Subject: Re: [FFML] [BSSM][Continuation][Legacy]Episode 1 (near-final)
From: Douglas MacDougall
Date: 7/18/1999, 7:27 PM
To: jrandom@ufl.edu
CC: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>

Well, here goes.. people have managed to talk me into not hiding under
a rock for the rest of my days...

C&C Below.  Very little snippage, this time, so it's gonna get big...

[...]

"Stars Of Tears" Theme from Xenogears
Opening Title for Legacy
(Note: These are the lyrics to the world-map song in Xenogears)

I don't know about other people, but I always ignore these opening
songs.

[...]

"Once Upon A Time...
In a far off land where magic was as real as anything science has

suggest:  land, where

brought us today there lived a very sad prince. The prince wasn't sad

punc:  today, there

for the normal reasons. He had a beautiful wife, his every need was

suggest:  reasons; he

taken care of by his servants and he lived in the lap of luxury.

punc:  servants, and

The prince was sad because he was an only child. The prince was born to
be a powerful sorcerer. However, in his land no sorcerer could become
the ruler. Either he would be forced to give up the magic that had been
a part of his life from the day he had been born, or the throne would
go to another branch of the family, and he would no longer be a prince.
It wasn't that he wouldn't have minded not being a prince anymore, but

gram:  It wasn't that he would have minded
(Watch your double negatives.)

he was quietly afraid of the other branch of his family, who's
reputation was a dark and sinister one.

suggest:  was dark and sinister.

It was on his twenty-first birthday that his world changed forever. He
and his lovely wife traveled from their home at the furthest reaches of
his mother's realm. A great feast was planned to celebrate the prince's
coming of age, though to the prince it would be a day of mourning as he

punc:  mourning, as

would have to surrender his magic forever.
The feast was spectacular, like none the kingdom had seen before. Those
invited to the party celebrated in grand fashion, and all agreed the
experience would be one they would never forget.
However.. the handsome prince was nowhere to been seen.... It was late

suggest:  However, the
and:  to be seen.
(Ellipses are used to "trail off" text.  You're using them as
generic pauses, where period or commas would be more appropriate.)

in the night when the prince came out to the celebration. He made for a
grim spectacle indeed, reminding everyone that this was to be the day a

suggest:  grim sight
("Grim" suggests somberness, while "spectacle" suggests increased activity.)

part of him would die forever. He was dressed from head to foot in
black, in mourning, as was his beautiful wife.
They went to the middle of the dance floor and danced a dance of eerie
beauty, just one dance. And all who saw that dance wept, for they had
been celebrating on the most painful day of the prince's life. That
dance's memory, terrible and beautiful would live on in their hearts
forever.
As the last chord of the grim waltz was sounded, a thin wail came from
the edge of the ballroom, and all eyes turned to the sound.
The prince's mother, who many had forgotten about in their talk of the

gram:  mother, whom
punc:  forgotten about, in their

prince and his absence, had arrived. The queen walked with great
difficulty, and her guardians kept to her side with looks of purpose on
their brows.
The queen whispered something to her beloved son and kissed him on the
forehead, on the birthmark that marked him as her son. She said then to
everyone, "There will be no death on this day; the prince's sister has
been born!"
The prince took his infant sister from her mother's arms and, with
tears in his eyes whispered something for her and her alone to hear. It
is said that he gave her a True Name on that day, that would insure
that she would forever know happiness.

gram:  on that day, which would
("That" is used to specify one of many.)

No-one has ever discovered the True Name of the little princess, but

sp:  No one
(Better than "noone", though  ;)

the name carries great power from her brother. As long as her name
exists, somewhere in the hearts of mankind, she will never truly
perish.
And They All Lived Happily Ever After..." Tsukino Ikuko murmured
softly.

sp:  Ikuko Tsukino
(Everybody's else's name is surname-last.)

Little Usagi Tsukino smiled in her sleep as her mother closed the book
of bedtime stories. Her mother smiled and kissed her on the forehead as
she pulled the covers on her bed around her warmly. "Good night, Little
Princess..." she whispered as she crept softly out of the room.

Some immediate comments.  You had a lot of repeated words and phrases,
but I think they were quite appropriate to the storybook feel.

