In a message dated 7/20/99 10:33:56 PM, simkin4@HOTMAIL.COM writes:
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Redemption
by Soul Survivor
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<takes a double-take>
Eh... not my fic. ^_^;;
First Fic Alert - Be Gentle!
If you wish. But I'm not as kind as you would prefer.
"..." Denotes Speach
-...- Denotes Thoughts
Denotation descriptions are wholly unnecessary. You don't have to explain the
quote marks. Everyone knows what they're used for. After all, we read
hundreds of novels and there's trillions of expamples contained in them. Same
goes for thought denotation. We'd figure it out eventually- it's not that
hard.
============
Prologe
Choices
============
The evening breeze swept over Nerima, bringing relief from the days heat,
kicking up leaves and general debris in the streets. It also cooled the
brow of a certain pigtailed martial artist relaxing on top of the Furinkan
Clock Tower avoiding the general chaos that surrounded her life.
Add an apostrophe to 'days'
For the first time in days, Ranma-Chan felt at peace, no fiancee's chasing
him, no rivals attacking him, no parents pressuring him to marry anybody.
Anybody -> anyone
Not even being in her cursed form disturbed her serenity at this point,
and all was well with the world... Or so she thought.
"Hello Mother..." the unexpected voice broke her from her reverie, as
she crept around the side of the tower to see who was there.
Replace 'the' with an 'an,' and I think you should seperate the sentences,
after reverie.
-Aw nuts, Kodachi!- Indeed it was, the deranged gymnast was standing on
the ledge that surrounded the upper portion of the tower, rocking back and
forth on her heels, and conversing with the night sky.
So it's nighttime? Why would Ranma be on top of the school at night when he
should be back at Tendo's? The roof of Tendo's house's as good. You'd have to
provide an explaination of why Ranma's at school at night.
"I know it has been a long time since I last spoke with you mother. There
are many things I want to tell you... I know mother, I should speak to
you more often, Gomen..." As she listened to the one sided conversation
Ranma-Chan notice that Kodachi seemed strangely subdued, almost deflated
in he posture, as if carrying the weight of the world.
One sided should be 'one-sided'. Notice should be in past tense.
Also, Kodachi isn't 'he', she's a 'she'
Kodachi's calling out for her mother, a person, so it should be capitalized.
"Yes mother, 'tatchi is well, and father is... father, you know that he
will never change. Brother still continues his pursuit of Akane Tendo, and
she still refuses him, as does his osage-no-onna, he will never learn. What
of me? Yes mother, I am still pursuing my relationship with Ranma-sama...
Mother... You know I love him, all he needs is time to admit his feelings...
Yes Mother, I am willing to wait for him..."
Again, capitalize 'mother'
Ranma-chan silently crept her way back around the tower, heading for the
stairs, when a new sound stopped her in her tracks. The sound of Kodachi
sobbing. Regardless of of her madness, regardless of her attacks on her
cursed form, regardless even of her chilling maniacle laugh, the one thing
Ranma-chan could not deal with was a womans tears, even Kodachi's. Without
concious thought she made her way back to where Kodachi continued her
monolouge.
I think 'girls' tears' sounds better than 'woman's tears'
Concious should be spelled as 'conscious' and manicale as maniac.
"... dont know who I think Im fooling, mother" she sobbed "he will never
love me, no one will. I dont know what to do anymore, no matter how I
try, he rejects me, over and over, I.... I cant take anymore, mother. He is
the only bright spot in my life, he chases the monsters away.... Heh... then
again, mother, that is the problem, you see, to him I am a monster, I can
see it in his eyes, I can feel his fear, his revulsion when I stand before
him, there is nothing I can do to change that. He will always chase me
away, like the monster that I am," quiet revulsion fills her words "but
then again, I gave hime every reason to feel that way, did I not? I've
hounded
him, drugged him, threatened those close to him.... Ive made myself into
the moster that he fights, mother, the foul creature that he defends his
friends
and family from mother, and there is nothing I can do to change that
impression he has of me, its to late, and I cant take it anymore!"
In this paragraph, you've repeatedly forgotten to include apostrophes for
terms such as I'm, I've, can't. Also, you switched prose from past to
present. Also, Mother should be capitalized.
Whenever you end or interrupt a dialogue for prose, use either a period or a
comma. It's more grammatically appropriate that way. Also, whenever you begin
a dialogue, you should capitalize the first word, unless it's a continuation
of a previous dialogue, clearly indicated by series of dashes or ellipses.
