C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
The Accidental Goddess
A Ranma 1/2 - Aa! Megami-sama FanFiction By
D.F. Roeder
Previous chapters may be found at:
http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder
Woohoo, homepage! It's too bad that "The Prank That Wasn't"
is on indefinite hiatus, though. :(
[...]
____________________
Chapter 3 - Family Glue
____________________
A slight morning mist diffused the light of the sun as it peeked over
the Nerima skyline and fell upon the black iron gates of the Kunou
estate. The air was still, and birds tittered and chatted among the
trees and bushes artfully landscaped around the entrance. Squirrels
congregated in a clearing and chased each other around, practicing for
more serious pursuits in the seasons to come.
Ahem. :j
[...]
The iron gates began to rattle in their stanchions as a wind picked up,
but the motion confined itself to passing through the iron bars, coming
from nowhere and going nowhere. The velocity increased, and the path of
the gale bent around and back through the latticework, creating a small
cyclone. The wind's strength continued to build, and debris and leaf
litter were picked up and added to the yellow and dark gray smoke that
had begun to color the growing maelstrom.
suggest: As the wind's strength continued to build, debris, leaves, and
litter were picked up.
(What's leaf litter?)
The gyrating and turbulent sphere of darkling smoke and wind moved away
from the fence and positioned itself just inside the gates. Its
intensity increased momentarily before exploding outward in streaks of
yellow and dark gray interspersed with dead and dying leaves and twigs.
Well, I had to look up darkling, to see if it is a real word, and it is!
"being or taking place in the dark." It sounds like plain old "dark
smoke" might be more appropriate.
In the fury's place, a woman stood. She tossed her curly dark-blonde
hair off of her shoulders with the backs of both hands and surveyed her
surroundings. Satisfied, she laughed softly to herself in a rough and
husky voice. A large hand mirror appeared in her hand, conjured forth
to check the set of her clothing and to survey any damage to her
appearance caused by her violent mode of travel.
suggest: backs of her hands
(Is it necessary to say both?)
Happy that the larger portion of her face and hair had escaped
unscathed, she examined her apparel. The green silk blouse still hung
well from her shoulders, and she pulled some hair from inside the
collar, straightening the collar as she did so. She smoothed down her
tight, gray leather mini and bent around to check the fitting around
her rump -- she wanted that to be very *noticeable*.
suggest: fitting around her butt
(Actually, I suspect Mara would use the term @ss, but I don't know
if you want that language. "Rump" sounds more like a cut of meat
then a body part, though.)
She primped her hair one final time before dispelling the mirror, and
Mara, Class I Demon, cocked her hands on her hips and smiled a feral
smile, teeth flashing in the grey light. She looked up the paved
entrance to the mansion.
suggest: and smiled ferally
(It's a word I tell you! Ignore the dictionary!)
[...]
Twin stars of black power appeared in her hands, and with a mighty
yell, she bathed the branch in searing power. The tree limb burned
black for about 20 seconds before falling off its host tree. Mara
opened her mouth, intending to let loose an evil cackle, when a shaft
of light from a break in the canopy caught and flashed on a second
vertical wire attached to the limb. With her mouth still open, Mara
grimly considered the perpetrator of these crimes against demonkind.
<What kind of sick bastard double wires a booby tra-->
I can tell it's true love. ;)=
In her underworld quarters, Demon Class I Mara slammed down her third
whisky neat. <Tomorrow... yeah, that's it! I'll go see him tomorrow.>
She shakily reached out for the bottle to pour herself a fourth.
Aw. [pout] And I so wanted to see them together!
[...]
"You call that *trainin'*, Pops?!" a resonant and slightly husky female
voice called.
Hmm. Resonant and husky are not words I'd use to describe girl-type
Ranma's voice. :) (Not so sure about goddess-type Ranma.)
[...]
"Why, you, I'll have you know I--" *CLANG* "URK!!" *SPLASH* A severely
dented washtub fell to the ground.
Um... Where did that come from? ^_^;
[...]