Also, I normally wouldn't have made the "whom" and "which" comments,
but I felt they were also appropriate for the storybook nature.

You might want to consider quoting the whole passage.  Put a new quote
mark at the beginning of each paragraph, but not at the end.  The
internal speech would use single quotes, instead of double.

Ignore the above paragraph if you are trying to acehive the effect where
the mother starts talking, and we "fade in" to a scene from the past.

[...]

Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon: Legacy
Episode One: Enter a Man in Black

[...]

The teacher frowned as he peered over the English book and slung a
piece of chalk expertly across the classroom, to careen perfectly off
the forehead of a sleeping student. All the while, continuing to drone
through the lesson, sounding just as bored with it as the students
were.

Urk!  The first sentence is too long, and the second is incomplete.
There's no subject or verb: it's just a series of adjectival clauses.

suggest:  English book.  He slung a
gram:  All the while, he continued

At length he finished the lesson and closed the book. "Tsukino- san, I

suggest:  After a great length
(How does one "finish at length"?)

would like to speak with you after school..." he said in a soft tone as

suggest:  after school," he
punc:  tone, as

he packed up his satchel. He wrote the homework assignment on the board
and returned the class's bow before walking out.
"H-hai, Satori-sensei...." Usagi Tsukino said in a small voice. Ryu

This is more what I expect for ellipses.  Usagi's voice clearly is
trailing off here.  I won't bring up the subject, again.

I would expect the homework to go up on the board first, and for the
teacher to get Usagi's attention as she was leaving, not the other
way around.

Satori was a recent graduate of University, with a master's in English

suggest:  a recent university graduate,
suggest:  master's degree

education. He'd lived much of his life abroad, his mother having been

suggest:  abroad, since his mother had been

in the American Army. His mixed heritage showed only a little, his eyes

suggest: U.S. Army
(I may be mistaken, but I was under the impression that other countries
often refer to "us" as "the States" or "the U.S.," so as not so cause
confusion with Canada, Mexico, or any of the other countries in the
American continent.)

a piercing blue and his skin a little pale for the Japanese norm.

suggest:  His eyes were a ... and his skin was
(New sentence)

You seem to be avoiding the verb 'to be', using adjectival clauses
instead.  That's fine if there's only one, and it's part of a larger
sentence, but using these clauses when the point is to describe
something, feel free to use "is" or "was"!

He was tall for a Japanese man, standing at six feet and lean, perhaps

suggest:  He was tall for a Japanese man, and lean -- perhaps too lean --
standing at six feet tall.
(In your sentence he is "standing lean".)

a little too lean. He wore a button-down white shirt and black pants,
as was typical for the teachers at that high-school. As a break with

suggest:  the high school

tradition, he wore his hair abnormally long, down to the middle of his
back, and pulled up off his shoulders into a low-hanging ponytail.

suggest:  pulled over his shoulders
(I've never heard the term "pulled off one's shoulders".)

He wandered into the teachers' offices and slumped down at his desk. He
put his satchel aside and started going through some papers.
Minako Aino... She spoke English as well as he could, though her

suggest:  as well as he, although
also:  Use colons instead of ellipses for all the characters

writing skills showed a lack of polish.
Ami Mizuno... A brilliant student, well on her way to the top of her
graduating class.
Makoto Kino... A nice girl, who tried very, very hard to act as if she
wasn't a good six inches taller than anyone else at the school.

I like this description.  :)

gram:  she weren't a good
(I assume an English professor would think with proper grammar.)

And then there was Usagi Tsukino...
He sighed...
A sweet, sweet girl.. who he was convinced had not a thought in her
head sometimes. It wasn't that she wasn't intelligent, really... She
was just very focused on a set of priorities that most assuredly did
not focus on or anywhere near her schoolwork.
He wondered what it was that made these girls attract his notice. There
was something eerily familiar about them that he couldn't put his
finger on...

This positively SCREAMS new-guy-about-to-help-the-sailor-senshi.
Maybe that's intentional, but you might want to try making it a
little less obvious with:

suggest:  There was something about them that caught his attention.

