K-chan wrote:

Hi.  Okay, first fanfic, so C&C is more than welcome. 

Gotcha.

I have little to say about any specific points, however, so I've cut
most of the actual fic.  The general response follows.

Also, I hate the title, so if anyone has any suggestions...

I rather liked the title, actually.  Not for this fanfic, necessarily,
but as a title.  Something about the way it sounds.

This little fic was inspired(?) by the fact that in all these
"Ranma-Tells-Ukyo-He's-Going-To-Marry-Akane" scenes I
read, Ukyo always offered Ranma a specific favor, and
Ranma always declined (well, the IMBS Ranma didn't,
quite...). Anyway, I always wondered why Ukyo thought
Ranma'd be in need of such a favor.  He was the one
getting Akane, after all; she was the one being left
with nothing.  So instead, I here I have Ukyo _asking_
for such a favor...  And this time, Ranma's answer
might be a little different...  (NOT a lemon, btw)

I have to agree with Gary, here; I have read such situations (almost
always in lemon fics), but they are a distinct minority.

	Coming in sight of the Ucchan�s, Ranma hopped down

Your quotes show up as codes on my terminal.  Slash-222, in the above
case.  Please consider using ASCII quotes (" '), as this is more
bothersome to read.

burst free.  He could not repeat it enough.  *I love
Akane*, Ranma thought in wonder for the thousandth
time, and the words sent a shiver of warmth down his

Nice trick, by the way; starting your fic after the declaration of
love allows you to avoid a lot of pitfalls, and at the same time focus
attention on your real plot rather than the backstory.  This makes for
a pretty strong opening, enough that it would have grabbed me even if
I didn't know that this was your first fic.

	He reached the Ucchan�s just as the last of the

The construction "the Ucchan's" just doesn't sit right with me.  I'm
not sure whether it's grammatically incorrect, though.

	�Nah, that�s okay,� he said, closing the door behind
him.  �I came to... to talk with you, Ucchan.�
	A worried expression flitted over her face. �Oh. 

Yay!  It's so nice to see a fic that acknowledges that Ranma going to
have a heart-to-heart with Ukyou is a really unusual event. ^_^

What about?�  Please, please, let it not be about...
	�Well, about...  � He paused, trying to find the
right way to say it, but with no success.  �You see...
 We�ve been friends for a long time, right, Ucchan?�

This entire dialogue is particularly well-done...

	�I... I love her, Ucchan,� Ranma told her
apologetically, as if that made everything all right. 
It didn�t.  �I�m sorry, but--�
	�I know, Ranma.  I know.�  This time the tears could

...Up to about here.  Ranma is a bit more sensitive or perceptive than
usual, but then, he's just experienced a major change in his status
quo, and that sort of thing tends to happen to people at times like
that.

Ukyou might be a bit too quiet, but the way you've presented her (as
having known for some time) does help justify that.  It may not be
entirely supportable, but the writing here is good enough that I can
overlook that.  In fact, for a first effort, the writing is
incredible; it's detailed and nuanced without weighing itself down.
Very impressive.

	�It�s okay, Ranchan,� she said finally.  �I�m... I�m
h-happy for you.  We�ll always be friends, after all. 

Even considering your backstory, Ukyou takes this surprisingly well.
>From this point onwards, your characterizations proceed to get further
and further from the manga with less and less rationalization as to
why.

It�s what you said, right?�  Ukyo took a breath,
forcing the hurt to stay down.  �And as friends...
Ranchan... would you do me a favor?�  She lowered her
head, afraid to look at him.  �Would you... kiss me?� 
Seeing him start, she desperately continued.  �I don�t
mean it like that, it�s just... this is my only
chance, you know?  Soon you�ll go back to Akane, and
from then on we�ll simply be friends, but tonight...
please...  Just one kiss, so I�ll know... how it could
have been.�

This is here I have major trouble.  I find it hard to believe that
Ukyou would ask this honestly.  (I could see her possibly trying it if
she thought she might still have a chance to win him away from Akane,
but that's not the situation you've set up.)

I find it next to impossible that Ranma would go through with it.  He
-might- agree, to spare her feelings or (more likely) to spare himself
the inconvenience of dealing with the alternative, but I don't think
he'd actually be able to bring himself to go through with it.

something more?  Holding her slight form in his arms,
Ranma came to a decision.  He let her next kiss carry
him away, let it take him into its tempest, let

...And I certainly can't see him doing this.  He couldn't see it as
anything other than a betrayal of Akane, and, although he's not the
nicest guy in the world, Ranma does keep his promises, no matter what.

 He tenderly brushed her hair away from her face,
tracing the line of her cheek.  Then he leaned down
and kissed her on the forehead, like a child, and
left.  
	As he closed the door behind him, he almost thought
he heard Ukyo whisper �Thank you, Ranchan.  I�ll
always remember.�  But maybe it was just the wind.

The ending might be just a little overdone, but I do rather like it.

Anyway, overall... very strong technically; you have a vivid and
distinct writing style, and, as far as prose goes, I'd place this in
the top 10% of fanfics I've read.  My main problem, I suppose, is your
premise:  I simply can't see it happening, so from my perspective,
your characterization is warped to force a fit.  Even then, however,
the characterization through the first half or so of the fic shows
some skill.

In fact, if Ranma were to refuse, and the story then progressed from
there, my major objections regarding character would be taken care of,
and your writing is strong enough to overcome my minor ones, as I
mentioned earlier.  This is quite possibly the best-written first
fanfic I've ever read; I just can't get past that premise and
resolution. 


Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa