Hmm. And here I was lamenting that things were a little slow lately and
this comes along. As usual, C+Cing as I read:

                 EL-HAZARD : MORTAL ENGINES

                       by Alan Harnum

          Chapter Two - Music With Changing Parts

* * *

    It had, until Makoto had freed her, been the object that
controlled Ifurita and turned her into a slave

'the slave' sounds better to me.

 of whoever used it

to activate her.  In her hands, it was a deadly weapon, focusing
her energies into a bolt of destruction.

And it made a great club for golfing as well. ^_^

    Right now, it was being used by Makoto to stop himself from
falling over as he waited outside Princess Rune's apartments.  He
had not fallen asleep after his nightmare until sunrise, and then
had gotten less than two hours of rest before a messenger arrived
bearing summons from Princess Rune.  The guard who had escorted
him knocked again on the oaken door, and this time it was
answered by a maid in the blousy pants, large hat and revealing
top common to female servants in the palace.

Well, Princess Fatora likes the gals to show a little flesh. What can you
say? ^_^

    The balcony, nearly as large as the room itself, was ringed
by a filigreed gold railing taller than Makoto's waist.  From
here, the viewer was able to look down upon the elaborate gardens
of the palace, and see the care the landscapers and gardeners had
taken in designing it so that it was orderly and balanced.  This
high up, it appeared an assembly of geometric shapes formed of a
rainbow of colours; blue and purple rectangles of flowerbeds lay
within the green circles formed by hedges and trees.  The order
was broken from time to time by the elaborate forms of fountains,
but on the whole it was a marvelous vision of symmetry.

Wonderful imagry, as usual.

    The maid poured coffee for them both, then stepped away and
stood unobstrusively nearby, to be called upon if necessary.
Rune blew on her coffee to cool it, sipped, and then set it down
on the saucer with a gentle clink.  "I wanted to ask you what you
are planning to do now.  Do you wish to try and return to your
world, or stay here in El-Hazard?"

Oh, come on. She knows he's going to search for Ifurita. Maybe this is
more for formality than any actual curiosity, yes?

    They finished the light breakfast and talked of things that
didn't matter to Makoto.  After the Eye of God had been
unleashed, the Bugrom forces occupying the eastern countries of
the alliance had retreated.  With their home base destroyed, the
military strategists felt it unlikely that they would be a
threat again for some time.

Famous last words.

    Makoto chewed his food and only half-listened to Rune.  The
mention of the Bugrom made him think of Jinnai.  His 'rival' had
certainly survived, and was no doubt coming up with some new
plan.  Jinnai by himself wasn't very dangerous, but with the
weight and power of the Bugrom behind him, he was deadly.

    "And you say that Gallus is dead?"

At this point it's not clear who's saying this. I think adding a 'Rune
asked.' at the end would help.

    The question came abruptly, and he answered without
thinking.  "Ifurita shot him right through the heart.  We didn't
find a body, but he couldn't have survived that."

More famous last words.

    "I guess I could go," he said.  "Who else would be along?"

    "My sister;

Great.

a royal representative is a necessity.  I
suspect she'll want to bring Alielle with her."  Rune's mouth
twisted slightly in disapproval.  "The two of them are quite
close."

    No kidding, Makoto thought.  The idea of spending time in
Fatora's company didn't appeal to him very much,

Nor any else other than Alielle No one was all that enthuseastic about her
return, as I recall.

    Rune continued.  "Your companions from Earth.  The three
priestesses as well, if they are willing to forego returning to
their sanctuary for a while longer."

Wouldn't be anywhere near as much fun without them anyway.

    Given Miz's infatutation with Fujisawa-sensei, Makoto didn't
think she'd have any problem coming along.  If she went, Shayla
and Afura probably would as well.

Shayla would have anyway, but of course, Makoto is oblivious as to why she
would have.

    "Thus, you say, Gallus had you install this circuit upon the
Eye of God in an act of final retaliation?"

    "Yes."

