Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@dougmacd.net> wrote:

   "When the hell is Pop getting home?"  There was nothing left to
watch on TV, and Ranma was getting tired.  As he lay on his side, with
his legs under the low-set dinner table, he wondered how much longer he
would he be able to avoid going to bed?  Leaning over, he hit the power

Should be a period, not a question mark; it's a statement (about Ranma's
mental state.)

   Ranma went to the corner and pulled out the futon.  He unfolded it
off to the side of the room, so he wouldn't have to worry about old man

about the old man

The Ranma/Nodoka thing was quite funny. It might use a little more
setup, though. Something to give Ranma more of a reason to jump to the
conclusion that he does.

   Like that question about dreams.  Where had that come from?  And
after dinner last night, she's had this weird smile, like she knew

she'd had

   "Were you pushed in?

   "No, I--"

   Didja jump?"

Missing quote mark.

   Akira woozily lifted an arm and said, "R- Ranma."  His head bobbed
about, and his glasses were no longer on straight.  Ranma flicked his
arm again, whipping Akira for the third time.  The strain was too much
for the collar, which ripped off of Akira's jacket, causing the taller
boy o fall on his butt.  Dark threads wisped away from the piece of

boy to fall

fabric and backing now held in Ranma's hand.

   Ranma frowned and tossed the collar aside.  He stepped over towards
Akira.

   "wait."  Akira wobbled.  "Wait.  WAIT!  Ranma!"  He covered his

"Wait," (caps)

   "So he's just pretending.  For food?"  The answer seemed to
dissapoint him.

disappoint

   Of course, Ranma would be less enthused about the idea.  Not that
he'd ever told him, of course!  He'd tried to put the moves on his
girl-half, back when he first met the martial artist, and had been shot

This makes it sound like 'the martial artist' refers to someone else.
I'd reword it, maybe as 'back when they first met'

"After school."  It was a Saturday, so it was just a half-day.  "Twelve
o'clock.  Wait, make it after lunch.  One o'clock, in the nurse's
office.  Deal?"  She held out her hand towards Akira.

Indent.

   Daisuke politely corrected him, "The creativity.  And with her
experience with drugs, I'm sure she knows about all the best
aphrodisiacs..."

Surrrre she does. That's why she's used them on Ranma so many times. :)

   Akira moved to block her view again.  "I won't need you're help with

your

   She glanced back at the photo of Ukyo.  In it, her hair was swirling
about, held back by the long white ribbon she used to keep in her hair.

used to keep in it. (we're already talking about the hair)

   The Martial Arts Dating Club of Furinkan high had not had the
opportunity to mass attack a cute girl ever since Ranma ended their
symbols of affection to Akane.  Sure, there was that brief stint when

I don't think "symbols" is the right word here.

   However, they had some reservations about the one Hiroshi was
suggesting.  One boy spoke the thoughts of the others, "But, Ranma's
a BOY!"

AND engaged. Hey, if that eliminates Akane....

   "What?"  She cowered before his intense, animalistic eyes.

   "Where...  Where is Tendo bathroom!?!"

is the Tendo

   Ukyo scraped the top of her portable grill with one of her small
spatulas, thinking about what she had just done.  Or rather, hadn't
done.  She'd known about the boy's plan.  She could have tried to stop

boys' (unless she means Hiroshi in particular)

   Thinking about it, she felt she made the right decision not to try
to stop them by herself.  The boys looked rather... fervent, and
wouldn't have taken politely to dissent.  She had no desire to fight off
a school full of boys, as Ranma was now.

Suggest 'as Ranma was doing now.'

   Ukyo couldn't help but grin.  "Well, ask whenever you're
comfortable; I won't bite."  Sayuri started to pay her for the food, but

"Smash you over the head with a spatula, maybe. Bite, no." :)

Ukyo held up her hand.  "On the house.  You seem to be my only customer,
so it's not worth unlocking the money tray.  Besides, you've been good

you've been a good

   Once again, all the girls had turned their back on her.  Or at
least, were treating her differently.  All except Sayuri.  A little
free okonomiyaki was the least of the ways to thank her.

No Konatsu in this continuity? Though not a real girl, he's certainly a
friend to her, so I'd think he'd at least cross her mind.

   "I know were still at the Tendos'.  I stayed here overnight, and

we're

   "Uh..."  Ryoga suddenly felt quite uncomfortable.  He was so sure he
was still inside the Tendo's, but Ukyo, as usual, was making uncommon

Tendos'

   "You were wearing a white and red Chinese robe, and were carrying
a white and purple cat.  You kicked me, stole my umbrella, and made me
get lost!"

If this happened while Ryoga was a pig, would he really mention it when
it could give away his secret?

"He's only twenty centimeters tall!  What could he do?"

Indent.

   "Here's your double-pork," she said, handing Akira a plate.  "Eight-

"Eight (shouldn't have a dash)

   Ukyo smiled.  "Yeah, well you're one of the good ones, Sugar."

I don't think 'sugar' should be capitalized (not a name).

   "Don't worry about it, Sayuri-chan.  I won't tell anyone."

"But I will use it against her in my schemes to break her up with
Ranma!" :)

   "Sure thing, Honey.  I'll see you there."

Again, I don't think 'honey' should be capitalized.

   She frowned at him.  "What took you so long?" she asked.

   "Had to beat up every guy in school," he muttered.

   "Never took me that long."

Heh.

   Akane hoped it was a joke.  Yeah, Ukyo wasn't into... bondage, or
anything weird like that, right?  She was a simple country girl.  Of
course, she did dress in boys clothing.  And bind her breasts.

And train in spatula-fu, and....

   "Akane?"

   "Bindage?"  The world slipped out of her mouth.

Which 'her' is this?

   "Well, she said that she wanted to be present for the questioning,
but she didn't say she had to be there before we started...  he said

Missing quote mark.

   "You won't have to worry about me showing you a picture of a boy,
and then misinterpreting a SLIGHT change in the size of you pupils as a

of your pupils

   "By putting you into a more... shall we say, feral, state of mind,
your responses will be heightened.  It's much easier to read your
responses."

   Ranma couldn't think of a good response to that.  So instead she

Too much repetition of 'response.' Suggest changing the last one to
'answer.'

   Ranma tried to sit up and get off the bed, but her head was still
strapped down.  "Th- That never happened!!!"

"That was only in the anime! It ain't canon!"

   "STUPID BOY SHUT UP OR XIAN-PU STICK BONBORI WHERE SUN DOESN'T
SHINE!!!"

Why'd she suddenly switch to the (incorrect) Chinese form of her name?
I'd stick with "Shampoo" unless there's a reason for the switch here.

   But she loved him.  The dummy.

   Ranma swallowed.  "R- Really?"

   Akane nodded.

   "Y- You know that I...  That I..."

   "I know, Ranma."  She wouldn't make her say it.  Ranma wasn't ready
yet.  At least, not to say the words.  Akane could be ready for the both
of them, for now.  "I know."

Nice. ^_^ I really liked this scene.

C&C is, of course, appreciated.  I understand that large peices like this
are difficult to work with, so I'll be happy if you can just tell me
whether you felt this episode stuck together as a whole, or felt like
discrete peices pasted together.

I think it all fit together quite well. The only problem I had was that
some of the scenes seemed a bit long. Particularly, the sequences where
Akira argues with people tended to drag. But that's the way the guy is,
so I dunno whether you can do much about it.

Looking forward to the next part!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html