The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

This is my first fic series in here. Tell me how did I do,
be honest. Give me all the C&C that would be good for my
health.

Frankly, your narrative style, in fact your entire writing style
altogether, is a complete train wreck. You have no concept of
paragraphs, you have no concept of proper sentence structure, and you
have no concept of correct formatting for prose. You mash sentence
after misshapen sentence together in a rambling cacophony of words
which, while seeming to be almost correctly assembled, are virtually
incomprehensible as a whole.

I got two paragraphs--and I use that term very loosely, because you
don't actually *have* paragraphs here--into this literary disaster
before I gave up in frustration.

Don't give up your day job. You won't be writing the Great American
Novel anytime soon.

Um... Lurker?

Do you actually want to help the writer, or are you just out to vent?

If it's the latter, please do it elsewhere; I'd rather not listen to
such tripe.  If it's the former, a rant of that manner in a public forum
in reference to another work was uncalled for.  I'm not particularly
disagreeing with your assessment; only the manner in which you presented
it.  We should be trying to help these people - not hurting them.

That said, let's see where things went wrong with this work, and what
can be done to fix it.

First of all... there does need to be better organization to the work. 
People have recommended Strunk and White's "Elements of Style" for
guidelines on how to organize prose into paragraphs and the like;
personally, I prefer a more down-to-earth approach.  Take a book whose
writing you enjoy.  Re-read it, taking note as to how the author uses
separation of paragraphs.  Note things such as, "How does the author
separate what is going on at different points of the work?" and "Does
the author use quotes from two different characters in the same
paragraph?" and "Why did the author put a break there?"  In short,
analyze other works to see why the author did what he or she did, and
try to put those lessons into your own writing style.

Secondly... the idea, while developed so far, may need to be developed
further.  Everybody has good ideas for fanfic; however, the FFML's
archives are littered with 'good ideas' that didn't go very far.  All
too often, people start multi-part works, only to get bogged down when
the 'good idea' turns out not to be that well-developed in later
chapters.  Make sure you're getting a good vision of where you want the
work to go.  (And if anyone says a word about Clothes, I'll politely
explain why I've been tearing my hair out for the past few months, and
it has nothing to do with what's above!)

Finally... one of the problems developing writers have is their style of
storytelling, or, as I like to think of it, their 'voice'.  Like a
person who has never sang before, a person without much writing
experience is unfamiliar with the voice, and occasionally stumble
through and make mistakes.  I could be wrong here, but it looked like
you were trying to copy Biles' style of quirky humor in the work.  For a
beginning author, attempting to emulate a style is not a bad idea;
however, over time, you're going to need to try other things to see if
perhaps a different style might suit you better.  To be honest, this
voice seemed to work okay; however, the work does occasionally go a bit
over the top, especially when you broke the fourth wall.

That said, please do not be discouraged by the advice of Mr. Lurker
here.  Write.  Write more.  The only way you're going to improve is with
practice.

-- Nick