--- James Chu <chubacca@clam.rutgers.edu> wrote:

 
Okay...  this is the first part of the GSC/Columbo crossover.  Tell
me 
what y'all think.  

First off, congrats on an interesting Xover concept.

J CHU

Shooting Blanks Part 1

by James Chu
http://jchu.simplenet.com

A Gunsmith Cat's / Columbo crossover fanfic inspired by a 
spamfic that Bill Morse posted a long time ago.

Gunsmith Cat's and all related characters are property of 
Kenichi Sonada.  Lt. Columbo and related characters are the 
property of William Link and Richard Levinson.

I don't have anything immediately handy to confirm it one way or the
other, but I'm pretty sure the title of the series is Gunsmith Cats (no
apostrophe).

***

A man with a leather jacket, checkered hat and dark pants 
with a stripe down the side knocks on the door of an 
apartment building.  He turns his head away as the occupant 
of the apartment stares through the peephole.  The door 
opens to reveal a dark haired woman in her early thirties.  
The woman gestures for the man to come on in.  He sits down 
at a brightly decorated table.  After the woman offers the 
man a cup of coffee, she opens the refrigerator and takes 
out a carton of milk for the man.  The man opens up his 
jacket revealing a silenced pistol.  The woman's eyes 
register surprise as the man empties the pistol into her 
torso.  The woman flails around for a few moments, knocking 
the man's cup of coffee and the carton of milk over.  After 
waiting for a few moments, the assailant strolls over the 
woman's corpse, avoiding the mixing blood and milk on the 
floor.  He closes the refrigerator and walks out of the 
apartment. 

Hmmm... Something just didn't click, here, although you get good marks
for imagery.  Maybe it was the use of present tense, or maybe it was
just the lack of names, but something didn't gel.  A common tactic, one
that might work here, would be to use descriptive phrases ("Leather
Jacket" and "Blue Chiffon" [or whatever the woman was wearing] for
proper names.
 

---

Rally Vincent and May Hopkins were walking out of the Police 
Station with a smile on their faces and a check in Rally's 
pocket.  It was pay day.  

If there was a car that had seen it all, this car was it.  
It was beyond dilapidated.  Its paint was peeling off, a 
windshield wiper was missing, the front bumper had seen one 
too many accidents, the lights were grime encrusted, the 
tires were balding and the upholstery was threadbare and 
held together with duct tape.  The car pulled up to the curb 
in front of them.

Nice, solid description.  I could really picture the wreck in my head.

"What a piece of crap!  Rally, what the hell is that thing?" 
Minnie observed, tactfully.  

*Chuckle* Accurate portrayal of the younger partner.

The driver of the vehicle seemed to be an extension of its 
disheveled condition.  His slightly grayed hair seemed to be 

Nitpick:  "Seemed" is the bane of strong writing.  Hunt, kill and
destroy, nine times out of ten:  "The driver of the vehicle was an
extension... His slightly grayed hair lay in a state of confusion,"
etc.

in a state of confusion, his jacket was rumpled and had 
trophies of past coffee stains and past lunches stained 
throughout.  He had a shirt and tie that were so wrinkled 
that they could have made most grown dry cleaners cry out in 
despair.  

Roy suggested, "Well, let's get some lunch.  Do you ladies 
want to join?" 

I think that should have the word "us" at the end, or something else to
soften the phrase: "join in?", "join a couple of old-timers?" etc.

"My wife kept on telling me that he was never gonna grow 
up." Columbo reminisced.  

Punctuation:  '... grow up," Columbo reminisced.'.

Roy rushed from the back of the deli, "I gotta get a ride.  

Punct: '... deli.  "I gotta...'.

Duty is calling."

Roy put down some cash on the tabletop, "We'll see you 

You only use a comma for a direct attribution.  Period after
"tabletop".*

ladies later."

"No way.  We're coming along," Rally said evenly as she 
glared at Roy.  

Okay, this struck me as a little forced.  Rally doesn't just get
involved in every case the police have--there'd need to be some kind of
draw, either personal or professional.

"Let the ladies come along with us, Coleman.  It can't hurt, 
can it?"

"Take a closer smell.  It doesn't smell like rotten meat.  
Just dried blood and coffee.  This had to happen this 
morning.  Take a closer look, girls.  There's a cereal bowl 
there with half eaten cereal in it.  Take a sniff,"  Columbo 
beckoned to the two girls as he made his way around the 
police photographer.  "'Scuse me, sir.  Gonna show some 
folks a couple of things."   

Now this is a good take on Columbo.  You've got him pretty well down.

Roy came in with his eyes downcast.  He rubbed his hands up 
and down the sides of his temples, "She's a cop's wife.  
Someone killed the new Commander's wife."

Okay, here's where a little rewrite would have fixed things.  If you
have Roy come back from the call saying there's been trouble at the
apartment of the new police Commander, that might get Rally intrigued
enough to tag along--since she's a bounty hunter, anything that affects
the police dept. is ultimately going to impact her, professionally.

Otherwise, though, I really liked this, and I look forward to seeing
future installments.

--Freemage

---

End Part 1 

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