It's been a while... Sorry to all my friends whose idea I borrowed this
from. First time this thing's gone to print.

*===========================*
|---Onnagegge no Bakemono---|
|-(The Onnagegge Monster)---|
|-An Evangelion Spamfiction-|
|Nikholas 'Mayhem' F. Toledo|
*===========================*

      "I have a joke to tell you guys..." a younger Kaji said, his eyes
twinkling mischievously. "An H-joke..."
      "YUCK!!!" Misato screamed, turning heads in the only coffee shop
they had on campus. "That's disgusting!!!"
      Only Ritsuko stood unfazed. "Don't try to sound to eager, Misato,"
she remarked into her cup of coffee. "Go ahead, Kaji. I'll try to
restrain her to the best of my ability."
      Misato bi-eed at her. "Okay, that's it. I'll let you two perverts
have your way." She placed her hands on her ears. "I can't hear
anything... I can't hear anything..." she said over and over.
      "Well," Kaji began, "Once upon a time, but not to long ago, there
lived---"
      "I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING!!!" Misato yelled. "I CAN'T HEAR
ANYTHING!!!"
       "---a little girl bunny named Lola Bunny..." Kaji took out a cute
pink Energizer bunny and said in a little bunny voice, "Hi! My name is
Lola Bunny! It's such a fine day and I think that I'll go off for a walk
in the wild African savanna!"
      Ritsuko laughed. "That's pretty good, Kaji. Where did you learn to
do pink girl bunny voices?"
      "Government secret..." Kaji replied. Then he continued, in the
regular narrator voice. "And so off she went, hippitty-hopping across the
wild African savanna," he said, bouncing the bunny around the table.
      "Then all of a sudden, she met up with a horse that had black and
white stripes." A stuffed zebra suddenly found its way on the table.
"'What are you?' Lola Bunny asked the horse that had black and white
stripes."
      "It's a zebra!" cried Misato, hugging the stuffed animal. "It's so
cute!" Swimming-pool eyes gazed up at Kaji. "You got a penguin there
somewhere?"
      "Misato!" said Ritsuko, and pried the zebra away from her. "Will
you continue, Kaji...?"
      "So, the zebra replied, 'I'm a zebra...'
      "'What's a zebra?' Lola Bunny asked."
      Kaji's zebra voice grew menacing. "'Do you want to know?' asked the
zebra. 'Do you really want to know?'
      "'Yes!' cried Lola Bunny.
      "The zebra winked, 'then let's have...'" Kaji paused. "And so Lola
and the zebra had---" he did the appropriate action with the stuffed
toys.
      "EWW!!!" said Misato. "You mean that the zebra and the bunny had...
They actually..."
      Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "Methinks I know where this is leading
to..."
      And Kaji continued. "Afterwards, Lola Bunny was so tired that she
wasn't hippitty-hopping across the wild African savanna but was dragging
her feet as she walked, but she was happy that she got to know what a
zebra was. So she continued on her journey."
      "How could someone be happy after having... had done it with a
zebra?" Misato asked. "This is disgusting, so you better stop it."
      "And so, Lola Bunny was dragging her feet as she walked across the
wild African savanna. When she suddenly saw an animal that had a very

long neck." And, like the zebra, he took out a stuffed giraffe.
      "'What are you?' Lola bunny asked.
      "'I'm a giraffe...' said the giraffe.
      "'What's a giraffe...' she asked.
      Kaji's voice grew menacing. "'Do you want to know?' the giraffe
asked. 'Do you really want to know?'
      "'Yes!' cried Lola Bunny.
      "The giraffe winked, 'then let's have...' and the giraffe used its
long neck to..."
      "Kaji-kun," said Ritsuko, "you don't have to do the...uh...
appropriate action, you know."
      Misato didn't reply.
       And Kaji continued. "Afterwards, Lola Bunny was so tired that she
wasn't dragging her feet as she walked but was using a cane as she
staggered across the wild African savanna, but she was happy that she got
to know what a giraffe was. So she continued on her journey."
      And Kaji went on to describe the titillating adventures of Lola
Bunny with a spotted cat (leopard), a large gray creature with a horn
(rhinoceros) and an animal with a trunk (don't ask) with the appropriate
stuff toys included.
      Finally, Kaji said, "At the end of the day, as Lola Bunny belly-
flopped across the wild African savanna, she came upon a huge dark cave
in the middle of the wild African savanna. ("How can you have a cave in
the middle of the wild African savanna?" asked Misato.) And in that large
cave..."
      Kaji paused for effect, and a shadow fell across the sun outside,
turning everything into shadow. "In that large cave she saw a gigantic
creature, five days long and five days wide, with three eyes as large as
Ferris wheels on top of its head, a fierce mouth that breathed fire and
sulfur and other such toxic gases, and on top of it all hundreds upon
hundreds of hairy appendages that grotesquely protruded out of its skin
and withered like tentacles on some old H-movie.."
      Outside, a storm was about to break, and a distant rumble of
thunder was heard. A sudden silence descended upon everyone in the coffee
shop, as everyone who had overheard Kaji's story waited for what would
happen next.
      "It was an Onnagegge..." said Kaji, a shadow falling across his
eyes.
      Silence.
      Then Misato asked, "What's an Onnagegge?"
      For a moment, nothing happened. Then someone made a farting sound
as suppressed laughter came out another way. Almost instantaneously the
whole coffee shop burst into laughter, with Ritsuko the first one to fall
down on the floor laughing.
      Misato didn't get it. "What's so funny?" she asked, causing even
more people to fall on the aisles, clutching their stomachs. "WHAT THE
HECK IS AN ONNAGEGGE?"
      "You mean, you don't get it?" Ritsuko gasped, her abdominal muscles
in pain. "Oh... That's so funny!"
      Kaji wiped a tear off his eyes and replied in the most menacing
voice he could while laughing, "Do-hahaha--Do you--giggle--really want
to--haha--know?"
      "YES! DAMMIT!"

a week later...
---------------

      "Kaji-kun..." Misato moaned. "We've been doing this for a week.
When are you going to tell me what an Onnagegge is?"
      "sigh..."

------
mayhem

071499
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