Minako seemed to want to try hard... There were certain things she put
a startling amount of energy into, such as volleyball. But when it came
to regular school work she hardly every applied herself. It wasn't that
she was scatterbrained, she just put no effort into it, as if she
didn't see a point to it all.

Although, she *is* scatterbrained... ^_^;;;

Also, does she *seem* to want to try hard, or does she just try hard?

Ami was a brilliant student, who had to be pried out of her shell
sometimes. When his superiors weren't peering over his shoulder and he
broke with the lesson plan, it was always hard to get a response out of
her.
Makoto had a heart bigger than her 5'8" frame could possibly hold, but
the psych classes he'd had to take back at the University told him

cap:  university
(It's lower case, unless it's part of a proper name.)

there was something under the surface... According to her records she
was an orphan....
He shook his head and rubbed at his eyes.. his mind had wandered again,
he had papers to grade...
He never got around to pondering Usagi Tsukino until much later...

Usagi knocked on the door to the teachers' offices after school was
over and gulped. Satori-sensei was a mountain of a man, even more
physically intimidating than her boyfriend could be, when the teacher
wanted to be.

suggest:  delete "when the teacher wanted to be."
(It feels like the clause is dangling out there.)

"Enter."
Usagi slid open the door to find her English teacher at his desk,
pondering the last test. He'd undone the top button of his shirt and
put his necktie into his satchel, one end was hanging out of it, plain
to see.

gram:  satchel; one end was
(This is a run on sentence.)

"Tsukino-san..." he began.
"I'msosorryIfellasleepinthemiddleofclass!" Usagi blurted out, bowing
low.
Satori blinked. "I forgive you, Tsukino-san, however I advise you try

punc:  Tsukino-san, however, I
or:  Tsukino-san.  However,

to get more sleep at night. You *have* shown progress from your
performance last year, however not much." He gestured to the seat next

suggest:  but not much
(Don't repeat "however".)

to his desk. "I'd like to know how you study for my class," he said.
"Ah.. well... My friends and I get together before the test and..." she
muttered sheepishly.

"I mean, we study every night, of course!"  ^o^

Satori smiled slightly. "And I bet you have your friend Aino-san help
you study the night before? I remember when I was your age, my friends
were always asking me to help them with their language classes. I speak
English, Japanese, Korean and a little German, all because, like your
friend I've lived in those places for long periods of time." He thought

punc: friend, I've

about something for a moment and then pulled a few books out of his
satchel. "I'm going to give you some extra work out of class, Tsukino-
san. Your problem is not grammar, it's vocabulary." He handed her a
Japanese-to-English dictionary and a rather thick novel.
The novel had a painting of a dark-skinned man in dark robes, holding a
sword as if he were guarding a ceremonial post. To the man's right was
a woman in a blue and gold dress stepping out of a key-shaped doorway.
"A little incentive. You should find this to be a very interesting
book.. If you can translate it," he remarked. "If you can read that
one, and can convince me you understood it, I'll loan you the other one
that the author has written so far..."

Um, that doesn't sound like much of a reward...  If you successfully
complete this extra work I've given you, I'll let you do even MORE
work!  Nya ha Ha HA HA HA!

Perhaps more importantly, there appears to be no downside if Usagi
*doesn't* read the book.  He didn't say he was going to test her, or
that she should write a report.

Frankly, I can't see her even opening the book (unless there's pictures!)

Usagi peered at the cover of the book and nodded. "I'm not going to put
you into detention, Tsukino-san. I had my own nights where I stayed up
all hours when I was your age. But please don't make a habit of it..."

Don't make a habit of it?

I just had a vision of Chibi-Usa as an idol singer,
who dresses up as a boy to go to a "regular" school...

Usagi stood and bowed. "Thank you, Satori-sensei. I will do my best..."
Satori chuckled and motioned with his hand. "Your friends are by the
door waiting for you. Why not join them?"
Usagi bowed again and bounced out. She was clearly grateful her teacher
hadn't hung her out to dry.
"Yea verily I speak to you, the wise man knows one can catch more flies

punc: Yea, verily
punc:  you: the
or:  you; the

with honey than vinegar..." Ryu murmured in English as he finished
shoving his tie into his satchel and headed out the door.

