Robert Thomson wrote:

Ok, I'm gonna regret this... but here is my first complete story (or
at least the first chapter of it). Be kind, this is my first time
posting a story to the list. If you're an fan of the Akane-Ranma
relationship, turning around now. 

I realize that this is your first fic, and as far as that goes, it's
written reasonably well.  However, it's filled with cliches.  I feel
like I've read this before, because I've seen the same characters used
in the same ways in the same plot several times.  There is nothing
different to grab my interest.  Perhaps this would not be the case,
had you written it four years ago, when there were fewer stories...
but today, it comes across as bland, through no particular fault of
yours.

I would not have finished reading this chapter, if I hadn't known it
was your first.  I won't be reading the rest of the story, if it
doesn't change by next chapter.  You need to do something to make it
stand out from the similar stories.  There are several possibilities:

1. Write really, really well.  This is the harder option, but there
are some people who can write well enough to make overused plots
interesting.  Most such fics dwell on characterization or on
atmosphere, IMO.

2. Find a unique angle.  Interpret a character in a way that we
haven't seen before.  Tell the story from a different perspective.
(Perhaps you could use Nabiki's perspective, or Akane's, here, rather
than Ranma's?)  Something to distinguish it from the other stories
like it.

3. Overdo it.  Apply -all- the cliches.  Give them new twists.  Make
the results different.  (Generally works a lot better with humor fics,
for obvious reasons...)

4. Bait and switch.  Leave most of the chapter as it is, so it looks
like a typical Ranma-Nabiki story.  Then do something completely
different at the end (which will cause your next chapter, and the rest
of the fic, to be different).  This is riskiest, in that some readers
may bail after the first few pages, but if they reach the end, and if
you do a good job with the switch, you'll see a lot of interest for
the next chapter.

Well, you get the idea.  A few specific things...

Disclaimer : The characters in this fan fiction are the property of Rumiko
Takahashi and the
corporations which produce and distribute her work. Suing me for using them

	Since Principal Kuno's return from overseas, his students had learned to
ignore his pronouncements. This was because most of them either involved

As you can see here, your line wrapping is off.  Make sure your tabs
are set to 8 spaces, and try to keep line lengths to 75 characters or
less.  (I've set emacs to auto-wrap at around 70, and a few authors I
know prefer 65.)

dates. The boys on the other hand directed all of their energy towards

boys, on the other hand, directed

securing dates with the more attractive girls, but ignoring matters of
appearance, such as clothing, until the last possible moment. This insured

They directed their energy toward ignoring matters of appearance?  I
doubt it.  Rephrase.

that the boys appearance on the night was so awful that their dates forever

boys' appearance.  Also, the luau seems to be in the future, so you
want "would be so awful" rather than "was."  Watch your tenses, there
are a few places where they don't match.

regret saying 'yes'. There was only one boy whose energies were not focused

forever would regret.

solely on getting a date and so would be reasonable presentable at the Luau.

reasonably.  I would throw in a "--" before the "and" here, too; also,
replace "so would be" with "who, therefore, would be," or otherwise
rephrase.  It sounds awkward, as is.

	A massive brawl raged inside the Furinkan High lunchroom between eight highly
skilled martial artists.

This is where the cliches really begin to pile up.  

fierce conflict between Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Kodachi, was occurring in

Drop that last comma.

pretty much the same area as the boy's battle, with each of the girls

boys'

and watching the fight from a safe distance. Nabiki's associates (read
lackeys) mingled with the crowd, taking bets on the fight. At one table, four
nondescript background characters sat and ate, chatting quietly amongst

The fourth-wall-breaking narrator could work, but if you decide to go
that route, I'd recommend really upping the humor quotient.  If it's a
silly comedy, go ahead and take it over the top.

If it's not, be careful with this bit.  You don't want your narrator
to distract too much from your narration.

	"Three days! Sayuri, I've got to find a decent date, and you know how hard
that is around here. The guys are all perverts or are lusting after Akane,
Ukyo, Shampoo, or Ranma's girl-form.

While she might say such a thing, would she really do it in the
presence of "the guys?"

And if she did, wouldn't they object?

swipe aimed at his head. *Someone mentions the word 'date' and suddenly it's
like being trying to keep Pops on a diet(2).

Need another * there...

only seen in the halls of Furinkan High about three times each month. Each of
the girls chasing after Ranma had arrived as expected, followed by their own
suitors.

Er... Ukyou and Kodachi at least don't -have- suitors (since you've
noted Konatsu isn't present in your continuity).  You might want to
rephrase.

Oddly enough the fight hadn't begun until Akane, in a fit of rage,
had decided to repeatedly pound Ranma in the head while screaming that she
wouldn't go with him (how this topic arose Ranma didn't know, he hadn't even
asked her).

That's not the sort of thing Akane's prone to do without provocation,
you know.  She probably wouldn't even be "screaming" as such unless
she and Ranma had already been arguing about something.

Essentially, -something- has to have happened prior to that... but you
haven't told us what.

different and break the cycle. But every time I try to do something
different, Akane gets suspicious and starts hitting me. 

Not at all true; try reading through some of the manga.

me to go to this luau with them, but I haven't even decided if I want to go
yet. Still if I went, and with someone other than one of them...*

This is different, all right, but why does Ranma think it would help?
Why would the girls -not- react the same way as usual?  (Of course,
this -is- Ranma... so it wouldn't be unusual that he'd overlook a
small problem like that. ^_^;)

other girls will create...* Ranma smiled as a plan formed in his head, *Or
they need to be someone the girls won't attack because if they did, it would
be much more trouble than they'd like.*

Good in theory, but I wonder how well it holds in practice?  Akane
wouldn't attack her sister.  Ukyou might not.  Kodachi... well, Nabiki
really couldn't do very much to her, unless you're using the ultra-
competent version of Nabiki so common to fanfics instead of the manga
Nabiki.  Shampoo probably wouldn't fight a noncombatant... unless she
thought Ranma was -serious-, in which case either she or Cologne could
cause serious problems for Nabiki.

(1) This should be taken as an indicator of the natural level of

If you're going to use the fourth-wall-breaking narrator, you might
want to consider ditching these endnotes and incorporating them into
the fic.

Onigiri - Japanese rice ball, typically stuffed or seasoned. A snack
or picnic food. 

Kaki - Japanese sweet persimmon.

Good call, incorporating this.

Hope this helps a bit.


Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa