Lush-chan wrote:

This is my first time posting somethhing *complete* to the FFML...
I think Ranma and Akane are a wee bit OOC, but I still like this.  I
wrote it in detention in March, when I was still a
schoolgirl...anyway, please C&C, MST, flame, gimme some type of
feedback... 

A first?  Well, then.  Allow me to toss some comments your way.

First of all, your lines are too long; hit return every once in a
while.  Line lengths shouldn't go past 80 characters at the very most,
and somewhere in the 60-70 range would be better (allowing people to
quote you to reply a couple of times without wrapping problems).  Many
people use fixed 80-column terminals which do not automatically wrap
the way word processors do.

I dunno when it could take place...winter of Ranma and Akane's
juinor year?  I'm open to suggestions. ^_^ 

I'd just leave it unspecified.  Time, in the Ranma manga, doesn't
really exist as we know it.  Seasons change, the characters celebrate
New Years' (twice), but nobody moves ahead in school or gets
measurably "older" (in the social sense).  There's nothing in this fic
that requires you to define its timeframe more specifically than
"winter."

Akane removed her hand from the remains of the concrete block.  "The
jerk..." she muttered, under her breath.  "I hate him!"  

She'd recently returned from school.  Ranma had humilated her in
front of everyone, after their last period class.  She had stayed
after to speak to her teacher about the homework for the night, and
when she exited the room, she heard Ranma talking outside.  Loudly. 

We've seen this before, but at least you don't waste any time, so
you're off to a reasonably good start.

Be careful with your tenses here.  In the last sentence, you want to
use "had exited" and "had heard," to remain consistent.  It's an easy
mistake to make.

Did Akane hear Ranma after she left the classroom, or was she about to
leave the classroom when she heard his voice, and stopped?  This
paragraph seems to indicate the first, but...

Unconsciously, she tuned herself into the conversation.

Fifteen seconds later, Ranma was in flight.

...Fifteen seconds would be a long time for Akane to be standing there
unnoticed.  Subtlety is not one of the girl's defining traits. ^_^

Now, you probably didn't mean that literally, I know.  But in that
case, it's better to use a phrasing that doesn't indicate a specific
length of time.  The simplest way might be to drop the word fifteen:
"Seconds later, Ranma was in flight."

Actually, I suppose you'd want to say "had been" rather than "was."
Again, watch your tenses.  The "tuned" needs a "had," too.

Akane had only heard a few words before she punted Ranma.

had punted

Baka...Akane...lowers...panties...

See below.  However, if Ranma is speaking "loudly," then why is Akane
missing more than half the conversation?  This would be easier to
believe if she -had- stopped on the other side of the door to listen,
since the sound would be muffled somewhat.

Akane removed a still-clenched fist from concrete pile number two.
It stung a little. 

Okay, now that you're back in the "present" of the fic (which is
related in past tense), you can drop the "had"s.  Whenever you're in
the "past" of the fic, you need them.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Nerima Ward Airspace, Ranma stopped flying

Lowercase the A.

upwards.  He hung in the air for a moment, long enough for a duck
wearing coke-bottle glasses to stare at him, then began to plummet
back towards the ground.  Screaming. 

I'm not sure whether you intended this for comic effect, but... This
means that Ranma has been in midair since the end of the school day,
for the same length of time that it took Akane to go home, change
(presumably) from her school uniform to dojo gear, and smash half a
dozen concrete blocks into powder.  That's a loooong hang time, even
by Ranma fic standards. ^_^

A minute later, a loud splash was heard. Ranma sputtered to the
surface. "DAMN YOU AKANE!!!"  she screamed, birds evacuating a nearby
tree.  <Why can't you ever give me a chance?> 

Well, that's a bit different.

Good progression so far.  It's tight, it keeps moving -- a necessity
for a short, action-oriented piece like this one.  You probably don't
have to worry too much about your writing technique, at least for this
style of fic; concept will be the bigger problem.

Ranma sighed, and looked around.  She realized she was in Furnikan

Furinkan.

High's swimming pool.  Not a nice place to be in the winter, but it
was preferable to eating concrete.  She leapt out of the pool and
began peeling dead leaves off of herself as she walked off.  Ranma
clenched her fists.  <I'll show her...>  she thought. 

You might consider using something to mark a section break other than
three blank lines, just for clarity's sake.

Akane removed her hand from concrete pile number five, then look

looked

around at the four other piles that had been moved aside.  Nabiki was

This is passive voice, which most people will tell you to avoid, as a
rule.  If you want to make it active, phrase it: "other piles that she
had moved aside."

going to have fun with this, if she didn't clean it up soon.  She
sighed, resigned, and began to clean up. 

She'd only been cleaning for a few minutes when she heard a voice.  

Hm.  Akane is cleaning very slowly, if Ranma had time to get out of
the fountain, walk home, dry off, change male, and buy presents (not
necessarily in that order) in that time.

"Yo, Akane."

Akane jumped up, and turned to Ranma.  "I have nothing to--"

Ranma stood before Akane with an apologetic expression on his face,
and his hands clasped behind his back.  "Akane, listen to me.  I'm
sorry about what happened at school earlier." 

