Well, I'm well known to like *anything* reasonably well-written
that acknowledges The One True... *coughcough* erm, let's try
that again...

The unavoidable fact that you're repeating events that've
"already happened" means that, well, to be somewhat mean, it comes
off sort of like Gary Kleppe's bit of Butt: The Other Cheek (the 
angsty-Ranma one, I've forgotten the title) - not that bad by far,
but you get the idea.

It's not *really* that bad as it is, but I still think it could
be possible to skip, skim or otherwise get by those parts to
an ever further degree.

Characters... I mostly agree. There were I few spots were I thought
of commenting, but in the end didn't because it would've been too
petty and narrow in my personal interpretations.

Also, nothing much has happened yet; if you're trying to show the
consequences of The Kiss, you should perhaps come to the actual
event somewhat quicker - or, at any rate, I *strongly* suggest at
least ending the first chapter at that point, even if it does mean
just deleting the break between ch1-2 and making it into a single,
longer one.

Anyway, things have barely set in motion; I look forward to seeing
where they're headed.

A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Hound & Cabbit Productions (David "Fido"

"Hound & Cabbit Productions"? ^_^

We also hope to address some of the true reasons behind their
reluctance to act upon their hidden feelings for each other.  Chapters
1 and 2 will deal with Ranma coming to terms with the fact that he
cares for Akane.  Chapters 3 and 4 will deal with the repercussions of
his decisions, and Akane's responses to them.  From there, the rest of
the chapters will have to do with the effect their relationship is
having on the other characters in Nerima.

This is just a suggestion, but... could you not wait to the actual
*chapters* to reveal what they will be about, for !#&%#!&%" sake? ^_^;;;

Kasumi turned off the downstairs lights, and climbed the stairs as
quietly as she could. Everyone else in the Tendo home had gone to bed
while she finished the rest of the housework. She checked to see if

I think "rest" is a bit excessive - we have no idea what she's done
*before*, so IMO just "finished the housework" sounds better, or
possibly "finished the last of the housework".

there was any light coming from under Akane's door, and sighed. If her
sister had been awake, she would have gone into talk with her about
the way she'd been fighting with Ranma. Unfortunately, it had taken
Kasumi a long time to finish cleaning up the downstairs, and Akane was
sleeping.

she refers to Akane here - or is easy to read like that. "if her sister
had been awake, Kasumi would have gone in to [oh, right, in to is two
words here] talk to her (...) it had taken the elder sister [or something]

And in the great workings that could be called Heaven, events began to
be set in motion.

"began to be set in motion" sounds a bit awkward to me - since
"setting in motion" and "begin" are kind of the same thing, just
"were set into motion" would IMO be better.

*I can't believe that they wanted ME!*, she thought. *I've gotta write
this down!* She quickly opened her desk drawer and pulled out a locked
book. Undoing the catch, she opened it to a blank page and began to
write.

Just a thought, but has Akane ever been shown to write a diary? Off
course, you can say that it had been left off-screen, but it's strikes
me as a thing that *would* be exploited for some story purpose by
Takahashi-sensei if she'd figured Akane was the type to have a diary.

I mean, really - can you really believe Akane having a diary and it
*not* being involved in a secret plot by Nabiki to try to sell it
to her fans but being discovered leading to a series of hijinx
were... er, maybe I better stop before this turns into a spamfic. ^_^;

This, and I think using a diary to show the character's thoughts
is really a rather crude device.

  perfect, Diary.  I don't want anything to spoil my
  dream--not water curses, not rival fiancees, not magic,
  and NOT RANMA!"

Oops. The ol' "challenging the gods" thing, I think. ^_^

Ranma watched from a quiet corner of the room as Akane sat with her
sisters, smiling and laughing. He'd rarely seen her so enthusiastic.
Then Akane went upstairs rather early, leaving Ranma alone, and for
some reason feeling lonely.

No comma (alone and) - or I'd read as Akane being the lonely one.

He sat quietly for a few minutes until he heard her door close.
Letting out a sigh, he then got up and headed  for the closest thing
he could call a sanctuary; the Tendos'  roof. Once he got there, the
martial artist lay down and  began to sort out some of his thoughts.

Several double spaces in this paragraph, for some reason.

Ranma understood why it was bothering him though. He'd gone too far
with his teasing this time. What made it worse was the fact that, at
the time, Ranma knew he was hurting Akane's feelings, but he went
right ahead and did it anyway.

If he realizes it in this case, you'd think he'd do the same normally.

"Riiight! Sure it was!" she replied sarcastically. "Only one problem,
we both know for a fact that the Neko-ken only suppresses your
inhibitions!"

Know for a fact, do we? I wouldn't say *either* of them are quite
so sure about that - especially Ranma, who does not even remember
his actions afterwards.

Ranma backed up and would have come close to falling off the roof but
he bumped into something. Spinning around, he stared into an old
withered face.

"Well, I don't think you want to kiss me, do you, Groom?" Cologne
said.

Considering some of Cologne's antics - try writing her as waiting
for him with puckered lips, spouting something along the lines of
"you mean you're after *me*?"

The sound of his voice had barely died when Genma found himself
sailing out the window and towards the Tendo pond. *Well, his reflexes
are okay,* was his thought just before he hit the water.

*grin*

*Oh, great?* he thought as he noticed the red coloring of her face. *I
wonder what she thinks I did this time!*

Heh.

WHACK! BASH! CRUNCH!!

Really, IMO, the onomatopoesy doesn't fit; perhaps if this was sillier
than it is, but, well, obviously it isn't...

"Ah,,,fair Aka...OOF!!" Kuno said as Ranma's and Akane's fists

,,,

*Why would they want to be in a play with Akane? She's soviolent, if
they make a mistake she'll pound them. I just don'tknow what they see

don'tknow

"A battle Royal? You're on!" Ranma replied.

Why big R?

He'd arrived home a few minutes before dinner and had just enough time
to ask his pop about who Romeo was. His response about him being from
Krypton didn't make much sense to the martial artist. He decided

Heh. Yappari Genma da. ^_^

(Though doesn't the fathers later "encourage" Ranma in the role?
That would sort-of require them to know what it is, ne?)

"I noticed," he said. "Well, thanks for the book Kasumi. This is
exactly what I needed. Good night."

No, exactly what Ranma needed was "the illustrated Romeo and Juliet
made easy, with illustrations" (or preferable the video edition
of the same). ^_^


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
...20/980...                              "Baka baka, minna baka."