--- Dot Warner <dot_warner17@my-deja.com> wrote:

The Game of Life
a Shortfic by Dot
---
This is the 'fic idea formerly known as "The Bet:
Ranmanji", renamed to the above to avoid confusion
with another work by the same name.  (So much for
not working on it...this idea just wouldn't leave me
alone! ^^;)

I'll admit, I was a bit skeptical about how well this
idea would work when it was first presented (maybe
since I've never seen Jumanji (sp?), and didn't know
the premise of the game). But I've got to say I really
enjoyed reading your story, and your premise that
Akane would wish for a more interesting life was quite
believable to me--if her family had settled into the
routine of Soun as emotional wreck, Kasumi as mother,
Nabiki as money maker/handler, Akane as martial
artist/pervert-basher, no wonder she'd want things to
be different and interesting!!! Your story also
explains a lot about the canon-- it's the reason why
there's such an exaggerated amount of craziness in the
Tendo's life, or exaggerated _everything_ in the
series(i.e.- Ranma's stupidity, Akane's anger and
violence, Nabiki's aloofness and obsession with money,
Kasumi's calmness/obliviousness, Soun's crying and
over emotional nature, Genma's horrid parenting
skills, etc.). It's like a role-playing game--even if
Akane and her family weren't aware they were playing,
their personalities would change subtly to fit the
parts they play in the game. 

It's an alternate explanation of why all of the
madness started as soon as Ranma arrived (besides the
traditional, "Ranma is a trouble magnet" one).

It explains why Ranma is so hesitant to do anything
with Akane. (i.e. Ranma and Juliet) He doesn't want to
get emotionally involved with a member of the game who
won't be staying once it's over, because it would hurt
them both. It also explains Ranma's reactions at
Jusendo (forgive me if I don't know everything about
their last trip to China...I haven't yet read that
manga or seen the anime for it--are they even
translated? I actually need much more detail for two
stories I'm working on right now, if someone could
give me or direct me to a good summery of it I'd
appreciate it!). He is upset because of the obvious
reason, that he loves Akane and he feels it's his
fault she's "dead", but he also knows it's his fault
because it wouldn't have happened if they weren't
playing the game or if he'd told her about it earlier.


But that brings up an interesting issue--when playing
the game, are the characters invincible? It seems they
could be, considering all the things that have
happened to various characters that should have killed
them. And for a moment, to my knowledge, Akane _was_
dead in China. Another issue that brings up is
something I've used in my posted story, "The Things We
Do"--a suicidal Akane. If she controls the game, does
she have the power to control EVERYTHING? Because if
so, she might have subconsciously tried to kill
herself in Jusendo, but couldn't. And Ranma would know
she tried it, seeing he's aware of how things are done
in the game. Just a thought.

And if the characters are invincible, and the game
will loop itself forever, will they never die?

Also, is Ranma the only game character who is aware of
his status as part of the game? Or is every original
character in the game aware of it?

And has the game been used before? That could be a
_lot_ for Ranma to talk about with Akane, in private.
Does he even remember what he _did_ in previous uses
of the game? If so, I can see the story becoming
something along the lines of Barnes' "The Masks We
Must Wear" and "Cut Wood, Carry Water". That would
most definitely be good ^_^.

As you can probably guess, I'd definitely love to see
this expanded into a full blown series (no surprise,
considering that I tend to be longwinded ...my post to
the list was 3 chapters, 80ish KB. And I'm currently
writing _more_ for it in response to my C&C ^_^;). I
think there's tons of potential for it, and I'd love
to be a prereader for the expanded version it if you
wrote one. Hell, I'm _jealous_ that I can't write this
one myself!! ^_^ Of course, you may not want to do it,
but I just see so much you could do with a longer
story, and would love to see it done. I do have a few
ideas about the opening of the shortfic that would
make things clearer, at least in my opinion, but don't
use them if you don't like them or if they deviate
from your original purpose. Plus, my style of writing
is probably totally different from your's, and I don't
even pretend to be an exceptional plot writer, so my
ideas might not even be good...

It might be helpful to show the wish being made by
Akane--when we first hear about it, it's kind of makes
you blink (maybe you wanted it to be like that, I
don't know.) If you were to change it I'd suggest
something like Akane running through a typical day for
her, just before she goes to sleep, beginning with the
morning perverts and ending with her present position.
Then, as she's falling asleep she makes the wish, and
doesn't really remember doing so (that way she won't
be suspicious that the events of the near future
aren't because of her wish). I would just leave it at
that and leave out when she gets the game, so it
doesn't seem redundant when Ranma explains what's
going on.