The home was a rather nice, suburban one, well away from the hustle and
bustle of Tokyo proper. It was a wonderful place to settle down and
simply live life for the residents.
A semi-retired mad scientist.
A walking sign of the apocalypse.
A woman who had seen the death of a world. Two soldiers of a hidden
war.
All five lived under the same roof in an effort to regain some aspect
of the humanity they had surrendered at one time or another. In their
opinion, they had found a time to relax from the stresses of knowing
the world wasn't entirely as mundane as it seemed to the public at
large.

The above sentence is rather long.

Did you mean a place to relax?  If they did find a time, what
time are you talking about?  A time of day?  Day of the week?

It was morning, around breakfast time.
"Are you okay, Daddy?" Hotaru Tomoe asked her father. Professor Tomoe
looked positively horrible. His complexion was pallid, and his eyes
seemed a bit glazed. "I've just been feeling a bit under the weather

I only just saw Sailor Moon S at Otakon.  Does the professor have two
eyes?  From what I saw, one of the lenses of his glasses is opaque,
with some sorta runes on them...

lately, Princess...." he murmured, sipping at his morning tea and
turning slightly green. "Nothing I can't handle, right?" he asked the
woman sitting across the table, who had her head buried in the
newspaper.
"Indeed..." Setsuna Meiou remarked. She looked over the paper and
arched an eyebrow.
Hotaru failed to repress a sudden urge to giggle. In another part of
the house a small war was in progress. Haruka Tenou dueled with her
opponent in a fierce battle of wills. She refused to knuckle under, no
matter how hard it got.
Until, in her haste to keep up, she missed a key. "Your turn to do the
dishes..." Michiru Kaiou purred as she stopped playing her violin.
Haruka sighed and slumped against the keys of the piano, releasing a
discordant note. "I don't know why I even try, Michiru. I ought to know
I'm outclassed..."
Michiru poorly hid a chuckle behind her hand.

Is it really necessary to introduce everyone by their full name?
The first name seems quite sufficient.

In a rather ordinary suburb of Tokyo, well-known to be a sleepy, quiet
place for salarymen and their families to relax, a nondescript woman
dropped a small gem into a flower box as she walked down the street. It
was a lovely day out, not that she cared. She continued along her way,
boarding a bus and heading home.
The gemstone she left in the flower box beside a coffee shop glowed
momentarily, before sinking into the soil. The roots of the plants
around it started growing at a frightening pace, headed for the gem as
if were a source of nourishment more tempting than anything in the
world.
It had begun...
"Are you listening, Usagi?" Minako asked as she tried to help her
friends out with their English. She rummaged around in her backpack and
pulled out several American comics. "Ah, I found my copy of Mage!" she
said cheerfully. "The hero's a little old but he's still kinda
cute...."

Um.  ^_^;  I wonder how Minako would get her hands on a Mage comic.
Or why.  This sounds suspiciously like self-insert-by-proxy.  ;)

Makoto peered over the blonde's shoulder. "He's going bald.. and he has
a glowing baseball bat..." she noted.
"But he's dashing and brave and..." Minako trailed off. Rei sighed.
Minako was getting weirder and weirder every day. Usagi, on the other
hand, wasn't paying attention to the exchange. She had her nose buried
in a book or two. Apparently, the story her teacher had assigned to her
had, by some minor miracle, managed to catch her attention.

Of course, we're going to have to find out what it is that would grab
her attention.  She needs a phrasebook to even remember things like
"Nice to meet you", so she'd be going through hell translating it.

And that sounds too much like work to interest Usagi.

In a flower box, something twitched.

Across town, a man in an occult book store looked up and smiled. He
could feel something... It was almost time to begin...
He closed his book and locked up the shop for the day.

"Ah, it's good to be home!" a man remarked from the deck of a Chinese
freighter. He grinned broadly and adjusted a dial on the side of a pair
of goggles over his eyes, changing them from clear to dark. "<Landfall
at nine tonight?>" he asked the captain in Cantonese.
"<Yes, Professor Dawn,>" the captain replied. "<Good. Make sure the
Indian is ready to roll out. Then I and my stones will be out of your

gram:  my stones and I

hair....>" Doctor Keiichi Asagiri remarked with a grin. How he could

Son of Keiichi Morisato and Priss Asagiri?  :)

see after sundown with concealed eyes was anyone's guess.

