K-chan <katranna@yahoo.com> wrote:

Hi.  Okay, first fanfic, so C&C is more than welcome. 

You're not the same K-chan who wrote "Hard to Say Goodbye," I take it?

Also, I hate the title, so if anyone has any
suggestions... This little fic was inspired(?) by the
fact that in all these
"Ranma-Tells-Ukyo-He's-Going-To-Marry-Akane" scenes I
read, Ukyo always offered Ranma a specific favor, and
Ranma always declined (well, the IMBS Ranma didn't,

You evidently haven't read very many of those stories, then. Hell, I
alone have written several of these, and never had Ukyo offer Ranma her
body.

quite...). Anyway, I always wondered why Ukyo thought
Ranma'd be in need of such a favor.  He was the one
getting Akane, after all; she was the one being left
with nothing.

I don't think it's *his* needs that are on her mind....

 So instead, I here I have Ukyo _asking_
for such a favor...  And this time, Ranma's answer
might be a little different...  (NOT a lemon, btw)

[snip fic]

The writing on this was quite good. Some very expressive prose, and
well-structured as a story. My only complaint in this regard is a minor
formatting one. Please use ASCII quotes. You know, "these." The
directional ones tend to show up as blobs on some mailers.

However, your characterizations are simply not believable. Frankly, your
story makes me doubt whether you've read the Ranma manga at all. For one
thing, Ukyo in the manga has never been one to suffer in silence. From
her first appearance to the wedding finale, when she's been displeased
with Ranma she's never failed to let him know it. And your Ranma is even
more OOC. Canon Ranma is clueless about his feelings toward others. He
needed thirty-eight volumes to get to the point where he was kinda-sorta
aware of his feelings for one person. Seeing him talk openly about them
in this is just not something I can believe. And considering that he was
unable to kiss either Shampoo or Akane, when both times he believed a
cure for his curse to be the reward, I can't see him kissing Ukyo just
because he wanted to give her a consolation prize.

No matter how good your prose skills are, you need to know the
characters before you can write good fanfics. Read the manga. Viz Comics
has translated close to halfway through, and much of the later stuff is
available for download, free and translated into English, at
<http://wei.dhs.org:8000/ranma/>.

Notes: I don�t really know what I�m supposed to say
here, so you can skip this if you like.  This fanfic
doesn�t really have a point, I�ll concede that. 
However, people have said the point is that Ranma�s
friendship with Ukyo is stronger than his love for
Akane.

If so, that's ridiculous. There's nothing in the manga to indicate that
Ranma's friendship with Ukyo is any stronger than his friendship for
Shampoo or Ryoga, let alone his feelings for Akane which were
established many times.

 Maybe.  Maybe not.  It can also be about Ranma
expiating his past mistakes.  Throughout the fic, he
compares Ukyo to a child, a little girl.  Perhaps he
thinks that by doing what he did, he in part made up
for what he did before.  I, personally, thought it was

What did he do before? Refuse to marry her because she wanted him to?
Why should that obligate him?

about a nice thing Ranma did for Ukyo.  That is, until
I showed it to a friend, and she said �That Ranma sure
is a jerk!  What a pervert!�  Okay, when I thought
about it, what was nice for Ukyo wasn�t necessarily so
for Akane.  However, I started it siding with Ranma,
and I still do.  I think what he did was right, under
the circumstances.

I think it was not only wrong, but completely OOC for him.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html