C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

[...]

The idea for this fic came from a question posed to the people on the
FFIRC:  "What would have happened if Ranma REALLY kissed Akane during
the 'Romeo and Juliet' storyline?

Well, heck, you've already given us a major spoiler for the story!  ;)

[...]

We started gathering ideas on how to do it from there.  This will most
likely be a multi-part fic detailing a developing relationship between
the only confirmed couple in the Ranma 1/2 series:  Ranma and Akane.

Genma and Nodoka are *crushed* that you would say such a thing!

[...]

Chapter 1

Kasumi turned off the downstairs lights, and climbed the stairs as
quietly as she could. Everyone else in the Tendo home had gone to bed
while she finished the rest of the housework. She checked to see if
there was any light coming from under Akane's door, and sighed. If her
sister had been awake, she would have gone into talk with her about
the way she'd been fighting with Ranma. Unfortunately, it had taken
Kasumi a long time to finish cleaning up the downstairs, and Akane was
sleeping.

gram:  while she was finishing the rest of the housework
suggest:  from underneath Akane's door
suggest:  she could have gone in to talk
sp:  gone in to talk
suggest:  cleaning up downstairs

*I just wish those two would stop fighting*, she thought.

punc:  fighting,*

[...]

Kasumi shook her head sadly, and turned off the lamp. She sighed once
more, and whispered her last thought aloud: "I wish they would just
admit it..."

And in the great workings that could be called Heaven, events began to
be set in motion.

Purely as a matter of personal preference, I don't see the need to
setup alternate universes with "and now it diverged"-type lines.

More importantly, I don't see any external events (from "Heaven" or
anywhere else) effecting any changes.  Ranma and Akane appear to just
be more thoughtful this time around.

[...]

   The most wonderful thing happened today.  The Drama
   Club asked me to be in their production of Romeo and
   Juliet.  This time, it will be different.  THIS time,
   I get to be Juliet, not Romeo!  I want it to be
   perfect, Diary.  I don't want anything to spoil my
   dream--not water curses, not rival fiancees, not magic,
   and NOT RANMA!"

Heh.  She could have just said, " -- not Ranma, not Ranma, not
Ranma, and NOT RANMA"  ;)

[...]

*If only he wasn't such a jerk!* Akane thought.

The gramatically correct version would use the subjuctive:
If only he weren't such a jerk.  However, you may have
intentionally had Akane speak less formally.

Ranma watched from a quiet corner of the room as Akane sat with her
sisters, smiling and laughing. He'd rarely seen her so enthusiastic.
Then Akane went upstairs rather early, leaving Ranma alone, and for
some reason feeling lonely.

"Crap.  I'm not the center of attention.  This sucks!"

He sat quietly for a few minutes until he heard her door close.
Letting out a sigh, he then got up and headed  for the closest thing
he could call a sanctuary; the Tendos'  roof. Once he got there, the
martial artist lay down and  began to sort out some of his thoughts.

punc:  sanctuary: the Tendos'
(If you can't put a period there, don't use a semicolon.)

[...]

Ranma understood why it was bothering him though. He'd gone too far
with his teasing this time. What made it worse was the fact that, at
the time, Ranma knew he was hurting Akane's feelings, but he went
right ahead and did it anyway.

punc:  it was bothering him, though.

And that's why you're a jerk, Ranma.  :)

*Why did I do that?*, he thought, as he watched the star-filled sky.
*Why is it that I always have to insult her? She can't help it if
she's an uncute tomboy.*

punc: *Why did I do that?* he thought,

"Stupid uncute tomboy", he muttered as his eyes got heavy....

nitpick:  there are three dots in an ellipsis.  ^_^;

[...]

Ranma turned and looked at sound of the voice. He saw Akane standing
there, with an expression of hurt mixed with anger on her face. What
struck him as odd about her appearance was that she was wearing her
school uniform.

suggest: was still wearing her school uniform
(Presumably there's nothing odd about her appearance when she's wearing
it normally, right?  This was just intended to make the dream sequence
a little clearer?)

"If that's the way you feel," she continued "then why did you kiss
me?!?"

punc: she continued, "then why

I'm not sure, but I think the beginning of the second quote
should be capitalized, too.

"T..that wasn't really ME!" he stammered out as he stood up. "I was in
the Nekoken!  It was the c..c..cat!"

"Riiight! Sure it was!" she replied sarcastically. "Only one problem,
we both know for a fact that the Neko-ken only suppresses your
inhibitions!"

suggest:  one problem:  we both

Please be consistent in the use of "Nekoken" vs. "Neko-ken."

[...]

Suddenly, Akane's form began to shift. Her face contorted in an angle
impossible for a human to do without serious pain. The effect also
seemed to extend to her body and clothes. Ranma stared in shock at the
now almost unidentifiable form in front of him. After a while, the
person before him took on human form, and Ranma was able to recognize
her.

suggest:  the figure took on a recognizable human form.