What do you mean?  Everyone's seen those movies with the lowlight goggles.
And if he change change the tint, they're clearly techie equipment.  8)

He took his leave and wandered back to his cabin, where he opened the
briefcase sitting on his desk and chuckled. There was a dull blue glow
coming from within the case, dimly illuminating the room in shades of

suggest: from within, dimly illuminating the room.
(You repeated "case" and "blue".)

blue. "Five years of work and research finally paid off..." he murmured
softly. He closed the briefcase and put it down with the rest of his
luggage.

Somehow I doubt he declared that when he came into the country...

Hours later he rolled out of the freighter's hull via the loading ramp.

punc:  later, he

He was driving a classic motorcycle with a suitcase and the briefcase
crammed into the sidecar. He stood off of the bike for a moment and
waved to the captain before tugging his long, brown coat several sides
too large back into place on his lanky frame and ran a hand through his
mop-like silver hair.
It was definitely good to be back...
He clambered back on his motorcycle and headed off into town.

I'm not sure "clambered" is the word you want, here.
It means to climb up with difficultly (especially on all fours).

Ryu Satori fell asleep while grading papers.

This reaks of new-guy-about-to-help-the-sailor-senshi, again.  ;)

In the darkness, eyes opened.
Cold, golden eyes.
The owner of those eyes yawned and stretched, wrapping a proper
disguise around his form. He peered around the room he had awakened in
and sifted through the memories of his new body.
Magic was gone?
No, if that were true then he wouldn't exist... Which meant the ability
to access it had been forgotten. He quickly surrounded himself in

suggest:  Which meant that people had forgotten how to access it
(Avoid the passive voice.)

arcane power to confound the senses. He stepped through the wall of the
apartment and floated to the ground.
He took stock of the area and flickered into invisibility. The being
reached out with his mind, seeking those who must know the Art. He came

pet peeve:  "the Art" is a horribly overused term.
Although more typically for martial arts in Ranma...

up nearly empty. In a country of millions, only a few were remotely
Active. The being sighed and went off in search of disturbances he

suggest:  the disturbances
or:  some disturbances

could feel in the back of his mind.
A vacant lot where once a school had stood, and a weak ripple in space-

suggest:  back of his mind:  a vacant lot
(Sentence fragment.)

time. He sealed off the ripple quickly and collected several buried
artifacts, stealing them away in his coat.
Couldn't leave things like *those* lying around.... Under the cover of
darkness the being traveled unseen, looking into the past events around
Tokyo, the Nerima District in particular. Out of all of the city,

cap:  district
(I think it's called a ward.)

Nerima in general was heavily steeped in the residue of a mystical war
or three.
What was going on here?
The entity slunk of into the night, searching for meaning behind the
odd ripples he was sensing.

A creature composed of masonry and plant matter burst out of the wall
where the gem had been planted in a flower box. It made not a sound as
it shambled over to the woman waiting for it.

suggest:  It didn't make a sound

The woman was no longer nondescript. She wore all white. A white PVC
bodysuit with a white trenchcoat over it to be exact. The only other

punc:  it, to be exact

suggest: she wore all white (a white... to be exact).
(Sentence fragment)

color she wore was a blue gem set into a black, metallic pin on the
lapel of her coat.

suggest:  The only other colorful thing
(A blue gem is a peice of jewelry, not a color.)

{Status report, Acheron...} a voice rasped in her mind. {The golem is
ready for testing. What are you orders?} the woman in white, Acheron,
thought.

suggest:  the woman in white replied.

Each new speaker (thinker) should have a new paragraph.

{Just a test of over all power for now. I want to see how resistant it
is to the Senshis' magic....} The voice then chuckled. {Don't try

sp:  Senshi's magic
(Senshi is the plural form.)

taking them on yourself. I've invested far too much time in you for you
to get yourself annihilated by Sailor Moon.}

suggest:  to get annihilated

{Understood.}
Acheron commanded the golem to begin rampaging. She then vanished in a
blast of cold air. There was no need for her to make sure the normal
authorities of Tokyo wouldn't stop it. The golem had no need to fear
anything Mundane short of a tank.
The golem looked around for a moment before deciding to wade through
the very coffee shop that had given birth to it moments before.
>From there, it started systematically annihilating anything that came
within its line of sight with brute force.

