followed. Unfortunately, they were still right behind her, matching her pace 
step by step. When ever she slowed down 

"Whenever"

	There were only two of them, but they both looked dangerous. One was 
dressed in a black t-shirt and leather vest, a black bandanna tied tightly 
around his head, covering what little hair he had. 

kill the comma between head and covering

Ranma's multiple fianc�e's thought the same way, only for 
different reasons.

"fianc�es"

	Nabiki had taken it upon herself to organize the party, inviting all 

of 

Ranma's multiple fianc�e's and rivals.

"fianc�es"

	It's hard enough to entertain people you can't stand, but quite 

another 

"It's one thing to entertain�"

	Akane glanced around in surprise, realizing with a start, that the 

two men 

were gone.

Kill the comma between "start" and "that"

She knew she couldn't have lost the men so easily, they probably
knew their way around this place better than she did. 

Change the comma between "easily" and "they" to a semi-colon or hyphen.

	They had been staying at her grandfathers at the time.

grandfather's (house)

	No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't look away. They were like 

the 

blue at the core of a flame, or like a mild-deep lake set in a glacier.

mild-deep?

	Heat rose to Akane's cheeks. She's couldn't believe she was making 

such a 

fuss over some boy.

"She" couldn't believe.

	He was around her age. Lean, elegant, and extremely handsome.
Although, handsome didn't do him justice. He was beautiful.

"Although... handsome didn't"  (i.e. use the same ellipsis convention for
Akane's thoughts you used several times in previous paragraphs).

	Something else caught her eye. He was standing in a door way that was 
attached to the wall.

"doorway"

	Akane stared is surprise, unable to believe it. 

stared "in" surprise.

	"I'm sorry but I can't. I still have to get to the game store. I'm 

already 

late as it is."

I'm sorry, but I can't.  (unless you want her to sound rushed).

There was something strange about all of this. For one thing, It wasn't a

"it" wasn't a 

	She only recognized a few of them, like the mahogany mah-jongg table 

with 

ivory tiles spilled carelessly on the green felt top. The rest alluded her. 

The rest "eluded" her.

One game was a narrow case covered with hieroglyphics, and a red box with a 
gold star of David in the center. 

Confusing.  Are these together or two separate things?

There were dice every where. 

"everywhere"

All different shapes and sizes. Some twelve-sided, some shaped like 

pyramids, > and some ordinary cubical ones, made of odd material.

Incomplete sentences.  Both of them.

	"I see." he replied, looking sideways at her, and smiling. "That kind 

of 

game." The smile unnerved Akane more than anything.

Kill the comma between her and smiling.

	OK. I think it's time to go she told herself nervously.

Use single quotes or some other punctuation convention to set off her thoughts
here.

	"Danger. Seduction. Fear." Akane turned back around to face him. 

There was 

something memorizing about his voice. 

something "mesmerizing"

	"The game, of course. That's what you want isn't it? Something that 

will 

catch all of your friends attention. Something...  special?"

friends' attention.

	"We do have something like that." he said, ignoring her comment. Now's
your chance, she told herself when he disappeared through a door in the 

back 

Start a new paragraph between "comment." and "Now's"

	The guy tilted the box between his own hands, gazing at its glossy 

top. 

Akane noticed that there wasn't a single fingerprint on the shiny surface, 

The "boy" tilted

Glancing once more at the box, Akane found 
herself almost memorized by it.

"mesmerized"

	He tilted his head to one side. Light flashing off the earring he was 
wearing. Whether it was a dagger or a snake she couldn't tell. "So?" he 
prompted. Obviously unimpressed with her explanation.

Change the periods between "side" and "Light" and also between "prompted"
"obviously" to commas.

	"No! Of course not." she replied indignately. 

indignantly.

	"Hey!" Akane replied defensively, being angered by the boy's words 

for 

some reason. "Ranma may not be the greatest fianc�e in the world, but...  
well...

	Look, are you going to sell me the game or not?"

Don't start a new paragraph here without qualifying the speaker � it makes
it look like another speaker has started.

wanted to wipe that smirk off his face, but held back. Now, was not the 

time 

to let her anger get the better of her. "Here." he replied, holding the box 
out to her, his voice surprisingly gently.

Kill the comma between "now" and "was".  Start a new paragraph with the
quotation "Here.".  

his voice surprisingly "gentle"

	The words had left her mouth automatically, she hadn't meant
anything by it, she didn't even expected him to answer back. But he did.

Start a new sentence after automatically.

	Unfortunately, her happiness was cut short, when she heard the 

distinctive 

sound of thunder. 

Kill the comma between "short" and "when"

	So far, It had been a very interesting day.

"it" had been

	They had been hiding in the shadows of the alley way, apparently 

waiting 

for her. Akane mentally berated herself, she should have realized they 
wouldn't disappear so easily.

"alleyway".  Also change the comma between "herself" and "she" to a hyphen or
semi-colon.

	The two men walked slowly towards her. Creepy expressions on 

theirfaces. 

creepy run-on sentence...   Also "their faces"

She noticed that the boy wearing the flannel shirt, had a long scar along 
his left cheek. 

Kill the comma between "shirt" and "had"

	The man wearing the flannel shirt in the lead.

"was" in the lead

Walking quickly, she headed for home. Trying in vain, to 
put all other thoughts out of her mind.

she headed for home, trying in vain to put all other thoughts out of her mind.



Another comment:  I assume by the fact that you have altered the explanation
of why Akane's mother is missing from her life, that this fact will become 
significant later.  If not, it's best to stick with the standard explanation
that an illness took her.