Hi.  
Interesting beginning, that.  I like the language Alex
uses, I also like the pun about "curiouser and
curioser", what with Alex sounding like Alice. 
Anyway, you need a bit of revision work on your tenses
and commas, I'll C&C below.  However, intriguing idea,
I'm interested in where you'll be taking it.

this place both magic and sorcery co-existed ranging
from a lowly cudgel as a 
weapon, to gigantic starships.  RhyDin was the

Magic and sorcery?  Don't you mean "magic and
science"?

red hair swayed limply in the breeze.  Her light
green eyes glisten in the 

glistened

sun's embrace, and a soft smile adorned her lips. 
Quite literally, Cavalyn 
was the perfect place for her, with lush gardens and
kinder people.  Of 

Just a question: kinder people?  Kinder than what?

which seemed to pop up from nowhere.
	With a sigh the young woman hefted her pack which

characterized her 

pack, which

see nothing.  "This be too strange, by Falis this be
not good."

A run on, I suggest :"This be too strange.  By Falis,
this be not good."

	"Alex!" A call came from the other direction,
definitely feminine.  

Sorry about being so nitpicky, but: what was
feminine--the call, or the direction?  Neither makes
sense.  Suggest: A voice came from the other
direction, definitely feminine.

castle Mama... it be too dangerous out here!" Alex's
voice was as harp as 
needles, 

As sharp as needles

	Alexia's mother took a step back with a nod, then

took of slowly.  

took off

tree could move 
upon it's own accord and squirrels could be trained

its own accord

in Cavalyn's boarders, the necromancer known as

boarders?  Do you mean "borders"?

	Feeling that she could find no creature in the
bush, she continues 
through the foliage.  Her movements kept the brush

she continued through the foliage.  Unify your tenses.

to stop her decent by 

her descent

staff like a twig which allowed her to fall into the
dark hole.

like a twig, which

pain in the side she landed on, She slowly took in
what her night vision

"she" doesn't need to be capitalized
 

inhabited the mountainous area.  She squinted as she
began to stand. 

Began to stand?  The wording is slightly awkward. 
Suggest: began to stand up.
 

"Interesting." She stated to herself, stepping

"Interesting," she stated

towards an inscription she 
found upon the wall, interestingly enough it was in
Chinese.

Run on.  Suggest: found upon the wall.  Interestingly
enough it was...

	She remembered back to her studies as a child. 
China had been a 

remembered back?  Thought back, maybe?

(sorry about the tiny nitpicks.  I'm getting a bit too
caught up in this. ;)

country in the Earth world.  With RhyDin being so
close to earth, some trade,

to Earth
 

missions, the people from earth taught the

from Earth

	Alexia began to read the inscription upon the wall,
it was simple 
enough they were two words, underneath each was an
arrow.  One was the word 

Run on again.  Suggest: upon the wall.  It was simple
enough, they were....

add comma:simple enough, they

woman.  "Jusenkyo" was the other word with its arrow
that pointed down a 
long, dark passage.

you don't need the word "that" (grammatically
incorrect).  Suggest: with its arrow pointing

before, the passage was dark, terribly so even for

was dark, terribly so, even

with her presence, filling the area with unyielding
light which made Alexia 
real back from the sudden intensity.

light, which

reel back

	Finally as her eyes adjusted to the lights she >was

the lights, she was

sy

look, making her unsure 
wither it mirrored her end of the chamber or if it

whether it mirrored

truly went on as it 
suggested.  
"Curiouser and Curiouser." She whispered under her
breath as she moved closer 

"Curiouser and Curiouser," she whispered

existence as the unexpected surprise claimed her
consciousness fading 
everything to black as a bright white light engulfed

consciousness, fading 

her body.  Then as 
quickly as the light came, it vanished along with
Alexia.

Suggest: Then as quickly as the light came, it
vanished, along with Alexia.

Suddenly opening her eyes the light from an open
window blinded her, making

 
her eyes, the light

Slowly, she began to climb out of bed, every muscle,
tendon, ligament, and 
bone ached through the effort.  Lifting her head

Suggest: ligament, and bone aching
or: of bed, though every...

enough to see her 
surroundings she finds that she rested in a small
cottage of one room. 

she found
 

Through the sparse collection of items she
concluded.  "A single man lives

Umm... sentence fragment.  How about "A single....",
she concluded, etc.  Or: collection of items, she
concluded-- "A single man..."
  

have journeyed tae a primitive society.  Weird, I
did nae think of earth tae 

of Earth

be so primitive.  Most be all brains and no

Must be

When she stepped out, the sounds of the world
screamed to her.  The sounds of 

Should be one sentence: When she stepped out, the
sounds of the world screamed to her, the sounds of 

Actually, since it's redundant, I'd advise deleting
the second sentence altogether.

life making her head scream.  "So many creatures in
one place, this must be a 
tranquil place, a druid's grove mayhap."

tranquil place: a druid's grove, mayhap."
  

again..." brushing herself off she continued on her

herself off, she continued

Continuing her forward movement, she soon found
herself standing before a 
vast network of pools.  Each one containing one or
two bamboo poles.  

network of pools, each one

"Finally some water, I be able tae drink and maybe
have a bit of a relaxing

"Finally, some water!  I be able
 
Well, that's all.  I'll be looking forward for the
next installment.
Ja ne,
K-chan

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