The end notes are cute. There are one or two funny
pieces in the story.
My overall impression is that this is an outline for a
fanfic rather than a fanfic.
IMO you need to re-write and fill in a LOT of detail.
My comments ##:
An English Teacher's comments %%:

Please remember that all comments are IMO only. Please
take whatever you find 
helpful and ignore the rest.

Ok, I'm gonna regret this... but here is my first
complete story (or at
least
the first chapter of it). Be kind, this is my first
time posting a
story to
the list. If you're an fan of the Akane-Ranma
relationship, turning
around
now.
##I appreciate the warning.^_^

Thanks to my prereaders, and a special thanks to John
Morales, who is
being
nice enough to archive this story on his 'Romancing
the Tendos' website
at
http://home.sprintmail.com/~belgarath/ .

***

Breaking the Circle
Chapter One
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Robert Thomson

Disclaimer : The characters in this fan fiction are
the property of
Rumiko
Takahashi and the
corporations which produce and distribute her work.
Suing me for using
them
would be pointless, as I'm a poor, broke university
student.
This story is set before Ranma is reunited with his
mother and the
eventful
trip to Mount Phoenix. Also, due to a temporal anomaly
which went
unnoticed
(there must be quite a lot of these really,
considering the number
which are
noticed due to some freak occurrence), Akari and
Konatsu haven't
appeared yet.
They might appear later, I'm not sure.

        Since Principal Kuno's return from overseas,
his students had learned
to
ignore his pronouncements. This was because most of
them either
involved
coconuts or regulations regarding the length of the
students' hair, and
very
few of the others were comprehensible. The ability to
tune out his
pronouncements was an essential ability for surviving
at a school run
by a
mentally unstable, Hawaii-obsessed school
administrator with a
hair-cutting
fetish. There was one drawback. As all of the
Principal's announcements
were
ignored, the rare ones that were more than the ravings
of a clinically
insane
nut-job generally took some length of time to reach
the attention of
the
student body.

##Incredibly long, rambling and not very interesting
exposition. IMO you need
to grab the readers attention. This was very static
and not at all funny.

 So it was that the news of Furinkan High's first ever
Luau
failed to reach the students until three days before
the event.
        The uproar caused by this was only slightly
above the normal level of
chaos
associated with Furinkan(1). Girls scrambled about,
borrowing dresses
and such
while attempting to secure the few available and
socially acceptable
boys as
dates. The boys on the other hand directed all of
their energy towards
securing dates with the more attractive girls, but
ignoring matters of
appearance, such as clothing, until the last possible
moment. This
insured
that the boys appearance on the night was so awful
that their dates
forever
regret saying 'yes'. There was only one boy whose
energies were not
focused
solely on getting a date and so would be reasonable
presentable at the
Luau.
This was one Ranma Saotome.

##Two pages without really advancing the story. 
All of this could have been done in one paragraph or
less.

        Of course, this doesn't mean that Ranma didn't
have any problems with
getting
a date for the Luau.

        A massive brawl raged inside the Furinkan High
lunchroom between eight
highly
skilled martial artists. Ranma was fighting
simultaneously against
Ryouga and
Tatewaki Kuno at close quarters, while attempting to
avoid the daggers,
axes,
chains, and training potties being thrown by Mousse.
At the same time,
a
fierce conflict between Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and
Kodachi, was
occurring in
pretty much the same area as the boy's battle, with
each of the girls
occasionally lashing out at one of the guys. Simply
put, the eight
teenagers
were trying to beat each other senseless for reasons
too complicated to
explore here, although the chief reason was presently
who got to take
who to
the Luau.
##1) martial arts comedy should be described. This is
�file footage' and not
even from the original manga/anime. 
2)". . .reasons too complicated to explore here . . ."
is unfair to the reader as well as 
being uninteresting. Complicated reasons (usually
improbable ones) are the life force of
comedy. Especially Ranma.

%%Hi�as a college English instructor I find that as I
read one of the first things I wanted to know was why
are these people fighting?  Your cop-out, "for reasons
too complicated to explore here" left me frustrated. 
It is precisely those reasons that would keep me
reading. 