Something that could work after this, or as a separate
opening, would be beginning the story with Ranma
observing the game board, but without telling the
reader anything about the surroundings, save to focus
on the advancement of the Tendo home on the board.
Then you could have him disappear and continue the
story as written. Something like this might work--

"A figure stood, his gaze fixed downward, worry
evident on his face as he observed a point. A
structure was there--a fair-sized building, connected
to smaller one, with a little pond nestled peacefully
on the grounds. His view shifted to the large square
nearby, and he sighed. 'It's time', he thought, fully
aware of the rules he might break, and for once not
caring in the slightest."

I don't know, maybe?

I also have a few comments about things in the
original text of your story. 

	Akane opened her eyes to find Ranma watching over
her, and reacted instinctively.  "You pervert!" she
screamed, feeling her blood boil.  "What are you
doing in my room?"

What time of the day is it? It might not seem
important, but the only way I can think of for Ranma
to get close enough to Akane to gaze down at her
without notice would be if she's sleeping, and that
would make it either night or early morning. It would
have to be the morning because when Ranma and Akane
fly up to view the board they would have to be able to
see it through the darkness. Even if they could Akane
would likely not be able to see the spinner if it were
so far away without _some_ light. Plus, I'd think it
would me more likely that so many of the other
characters would show up all at once in the day time,
be it too early in the morning for it ^_^ You could
add a line for Nabiki at the end about the lack of
sleep. 

LOL, and doesn't Akane usually mallet first, ask
questions later??? ^_^

[snip]

	"Wish...?" Akane thought back.  "Oh, you mean when
I wished for an interesting life?"

If you used the "wish" opening, you might want to make
her take longer to remember, and more surprised that
she had done it.

[snip]

	'Since when did Ranma know how to fly?' she
wondered 

'Since when did Ranma learn to fly?' seems more
natural.

[snip]

	"There is..." Ranma paused, as if deciding whether
to divulge what he knew.  "...a way to keep the game
going indefinitely."

 
Ranma is hesitant to reveal what he could do, I'm
assuming because he doesn't want Akane to have to deal
with everything for the rest of her life (and
beyond???). If this is true, you might want to change
where Ranma pauses, to make it so that Akane has to
drag it out of him more. 

"There is a way..." Ranma paused, as if deciding
whether to divulge what he knew. 

"What??", Akane exclaimed, a spark of hope erupting in
her heart and flowing into her eyes. "Ranma, tell
me!!! Please!!!"

Ranma continued, a reluctant look still on his face,
"There's a way to keep the game going indefinitely."

	"Would you really want to, Akane? To put up with
all that insanity day in and day out for the rest of
your life?"

Akane doesn't know what would happen yet, so it might
be more natural to phrase it like this--

"But would you really _want_ to, Akane?" His voice
changed and hints of warning echoed in it. "You'd have
to put up with all that insanity day in and day out
for the rest of your _life_..."

[snip]

	"All right.  Hang on tight." Ranma waited for Akane
to grab onto him again before closing his eyes and
holding out his right hand.  The 'finish' square
began pulsing and glowing brightly.  Akane had to
shield her eyes as well from the blinding light.

I'd assume that, seeing she's up in the air and can't
fly herself, Akane would most definitely already be
hanging onto Ranma. It seems as though the only
side-effect of the change in board was the light,
which wouldn't have caused her to slip if extra
caution was not taken. Thus, unless you have something
like a shockwave pulse out from the finish square (you
mention it pulsing, but not anything that's effecting
the two of them) or Ranma's right hand pulsating (the
pulsating magic?), pushing them back it seems
unnecessary to have Ranma tell Akane to hang on
tightly.

Overall, a good read, and like I've said I really hope
you choose to continue this. It could be VERY
interesting...

I noticed you didn't explicitly ask for C&C, so if you
weren't looking for any I apologize, and I hope I have
been helpful and haven't offended you in any way. If
you have any comments for me feel free to e-mail me
privately. Thanks for the story, and have a great
day!! ^_^

Akra

===
"Listen up numskull. If Kasumi doesn't come back by dinnertime we're gonna have to eat Akane's _cooking_! Get it dimwit?? We eat that and man-oh-man we're all gonna wish we'd died at sea!!
*POW*  "Auh!"
*I _heard_ that."

-from the dubbed version of "Ranma 1/2 The Movie 2: Nihao My Concubine"
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