As she spoke, her rocking motion on the ledge became more and more
pronounced. Ranma-chan knew she had to do something before Kodachi allowed
herself to fall. Attempting to restrain her physically would be far to
dangerous, there was less than a foot of space on the ledge, and no real
to -> too
'Allowed' doesn't sound right in this case to me. Perhaps rewrite it as,
"Ranma-chan realized that she had to do something before Kodachi jumped off
the ledge."?
hand holds at all. If she were away from the ledge, the chances of stopping
her would go up exponentially, if ranma where in male form, that would
Handholds is a single word, not seperated.
Names should be capitalized. Also, Kodachi is a single person, so it should
read as 'If she _was_ away..."
be easy, simply stand at the center of the tower and call out to Kodachi,
hell, doing that he would need a crowbar to remove her. For the first time
that
night, Ranma-chan silently cursed the old washer woman that had soaked
I'd suggest omitting 'For the first time that night' - It's really not
important. Besides, Ranma probably has cursed the old woman enough for three
lifetimes.
her on her way here -Talking to her as I am now would simply provoke an
attac.... Of course!! I'ts just as ood, stand in the center, piss her
off, then get her off the tower when she attacks me..- Plan in mind, she
took
up her position and then spoke.
I'ts should be It's
It'd read better if you added a 'With' before Plan.
"What Kodachi? Are you really gonna make it that easy for me to get Ranma?"
What, Kodachi?
Or better yet, rewrite the sentence as "What about Ranma, Kodachi? Are you
really gonna make it that easy for me to get him?"
Perfect, the perfect position to stop her, the perfect phrase to get her
to fly off the handle, everything was perfect... except that Kodachi was not
cooperating.
"You... somehow it is fitting that you should be here." her voice was
devoid of any emotion, her eyes had no spark at all "Tell Ranma-sama that
I love him... and that I apologize for my behavior" with that, she simply
let herself fall forward, off the roof.
Forgot a period at the end of sentence. Two of them. Capitalize 'w'.
Capitalize 'Her' and 'With' after the end of sentences here.
"NO!!" With one last desperate lunge, Ranma-chan threw herself at the
falling gymnast, thanking the Kami for the extra speed that her cursed
form provided. Catching Kodachi by an ankle, she frantaclly grabbed for the
One _last_ desperate lunge? Ranma hadn't made any motions other than standing
up and calling out for her. Better omit that word, and rewrite it as, 'With a
desperate lunge,..."
Change an to her for 'by an ankle'
Frantaclly is spelled as 'frantically'
ledge itself to keep from falling, latching on to it, she felt her shoulders
scream in protest as Kodachi's body impacted the side of the clock tower.
Onto is a word.
Slowly and laboriosly she pulled herself back onto the roof, dragging
Kodachi behind her. Once they were safe, she examined the unconsious
gymnast, finding only minor bruising -Why Kodachi, why this?- The answer
'Laboriously' is misspelled as laboriosly, and change brusing to bruises so
it sounds better.
came to her almost immediately, every thing she hade ever said to her,
every blow struck, every insult hurled, all whirling around in her head as
she
gazed at Kodachi's tear streaked face.
hade -> have
I think the sentence would read nicely if seperated into two by a semicolon
placed after 'insult hurled' and adding 'they' afterwards.
"Im sorry, Kodachi" she whispered, "I'm so sorry...." Gathering the
unconcious girl in her arms, she made a silent vow to never let things
get this far out of hand again, even if it meant watching over Kodachi like
a hawk for as long as necessary. That decided, she made her way down the
stairs and out into the night, towards the Kuno Mansion.
End dialogue with a peroid or a comma, always.
Overall, nice premise to begin with, by exploring Kodachi's personality. I'm
not fond of her personally, but once in a while it's nice to see someone
trying to put her into a positive light.
As for the grammar/content, you need to run this through a spell-checker. I
caught some spelling errors, and in some areas you switched tenses, from past
to present. I'm not pointing out all errors in here, but you should have some
understanding of the basic errors you made and correct them.
Again, you should use a spell-checker. It isn't that bad here- I've seen
worse, but readers would appreciate if you did.
Until I find something new to write, Ja ne-
Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com> formerly Sailor Alpha
Fanfics, projects at http://www.gehirn.com/ | gehirn = brain in German
"In the name of the Moon, I will let my friend Sailor Moon punish you!"
-Sailor Mercury, Alternate Visions, part 4