    The voices seemed to blend into one another, to run together
like musical notes.  It had gotten to the point where he could
tell that some voices were different from others, but could not
recognize individuals.  There seemed to be more than sixteen
speakers at times; sometimes only one speaker, who spoke with
many voices.  A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, as he
watched a seven-limbed creature, hideous beyond imagining, hump
itself free from the stone floor and turn the gaze of three
serpent-pupilled eyes upon him.  They would be using their
illusion powers upon him constantly, to try and break him down,
catch him in a lie, and this was among the mildest sights he had
seen since he had been summoned here.

Hmm. How very interesting. I sort of assumed members of the Phantom Tribe
could pierce other members' illusions.

    "Were you aware of the purpose of this circuit when you
installed it?"

Nahato: Well, it had a Microsoft symbol on it, so I knew it couldn't be
anything good.

    Here was the moment.  Lord Gallus, who he loved as he loved
no one else, had said something to him once.  You must never love
anything so much that you will not betray it.

Well, that was the way Gallus lived life. The real question is, does
Nahato wish to live that sort of life as well.

    And he waited for them to decide he would be allowed to
leave.

Of course he'll be leaving. The question is will it be feet first or not.

* * *

    Makoto met Doctor Schtalubaugh in the multi-levelled
underground library of the Royal Palace.  The library was a maze
of spiral staircases, looming shelves, and wooden tables piled
high with books and odd artifacts.  All of it was brightly lit by
a profusion of mismatched wall lamps and candles upon the tables.
Despite the large size of it, there was a crampled,

'crampled'? I assume you meant 'cramped'

sometimes

almost claustrophobic feel to the library.

    Schtalubaugh was crouched over a thick tome at one table,
humming under his breath as he turned the pages.  Four separate
piles of books were on the table as well, one of them nearly a
foot tall.  Another looked to have been larger, but appear

appeared

 to

have fallen over, from the open books strewn across the table
and floor that Schtalubaugh hadn't bothered to clean up.

There seems to be something wrong with the last sentence, but I'm not sure
what it is.

    "You wanted to see me, Professor?"

    "Ahh, Makoto.  Yes, take a seat."

Makoto did as Schtalubaugh suggested, and ripped the chair out from under
the professor. It was the most comfortable seat in the room, after all.

    He sat down at the only other chair at the table, a
disturbingly rickety three-legged stool.  Schtalubaugh turned
another page, snorted, and closed the book with a slap.

    "What's up?"

    Schtalubaugh indicated the books on the table with a
sweeping gesture of his hands.  "These are all the volumes I have
been able to find relating to the dimensional walls, the Eye of
God, or to the ancient technologies of El-Hazard."

    "Thanks," Makoto said.  "Where should I start?"

With the one titled: How to Build Dimensional Transporters and Find People
You've Lost Through Time and Space.'

    Makoto nodded.  If there was something that would help him
find his way to Ifurita in

'Ifurita, in'     I think

    Makoto followed him in silence down to flights

I think you can drop the 'to'

of spiral

stairs, down to the bottom floor of the library.  Down here, the
musty odour of books hung heavy, and even the many lights seemed
hard-pressed by the depths.  Try

Extra space between depths and Try

as he might, Makoto could not

stop a nervous shudder running

'shudder from running'  sound better, I think

* * *

    It had worked.  He had betrayed Lord Gallus, and they had
let him go without punishment.  There was no telling what they
would decide upon for Gallus; perhaps they would simply see that
leaving him in the state he was would be punishment enough.
Nahato wondered just how conscious Gallus was of his state.
Perhaps he drifted in dreams.  He hoped that was it; dreams would
be more pleasant for Gallus than the reality.

    The stone pallet in the room they had given him was hard and
uncomfortable, even with a blanket thrown across it.  Tomorrow,
if they didn't change their minds, he could head back to his
home.  The tunnels and caverns of the Phantom Tribe honeycombed
El-Hazard from one end to the other.

    Revenge.  He had sworn that he would avenge Lord Gallus; he
simply had no idea how.

I don't know as the semicolon works there. I'd either seperate it as two
sentences or include a 'but' instead, IMO

 Gallus's dream had been to use the Eye

of God to turn the world into a wasteland; Nahato hadn't known
that, and still wasn't sure of the reasoning.  If the Eye of God
ripped apart the dimensional walls, wouldn't it eventually
destroy the Phantom Tribe as well?

