Variations on a Theme: Dreaming Of You
A Gundam W fanfiction
by Nikholas "Katana" F. Toledo

      I finally got this out of my head!  Here's a new record for the
"Kissing Author"; this fanfic was conceived and written in a little over
half a day.  It's my third take on the "telling each other" dynamic
between Heero and Duo, and I'm going to call this entire series of three
"Variations on a Theme".

      This was inspired by the late Selena's chart-topping hit, "Dreaming
of You".  I would have included the lyrics if I'd been able to find them
in time, but to paraphrase our braided American pilot: "I would if I
could but I can't so I won't".  Actually, that quote comes from the
children's book "Fruitcake", written by one of my favorite Philippine
bands the Eraserheads --- it's the Fruitcakean's Creed.

      I hope you enjoy reading this group of fics, just as much as I
enjoyed writing them.  1+2 forever!

                              ~ end notes ~

      Toss.
      Turn.

      "Duo Maxwell, you must rest, and get back your lost energy.  We do
not know when the enemy will strike once again.  Get some sleep ---
that's an order."

      Become one with the sheets, dammit!  Do as Noin told you!
      Pillows're on the floor, gotta get up to get to them

      ...
      Shit, this isn't as easy as I thought.

      Why did Heero have to pick next door for his quarters anyway?  Now,
I can't sleep at night, 'cause I'm thinking of what he's doing so much.

      I'm thinking of him too much!

      Only five fuckin' inches of metal between us --- I took a look at
the blueprints for this blasted cramped Peacemillion battleship --- and I
already know that his bed is right up against this wall that I'm leaning
on.  I couldn't get any closer and yet I couldn't get any further from
him than I am right now.

      If I do get some sleep, I wind up dreaming of him anyway, and the
biggest disappointment hits home every morning, or at least every time I
wake up, because all I've got in the bed with me are crumpled sheets and
no pillows.  They're all on the floor and that's just about as bad as it
can get.  I don't even have anything I can hold and pretend that it's
Heero holding me.

      Out there, in the vast vacuum of space, there are thousands of
stars.  Theoretically, I should be able to find a single twinkling star
of my own, one that isn't already being wished on by someone else.  And,
if I find it, maybe, just maybe, the one wish I've been wishing and
dreaming of all this time would come true.

      I wish I could tell Heero that I love him.

      The first time I looked into those cobalt-blue eyes of his, I
thought I would drown.  They looked so deep and timeless to me, almost as
if they could see right into my soul.

      It was the same thing when I first touched him --- some sort of
electricity shot right into my heart.  I thought it was just a twisted
kind of lust that would go away as soon as I left him to his own devices,
as soon as I turned my back on him.

      But love is something else --- you can't ever turn your back on it,
no matter how much you try, no matter how much you fight it.  It might go

away for a while, but then it sort of creeps up on you unawares, and one
day you get the shock of your life when it all comes crashing down on you
and you can't do anything more except give up and give in.

      I found all of that out in a real hurry, right when Heero self-
destructed on the windswept Siberian plain.  I knew then ---

                                        when I felt like I had died, too

                                    --- then I knew that I loved him and
that I'd been living a fool's paradise.
      I wanted to avenge his life with mine, and I probably would've done
it, too, if not for Quatre knowing somehow that he was still alive
somewhere.  He was and he saved my life and I'd had a chance right then,
but I...
         I would've,
                     if I could've,
                                    but I hadn't,
                                                  so I didn't.

      Now I'm kicking myself in the ass because I've been so stupid.

      Through the endless missions that only got worse and worse as the
world and the Space Colonial Stars braced for battle against each other,
I kept remembering how he looked at me back inside the jail cell and
asked me if I wanted him to kill me.  Why would he bother to ask, I asked
myself again and again, if I wasn't bound to him somehow?

      Even if it was only because I was a fellow Gundam pilot?

      That was the hope, however faint and flickering it was, that
sustained me through all this time of hardship and trial.  But hope isn't
and will never be enough for someone whose heart has been stolen clean
away, and by an unwitting thief to boot.

      Somehow,
      someday,
      I know I'm going to have to tell Heero to his face just how much
love I have here in my heart for him, and I'm going to have to brace
myself for the rejection that I'm sure I've got coming.

      Such is the fate of dreamers like me.
      It was about time I woke up, anyway.

      I'll never get another chance like this.  I'll never have the
courage to repeat myself if I should ever be rejected, so I may as well
go and knock on his door now, while I still have the guts to do it.

      Behind this silent steel door will be another silent presence, and
I will be silent myself in a moment, just as soon as I raise my hand-

      Suddenly the door opens and Heero's standing there.

      "Duo?"  He actually looks surprised to see me standing there, but
it must be just a trick of the light, nothing ever fazes him.  He's
saying something else:

      "Duo... I was going to tell you something... I want you to know
that I love you and that I will love you for the rest of my life...."

      No, this is a dream and it may be a wonderful one, one of the best
I've ever had, but I have to be awake and I have to tell him now before I
lose it completely!  Snap out of it, Duo!

      "Heero... I l-love you...."

      I'm pulled into those strong arms of his, brought up against his
hard body, surrounded by his warmth.  He brings my head down to his
shoulder, lays his cheek against mine, simply holds me close.  I can hear
his heart beating under my ear and it's going as fast as mine, his

breathing is coming in small hitches just like mine is - he's trembling
as I hold him and I still haven't stopped shaking since he embraced me...

      I still dream, almost every night, in fact, but I don't wake up
entangled in empty sheets any more.  I still lie awake in bed with my
thoughts, but they aren't the futile and worthless ones I used to have.

      And in the midst of this senseless war, I have peace, peace of mind
and peace of heart.

      Most importantly, I have Heero, and he has me - he will have me for
the rest of forever and in my own turn I have promised myself never to
leave him.  I will need nothing more in this world now, now that I have
achieved my heart's greatest wish.

      Heero is all I will ever need.

                               ~ the end ~

Postscript: I'll be in college come June, so there'll be a major change
in the byline.  Everything changes, ne?  Ah, college at last!

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