This is rather strange for Ranma.  He finds it difficult to apologize
even when he recognizes that he is at fault.  It's a strain to believe
that he would apologize for something he didn't do (or doesn't know
that he did), much less do it so easily.

"Ranma--"

Ranma brought one arm out from behind his back.  His hand held a
dozen long-stemmed *yellow* roses.  "I dunno what you heard at school,

I wouldn't accentuate "yellow" here.  Your readers will get the point.

but I wanted to apologize."  Ranma frowned.  "Frankly, I don't know
what made you so mad in the first place."  He raised an eyebrow at
her. 

Okay, that last sentence sounds more like Ranma.  Righteous
indignation and all.

Akane stood there, dumbfounded, blinking.  Ranma tossed the roses to
her, which she caught by reflex.  "Ranma...I..." 

Awkward.  Try:  "Ranma tossed the roses to her; she caught them by
reflex," or "Ranma tossed her the roses, which she caught by reflex."

Ranma brought out the other arm from behind his back.  It held a
small white basket.  "It's white chocolate..."  He gazed at her,
expectant. 

"You mean..."

Ranma nodded, and cautiously took a step towards Akane.  She
surpised him by rushing into his arms. 

surprised

Surprised me, too.  She doesn't normally act that way, even if she did
forgive him that quickly, which I'm not entirely sure she would.

Ranma was startled, but then he smiled and hugged Akane back.  He
looked at Akane.  "So...what did you think I said earlier?"  He was
still dying to know. 

Cut that last sentence, I'd say.  You don't really need to tell us
that.  We should be able to infer it.

Akane's cheeks turned pink. "Well...I thought you said...well..."

"Wha?"

"Baka Akane lowers panties."  Akane blurted out.

Ranma facefaulted.  "You though...I said that?!"  He began to laugh,
but ceased when he saw a familiar blue glow surround Akane.
"Um...gomen..."   Ranma scratched the base of his skull.  "Akane, I
didn't say that..." 

"What *did* you say, then?"

"I was talking to Ucchan...I said, Baka-chan, I'm getting her
flowers and candies!"  His brow creased.  "Come to think of it, she
wasn't too happy to hear that either." 

No, I imagine not. ^_^  It's unusual for Ranma to confide in Ukyou,
though; it happens all the time in fanfics, but I don't think he ever
does, in the manga.  Still, I suppose she could have asked him; he's
dumb enough to answer.

Minor personal quibble:  I don't really see how she could have
mistaken that message like that; only "candies/panties" sound similar
enough.  And where did "baka" come from?

I'd say you either need to search for a phrase that could more
reasonably be misinterpreted, or rewrite the earlier events so that
the misinterpretation is more plausible.

Now it was Akane's turn to facefault, but then she smiled.  "I'm
sorry, Ranma."  She didn't even remember Ukyo being there, being so
mad. 

Ukyo was so mad?  Well, yeah, but you probably meant "She'd been so
mad, she hadn't even noticed Ukyou's presence."

Missing Ukyou is a bit contrived.  For one thing, who did she think
Ranma was talking to?  She must have at least seen -someone-.  Unless
he was yelling down the hall to her, but that's a little out of
character for Ranma, at least as far as this sort of thing goes.

Ranma tightened his arms around his fiancee.  "Ya know...you're cute
when you smile." 

I think we all saw that line coming...

Akane blushed. "Oh, Ranma..."

Ranma dipped his head and gently kissed Akane on the lips.

...

That was... fast.

Her first instinct was to smack him, until she reminded herself that
she had waited for this moment for a long time...not that she would
ever admit it, of course.  She gazed up at Ranma. 

"Akane...I...l-l-love you."  Ranma said, fidgeting.  "I know I never
show it...or act like it...but I do." 

...

That was... fast.

"Ranma...I love you too."

...

That was... fast.

 The End.

(Or the beginning?)

Author's notes:  While researching my term paper (which was on
Shoujo Manga), I found a website that detailed some Japanese Holidays.
For Valentine's Day, boys give their girls white chocolate, and girls
give their boys milk chocolate.  At least I'm pretty sure, I've since
lost the link to that webpage. 

Valentine's Day, girls give boys chocolate.

A month later, on "White Day," boys give girls chocolate.  (This
holiday was, quite literally, made for the candy companies. ;p)  Note
that this is March 14, which is technically winter but feels a lot
more like spring.

Okay, overall... well, the writing itself is pretty tight; you've got
a couple of tense confusions, but not much else.  The story itself,
however... it moves the relationship along too quickly on very flimsy
grounds, it's rather contrived, and it's a cliche that offers nothing
new or particularly memorable; anyone who's been reading Ranma fanfics
for any length of time has probably read several that are nearly
identical to this, and its writing isn't to a level that would make it
stand out.

Still, it's good that your problems are more in the concept than in
the execution.  This is a pretty good fic for a first effort, and it
shows promise for your future fics, which will, presumably, explore
less-travelled territory.


Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa