<>Here sirs we come to very tragic Spring of
<>Drowned Internet provider who kept messing up poor
<>fanfic writer's connection for past several days.
Hmm. That was strange... I don't know why it didn't show up right
last time. Oh, well. Sorry about that.
<>That's because the FFML server doesn't send attachments.
<>Please stick to plain text next time, I'd rather
<>not have to deal with messy HTML either.
Excellent! More Ranma the Godking!
I always get a kick out of this.
<>Er....thanks but he's not a God.
<>Nor is he invincible.....
Gotta make some comments this time. I'm a military history and
weapons technology buff, and your battle scene of the planetary
assault can definitely use work.
<>*Shrugs* I'm more used to RPG styles. That could explain it.
"finally" and "this time" probably shouldn't be used in the same
sentence. It sounds weird. I'd suggest:
"This time, it seems my friend bit off more than he could chew."
<>I thought it looked fine.
Grammar: "... with me and my companions."
One trick to figuring out the right pronoun to use is by breaking the
sentence up into its component thoughts. You'd say " he spent such a
short time with me" and "... a short time with my companions", if they
were different sentences. Saying "he spent such a short time with
myself" isn't very good grammar.
"... despite the worst Fate throws at him." Or, "... despite the
worst the Fates throw at him."
<>Thanks for pointing these out, I'll make corrections
<> for the final draft.
You seem to have a thing for the word "yet" in this paragraph.
<>*Sweatdrop*
Spelling: "raiment", not "rainment". Also, "clothing" would be
just as effective, unless the character is pretentious.
<>raiment seemed more appropriate in this case.
"Escorted"? How about "accompanied"? If these are proud
warriors, then "escorted" has a connotation that would be insulting to
them; it implies that they couldn't take care of themselves.
<>They were mostly scholars and travelers in her party.
<>Proud warriors they are not, though they know how to
<>defend themselves. Escort is essentially the right word here.
<>BTW:Erin Tarn is the most famous historian & scholar
<>in Rifts.
Three dots in the ellipse.
<>Oops.
<g>. He IS a knight in shining armor; he just wears it on the
inside most of the time! ^_^
<>A little silly humor on my part.
"The transports were obsolete and had been mothballed ages ago by
<>They're not obsolete, just slow and helpless.
"Deterrents" isn't a good word for an active battle group.
<>That was referring to their weapons systems, standard corvettes
<>don't normally have enough firepower to threaten a goodsized
<>capital ship
Major point: Cruise missiles are jet powered and have wings.
They fly like an airplane. They are incapable of flying in space,
because except for the booster that launches them, they are not rocket
propelled. Once they've launched and they've deployed their wings,
then they drop the rocket pack and the jet takes over.
<>Sorry, this is Pallidium's fault. Cruise Missiles in
<>Rifts: Phase World are *not* like the USA's Tomahawk.
<>They are more like ICBMs. Except more compact, lots faster,
<>more accurate, and a hell lot more destructive. The science
<>of science fiction can get confusing.
They aren't particularly fast, as jets go.
<>According to Pallidium Space Warfare Rules:
<>Cruise missiles travel several "thousand"
<>miles per hour. In fact at distances of a
<>mile or less they are considered to be at
<>point blank range and it is *impossible*
<>to even try to or shoot them since they will
<>hit in less then a second, no weapons system is
<>fast enough to react in that short time span.
They are a long range weapon, so speed was sacrificed
for endurance. They fly low and depend on their small
size to avoid interception.
<>In Rifts, Long Range means bigger and faster.
I'd suggest dropping all "cruise missile" references and just
calling the weapons "anti ship missiles" instead.
<>There are a different group of missiles with that name already.
That's a trick that only works with radar or radio guided
weapons. Are these preprogrammed like a cruise missile, laser guided,
or self guiding? If so, then they couldn't be taken over that way.
If they depend on ground tracking, heat signatures, or radio/radar
guidance, then they can be spoofed like that.
<>This is technology several million years ahead of
<>anything on Earth, ECM and Guidence systems have
<>risen to a whole new level.
You should define about how many missiles were launched. Later
on, you say that 10 remain when the WS spoofs them, which isn't very
many when you've got CAP and the ultrahigh tech equivalent of an Aegis
system taking them on. Why would 10 worry them? Are they low on ammo at
this point, from shooting down hundreds of the things?
<>Each one of those missiles is *extremely* powerful, and
<>possesses a computer guidance system that not only sends
<>it into preprogrammed evasive patterns, but also allows
<>the damn thing to dodge attacks directed at it.
<>The CAP are out of position and the crew's just been
<>through over 9 hours of combat action, including this crisis.
<>Antimatter warheads exceed the damage of nuclear fusion
<>warheads by a factor of about 100. That
<>barrage could vaporize a starcruiser, never mind a single
<>corvette. They've got good reason to worry.
Excuse me? They've been shooting these things down for several
minutes already, and they're only NOW raising their defenses? That's
silly. Those orders would have been given as soon as the launch was
detected.
<>Sorry, my fault. That line was supposed to be up higher.
"Smart bombs" is another term to avoid. Bombs are free falling
weapons, not self-propelled like missiles. Guidance on smart bombs
doesn't change the fact that they really only go in one direction:
down. It just gives you control of which azimuth they go down
towards.
<>Sorry, Pallidium's the one at fault again.
There are a lot of not-mortal critters running in the
neighborhoods he's used to. Why would he assume she's a godling? Why
not Draconic, Fey, or any of the crew he runs with?
<>Dragons, Elves, and all the others are long lived but
<>they do age and die. Gods, Alien Intelligences and a few
<>select others are not mortal. He's assuming she's the
<>most probable of the possibilities from Ishtar's hint.
Why would he be moving fast? That's not good bedside manners.
He'd be trying to appear reassuring (or at least as reassuring as
possible for a giant, faceless suit of armor).
<>He can't help it, it's not easy trying to move slow when
<>you've got his speed and reflexes.
Strange. Around my midsection ISN'T where I keep my ribs, bruised
or not. I tend to leave them up in my chest area. Is the Senshi
transformation more than skin deep?
<>Referring to the lower ribcage right above the kidneys.
<>That's stretching a bit but it's still the upper midsection.
Also, Graviton is not a suburb of Tokyo, so they probably wouldn't
compete regularly with Furinken. Graviton City was built in the
crater that formed when C-ko's space capsule crashed on Earth. It's a
seaport, and not that close to any other major cities. I don't know
what the town was that was wiped out in the process...
<>It's Anime Crossover Logic, just nod and smile.
"Residual attraction"? I'd suggest "initial attraction".
<>But she's still shaking off last night's incident.
Huh? He's a knight, a protector of the innocent, etc. etc. and
he's walking away from Sasami and Skuld, who are essentially
defenseless, because he senses major trouble coming? That is SO
out-of-character, the way you've written him so far!
<>Sorry, the fixed up draft is more clear.
<>Ranma is pretty sure that whatever is coming
<>isn't evil and is only after *him*.
Are you kidding? Lum probably had a 21" stereo monitor with
satellite reception stuffed in her bikini top! God knows she carries
everything else there. Talk about stuff space!
<>But it probably doesn't get Earth reception, her
<>stuff is notoriously incompatible with things like that.
<>Thanks for the C&C. Every bit helps.
<>-Shade
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