The diminutive old woman gazed at the screen before her. Although her
skill
and cunning had allowed her to keep her position, she had no illusions
as to
whether or not her subordinates plotted her downfall.

Of course in the Clans, senior citizens are not allowed to be military
leaders.  Cologne would actually more likely be the administrator of
the Clan breeding program and keeper of the gene banks.  One of the
interesting aspects of the Clans is that the upper class (the actual
clan members) do not engage in sexual reproduction.  It would therefore
be perfectly possible to have an all-female Clan with no problem.

With the time the Treaty had gained them, the Inner Sphere has had time
to
correct many of the technological imbalances that caused them so much
grief

"Inner Sphere had been given time to..."

This time, the Clans will not have it so easy.

"would not have it"

Before her was a list of potential candidates, many of them were of her
genes.

"many of them from her genetic heritage"

"Hmm, though not of the potential I was hoping for, she does have
determination and a certain cunning that makes her successful in most
of
her
endeavors. But she needs seasoning."

o/Parsley, sage, rosemary and passion spice.../o

It was here that the communications officer arrived with a ComStar
message
for him. After reading the message, Soun was ecstatic enough to halt
the
exercise and requested the presence his daughters for a conference.

"of his daughters"  And, incidentally this scene could be written more
actively.

She had taken over as the head Aztech when her
predecessor
had moved on and had developed a certain reputation for efficiency
despite
her deceptively meek ways.

Too wordy.  "Since taking over as head aztech she had developed..."

Although young, all of the Tendo daughters showed a marked talent in
their
chosen professions.

Delete the above sentence, or move it to the front of the introdution of
the daughters.

The assembled aztechs nodded their heads in understanding. No one
wanted
to
say no to Kasumi, disappointing her just seems to be something you

Tense confusion.

It had been thru her efforts that her
family
had avoided bankruptcy despite her father's reluctance to accept any
job
offer that didn't involve low-paying garrison duties on low-risk
worlds.

Low risk garrison jobs can support mercenaries just fine since they come
with low operational expenses.  They are only a problem with units that
want to expand or carry a heavy debt load.  What would be a problem is
if Soun's lack of reputation made it hard to even get those jobs.

Glaring at Nabiki, Akane exited the simulator after removing the
mini-CD
that held her current statistics. "Humph! Just because I'm dedicated to
becoming a Mechwarrior doesn't mean that I'm weird. Besides, they all
just
want to get into my panties. Perverts!"

"True. Anyway, Daddy wants us to meet him at the observation bubble, so
you'
d better get dressed and hurry."

Akane's working in the simulator, nude, and she's calling the guys
perverts?

the Clans had bigger, meaner, more powerful BattleMechs that overshadow
their Inner Sphere counterparts.

"overshadowed", and although Clan mechs are more powerful ton for ton,
they aren't bigger.

it
could be mistaken for the classic Inner Sphere Shadow Hawk, but a
closer
inspection dispels this illusion.

Tense confusion.

Up close, one can see that although the Mech possesses the head and the
shoulder guards similar to the Shadow Hawk, it also has features
similar
to

More tense confusion.

The Mechs strode with along with a light step. Their great weight not

Delete "with".  Do not start a new sentence.

seeming to hold any meaning to the Mechwarriors that piloted them as
they
seemed to walk with a suppressed energy and agility one doesn't expect
in
such a heavy machines.

Too many words.  "...a light step, as they seemed to walk with a
contained energy unexpected in such heavy machines".

He only wished that Nodoka
were
here to see them.

Why isn't she?

"What!" Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane stared at their father as they
digested
the
news that he had given them. "Why?"

Because otherwise the family loses control of the company, you twits.

the memory of their mother and keep the company in the family, but to
marry
a total stranger? They knew their father had many old fashion Kuritan
traditions that he clings to but this was a bit much.

"old fashioned", "clinged to".  And no it isn't.  Arranged marriages are
perfectly normal in the Battletech universe as they are in any culture
which has a landed aristocracy.

The marriage agreement to join our families was
something
we wrote up while we were.ah.drunk.

Soun doesn't need to tell his daughters that.  Besides, it's irrelevant
since both fathers thought it was a good idea after they were drunk.

"Oh my, you mean Nabiki and Akane's playmates? Wasn't Ranma the one
that
dragged Akane into that Commando and managed to wreck the repair bay
while
playing? I seem to remember having to hold back Ranko and Nabiki from
joining them."

Akane and Nabiki blinked in confusion. "We did?" "You did?"

That's not the sort of thing Akane would forget.

attention away from her. "So, what're Ranma and Ranko like now, Dad?"

Soun chuckled slightly before answering. "I don't know."

You could hear a pin drop from the silence the permeated the room.

"that" Why?  There's a big difference between never having met them, and
not having seem them in some years.

real surprise. It was unlikely that the Clans have begun selling their
Mechs, so for them to possess two meant that they salvaged them after
defeating their mechwarriors in combat.

Tense confusion.  "had begun"

systems. It's very rare that she gets a chance to look, much less work
on,
one of the best BattleMechs in known space. "But what kind of Mech is

More tense confusion.

A
pair
of shoulder holsters that carried their personal arms topped all this
off.

So both of them carry two guns?

"Yo! Pop here says that you needed a couple of Mechwarriors to help get
your
company back on its feet." Ranma thumped his chest. "Well, they don't
get
much better than Ranko and me."

Characterisation note.  Ranma probably would just say "than me".  Ego.
Remember.  Ego.

according to the database we hacked into, it's a new Omni called an
Orochi
or Tiamat. It's supposed to be named after some multi-headed dragon or
something."

Which is it?  Orochi or Tiamat?

"Nah. It wasn't anything we couldn't handle. The Clanners had nothing
on
the
Maskirovka. Now there's a bunch of really sadistic mind twisters.
Compared
to them, the Clanners were a bunch of amateurs." Ranma and Ranko

If you're so good, how come you keep getting captured?

Anything else is subject to speculation

Tense confusion.

This means that she would have a fifteen-ton weight advantage and a
larger
weapons package than her opponent. Plus, she had an ace up her sleeve.
Her
Centurion was the newer 9D variant with jumpjets. This cancelled his
jumping
ability so his only real advantage lay in his speed.

Normal Panthers don't have a speed advantage since they are designed as
a platform for one big gun.

weight, the autocannon can only take a few hits like that before going
out
of commission.

If that happened, then her chances of winning this will be halved.

More tense confusion.

Behind him, stray laser bolts passed slightly to his right. But he
didn't
let these worry him. Even if they were extended range medium lasers,
they
won't be able to hit him from this distance with any accuracy. It's the
LRMs
and the autocannon that he has to worry about.

More tense confusion, and why isn't Akane using optimum weapons?  She
isn't supposed to be a total incompetent.

"Sigh. Yeah. The company is in bad shape. Most of the astechs are
either
old-timers or newbies waiting for a better berth. The mechs are

Which is it?  Astech, or aztech?

One last (trivial) detail is the formatting.  Although the line length 
has at least been been converted, the result is a sloppy looking piece 
in e-mail reading.  Of course this won't matter on your own website, it 
would look better on the FFML or any other e-mail forum if you wrote 
with slightly shorter line lengths.