        The non-combatant students sat calmly at their
tables, eating their
lunches
and watching the fight from a safe distance. Nabiki's
associates (read
lackeys) mingled with the crowd, taking bets on the
fight. At one
table, four
nondescript background characters sat and ate,
chatting quietly amongst
themselves as they did so. Beside them on the bench
was a pair of bento
boxes,
temporarily abandoned by Ranma and Akane when the
fighting began.

##Stock fanfic writing. Cliched and done to death.
Still nothing to advance the story.

        "So what started it this time?" inquired
Sayuri, as she chewed on a
pickle.
"Ranma refuse to eat Akane's cooking again?"
        "No, Kuno and Ukyo came looking for dates for
some reason and things
went
down hill from there." replied Yuka. "I think Shampoo
came to deliver
some
ramen to Ranma, and Mousse followed her. Not sure
where Ryouga and
Kodachi
came from, never is with those two." 


        "Why were Ukyo and Kuno-sempai after dates? It
isn't like there is
anything
special coming up, like Valentine's Day or something."
Daisuke was
stealthily
filching food out of Ranma's bento. He figured even if
his buddy was
conscious
after the brawl, he probably wouldn't notice if some
pickles were
missing or
if there a bit less soup than there should be, and
that meant Daisuke
was free
to partake of Kasumi's cooking. 
        "It's this luau that the Principal's got
planned. The girls all want
to go
with Ranma, as usual, and the guys don't want them to,
as usual."

##boring, as usual. Again, this is stock fanfic
writing. The story has not been advanced. 
Characters have not been developed and nothing
interesting or new is going on.

Hiroshi
frowned at his friend. Why wasn't Daisuke offering him
any of Ranma's
food? He
couldn't reach the bento from where he was sitting.
        "Luau? What luau? When is it? Oh, I've got to
get a dress and a date
and is
there going to be a meal there 'cause if there isn't
then I've got to
arrange
dinner somewhere..." Yuka's babbling continued until
Sayuri interrupted
her.
        "Don't worry. It's still three days away so
you've still got plenty of
time."
        "Three days! Sayuri, I've got to find a decent
date, and you know how
hard
that is around here. The guys are all perverts or are
lusting after
Akane,
Ukyo, Shampoo, or Ranma's girl-form. I mean, who were
you planning on
going
with?"
        The young schoolgirl blinked, then started
looking nervous. "Well,
Hiroshi
here asked me to go with him."
        Daisuke sprayed the soup he had been sipping
over the table.

        *This is beginning to get repetitive,* Thought
Ranma as he dodged a
bokken
swipe aimed at his head. *Someone mentions the word
'date' and suddenly
it's
like being trying to keep Pops on a diet(2).

##Now this was funny. ^_^ You would be much better off
cutting 90% of what has
come before this.
        The news of the luau had resulted in a massive
brawl, the likes of
which were
only seen in the halls of Furinkan High about three
times each month.
Each of
the girls chasing after Ranma had arrived as expected,
followed by
their own
suitors. Oddly enough the fight hadn't begun until
Akane, in a fit of
rage,
had decided to repeatedly pound Ranma in the head
while screaming that
she
wouldn't go with him (how this topic arose Ranma
didn't know, he hadn't
even
asked her). 
##Cliche. And badly done. There are always reasons for
things that happen. And it is building
up to the reasons that are FUNNY. You are ignoring
your best chances for character/situation
development. 
The girls had jumped on Akane for attacking Ranma, and
the
guys
had jumped on Ranma for upsetting Akane. 
        *It's always the same,* thought Ranma as he
ducked a wildly arcing
ribbon and
swept Kuno's legs out from under him, with a low kick
*Ukyo, Shampoo
and
Kodachi all assume I'm going with them, Akane says she
doesn't want to
go with
me, everyone else assume I want to go with Akane, then
they start
fighting. In
the end, it doesn't matter anyway, because Pop and Mr.
Tendo make me
take
Akane any way. It's all pointless.*

##I agree with Ranma. The way he describes it, it is
pointless. And boring.
Build the situation. Give us some dramatic tension.
Give us some detail. 

        Ranma had never really had much control over
his life,
##Very few 16 year old children do have much control
over their lives. 
 having spent
most of
it following his father's instructions, focusing on
the goal of become
the
greatest martial artist ever. However it was clear to
Ranma that in
order to
excel at the Art, one had to control the path of one's
life. 
##Why? This need to be explained.

