Seinfeld 1/2
                             A double parody in script.
                        By Kevin "SailorTerra" Callahan

                               It's a fic about nothin'

***

                                    Scene I

        Evening. Small one room New York apartment. Sparsely
        furnished, with a bike rack in the background, a small
        dining nook behind a blue couch. Fair sized kitchen
        to stage left with a breakfast bar separating it from
        the rest of the small apartment. RANMA sits on a couch
        reading a magizine and watching a baseball game.

ANNOUNCER: And there you have it! Mets win 6-5 over the Chicago Cubs!

 [RANMA picks up the remote and switches the TV off.]

RANMA: That game was too predictable...

 [RANMA turns his head as a loud crash sounds from off stage left. The door
  crashes open and RYOGA comes dizzily through the broken door and dust as an
  unseen audience claps and laughs.]

RANMA: RYOGA!!! Can't you try to get a map or something?

RYOGA: Ranma, uhm yes well, I'm just here for some Milk.

 [RYOGA wanders dizzily over to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator and
  pulls out a carton of milk and starts to drink it. More laughing comes from
  the unseen audience.]

RYOGA: Hey, Ranma, I invited Mousse over. He should be over any minute.
RANMA: Moouse? But Ryoga...
 
 [A knocking comes from the barely hinged door. RANMA gets up and opens it.
  It falls off. More laughing from the unseen audience. MOUSSE appears at the 
  door.]

MOUSSE: Heeeelllloooo Raaaanmaaaa
RANMA: Heeeelllloooo Mooouuuussse
RYOGA: Ah, good now that we are all here, what's for dinner?
RANMA: Huh? I was just planning on having some ramen...
RYOGA: Say, why don't we go to that new chinese place around the corner.
       I'll even drive!
MOUSSE: That's fine with me...
RANMA: Ryoga driving, are you craz--
ROYGA: Just come on!

 [RYOGA drags RANMA out the door. More laughing from the unseen audience.]

                                Scene II

        Night. Blue Car. RYOGA is driving. RANMA sits on the passenger seat.
        MOUSSE sits in the back.

RANMA: I thought you said this place was just around the block!
RYOGA: It is.
RANMA: Then why have we been driving around the city for two hours?
RYOGA: Uhm... I keep missing my turnoff...?
RANMA: Ryoga.. you idiot...
MOUSSE: Hey wasn't that just the place?
RANMA: YES.

 [RANMA grabs the wheel and turns it. Unseen audience laughs at the swerving
  of the car. The car gets parked and all occupants exit the vehicle.]

                                Scene III

        Night. Brightly lit Chinese restaurant. Walls are red with 
 gold gong to stage left. SHAMPOO stands at a podium to down
        stage right. RANMA and the others approach SHAMPOO. She 
        takes out several menus.

SHAMPOO: This Mandarin Delight. Welcome. Here your menus. You be seated now.
RYOGA: That was fast.
RANMA: Quite.
MOUSSE: Shaaaamppoooooooo....

 [Unseen audience laughs as MOUSSE drools over SHAMPOO. SHAMPOO directs the
  group to a four place table down stage left. All sit down and SHAMPOO hands
  them the menus.]

RANMA: Hmm... let's see... I think I'll take the beef lo mein...
RYOGA: Baked fish skin, that sounds really good.
ALL BUT RYOGA: GAAAAAH

 [RANMA looks up as AKANE enters the restaurant. She talks to SHAMPOO, though 
  the audience cannot hear what is spoken. AKANE comes and sits down next to
  RANMA.]

RANMA: So.. Akane, how was your day?
AKANE: I got kidnapped two times, sexually harrased by my boss, I'm being
       followed by a ninja, and Happosai is attempting to steal my panties.
       So, basically my life is crap and I should end it right now.
RANMA: OOOOOKKKKAAAAYYY....

 [RYOGA, unbeknowest to the others, has craned his neck over to another 
  table.]

RYOGA: Hey, psst, ya, you. You gonna eat that?
LADY: Why I Never!!! You pig!
RYOGA: Uhm... so?

 [Camera goes back to RANMA and AKANE.]

RANMA: Uhm, Akane, I have two tickets to the next mets game. Wanna go?
MOUSSE: I do! I do!
RANMA: Shuuuut-uuuup Mooooouuuusssse.
MOUSSE: Hrmph.
AKANE: Well... I suppose... Sure, why not?
RYOGA: Because if you go you might get hit with a ball and get amnesia and 
       you.... What? She DID ask...
RANMA: Ryoga... You idiot...
RYOGA: Ok... enough of this. I'm sick of playing some retraded guy with weird
       hair. This fic has absolutely no point. It's all dribble. If I could 
       find the damn author I'd teach him a thing or two.
RANMA: I don't have any problem with this.
AKANE: Of course you don't, your character is the star. While mine's some 
       depressed working woman. I agree with Ryoga, let's go get the author.        
SHAMPOO: Shampoo in! She get only small part.
MOUSSE: Where Shampoo goes, I follow.

 [ALL get up with determined looks on their faces. KEVIN wanders in.]

KEVIN: Hey, Hey! You can't do this, I'M THE AUTHOR. You just sit back in those
       chairs and start acting.
RYOGA: Like hell! 
ALL: YEA!

 [Fade to black as KEVIN gets the crap beat out of him by ALL. Screams are 
  heard after the fade to black.]

KEVIN: This not how this is supposed to end---
RYOGA: SHUT UP and keep dying!
KEVIN: ....  

***

Flames, Comments, CC, all are welcome. Send to Kionon@hotmail.com

Kevin Callahan
Bizzaro Fic Writer