    Love Gallus though he might, Nahato feared that his hatred
had blinded him to the eventual consequences.

That sounds damn awkward there. I'd probably reword it as 'Though he might
have loved Gallus, Nahato' But this might just be a style thing.

 Better, Nahato

thought, to win a victory that would leave the Phantom Tribe as
the rulers of El-Hazard, with those who had hated them and driven
them beneath the earth as their slaves.

Revenge is oftimes a subjective concept. Each person has their own
preferences as to what defines it, or what the best method of it is.

    "The Lord of Deeper Shadows requests your presence."

    Unconsciously, his hand touched the curved knife at his
belt.  "A fairy tale requests my presence?"

    "The god has spoken," Lemulla replied, eyes narrowing and
voice dropping to a hiss.  "Beware if you disobey his will, for
you shall find that he is no fairy tale, but very, very real.

Lemulla: He'll bitch slap you big time if you don't obey. Remember that.

    Deva was singing.

Deva: Stagefright, go away. This is my big day....

 Jinnai wasn't a music lover, but he had
to admit that her voice was pleasant.  It was a little too loud
to let him sleep, but it served a purpose, so he wasn't
complaining.  The Bugrom survivors had been coming into the
secret pass by the hundreds, and Deva's singing drove them into a
frenzied pitch.

Interesting. I like the idea that's a way they communicate with her.

They danced with perfect synchrony around the
bonfires they had built, strange voices chanting along with their
queen.  The voices rolled over him like a wave; he did not so
much hear the individual words as much as he felt them in his
bones.  To a destined conqueror such as him, the Bugrom were a
dream come true: they were strong, obedient, unambitious, and
they adored him as the heroic figure he was.

    Deva's voice rose higher, to a pitch the Bugrom could not
match, and ended on a series of trilling notes that sent an
almost electric thrill running down Jinnai's spine.

    "Sleep now, Bugrom," she said.  "Tomorrow will find us one
day closer to our destined victory."

    The thousands of Bugrom now gathered sank down to the
ground, folded their legs within their shells, and lay as still
as though in death.  Deva sauntered over and perched on the edge
of the dais, which had been placed in a recessed section of the
pass, almost a cave.

pass that was almost a cave.' Sounds better, IMO. Again this might be
mostly a style thing though.

    The Bugrom queen crossed one leg over the other and placed
her hands on her knee.  "I won't know until they get closer."

    "Can't you make a guess?"

    "I could make a guess.  It would be meaningless, however."

Heh.

the memories of all who have come before me.  So many memories
that there are more gaps than true memories.  But I remember the
Holy Wars, and the devastation wreaked

wrecked

    "God's will be done," Jinnai said.  Frankly, he didn't know
for certain if God existed or not.  But if He did, He was quite
definitely on Katsuhiko Jinnai's side.

Which would explain why Jinnai lost? ^_^

* * *

    "I don't understand it.  It's like he's been avoiding me all
day."

    "He probably is.  Men are jerks."

Miz and Shayla, I'd wager.

Say, something just occurred to me. Wind, Water, and Fire. What happened
to the Priestess of Earth, I wonder.

    Three priestesses sat beneath the shade of an awning, behind
the railings that separated the outdoor patio of a streetside
cafe from the streets beyond.  The sun was setting, giving the
clouds a red tinge; white stone towers were streaked with a
bloody hue, and the bronze minarets that capped them glowed a
ruddy gold.

Again, I think you're overdoing it a bit with the semicolons, just like
the last chapter.

    Shayla scowled.  "You're lucky, Afura.  You don't have any
man troubles."

Doesn't have any man, period. Still, it's hardly necessary for every
character to be involved in a romantic entanglement.

    Risen from the depths of the sea, a shape with human body
shot upwards, towards air and light and the rolling waves a
thousand feet above.

    Slowly, the clouds of sand settled.  The bubbles left in the
wake of the rising disappeared.  The fish returned to the
trench, and business resumed as usual at the bottom of the sea.

Ah, a new Ifurita unit, or something else leftover from the wars of the
past, I wonder.

Excellent work, as always. Look forward to seeing more already.

D.B. Sommer