His
greatest foes
were those that followed their own courses, such as
the incorrigible
pervert
Happosai, or the wandering Ryouga and Tarou. 
##???Huh? How are they following their �own courses'.
And what does this have to
do with anything?

%%I don't understand.  Is it "bad" to follow one's own
course?

Ranma was driven to
improve his
martial skill as much as possible, and if mastering
his destiny would
help him
achieve that goal, then it was something he had to do.
##Again, Huh?
%% I have read this sentence 3 times and I'm still
confused.

 So when he came
to
realise that he was caught in an endless cycle of
recurring events, it
was not
a pleasant realisation at all.  

##fanfic cliche of sorts.  If you want to do this
please add some detail. Why are these bad things?
All of these opponents help Ranma improve his skills
as a martial artist. And no living persons life is
without strife/conflict. Recall also that a great many
of the �endless cycle of recurring events' are of
Ranma's own doing. 

        *Everything is just repeating itself. Akane
yelling at me, Shampoo
glomping
me, Ryouga attacking me, they've all done it before,
and they're most
likely
gonna do it again.* Ranma frowned as he avoided a wild
attack from
Mousse.
*It's just a vicious circle. Their actions have become
reflexes; I do
something, and they all react the same way they always
do. Wouldn't be
so bad,
except I'm caught as well, always doing the same
things, so none of us
are
getting anywhere.*
        *Only way to stop this and get control of my
life back would be to do
something different and break the cycle. But every
time I try to do
something
different, Akane gets suspicious and starts hitting
me. So I've got to
have a
good excuse for it before she finds out. However,
first I've got to
have
something different to do.* 

##The idea that Ranma is caught in an endless cycle is
not new. Then again most people spend their lives in
an �endless cycle'. OTOH Ranma's cycle is composed of
demons, princes, multiple fiances, curses, time
travel, etc. The idea that all of the characters do
the same thing every time IGNORES the fact that if
Ranma were that boring it wouldn't have had such a
huge following in Japan nor lasted so long. This is a
fanfic cliche. It is NOT born out by the original
manga/anime. It is OOC. None of which is necessarily
fatal to a story. However in this case it is not
developed in a manner that makes it either interesting
or believable.
        Ranma had managed to shift away from the
middle of the fight, towards
the
edge, and was only dodging and occasionally attacking
now. *The girls
all want
me to go to this luau with them, but I haven't even
decided if I want
to go
yet. Still if I went, and with someone other than one
of them...*
The look of concentration on his face shifted
slightly, as he focused
more on
the idea forming in his head than the fighting going
on nearby.
        *She'd have to be someone I'd like to go with

##WHY? Ranma's constant theme is that he doesn't want
ANY girls. Unless
they don't want him. ^_^
, and she'd have to be
able to
survive the other girl's attacks, otherwise she'd be
in danger. What
else
would she have to be...* Ranma's thoughts were
interrupted at this
point by
Ryouga's fist, which sent Ranma sailing out through a
Shampoo-on-bicycle
shaped hole in the wall.

        Nabiki sat quietly in the shade of a tall
tree, having avoided the
chaos
inside by going outside to eat. She was just munching
on an onigiri
when Ranma
came crashing down head first a few feet away. She
causally considered
the
young pig-tailed boy as he lay unmoving on the ground
for a few
moments, and
then asked "Akane again?"
        "No, it was Ryouga this time," Ranma's reply
was a little muffled as
he was
still face down in the dirt, but Nabiki could make out
what he'd said.
She
could also hear the tone of frustration in Ranma's
voice. "Thought
you'd be
inside, taking bets."
        "I wanted to eat my lunch first. I'm sure
Yukio and the others are
doing
alright without me." She held out an onigiri towards
him. "Want one?"
        Ranma pulled himself up, and sat in the lotus
position. Nabiki giving
something away free? There was a catch here somewhere.
Still, one of
the chief
principles of the Saotome Ryu was Never Turn Down Free
Food(3). Ranma
snatched
the stuffed rice ball from Nabiki, and ate it quickly
in a few big
bites,
nodding his thanks as he did so. 
        Nabiki nibbled on her own onigiri. "So who are
you planning on taking
to the
luau?" she asked casually.
        Ranma relaxed marginally. That was the catch.
Nabiki wanted the
information
for some reason, probably so she could sell it to
someone. It was best
to
answer truthfully.