The man wrapped in an aura of distraction and confusion frowned as
something caught his attention. He frowned deeply and began to close

punc:  frowned, as

suggest:  He moved towards a disturbance in the distance.
(You already said he frowned.)

the distance to the disturbance.
Rampaging in Nerima is a dangerous prospect. Rampaging in the Juuban
sub-section of Nerima is a death-sentence. Coincidence is a measurable

Is Juuban in Nerima?

force in Juuban... And what happens when monsters attack?
They wander right by where a whole bunch of Senshi are as a general

punc:  are, as

rule. In the case of this creature, it blundered past the shrine,
making enough noise to wake the dead.

suggest:  Rei's shrine
or:  the Hikawa shrine

Perhaps it was the car it was dragging behind it? It certainly was hard
to miss...

Rei looked up from her studying. "Did I just hear.." Makoto sighed.

suggest:  "Did I just hear...?"

Each speaker should have their own paragraph!

"The sound of a car being drug down the street by something very large
and unfriendly."
"Once more into the britches my friends!" Minako called out, putting
one foot on the table as she stood.

Cute.  :)

They didn't bother trying to correct her. What would the use be? She'd
just botch another quote later....

punc:  quote, later

This steals some of the thunder of the above joke.
I would suggest you delete the last two sentences.

Usagi looked up from the book she had managed to get engrossed in and
looked towards the street. "Why couldn't they go somewhere else for

punc: else, for

once?" she wondered. "Or pick a better time to attack..." she grumbled.

suggest:  Why couldn't they ... somewhere else, for once, she wondered.
or:  She wondered why ... somewhere else, for once.
(Using quotes for thoughts and speech is confusing.)

The Senshi pulled out their various transformation relics and

suggest:  transformation pens
or:  transformation sticks
(Relics has connotations of ancient magical artifacts of great power.)

transformed into their superheroic alter-egos. None were too thrilled
with the concept of marching off to battle again. But it *was* their

gram:  again, but it

job.. and the police certainly couldn't stop the average night-skulking
critter Juuban routinely played host to.
Thus was the battle joined....
And soon it became clear that they were glaringly outmatched. "This

suggest:  seriously outmatched

can't be happening..." Sailor Moon stammered as her scepter failed to
do anything to her target. She looked at it and shook it. "C'mon..
WORK!" she demanded. She looked up and eeped as she saw the monster

Should've used duracell.  ;)

rushing at her with astounding speed for its bulk.
The monster was very shocked when it was brought up short, held in a

suggest:  contained by a

glassy sphere of light. It pounded against the walls of the globe, to
no avail.
"What are you doing?" a voice muttered.
The golem squawked at the sound of the voice, almost as if something in
its primitive mind was very, very afraid of the voice.
"Batsu Yomi..." the voice murmured, his voice somehow carrying. The
sphere's interior lit up like a small sun, blasting the monster into
dust.
"Sailor.. Moon?" the voice wondered. "Fascinating...." Moon followed
the sound of the voice to the top of a lightpole, where a man in black
was perched in a pose, who, while not quite as grand as Tuxedo Kamen in
bearing, he certainly came close. He was dressed entirely in black,
with a black trenchcoat over a black dress shirt and pants. Around his
neck hung a medallion, silver circle with a six-pointed star within it,
made of one piece of very thick, silver wire bent into shape. His face
was concealed from the bridge of his nose down by a black, silk scarf.
And in the center of his forehead was a very familiar crescent. A
golden crescent moon.

sp:  light pole
sp:  trench coat

"Who are you?" Moon asked. She watched as he effortlessly dropped to
the ground, absorbing the impact with his legs fluidly.

suggest fluidly absorbing
(Don't put the adverb so far away from the verb it modifies.)

