You try to get out of date, I have to
hurt you!

(Ranma thinks for a second, then a huge spatula comes
down on his head.
Enter Ukyo.)

Ukyo: Ranchan!! How could you let Shampoo bribe you
with food into going
out with her? I could have done that!!

Kasumi: One more for breakfast?

(Ranma gets up, but is knocked down by a flurry of
miscellaneous
objects. Enter Mousse.)

Mousse: Ranma!! How dare you try to seduce Shampoo
into surrendering her
virtue? I want to be the one to do that!

(Ranma staggers up, then a cloud of gas hits his face
and he collapses.
Enter Kodachi.)

Kodachi: OH HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!! I, Kodachi Kuno,
the Black Rose, will
not allow you to steal away my darling Ranma; for it
is I who love him
most of all!

Kasumi: Two more for breakfast?

(A general melee breaks out among the four new
arrivals, with the
unmoving Ranma getting stepped on and generally taking
a good share of
the punishment. Suddenly Akane runs up, pissed.)

Akane: I've had *ENOUGH*, Ranma!!!

(Akane punches Ranma through the roof.)

Ukyo: Oh well. Time for school. (Leaves)

Kodachi: The Black Rose shall return!! (leaves)

Mousse: Well, I guess I'm out of he --

(Ranma comes crashing down, hitting Mousse squarely in
the head and
knocking him out. Kasumi goes to examine Ranma.)

Kasumi: Oh dear. Ranma is dead.

Akane: Dead?!?

Kasumi: It's okay, I know what to do.

Akane: You do?

Kasumi: Yes. I'll just set one less place for
breakfast!

				   2

Akane: What do you mean, Ranma is dead??

Kasumi: It's a condition involving a permanent
cessation of the body's
circulatory system, resulting in the shutdown of brain
activity and the
eventual decomposition of...

Akane: Dying. How inconsiderate! Isn't that
inconsiderate of him,
P-chan?

(P-chan nods affirmatively. He looks at Ranma, then
runs off to the
bathroom.)

Nabiki: Ranma is dead? This is the chance of a
lifetime!! (looks at
Ranma) No offense. (Dials phone)

Genma: Tendo, this is the chance we've been waiting
for!

Soun: How's that, Saotome?

Genma: The chance to try out...

Soun: You mean...

Both: ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL RIGOR MORTIS TRAINING!!

(Ryoga rushes into room, hair still wet)

Ryoga: RANMA!! How DARE you die before I've had a
chance to kill you!!

Akane: Oh, hi, Ryoga!

Ryoga: Oh, er, hi Akane! (shakes Ranma's body) Don't
think you've
escaped my revenge, Ranma!!

Shampoo: Feh. Ranma no have to die just to get out of
date!

Nabiki: Really? How else would you have let him out of
it, Shampoo?

Shampoo: Uh... um...

Nabiki: (into phone) Hello? Kuno-chan? Ranma says to
meet you at school
for a fight at eight. What's that? Why are you
fighting? Why... because
he called you a "blithering idiot with spam for
brains", of course! Bye
now! (hangs up) I've got to go down to school to make
sure all the bets
get covered. Carry Ranma for me, Ryoga. (they leave)

Mousse: (getting up) At last! Finally Shampoo will be
free from Ranma!

Shampoo: Mousse got spam for brains! This not end
Shampoo's obligation!

Mousse: Huh?

Cologne: (entering suddenly) Shampoo is correct.
According to the 1947
_Conditioner Vs. Deodorant_ court decision, in the
case of a dead fiance
the obligation of the amazon defeated by him is
transferred according to
the written pre-designations of the former betrothed.
Shampoo: Come again?

Cologne: You need to find out who Ranma left you to in
his will.

Kasumi: Oh dear. I'm afraid Ranma hasn't made out a
will.

Cologne: In that case, his next of kin...

Genma: Excuse me... (Slips outside and jumps in pond;
Shampoo follows)

Shampoo: Wo de airen! (Glomps Genma-panda, who holds a
sign "I'm just a
panda!")

Akane: Definitely inconsiderate.

(Nodoka enters)

Nodoka: I heard my son was here! And my worthless
husband!

Shampoo: (yelling from outside) Is now Shampoo's
worthless husband!

Kasumi: Oh my. Ranma is here, but I'm afraid he's
dead.

Nodoka: Oh dear. (Sees Ranma) But how manly he looks!

Kasumi: Goodness, yes!

Akane: Hmph!

				   3

(Shampoo and Cologne are in the Tendo living room with
the dojo crew.
The two Amazons are at the table with various papers
spread over it.)

Shampoo: What about this one? 1951 case, Facial Scrub
end marriage to
Mr. Bubble by file lawsuit.

Cologne: That's no good. The Amazon Supreme Court
later ruled that that
decision only applies when the defendant is a
left-handed yak farmer from
Guangzhou.

Shampoo: Aiyou, Genma not left-handed. This hopeless!

Cologne: Keep trying. There must be a loophole
somewhere!

(Tatewaki enters)

Nabiki: My champion! How'd the fight go?

Tatewaki: Very well indeed. I actually came quite
close to winning.

Nabiki: (major face-fault) You mean you LOST?!?

Genma & Soun: The Anything Goes Martial Rigor Mortis
training was a
success!!! (High-five each other)

Nabiki: Sigh... I guess you know you're responsible
for paying off on
all the bets, Kuno-chan. Where is Ranma now, anyway?

Tatewaki: My twisted sister carried him away after the
fight. She said
something about taking him out to dinner.

Kasumi: Oh dear! In all the excitement, I've forgotten
to cook dinner
for us!

Soun: Excitement?

Akane: It's Ranma's fault.

Genma: How could you!! Where are your priorities!

Kasumi: It's all right, there are leftovers in the
refrigerator! (Genma
looks happy) They're from two days ago, when Akane
cooked dinner! (Genma
looks worried)

Hatanaka: Sorry, I finished those off this afternoon.

Soun: You ate ALL of that food?

Hatanaka: Yeah, I liked it. I wish there had been
more, though.

Soun: Sir, you are the first person ever to eat my
daughter Akane's
cooking and ask for more. If you and Akane were to be
married, the
future of the Anything Goes School would be secure!

Hatanaka: Well... I... 

Akane: What do you mean, married?

Nabiki: Have you got a listening comprehension problem
or something?

Akane: What do you mean, listening comprehension?

Soun: Unless Mr. Hatanaka is already interested in
someone. Is there
anyone special in your life, sir?

Hatanaka: Well, it's like this... it's a... kind of
like... there's
this... nun.

Soun: None? Good! Then it's settled.

Akane: Ranma dies, and I end up engaged to a boxer
from another series.
He's soooooo inconsiderate!

Shampoo: Shampoo got idea. What if husband die with no
living male
family members?

Cologne: Then the obligation would have been
discharged, but that's not
what happened...

(Shampoo pulls out a big knife and grins)

Cologne: Excellent idea, Shampoo.

(Cut to Kodachi. She's on a roof somewhere, looking
down at Ranma's
lifeless body.)

Kodachi: Finally, Ranma darling. Finally you can see
that it is I, the
Black Rose, who loves you most of all. I am the one
whose love for you
is truly unconditional. For us, your death is but a
new beginning! The
loving between us will be boundless and unending! We
will...

(There is a sudden downpour of rain.)

Kodachi: (Looking at Ranma) You?! How dare you!! Bring
back my darling
Ranma! You wicked, WICKED corpse!!! (Starts beating on
girl-Ranma as we
fade out...)

				END

	Any reactions, C&C, or threats to do a "Gary Is Dead"
story
are welcomed!


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