For the first time in days, Ranma-Chan felt at peace, no fiancee's
chasing
him, no rivals attacking him, no parents pressuring him to marry
anybody.
-chan should be lowercase. It's a suffix.
..with no fiancee's...
Not even being in her cursed form disturbed her serenity at this point.
"Waaah! It's a cursed girl!"
"Aw, quit it already, Usagi!"
Sorry, I've recently been reading the scripts to SM eps, and I had to make
the pun...
Without
concious thought she made her way back to where Kodachi continued her
monolouge.
Ranma's a zombie! Or did you mean 'Without conciously thinking about
it...'?
"... dont know who I think Im fooling, mother" she sobbed "he will never
love me, no one will. I dont know what to do anymore, no matter how I
try,
he rejects me, over and over, I.... I cant take anymore, mother. He is
the
only bright spot in my life, he chases the monsters away.... Heh... then
again, mother, that is the problem, you see, to him I am a monster, I
can
see it in his eyes, I can feel his fear, his revulsion when I stand
before
him, there is nothing I can do to change that.
That's a pretty damn long sentence. Now, if she's getting hysterical,
that's fine because most people who are upset don't think about grammer.
But you don't indicate this, or give it any support in her action. The
following lines quoted text don't support it either.
He will always chase me
away, like the monster that I am," quiet revulsion fills her words
fills = filled
"but then
again, I gave hime
hime = him.
him, drugged him, threatened those close to him.... Ive made myself into
the
moster that he fights, mother, the foul creature that he defends his
friends
I've, monster.
Now, here you also have a run-on sentence, but this time, the context,
mode of speech, and punctuation support the hysteria feeling. So, don't
change this, but change the previous one.
herself to fall. Attempting to restrain her physically would be far to
to = too
dangerous, there was less than a foot of space on the ledge, and no real
..as there was...
hand holds at all. If she were away from the ledge, the chances of
stopping
her would go up exponentially, if ranma where in male form, that would
be
easy, simply stand at the center of the tower and call out to Kodachi,
hell,
doing that he would need a crowbar to remove her
Capitalize 'ranma'. Another long sentence that could be broken up.
. For the first time that
night, Ranma-chan silently cursed the old washer woman that had soaked
her
The way Ranma acts, I'd think that it would be the second time. But
that's just a minor quibble...
on her way here -Talking to her as I am now would simply provoke an
attac.... Of course!! I'ts just as ood, stand in the center, piss her
off,
I'ts = It's.
ood = odd (unless you mean Object Oriented Design)
Perfect, the perfect position to stop her, the perfect phrase to get her
to
fly off the handle, everything was perfect... except that Kodachi was
not
cooperating.
Normally, I would point out the repetitiveness of the word, but it was
obviously intended here. I suggest that you change the beginning to this,
though.
Perfect; the perfect position...
A semicolon is used to link two sentences that could be used
independently, but the writer wants linked. I personally think that
most people who use them actually overuse them, but they come in handy at
times.
"You... somehow it is fitting that you should be here." her voice was
devoid of any emotion, her eyes had no spark at all "Tell Ranma-sama
that I
love him... and that I apologize for my behavior" with that, she simply
let
herself fall forward, off the roof.
Wait. If she's falling forward, then Ranma shouldn't be able to tell that
her eyes have no spark (unless Kodachi's trying to jump off the wrong side
of the ledge. And in Ranma, I wouldn't put it past anyone!). She ought
to be falling backwards.