On Wed, 7 Jul 1999, Donny Cheng wrote:

Hmmm...another one.  I got this just as I sent out that much delayed C&C
for your other fic.

This is my first Non-Ranma fic, so treading into unknown territory
here.  Tear it up at will.

I tried, but the monitor was too tough.

I suppose what prevented me from
standing on his side in this matter was that without these parties, I
would lose quite a bit of my opportunities to be by him.

Take a look at this sentence again.

It was also frustrating
how they give me every change in the world to steal him as if knowing I
can't.

change = chance

Sure enough it was the extra strong stuff and combined with
his weak alcohol tolerance it was inevitable.

Comma after enough

	"Yeah," he managed to croak out, "fine like an engine filled with
sugar."

That means that he'll have to be taken apart, and have each piece cleaned.
Ouch.

(No, I've never poured sugar into anyone's gas tank.  However, I have
thought about it...)

	I looked towards him sharply.  His eyes were closed again and he was
mumbling.  I guess he wasn't as sober as I thought he was.  I looked
down at his face.  It didn't look much like the face full of worries at
the start of their first year at Nekomi.  Still, your life wasn't that
bad, was it, Keiichi?  I mean, you still had friends, you grades were
passable, you had your health... and I was there.

Normally, I would point out that you've switched narrative view point in
the middle of your fic, but I think it works here.

I was counting on that and sure enough, I was
noticed by all as I answered the teacher glibly and made my way slowly
to a seat not far from the top where I entered. 

Wish that worked for me.

Distance and slowness of my walk to please the professor

How would walking slowly to her seat please the professor?

Take me out to museum?  As if.

Oh dear.

	"Uh, sorry.  I had to get up to go the bathroom," Keiichi said, bowing
with comic exaggeration.

	I frowned inwardly at the save.

I frowned outwardly.  Just how did that work again?

He's not so short when my head is down on his
shoulder like this, I found myself thinking for no particular reason as
I drifted off to sleep...

Interesting line.

offer.  "I'm probably going to go alone.  I'm a volunteer and I won't
have a chance to get a date until the last minute," I hinted not so
subtly.

	"Nah, you'll find someone to take you," Keiichi said confidently in
support.

	Stupid.

Heh.

rest of the workload on him.  The next day we found him asleep in a
spotless dancehall.  He didn't blame me for what happened and said 'told
you so' when I was mobbed by a group of guys the moment I hit the
campus.  "See?  I doubt you'll ever have a problem with finding a date
no matter how late it is."

Ha!

	"Yeah, this Belldandy is causing quite a stir.  I don't see how she can
get so much attention even when she has a boyfriend."

	"Well, when your boyfriend is someone like him..."

Oh, this is a relief!  I thought you might fall into the trap of putting
in an overly melodramatic moment where she's made up her mind to ask him
out, and finds out about Bel.

	I gazed down at him.  He was not that far removed from the pervert that
watched X rated movies that none would believe me if I were to claim he
took advantage of me in his drunken stupor.

believe = disbelieve



Overall, very nice.  Probably not the most profound thing I've ever read,
as that honor goes to Lawson's Nuku Nuku series.  Of course, that also
messed me up for a week.

Having that party scene right after the first classroom scene made me
think that you were going to switch into the present after every memory
scene.  Besides that, I don't have too much more to say, other than I
liked how you handled this.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...