On Wed, 7 Jul 1999, Lei wrote:

Finally Completed!

As is my mailbox cleaning...well, almost.  Finding out that most of it was
spam was a relief(?) to say the least.

If anything it made the loss 
seem greater than it already did, hard though that might be.

-to believe.

 Souichi turned to the doorway and forced a smile onto his 
face as his daughter, Hotaru, joined him at the balustraude.

balustraude?  Hey, a word that I don't know!  Neat.

But he didn't wear any aid to sight, he didn't 
wear the glasses that graced Souichi's face,

I think this sentence is indicative of many of the sentences that are in
this introductary scene.  You could just say 'But, he didn't wear glasses
as Souichi did'.  If you're meant to emphasize his ability rather than
appearance, you could say 'But he didn't seem to have a problem seeing as
he did not wear...'

While circumstances may change from time to time, simple is usually
better.

 The figure smiled a toothy smile.  "I am Cait Sith.  I am 
here to help you return to your wife.  You might call me

...a Cat/Mog.  You might also call me a fortune telling machine.

Yep.  Too much FF7.  But that is what I first thought when he gave his
name.

 His soft laughter hung in the air after he had cleaned up 
the mess Souichi had made and walked inside,

There's a rather...interesting connotation there.

 <She's cute.>  Ranma thought absently as he yawned and 
rubbed at the bridge of his nose as he read the file on his 
computer.  He leant back and stretched before going back to 
reading.
 So this is my next client.  Better set things up so she 
can make the call.

You have some of the thoughts in <>, and some not in <>.  I suggest you
remove them all, but either way, you should be consistant in their use.

 An unfamiliar tinkling sounded in his left ear as he 
swung his head to examine the new set up.

I think setup is one word.

 The door banged open and Urd and Belldandy dashed into 
the room with their powers blazing, prepared to take on any 
demons or hostile gods that had decided to invade their home.  

Hostile gods?  Are there hostile gods in the OMG-verse?  And later on in
this fic, the Senshi are able to sense the difference between good and
evil magic.  Why can't the Gods themselves?

 "That's okay, just warn us if you're going to be 
using magic."
 "You're going to have to get used to my magic signature 
again, huh?"
 Urd and Bell looked at each other.  "Well, yeah."
 "Gotcha.  I'll tell you, or at least try to remember to."
 "Y'know, Ranma, you were only a 'mortal' for 14 years, how 
could you forget so much in sch a short time?"

<snip>

Very dense.  Try adding some more description somewhere.

 "Good.  I'm back on the wish-granting roster, I've already 

					       ^
Period.

I've also been cleared to tell you about last night so you might 
want to sit down.

Woo hoo! ^_^

to that morning and her sisters' reactions to the news that 
someone was trying to ressurrect the mazoku.

Wait.  But when they get Xel, he seems to have been summoned, not
resurrected, since he was never dead in the first place.  Or did Lina open
up with the Laguna Blade, and he didn't remember?

 She reappeared in a small office occupied by a young 
redhead who was hanging up the phone slowly.

...slowly hanging up the phone.

In the entire year not one *good* strange thing had 
happened to her so what was the likelihood of it happening 
now?

"SURPRISE!  Happy Birthd..."

"YAGGGHHH!"

 Naru saw Ranma's eyes light up at the thought of ice 
cream and almost began relaxing.  Going out would be a good 
idea, she might be able to get away from the crazy girl in 
front of her.

Period or semicolon in front of idea.

She would therefore have to avoid all hot water till 
after the meeting.

till = until

If you're writing speech, this is okay, but not in your narrative.

Finally 
judging the bandana ready he let it go with a flick of his wrist 
and watched as it headed for Ryouga, cutting easily through the 
cloth of a sleeve as the Lost Boy tried to dodge.

...as the Lost Boy charged.

Saying that he tried to dodge implies that he was hit.

 "Shabon Spray!"  A cloud of fog burst from Mercury's 
hands to cover a large area of the park and the other Senshi 
charged in, each with their own task in mind.
 "Ranma!  Where did you go!?  How dare you run out on 
our man-to-man fight!?  Again!?"

How could you use this many exclamation marks and question marks in
consecutive sentences!?

 An orange glow illuminated one area of the fog followed 
shortly afterwards by a flash of white and electric blue.  Then 
silence until the fog began to clear.

Then, all was silent until the fog...

The way you have your sentence now states that the fog was silent
coloured, not what you meant.

Moon looked around with a mixture of disappointment and relief on her
face, she wouldn't have to fight, but nor would she get to make a
speech. 

but nor?

  And 

she'd had a good one ready.

And she already had a good one planned.

