Hi.  Okay, you already know that you need help with
your sentence structure and paragraphs.  I'm not gonna
go on about that.  I also won't C&C your story
line-by-line, because... well, I'm sorry, but I'm just
not up to the job.  However, some simple pointers:
   Every time a new character speaks, make a new
paragraph.  Half the time in your story I couldn't
understand who said what.
   Choose a tense and stick to it.  Sometimes you may
want to change your tenses, but try to follow one
tense through.  Don't change randomly.
   Commas are good.  So are short sentences.  Try to
write as simply as possible; don't go into overlong
descriptions.  Your first challenge is to make your
story easily understood by the readers.
   If your sentence is more than four lines long, it's
not a sentence anymore.  It's a run-on.  Later, you
can make your sentences whatever length you need, but
for now...  The shorter the better.  Less is more.
   When characters speak, _don't_ put a period after
their words, like this:
   "Leggo of me." Ranma said.
   Instead, use a comma, like this:
   "Leggo of me," Ranma said.
   Make a new paragraph whenever you introduce a new
idea, new point of view, or new developement.
I really can't think of much else.  I hope this was of
some help.

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