In the guest room of the Tendou home, a white-haired woman cracked her
eyes open and muttered, "What the... Don't they ever give it a rest?
Yelling, shouting..." Urd, Norn and Goddess of the Past, humphed and
rolled over, pulling the blanket over her head. She drifted back into a
half-doze, and her thoughts ran freely through the events of the
previous evening.
I believe all the rooms of the Tendo house are already filled up:
http://www.dougmacd.net/ranma/house.html
Although, since Happosai seems to have found himself banished to
another "-helm" for the time being, I'm sure they'd be happy to
put her there.
It'll be interesting to see what happens when he gets back, of
course. ;)
[...]
The Kunou boy had only just laid eyes on the tableau of Akane and his
"pig-tailed goddess" apparently making out, with everyone watching,
when Akane had burst out of the clinch, leaving Ranma's nude female
form open to momentary scrutiny. As Kunou's nose began to leak blood,
Akane, glowing blue from a jealous rage, had booted Kunou into a high
arc over Nerima Ward.
Akane: *Apparently* making out? [raises eyebrow]
Ranma: Well, I *am* naked.
Akane: So?
Ranma: And you *are* all over me...
Akane: [stops [glomping and smooching]
Ranma: Not that that's a Bad Thing...
cap: ward.
(I think.)
Further, Akane's rage had seemed to have exorcised kami-Ranma's little
shot of "love me" juice, and Akane had stood there for several moments,
a distant expression gradually settling on her face. With her eyes and
thoughts turned inward, Akane had slowly made her way up the stairs and
into her room; she didn't come back down for what remained of the
evening.
What? No anger or embarrassment? Hmmm...
[...]
Urd sat up, the last vestige of sleep shaken from her mind. <What
the... That sounded awfully familiar.> The window in the guestroom
opened onto blue sky, so, uneasy, she willed her blue goddess robe on
and left. After making her way to the backyard, she saw a charred and
smoking Genma and Ranma lying about three meters apart. Midway between
them, a sparkling message plaque was etched into the soil. <Oh, boy...
I guess I should've expected this sooner or later.> Urd stepped up and
began to silently read the missive from on high.
Is there writing in the soil, or a plaque? If the latter...
Nabiki: MINE!!!
Ranma: Geez, what's with you?
Nabiki: Just think! The ultimate collector's item! Signed by
Kami-sama himself! [drool] I'll make a mint selling it to
some church!
[...]
Kasumi blushed slightly and said, with a sparkle in her eye, "Well, we
certainly wouldn't want the Tendou family to be on the bad side of the
kami. Ne, Ranma-sama?"
As voiced by Hayashibara Megami. ;)
[...]
Kasumi laughed and relieved Ranma of the empty cup. "Any time, oh
heavenly one." Continuing to lightly laugh at their banter, Kasumi
strolled back into the house to continue with the preparation of
breakfast, and Ranma couldn't help but smile at the eldest Tendou
daughter's humor. She gasped, then relaxed. <Why didn't Kasumi get some
of what Akane had? Maybe I didn't have any left or somethin'. But if
that's the case, Akane shouldn't of gotten zapped either.> *SIGH* <All
this is makin' my head hurt.> Ranma then spied Urd studying ground zero
of that strange lightning strike, so she pulled herself up and walked
over, sparing the still unconscious Genma a redeye and a wagging
tongue.
suggest: <Why didn't Kasumi get love-zapped like Akane?>
or: <Why didn't Kasumi get any love-me juice like Akane?>
(Provide a little context for what Akane "had".)
"A message from Kamisama." Urd looked up to see Ranma several yards
away and staring wildly at the plaque. "Relax, Ranma. It's just writing
in the dirt. The only fireworks were the ones that toasted you and the
panda-man." Ranma still radiated reluctance.
suggest: Kami-sama.
(You use the hyphenated form when Kasumi banters to Ranma, and I think
it's a little clearer that it's a highly honorific form of god, rather
than just a name.)
"Yeah, maybe! But it's from, from Kamisama!" Ranma began to shift
around, looking in all directions. "Awww, Man! This kinda stuff always
gets me into trouble!"
