Subject: [FFML] [R1/2/TM!/Eva]The Lemon Song
From: "Matthew Harrison" <musko_no_kaji@hotmail.com>
Date: 7/28/1999, 3:34 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Now, I would like to make it clear that this is not a songfic.

This is a song ABOUT fanfics.

Lemon fanfics, in particular.

And I have all but three approvals from the authors mentioned- Caroline 
Seawright, because I couldn't trace her E-mail; Tank Cop and Washuu, because 
they deserve the vitriol in this. THIS IS NOT A FLAME, either; it is simply 
a song about fanfics...


==============================================================


The Lemon song


Let�s write a nice romantic lemon,
The kind by Kun-chan or Happosai.
Epics where the heroine needs
Courage to touch the hero�s thigh.;
Let the reader get to grips
With the riding crops and grinding hips,
The heaving bosoms and the subdued flirts,
The thigh high boots and the Chinese shirts;
Caroline Seawright has the rest outclassed;
For when she writes the word period it refers to the past.

To write a good lemon fanfic, a Mills and Boon style epic,
Begin with a bishojo heroine who�s father�s quite pathetic;
While exploring the Kunou mansion, Akane finds a secret passage;
And discovers Kodachi sending Cologne a secret message;
Then she�s captured and nearly ravished by at least one magical prince,
But escapes by her own cooking while Ranma defeats the prince;
While, beneath her bright yellow gi, strapped to one of her shapely legs,
Is a map of where Shampoo and Mousse buried the Phoenix�s eggs;
Her iinazuke admits the passionate love that he previously tried to bury,
So they�re married in secret at midnight and at last she loses her cherry-

(YES!)

Let�s write a really dark lemon,
The kind that Lara Bartram makes;
Extremely long stories where
Brother�s grab their sister�s love-cakes.
Oh make it raw and rancid
And a few drug references too;
Try injecting the pzazz
With one death or two;
You�ll find that your readers will give you thanks,
If, like Zen�s fics, there�s loads of angst.

To write a great lemon, raise a dark and steamy lather,
Begin with a teenaged hero who doesn�t get on with his father;
At least one girl is after him, while alien races attack;
But his ratio�s down a long long way and his commander�s completely slack;
He�s seduced by a troubled albino whose emotions are barely there,
He nearly kills his best friend and meets a brash girl with red hair;
His mind is losing itself, he begins to get some maturity,
He comes home to find the albino killing the redhead in the Jacuzzi;
His city burns down, his robot blows up, his girls believe some slander-
Then he defeats the last enemy and marries his commander..

(YES!)

Let�s write a disgusting Sasami lemon;
The kind by Tank Cop or Washuu;
Great loads of tripe set at any time
With plots we all can see through;
Where Sasami drops her knickers
In the onsen or with carrot-pickers;
Where she learns to use her tongue,
And there�s lots of shagging, very badly done;
And you really shouldn�t do it, though many people do-
Just pray that K�thardin doesn�t get ahold of you.

To write a Sasami lemon, a truly horrible story,
Begin with a bath scene with Washuu, who�s feeling really horny;
She catches her sister and Ryoko, who spank her bare behind,
Then she�s asked to join in, which she doesn�t really mind..
Then she wonders what her fingers can do, though she knows it�s a terrible 
sin;
She likes the feeling so much that she stuffs her hand right in...
And Tenchi comes in from the garden, not expecting what he does find-
And it gets even more disgusting when he rogers her from behind...

(EWWWWW!)

Though with the likes of Davies, we�ll surely never rank;
But we all keep writing this pile of old wank.


Original song: Best-Seller, by Fascinating Aida.




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