A very interesting story, and well written to boot.  First suggestion,
thought, would be to translate it into straight ascii before putting it in
an e-mail.  In the version I got, your ' and "s didn't translate, and made
readability a little tough.  However, your accurate spelling and
puncuation more than made up for it, though you may want to check your use
of commas here and there.

Comments to follow, spaced in the story.  Take it for what it is worth.

Jusenkyo Guide wrote:

Prolog

As short as this is, unless you are going to write a follup, you shouldn't
really label the prolog.

        The red-haired hacker was at home. Her little apartment not too far from the ADP tower. It was in a word, cute. Frilly things filled it, lots of pink stuff, except for one room. That room was more Spartan that anything that Priss or Sylia could have come up with. It was the room that she did all her work in, her true work. It was barren except for a large computer workstation that was filled with computers, toys, and gadgets that she used. Code breakers and other tools of the hackers trade. A full VR sim tank stood near by, ready to be used at its mistresss call. And of course surrounding it all, the other tools of the hackers trade, boxes of mostly empty pizza, a few had been showing signs of intelligent life as of late. Stacks of cans of this or that soda, even a few diet ones now and then littered the room The result looked like the ages old collision of a college students apartment with the headquarters of Microsoft.

With all the junk there, it might be best not to describe the room as
being so spartan.  From the initial description, you make it sound as if
the room has the workstation, and nothing else.  It might sound better to
simply say that it was less cute than the rest of the house, given over to
funtionality.
 

        Nene was currently working on a bit of a puzzle. She had been at it for about three days now and she was sure she almost had it, Sylias personal files. Normally it was not her style to go snooping around her friends stuff. But this had so many encryptions and security programs attached to it that it would be against her grain to leave something like that alone. Besides, it had been something like this that had lead her to the Knight Sabers in the first place. It would be like Sylia to put something like this just to see if her hacker could break it.

Actually, I have to argue this point.  Sylia would be far to careful, and
know Nene to well, to leave files that would incriminate her this way on
any machine hooked up to the network.  She might have a stand-alone, but
even if she did transmit them over the network, again, a risk I don't see
her taking, she would make sure no evidence remained on her machine, just
incase some one did go snooping.

        Other files were a bit surprising. There were files on each of them. They held things like past history, and disturbingly, ways to black mail them. Nene winced as she read her file, Sylia made her seem like a silly fluff headed girl, and then proceeded to say that she knew it was all a lie and cataloged each and ever time that she had hacked into the ADP data base and the GENOM network.

Having these files, Sylia would know that Nene might try something like
this, and would take precautions against it.  I find it very hard to
believe that Sylia would misjudge someone as transparent as Nene so badly.

 

        Nene was sitting in a corner, holding herself and rocking back and forth, back and forth. Her eyes were vacant and Linnas questions and desperate pleas were not answered. When the rest of the Knight Sabers and later the AD Police came to investigate, one thing was clear, Nenes computer, the love of her life, had been destroyed. Apparently by Nene herself if the cuts on the girls arms were any indication. The other sad fact was that the girl whose cheerfulness had brought such joy into the lives of the Knight Sabers and the AD Police, was gone. All that remained was an empty shell that rocked back and forth. Sometimes though, her attendants said, she would start to cry, asking only one question, "Why?"

>From what we have seen of Nene's character, I find it very hard to believe
that she would react this way.  She idolizes Sylia as sort of the perfect
leader.  Even if she did find a file like this, violence (destroying her
computer) would not be her answer.  She would probably run to Sylia,
expecting her to have some logical answer for all this.  As much as I hate
to say it, I really think this part is totally Out Of Character for Nene. 
Just my opinion.

Daniel