Urd: This kind of stuff? You get magical plaques very often?
Ranma: Do magical pickle recipes count?
Kirin: You can't imagine my happiness when you were associated
with the Norn gods and not the Seven Lucky Gods! To be forced
into your company...
Benten: And to have to change our names to the Eight Lucky Gods!
Ebiten: Yeah, that's not a very lucky number at all!
[...]
The only thing Ranma could come up with in reply was, "4:00 PM... They
have clocks in *Heaven*?!"
Heavenly Standard Time? :)
[...]
A figure slid back down the outside of the wall surrounding the Tendou
compound, scraping his hands a little on the stones' rough surface.
suggest: tiles'
or: stone tiles'
(The walls appear to be covered with a peaked roofing tile.)
[...]
Crouching, he blew on his hands to cool the burn. Looking both ways
down the narrow alley, he muttered to himself. "Damn goddesses,
hovering around all the time. I'll never get the prize at this rate."
"The prize"? Would that be Ranma-sama?
Retsujouki climbed to his feet and walked down the passage, strolling
nonchalantly into the mix of pedestrians on the sidewalk. He kept his
hands jammed into his pockets, not to hide the scrapes but to keep the
tremors from being visible. Something about this new goddess was
getting to him.
suggest: not only to hide... but also to
(He strikes me as the narcissistic type.)
<What fire! What beauty! What spirit!! Oh, how sweet her nectar must
be!> His trembling momentarily increased.
This is sounding like banter out of Garden on Eva... ^_^;
<I need a plan.> However, nothing immediately occurred to him, not with
the Norns on guard. On his fourteenth circuit of the block, Resujouki's
frustration finally got the better of him, and he recklessly scaled the
wall behind the dojo. <I've got to get into those panties!!>
There's a big collection in Happosai's room...
suggest: nothing occurred to him -- not with
[...]
"WOO-HOOOO!!! HAAAAHAHAHAAAA!!! Pretty LADIES!!! Well... some of you,
anyway, but I still cherish you all!! HOTCHAAAAA!!!"
If it's got breasts, he can ignore the occasional tail, hoof, horn or
wing.
[...]
The little girl joined the flying, running, and slithering horde as it
chased a giddy Master Happousai across the reaches of Niflheim.
I can picture it now: demonesses, impettes, and succubi, wielding
infernal mallets and chasing down Happi... "Niflball!"
As she did on many mornings, Saotome Nodoka busied herself with helping
Kasumi prepare the mountain of food that represented a typical
breakfast for the extended household. Of course, there were now herself
and Ranma's new mentor to feed, as well. Nodoka didn't mind at all. She
relished the rediscovered need her family had for her, a need that had
vanished during the long, long training trip Genma had taken her son
on. If she'd known the sheer pain and loneliness that would result, she
would never have agreed to anything Genma came up with in those days.
suggest: busied herself, helping Kasumi
Nodoka smiled at Kasumi and Ranma sharing a joke after her son, er,
daughter finished her coffee. Nodoka shook her head. <Poor Ranma. I've
never seen anyone attract so much trouble and strangeness.> Nodoka
<...To say nothing of finacees.>
returned to stirring the miso as Kasumi, still chuckling, walked back
into the kitchen.
"How is she?" Nodoka asked.
"She's... Ranma. Tough and strong."
Kasumi: Fortunately, Akane's tenderizing him.
Akane: Ranma no baka! [wham!]
Nodoka smiled at the soup in front of her. "Yes, she *has* done well,
hasn't she?" Her smile faded away, replaced by a little sadness as her
shoulders drooped fractionally. In response, Kasumi spoke with concern.
Genma: Why yes, she has done well. And WHO'S to thank for that?
[...]
Kasumi frowned. <*Old* woman, my fanny.> She quietly determined to
somehow turn Ranma's situation into a way to shorten the distance
between mother and child.
I don't claim to know Japanese, but doesn't oba-sama basically mean
"old lady"? 'Cause that's what Kasumi just called her.