"I can remember all sorts of Senshi.. but not a Sailor Moon..." he
mused. "As to who I am, I think that can wait for another time. I have
a few things to look into...." He looked around at the Senshi as they
began to get up.
And abruptly, he was gone.
He didn't jump to the roofs.
He was simply.... Gone....

The above three sentences can be put into a single paragraph.

Sailor Moon blink-blinked.. "What just happened here?" she asked. The
other Senshi staggered to their feet, looking rather pained. "I have no
idea..." Mercury said quietly. She checked the area unobtrusively for
residual energies of the man in black's attack on the monster. "Let's
go.... I want to look over these readings closely."
The Senshi nodded and vanished into the night.

I'd suggest another word besides vaished, unless they, too, were
sinply there one second, and gone the next.

A man in white robes pondered the data.
The golem had been blasted apart by a magical attack of such magnitude
it had overwhelmed its innate magic resistance. He frowned deeply and
looked at Acheron. "I want you to hold back and observe next time. I
want to know what kind of magic-user can handle this magnitude of mana
output."
Acheron nodded.
"*Do*Not*Attack* and do not let them see you." Acheron nodded again.

suggest:  *Do* *Not* *Attack*
(Leave spaces between words, unless you want them to appear rushed.)

"Now go recharge."

punc:  Now, go

Acheron nodded, yet again, and headed off. The man in white sighed

punc:  nodded yet again, and

deeply and looked over the pattern floating in his crystal ball. The
currents of mana that had been directed against the golem were beyond
anything he had thought possible. He silently cursed his inability to
scry targets directly and pondered the meaning of the currents a good
while longer.

So is it "mana" or "magic"?

That night, Usagi yawned widely as she closed the book she'd been

punc: widely, as

assigned and looked at the clock. "Three in the morning?" she said
tiredly. "Ugh..." She staggered off to bed and, whether the fault of
the fight or the book, or a combination of both, she had a dream.

gram:  off to bed, and, whether it was the fault of the fight, the book,
or a combination of both, she

suggest:  had an unusual dream.
(Everyone has dreams, what's special about this one?)

"Who are you?" a man asked.
Usagi turned around to look at the voice. A man whose face was wrapped
in shadow stood behind her and slightly above her, several spheres of
light circling around him slowly. "Who are you?" he asked again.
She looked down at herself and realized she was in a long, white gown.
"Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom," she replied.

suggest:  Princess Serenity,
(Drop the Moon Kingdom)

"incorrect..."

cap:  "Incorrect..."

"Uh... Usagi Tsukino?" she said worriedly. What was this guy looking
for.

punc:  for?

"incorrect..."
Usagi blink-blinked. "Well, I'm running out of real names, unless you
want me to say I'm both!" she snapped back. She hated dreams where she
knew what was going on and couldn't get out.
The Man in Black chuckled as he stepped out of the shadows. "I think
you might be on the right track..." he mused.
Usagi woke up abruptly to the sound of her alarm going off. She groaned
in frustration, because she couldn't for the life of her remember what
the Man in Black's face looked like in the dream.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+

"Small Two Of Pieces" Ending for Xenogears
Ending for Legacy

Ending song also snipped.

[...]

- Berk' Watkins, Student of Quantum Bogodynamics

Buy One Get One free dynamics?


Technical points:

The language of this story sounds odd.  You seem to like to cram
adverbs and subordinate clauses all over the place.  It makes for
long sentences, overcomplicates the text.

On the other hand, you also have a habit of repeating words, and
inserting short sentences, which makes the story read more choppy:
"See Spot run.  Run, Spot, run."

It's weird, especially combined with the longer sentences.
Very uneven.

By best suggestion would be to simplify the language.  It will
makes the whole thing easier to read.

Impression:

I'm afraid this isn't really the sort of fic I'm interested in.
I don't read too many SM fics, and of the ones I do, I'm more
interested in the existing characters in new situations, rather
than seeing new enemies/allies.  I just don't have any interest
in the Silver Millennium.

I found the mysterious man annoying.  It's a gut reaction I have
to new characters sweeping out of nowhere, exhibiting great powers.
I had no particular opinion of the "bad guys."  I did like the
teacher's assesment of our favorite students.

Good luck writing!


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"