Chan Wei Lik wrote:
Better late than never. And you deserve this for such a good piece of work.
Thanks, just when I was going to send the rewrite ^_^
I would get twice as many offers if they were to be forced to only look at
me
for an entire class.
Since she's sitting with the other pretty girls in the class, just how does
she attract their attention in such a way?
She attracted their attention when she came in late. I could make it
clearer though.
I was not at all displeased with having to sacrifice my free time on him.
I think "... I didn't mind having to..." would sound better.
Ah, trying to make her sound a bit more snobbish here.
I hinted not so subtly.
Stupid.
Four years later, even after living for two years with his girlfriend,
Keiichi still doesn't get hints. Heh!
Heh
He still liked me, I answered the question myself.
Almost everyone ignores the fact that Keiichi was smoking (in the manga)
just before he called Belldandy. Providing an idea of why he picked up
smoking was nice touch. Good job!
He was also more rough sort, like in the second story against the
otaku. The characterizations of the cast hadn't really been set but
make for a good fanfic point :P
"Yeah, this Belldandy is causing quite a stir. I don't see how she can
get so much attention even when she has a boyfriend."
You can strech things out from here. Replace this scene with one where she
realises the crowd of boys around her is less and one where she sees
Belldandy for the first time. Remember to zoom in on her thoughts like you
did throughout this fic.
"Well, when your boyfriend is someone like him..."
This would be redundant if you replaced the scene. Still, "Well, considering
who her boyfriend is..." would be more appropriate.
I'll see what I can do to fix this scene up.
When I saw who her boyfriend was, the rest is history as they say. I no
longer had anyone waiting for me at end of the long tunnel.
That MIGHT come later. In the manga, her first thoughts were it was possible
to seduce Keiichi away from Belldandy. In the context of your fic, you could
have her think that she could use whatever attraction Keiichi still had for
her to lure him away from Belldandy. That didn't work out and I leave the
rest to you.
Ah, true, should make it clearer when she thinks that. The flashbacks
were coming to an end and her thoughts were from the present.
Somehow I became that same type of person that waited.
She probably didn't wait. Chances are she would have tried harder to get
dates without appearing to be a flirt. Then again, that wouldn't go well
with your fic... I'm sure you can think of something. We do know that she
has tried to regain her Queen title offically and lost, twice.
Maybe not waited, but she does have a preference for chasing Keiichi and
not always because of Belldandy.
He was not that far removed from the pervert that watched X rated movies
that none would
believe me if I were to claim he took advantage of me in his drunken
stupor.
I agree with the others, use some affirmatives instead of the double
negative. Less confusing that way. And try "... might believe..." instead of
would.
I have a tendancy to have all the characters speak the same way. Want
to differentiate Sayoko from them with more of a snobbish tone.
She is worried about me as a rival for him, but seems to also be concerned
for my welfare at
the same time.
That's Belldandy for you. She cares about everyone, including her rivals and
enemies.
True.
She seems to know what might have been if she hadn't shown up
What might have been is that Keiichi would have gotten nowhere with her and
maybe lung cancer from all that smoking. Even if he had gotten a date with
Sayoko, their tempermant is such that a long-term relationship would be
unlikely. Nope, Belldandy has never been shown to be sorry about stepping
between Keiichi and any other girl.
This is all in Sayoko's thoughts so they are skewed a bit. I might
change that line or remove it altogether.
Thanks for the C & C.