The rumble of an approaching motorcycle and the sound of it stopping in
front of the compound interrupted everyone's thoughts. Urd stepped into
the house. <Good. Bell's here.>
Funny, I more picture *Urd* as a Hell's Angel. ;)
Morisato Keiichi pulled his old motorcycle to the curb in front of the
home Belldandy indicated. Belldandy rode in the sidecar, having given a
constant stream of directions to him on the way. Keiichi just shook his
head and thanked... well, someone that he hadn't gotten them lost. He
moved around to the sidecar and helped Belldandy to her feet. He spared
a second or two to admire how stylish she looked in her riding cloak
and hat.
Unfortunately, she was so busy getting directions from the spirits,
that she forgot to set up a low-level barrier to keep the bugs away...
[...]
"I'm going to have to break you of that embarrassment one of these
days, you know."
Awfully forward of Bell, isn't that?
[...]
Feeling a sudden urge, Belldandy moved up and brushed her lips lightly
against his. She moved back, leaving an even more flustered Keiichi
staring. He was turning ruby-red... but enjoying it. A round of
clapping from the gate intruded into the moment.
A sudden urge? Are goddesses affected by "love me" juice? 8)
Kami-sama: So you're the one that's caused us all the trouble...
Ranma: Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this...
Kami-sama: Don't worry; you're [zap] The most delectable
creature in all of My creation. I must have you!!!
Ranma: eep!
"Woooo! Go, girl!" Urd hooted. "Now, if we could just get that to move
a little farther along--"
Genma, Soun, and Nabiki: ...Then don't interrupt them while they
are in the middle of it!
Ranma: Pot.
Akane: Kettle.
Ranma and Akane: Black.
[...]
"Ohayou gozaimasu, Belldandy-san." Kasumi rose from her bow and smiled
at Keiichi. "I don't believe we've been introduced."
Would Belldandy rate a -sama?
[...]
"Can't I have *nothin'* my own?!" Ranma yelled. "You don't even LIKE
coffee, but there you are, stealin' my cup! ARGH!!" She leapt out of
the hole and at the man. The man had managed to gain his feet, and the
two fighters went at it, tooth and nail.
suggest: *nothin'* of my own?!
or : *nothing'* for myself?!
"EVERYTHING is training, lazy boy! NO! Lazy GIRL!!" Kicks lashed out,
defenses were probed, and the battle raged around to the back of the
house. Curious and a little stunned, the irregular onlookers followed.
Genma: Foolish Goddess! Think with your gut, not with your
preternatural heavenly senses!
suggest: the visitors followed.
("irregular onlookers" sounds awkward. Does Urd still count a visitor?)
Once in the backyard proper, Ranma finally managed to sweep Genma's
feet and, in a defiance of gravity common for a Saotome, tossed her
father into the koi pond. To Keiichi's lasting amazement and the
goddesses' secret delight, a gigantic panda rose from the water, a koi
caught and flopping in the arm of the bear's gi. The fish fell out of
the clothing when the bear pawed a large amount of water out of the
pond and onto Ranma. As Ranma stood there, the water began to rise as
steam from her body.
suggest: in a defiance of gravity common for Saotomes
(Heavenly or otherwise...)
[...]
"You... you... you made me skin my knuckles," she whispered, which
became a shout. "HE'll think I'm some stupid TOMBOY or somethin'.
And lo, the Angel of Death arrived...
Akane: Is there something WRONG with being a tomboy?
Actually, each of the goddesses *do* have angels, right...? 8)
[...]
Panda-chan's eyes opened to dinner-plate size. "Oh, crap--" he signed
just as he was engulfed in a scorching ball of pain.
Genma is a shining example of education in Japan's society. Why,
even as he's about to be roasted, he take the time to *write down*
his thoughts! How literate!
When the last tendrils of energy dissipated and the smoke cleared, a
solid black shape stood in the pond, swirls for eyes. The shape fell
back and floated belly up in the water.
suggest: The form toppled over
Urd had been laughing since the fight started, and she was now rolling
on the grass, beating the turf with one fist and howling. Belldandy and
Keiichi stood there blinking. Ranma lazily sauntered up and cocked her
hands on her shapely hips. "Ranma one, pandas nothin'," she declared.
