Richard Lawson writes:

Just for a reference, I LOVE feedback, even harsh
(my English teachers used to specialize in that
department).

Good.  Let me crack my knuckles here.  <CRAAAACK>

 
    Well, Mr. Lawson, if we're going to go into harsh English teacher
mode here, I shall have to chastise you for your inaccurate criticism
below.

It was dusk, and the wind was hot and dry as it blew
across Hotaru's face as she sat in the grass.

<bapbapbapbap>

Avoid passive voice whenever possible, *especially* for the first line
of a story.  "It was a dark and stormy night..."  <shudder>

    That sentence is not in passive voice. All the verbs in it, "was",
"blew", "sat", are intransitive. After all, there's no way to turn around
"it was dusk" to make it active, is there?

Suggest:  "The hot, dry wind blew across Hotaru's face as she sat in
the slowly-fading light of dusk" or something like that.

    Having said that, your rewrite of the sentence is better, because it
avoids the repetitive nature of the original - "It was dusk", "the wind
was hot", "as it blew", "as she sat".

Reid Carson
rcarson@mnsinc.com
rcarson@rcarson.com