 Tuxedo Mask was frowning.  He had seen this girl somewhere 
before, somewhere...Ah!  She was the girl from the park earlier.

Not only that, but Usagi ran into her...literally.

 The expressions on the faces of all the Inner Senshi, 
except Sailor Moon, became hostile.  Neptune and Uranus 
ignored that and faced Ranma.  "You're a god?"

"Um...no?"

"THEN YOU CAN DIE!!!"

Sailor Moon looked at Ranma, with exasperation on her face.  "Ranma!  When
someone asks if you're a god, SAY YES!"

 "A guy?  I had a little accident on that last job and 
ended up with a way to make those illusions, well...real."

Illusions?  He's played dressup before?

Oh dear...

 Naru was silent digesting that.  Unless he was who he said 
he was, him and that girl whom she met earlier were in cahoots 
and they were good at reading people.  Coincidence was stacking 
up in such a way that she was seriously considering that he 
was telling the truth.  First there was his supposed mind-reading 
and repetition of what the redhead had told her.  Combined with 
that were the physical similarities between the two.  And if 
they were the same person, just inhabiting a different form, there 
was also the appearing out of nowhere and disappearing again the 
same way followed by the change of clothes.

Again, you could summarize this in a much more compact form.  I would
really suggest it.  Since I already know all of this information, this
dense block of text makes me want to skip it.

 "Look, the easiest way to sort this out would be if you 
could get me some cold water.  Then I'd be able to show you 
me and her are the same."

Reword the last sentence.

 All of a sudden things began dropping to the ground.  Plates 
shattered and salt spilt across the floor in tandem with milkshakes 
and half-melted ice cream.

And meanwhile, the store owner was in the back room looking for his sawed-
off shotgun...

 "Hey, Setsuna.  What can I do for you?"

I think Ranma-Setsuna has quickly gained as my favorite pair to read
about, and my SM experience is limited to 5 minutes of the DIC dub.  Of
course, I write to Benjamin Oliver a lot, so that could be why...

 "I'm not that bad..."
 "Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Look, I need to get in touch with 
you and your friends tomorrow anyway so I'll talk to you then, 
'kay?"

So what happens when Setsuna finds out about his past relationship with
Akane?  Is she going to get 'malleted' with a Time Staff?

 Cait Sith nodded.  "Of course.  That would be the person who 
can use the Grail.  If he is on our side, we will triumph."

Aren't there two people?

 <The picture of Mercury?  Oh man, I remember that thing.  
Mercury and his afro...he *hated* that picture.>

You said that the Senshi bore resemblence with the Gods, right?  Sailor
Mercury with an afro...

 <Oh well, it happens to us all the first time Aph asks us for 
a favour.  Venus too, for that matter.  At least it's not as likely 
to happen next time.>
 file://<That wasn't the first time, Ranma.>//
 <Oh.>
 There was silence for a few seconds.

heh

The bolt of lightening usually associated with Urd 
broke through the ceiling of the building and burnt a hole into 
the concrete where the daimon had been standing before it too had 
been hit.

Lighting shouldn't have destroyed the body, unless it was *really* high
energy.  But if that were so, then I don't think that anyone should have
survived.

 "Okay, Neptune, Pluto, I suggest you work with the Inners now 
that Uranus is out of commission.  I also suggest you find something 
to keep her alive until we get her heart crystal back.  And I'm out 
of here, I have a report to make."

And of course, the group having met him for an entire day, suddenly
decides to take his orders with absolutely no dissention.

 The Senshi looked at Miyu curiously as Ranma talked, only Mars 
showing a different emotion.  She was getting vibes from this girl 
and her companion, evil vibes.

Miyu:  Live In Concert.

The high councils obviously couldn't recognise true talent when they saw
it.

councils should be singular, unless there is more than one.

 Cait Sith supressed the urge to laugh maniacally.  He 
wasn't that sort of villian: he'd chosen to go for the cold, 
silent type back when he first decided on his course and he 
couldn't destroy his reputation now.

Heh.

 Cait Sith let go, threw his head back and laughed as he 
held the crystal aloft.

No, no, no!  You've just broken one of the laws on the List Of Things I'll
Never Do As An Evil Overlord!

 Elsewhere in the mansion heads came up at the aura of evil 
that had appeared within the building.

comma after mansion

 "Ah!  That is a secret."  

Heh.

 He felt the change and almost immediatelt after that, the 
weight of eyes on herself.  Surprisingly heavy eyes.

immediately = immediately

 Her hand sunk downwards, merging into Marller's stomach.  
Ranma jerked her hand back in shock.  The blonde's AT field 
wasn't there anymore and nor was her heart crystal.

You're bringing EVA into this as well?

-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...