Urd barked another series of laughs and then managed to sit up and wipe
the tears from her eyes. A small grin had also cracked Belldandy's and
Keiichi's faces.
Belldandy is kind to everyone, even her enemies. I'd think she'd try
to help poor Mister Panda!
[...]
"Sure, unless you were born a *guy*." Ranma looked up at Bell. "Sheesh!
I don't even care anymore if I spend half my time as a girl. I've kinda
gotten used to it, after all I've been through. Heh, it's even handy
sometimes." Thoughts of Ryouga's discomfiture flitted through her mind,
but her face turned grim, again. "I hope it doesn't take *too* long to
learn that spell." Ranma stared at the ground while Belldandy rubbed
her shoulders and tried to think of a helpful reply.
suggest: learn that spell, so I can change back.
or: the spell that will let me change back.
(Provide some context back to chapter two.)
"You were a guy?!" Keiichi blurted. Ranma nodded without looking up.
"No way! I mean, you're so... so..."
"'So' what?" Ranma asked in a dangerous tone of voice, which Keiichi
failed to recognize.
"Well... so KAWAII!"
I would have said "stacked"...
[...]
"HEY!" Ranma sat up straight and unconsciously thrust her chest out a
little. Urd mimicked her, and they had a ten-second bust battle. Urd
broke the competition with another comment.
...Broke the competition when she realized that, for the second time,
she had lost a bust battle to guy. ("Miss Keiichi")
[...]
"Just remember one very important thing, Ranma-chan." The warmth and
moisture entering her ear made Ranma shiver in a not-so-unpleasant
fashion. "NEVER underestimate the power that body of yours can have
over men AND women. I certainly don't." Urd leaned back, giving Ranma a
smoky look.
...complimented by the smoke coming out of Ranma's ears.
[...]
"If you weren't so in love with Akane-chan, I might... well, you get
the idea." Urd could barely keeping from giggling as she turned up the
heat of her gaze. Ranma was the bird before the snake.
suggest: the mouse before the cat.
(Snakes aren't an issue for most birds. And putting Urd in the role
of cat is so appropriate!)
[...]
"GAH! I don't remember doin' anything like THAT! I didn't do nothin',
did I?!" Ranma was fast approaching meltdown, trying to remember
anything *she* had done. She could only remember Akane being all over
her, not the other way around!
Talk about a wasted opportunity!
Unnoticed by either, a second-story window overlooking the side yard
soundlessly slid shut.
Way to go, stupid! [smacks head]
[...]
On the grounds of a wealthy estate, a young woman with her hair tied in
a ponytail to one side was tending rows upon rows of black roses inside
a large greenhouse. Without warning, she sneezed.
suggest: pulled back to one side in a ponytail
"Ara?" <What? I'm not allergic to... Ah ha! Ranma-sama must be thinking
of me!> "Oh, Darling Ranma! Your Kodachi is thinking of you, too! OOOO-
HO-HO-HO-HOOOOOO!!" For no *apparent* reason, Kunou Kodachi began
bounding around the greenhouse, black rose petals rising in a storm.
If Urd's laugh made Kodachi sneeze, would Kodachi's laugh make Urd sneeze?
I can sense some sort of natural limiting mechanism at work, here...
[...]
"Ha-ha-haaaa-chooooo!!" She rubbed her nose against her sleeve.
Real classy, Ranma, before seeing Kami-sama.
[...]
Genma abruptly held a blackened sign in front of Keiichi's face. "So,
son. Do any martial arts?" The question also piqued Soun's interest.
Keiichi looked back and forth between the panda and the man, both of
them radiating physical confidence. "Uhhh..." he began weakly.
Soun: Do you want to?
Panda-Sign: The best way to learn is through PRACTICE!
[sounds of cracking knuckles]
Keiichi: eep!
[...]