##WHY?
        "I don't know yet. Ukyo wants me to take her,
and Shampoo and Kodachi
are
both taking it for granted that I'll take them. Your
sister on the
other hand
has made it quite clear she doesn't want to go with
me. I'm considering
not
going at all."
        "That would be a shame, I hear that Principal
Kuno's putting a lot of
effort
into the decorations, and has arranged for authentic
Hawaiian food."
Nabiki
began tidying up her bento.
        "The Principal's arranging the decorations.
Sounds like another reason
to
stay away to me." Ranma stood, stretching his legs.
        "Good point," Laughed Nabiki smiling, "Here,
I'm full," She tossed a
kaki to
him, then turned and walked towards the school
buildings. 
        *Have to thank her for this later*, He thought
as he bit into the
sweet
persimmon, *Daisuke will probably have eaten most of
my lunch by the
time I
get back.*
        *Whoever I take to the luau will have to be
able to survive the riot
the
other girls will create...* Ranma smiled as a plan
formed in his head,
*Or
they need to be someone the girls won't attack because
if they did, it
would
be much more trouble than they'd like.*
        *Nabiki sure has a nice smile.*

##An interesting idea.  Not very well executed. Spend
more time on developing the NEW
situations. Avoid cliches. Do NOT use stock fanfic
scenes. If you have a fight, detail the fights. If
there are arguments, build up to the argument. If you
have Akane/Shampoo/Ukyou/Ryouga etc get mad and bash
Ranma, build up to it. Do not just:
 "Oddly enough the fight hadn't begun until Akane, in
a fit of rage, had decided to repeatedly pound Ranma
in the head while screaming that she wouldn't go with
him (how this topic arose Ranma didn't know, he hadn't
even asked her)."

This is unsatisfying. It's OOC. It's bad writing. It
cheats the reader.  If you want to have Akane pound
Ranma into the ground, fine. If you want to have
Shampoo, Ukyou, Kodachi fight for the right to date
Ranma, go for it. Kuno, Ryouga added to the mix? No
problem. BUT, please do not recycle cliches. Move the
scene with dialogue and detailed action. 
 
Foot notes - 
(1) This should be taken as an indicator of the
natural level of chaos
present
at Furinkan High, rather than an indicator of the
readiness and
adaptability
of it's students.
(2) A dangerous task, only attempted once during the
Saotomes' stay in
Nerima.
Afterwards, Akane had her arm in a cast for a
fortnight, Soun needed 23
stitches,  and Ranma suffered from 3 broken ribs, a
concussion, a
dislocated
shoulder, and nearly needed to have two fingers sowed
back on. Genma,
on the
other hand, was unharmed and actually lost 9
kilograms.
(3) Unfortunately for Ranma, Genma misheard and
thought the principle
was
simply Never Turn Down Food. And to this day, no
matter how many times
he has
engaged Ranma before, Genma will not turn down any
amount of food.
Makes
things a little clearer, doesn't it?

##Your foot notes are funnier than the story. And more
original. I suggest you start over
and this time write the story the way you wrote the
foot notes.  IMO it will be much better.

Onigiri - Japanese rice ball, typically stuffed or
seasoned. A snack or
picnic
food.

Kaki - Japanese sweet persimmon.

***

"The combination of a number of things to make
existance worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none', meaning 'all'."
Spock and Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain",
stardate 5906.4 

Robert Thomson
Please send C&C to r_thomson1@prontomail.com

%%Robert, it seems that you have researched well and
know the series too.  However, I have to agree with ##
that it begins slowly, and the danger in that is that
you will lose your reader before you get to the
action.  You seem almost afraid to let your creativity
shine.  I sympathize.  Been there, done that.  But, as
you write more and more, you will rely on your
creativity rather than cliche.  Do not stop writing,
and do not let this kill your spirit.  Keep on keeping
on.  You'll do fine. :)

____________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com