With extra hands, the meal was ready in record time. Genma had cleaned
his panda form and was limbering up the digits of his paws for the
thrice-daily unrestricted food training with his daughter, but Nodoka's
glare changed his mind; it was a supreme effort, but he managed. Ranma,
still inwardly searching, walked in and took in the spread.
Inwardly searching for what?
[...]
Ranma thought about it for a second and then rose to her feet. With
determination she climbed the stairs and knocked on Akane's door. When
it became apparent that no answer was coming, Ranma opened the door,
incidentally shattering the lock, and strode in. The people waiting
downstairs heard a brief argument rise and fall and a couple of
*thumps*. Shortly, sporting two lumps on her head, a serious Ranma
plodded down the stairs with a rumpled Akane in tow.
I think there should be more to this. We are never really told what
Akane's post-juice mood was, or her reaction to Ranma's comment
(assuming it was her window that shut).
Furthermore, I don't recall how Ranma would know if Akane was in a
bad mood and "doesn't want to be around him." In either case, I'd
like to see some words out of Akane, not just some bumps on Ranma.
"So, sensei. What's Heaven like? What're we gonna be doin' there?"
Several eaters did a spit take.
cap: Sensei
[...]
Nodoka was wringing her napkin into shreads. "You *are* coming back...
RIGHT?!"
Heh. :)
[...]
Keiichi chuckled. "Is it anything like how she decorated *my* room,
that one time?" he asked.
"Worse," Belldandy said.
Again, I'm finding Belldandy somewhat out of character. Didn't she think
that Urd's redecoration of Keiichi's room "darling"? I seem to recall him
explaining that it was made to look like a love hotel...
"Biiii-daaaa!" Urd wagged her tongue at Keiichi and showed the inside
of her eyelid.
"Sensei," Ranma prodded, "about the trip?"
"...Sensei, you show ALMOST as much maturity as my old man."
[...]
<Martial stuff?> Panda-chan thought, as his mind began an all too
familiar slide down a logical slippery slope. <Martial ARTS stuff?!
SCROLLS?!?!> His ears were now thrumming, his mouth opened in a rictus,
teeth showing, and his eyes glazed over, thinking of all the marvelous
things that could find their way into a pocket or two.
A rictus connotes a grimace to me. It sounds painful.
[...]
Soun sat back with a contented sigh. "Ladies, you have outdone
yourselves. That was a magnificent breakfast." The mountain had been
reduced to a plain.
Or indeed, a barren wasteland...
[...]
"Why do I have the feelin' ya already got somethin' in mind?" Ranma
felt vindicated when Kasumi allowed that oft hidden glint of
intelligence to shine in her eyes.
sp: oft-hidden
(I think.)
"Well, I was thinking. What is it that you and your mother have in
common, now? Hmmm?" Kasumi kept her eyes locked with Ranma's.
"Half my genes?"
[...]
Before Kasumi had finished her sentence, Ranma had hold of Urd,
pleading blue eyes staring into green. "Oh, please, sensei! Can she go
along? Can she?"
cap: Sensei
(When used as a title, capitalize it.)
[...]
"Thanks, sensei!" Ranma grew even more kawaii, her pupils expanding to
engulf the whites of her eyes.
cap: Sensei
[...]
He stopped short when he spied a strange man crawling over the stone
compound wall. Using an unrestricted concealment technique, he made
himself part of the scenery - insofar as a black and white panda could,
that is.
He pulled out a sign: "Why couldn't we be in the manga?"
[...]
His appearance now satisfactory, under the circumstances, he abruptly
fell into a crouch and sneaked across to the dojo wall. He crept along
the wall and was almost to the corner, when--
suggest: He crept along it and almost reached
(Removed the extra "wall".)
[...]
Panda-chan narrowed his eyes and flipped the sign around. "Already got
rid of one lecher." Flip. "Don't need another."
*WHAP!* *WHAP-WHAP!!*
Retsujouki, Lord Demon of Lust, fell to the ground unconscious, lumps
for horns. Panda-chan picked his victim up and held him out at arm's
length, positioning him just so.
*BOOT!!*
That ungrateful family doesn't realize what Genma does for them!
[...]
"Wait a minute... PEORTH?!?!"
Um... Doesn't she work for a *rival* office? ^_^;;;
[...]
"Quit calling me *Urd-chan*!"
"Whatever you say, Urdie."
Revised ending of "One Grew Over the Kuno's Nest":
Kasumi: Bye bye, Urdie!
(ahem)
[...]
"Peorth, what are you doing on the switchboard? Class I's don't man
phones."
sp: Is
suggest: Class one goddesses
(Technically, you only use an apostrophe for contractions,
never for plurals.)
[...]
"That's it! Your doing time on *menial* stuff!! OH-HO-HO-HOOOOO!!!"
sp: you're
[...]
The sound of grinding teeth came through the handset clearly. Peorth
sighed. "What's the request and who's the goddess?" she said as if
disinterested.
punc: said, as if
"Um, Kamisama's called me and her to a meeting this afternoon, and she
wants to bring her mother along."
This sentence is a little awkward. While grammatically correct, the
"me and her" sounds odd after the verb, and "she" could be Ranma or
Kami-sama... (Kami-sama is implied, being the previous subject.)
[...]
"No. Not just like that. This will cost her some favors to cut through
the red tape. Not from YOU, by the Kami, but from the new one. Put her
on the phone."
I'm sorry, but Peorth saying "by the Kami" to Urd seems just... wrong. :)
"Er, that's me."
"Eh?"
"That's I."
(It's grammatically correct! ;) The predicate nominative!)
[...]
"Well... whatever. You'll have to talk to the higher-ups about that.
Now, I can fix it so that you can bring your mother, but it *will* cost
you some favors. One to me and to each person up the line. Understand?"
"Favors like what?"
"It's not polite to ask."
Kami-kun: There's this cute goddess, and I really want to sleep
with her! Can you give her a shot of "love-me" juice for me?
Ranma: ...
[...]
Peorth considered that for a moment, but she found nothing she could
reasonably object to. "You're getting smart in your golden years, Urd-
chan. Deal!"
Yep. Urd looks young, but she's really getting on in years.
I mean, look at her hair! It's gone completely gray!
[...]
Urd slapped her forehead. "Of course, you don't. This is only your
second day of divinity." She led Ranma into the tearoom and sat her
down.
punc: Of course you don't.
(I think.)
[...]
"Kasumi?" Urd asked. "Is it okay to use the dojo? I need a big space
and relative quiet."
Kasumi laughed. "Yes, you can, but I can't guarantee the quiet. Not
around here."
"...Fortunately, none of the fighting actually occurs in the dojo."
[...]
Ranma looked up and watched her for a second before chuckling. "And I
thought *I* was a bad liar. I see where I get it from."
So Genma's a good liar? [boggle]
[...]
"Do you like katanas?" Ranma asked, in a serious tone.
Knowing the author, I can't help but think that this is a
euphemism... "Does your scabbard ever feel... not so fresh?"
[...]
Nodoka buried her face in Ranma's bosom and tried to regain control of
her emotions. Ranma held her, but she found herself distracted by the
strange 'rightness' of cradling someone like this and the sensations it
carried with it. She shook her head, and Nodoka looked up because of
the motion.
His mother's face in his bosom is "right"? [ogle]
[...]
She took in the scene of mother and daughter before her. It was very
sweet, but... A familiar smile settled on her face, and the lines in
her face relaxed. <If that silly gaijin woman can make a fortune
stuffing babies in flowerpots... There's a market for this
*somewhere*!> She snapped a couple more photos for good measure.
I'm probably glad I don't get this reference, aren't I?
[...]
Cologne surveyed the four walls and ceiling of her kingdom away from
home and felt cramped. She blew air out of her nose. <Three-thousand
years of glorious Amazon history, and I'm running a restaurant in
another country. Where in all of this did I go wrong...>
Nekohanten menu:
Ramen: Recipe is the culmination of 2750 years of Amazon history.
Egg Rolls: Recipe is the culmination of 2600 years of Amazon history.
Lo Mein: Recipe is the culmination of 3000 years of Amazon history.
[...]
"Shampoo hate restaurant, hate Japan... Miss village... Want airen.
Take and go home."
cap: Airen
(It's being used as Ranma's title.)
[...]
"Want go home."
"I know, child, I know. I feel the same."
This strikes me as coming out of nowhere. They've never expressed a
problem with working in a restaurant in Japan before. What's changed?
[...]
Shampoo considered her great-grandmother's words, and then a smirk
crossed her face. "Shampoo guess where. Always trouble find airen, ne?"
cap: Airen.
Cologne chuckled. "Yes, yes. That seems to be the general direction I'm
sensing. By the Ancestors, the poor boy must be marked by the kami."
That's *as* a kami. :j
[...]
"Then child," she gently swatted Shampoo on the rump with her staff,
"leave us depart and see what trouble has found Son-in-Law, this time!
Maybe we can help."
suggest: let us depart
[...]
*SMACK!* A fourth lump, courtesy of Cologne's gnarled staff, began its
slow rise.
And They Shall Rise Again!
Mousse: [whimper]
[...]
Ranma stepped up to the door, the floorboards creaking a little under
her weight, and raised her hand to knock. She held it there for several
seconds, but eventually lowered it, unused. She sighed and put her chin
on her chest. After a few moments, she shuffled down the squeaking
stairs and out to the dojo.
Watch out! That hand's still loaded! It could knock at anytime!
(Suggest deleting the "usused" part.)
The door behind the wooden duck swelled out slightly from a weight
pressing against the other side.
After all, Ranma broke the lock, so bracing against the door was the
only way to keep him out! ;)
[...]
Nodoka leaned over and pecked her daughter on the cheek. "Thank you. I
believe I might now pass muster." Nodoka tilted her head with a bemused
expression.
You're just seeing Kami-sama. No pressure.
What's *is* the dress code to meet Kami-sama, anyway? Shirt and tie?
[...]
<Better at Ranma, in spite of your faults.>
[...]
<Okay, okay. Enough already. Besides, why am *I* better at Ranma?>
suggest: better for Ranma
[...]
"Yea, yeah," Skuld mumbled. She put away her device and stood to watch
her sister disappear. <If only,> she thought halfheartedly.
If only what?
[...]
..Genma's kicking feet hit the destination circle and smeared a couple
of runes. Urd and Nodoka vanished, the lights flashed once and went
out, and Genma fell backwards to the floor, unconscious.
He should be thankful that his head wasn't transported to heaven.
(I suspect the rest of his body would soon follow, taking a more
traditional route ;) Too bad they didn't think to put those force
fields *beyond* the runes, so they wouldn't be scratched.
[...]
Without a word, Shampoo leapt to the rooftops and sped towards the
Tendou compound, as if the hounds of hell were nipping at her heels.
"The Hounds of Hell Nipping at their Toes."
That's how that Christmas song goes, right?
[...]
Akane, however, locked her eyes onto Ranma's. "Make sure you DO come
back. I wouldn't... I couldn't live with-... out... ARGH!!" Akane
grabbed Ranma's face and planted a kiss on her lips.
..and groped parts South?
[...]
Belldandy's fingers went to the side of her face. "Oh, dear. You know
what we are."
"...I'm afraid I'll have to kill you, now."
She tilted her head and smiled winningly.
[...]
"This accident caused, well, hmmm. Let's see, the Personnel Files in
Yggdrasil were hacked and... No, that's no good."
This is why you shouldn't use the passive voice -- it lets you
hide the person who did the action. Isn't it more fun to say that
"Nabiki hacked the Yggdrasil system and turned Ranma in the Goddess
of Sex" ;)
Well, another fun part! Although I miss some of the more outrageous
behavior from Ranma and Akane. And was hoping for some from Kuno! ;_;
My only complaint (if any) would be the portayal of Belldandy. She
seems rather, well, grounded, and much more aware of some of the
"naughtier" aspects of life than normal.
Looking forward to the next part!
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"