"Ranma maybe kiss Shampoo then?"

punc:  Shampoo, then?

[...]

Shampoo's form shifted again, changing to Kasumi.

"Would you like to kiss me, Ranma?"

Just like kissing your mother... [ick!]

[...]

"What about me, Ranma?  I wouldn't mind if you kiss me...of course
I'll have to charge you so I keep quiet about it afterwards,"Nabiki
chimed in.

cap:  Of course
suggest:  charge you for me to keep quiet

Ranma backed up and would have come close to falling off the roof but
he bumped into something. Spinning around, he stared into an old
withered face.

punc: backed up, and
punc: off the roof, but

"Well, I don't think you want to kiss me, do you, Groom?" Cologne
said.

"How could I not see the beauty of a woman in full bloom!"

[...]

A ribbon wound around Ranma's waist, and jerked him off his feet,and
away from Cologne. He suddenly found himself much too close to
Kodachi's lips. "Will you kiss me, Ranma-sama?" she asked.

suggest: waist, jerked him off his feet, and

"No!" he replied, working his way out of the ribbon. He spun away from
her only to notice that all the girls had surrounded him, each asking,
in their own way, the same question: will you kiss me?

punc: her, only

[...]

For Ranma, the word was like an explosion. He suddenly saw three
beings standing between him and Akane. Each one looked almost exactly
like Ranma. The first one was small, almost a child. He looked like he
was mashed between great forces.

Uh, they don't sound like they're "exactly like" Ranma...
suggest:  Each one was some slightly altered copy of Ranma.

"Because I will not be forced into anything by anyone!!" the small
Ranma said defiantly.

"Except the cat pit, boy!"  [shove]

Ranma then looked at the second version of himself. This one was about
his size but looked like a half man/half woman he had once seen on a
tv show about freaks at the circus.

cap:  TV show
suggest:  about circus freaks.

"Because you deserve to be kissed by a whole man," it stated, not even
trying to keep the despair out of its voice.

Ouch!

The third Ranma was huge. He was easily twice the size of the middle
duplicate, or would have been if he wasn't sitting there with his
knees crunched up to his chest and his arms locked around his legs.
Even though he was gently rocking back and forth, Ranma could clearly
see the look on his face. Fear. The kind of fear Ranma imagined his
own face looked like whenever he saw a c...c...cat.

suggest:  He was easily twice as tall as himself.
(Compare the height to the real Ranma, not the copy, whose height
you didn't actually mention.  It's a little too indirect a measurement,
anyway.)

punc:  would have been, if
punc: to his chest, and his arms

[...]

*Well. . .that was. . .weird.  Must have been something I ate.*

nitpick:  Uh, you've got eliipses as "..." and now ". . ."
Could there be multiple authors with different writing styles
here?  ;)

I found this sequence to be just a little too, well...  Explicit,
I guess.  You're spelling things out pretty clearly, here, which
is the last thing I'd expect from Ranma or his subconscious.

Also, i'm curious as to why the fearful-Ranma is big.  Is it a
matter of the degree of his fear?  If so, why is the stubborn
Ranma so small?  ^_^;

Akane couldn't relax. She was too excited about the play. Tomorrow the
club would hold tryouts for the role of Romeo, and she wondered who
would be playing opposite her.

suggest:  couldn't relax; she was too

The director of the play had given Akane a booklet with various
costumes for Juliet, and had asked her to look them over. She sat at
her desk, chin in her hands, and imagined herself in the costumes,
acting the role of Juliet. Romeo was just a figure in a costume--a
figure without a face. Akane closed her eyes and let her imagination
take over. The figure's face became clear, and it was. . .Ranma?

suggest:  booklet with various photos/drawings of costumes for Juliet.

Is the Romeo that is just a figure in the costume also in the book,
or just her imagination?  It's not clear.

[...]

She suddenly remembered that three of those 'dozens of boys' that
wanted the role were Tatewaki Kuno, Happosai, and Hikaru Gosunkugi.
The youngest Tendo daughter shivered.

*Not one of them.  Please.*

"We're sorry, but a wish from your oldest sister is
currently being processed.  Please try again later."

[...]

Ranma slowly stirred at the sound of his father's voice. He didn't
really need this at the moment but knew that if he didn't get up, well
he'd be getting a different wake up call. A wet one.

suggest:  if he didn't get up, he'd be getting
or:  if he didn't get up...  Well, he'd

[...]

The sound of his voice had barely died when Genma found himself
sailing out the window and towards the Tendo pond. *Well, his reflexes
are okay,* was his thought just before he hit the water.

That Genma, always looking out for his son's interests, first.  [sniffle]
He's so good to that thankless boy!

[...]

Her smile faded when she sat up, and caught a glimpse of her desk. Her
completed homework sat there, along with her diary, and a little
booklet. Seeing the costume booklet caused Akane to remember the
previous
night, and her fantasy of Ranma in the Romeo costume.

Interesting that she calls it a "fantasy", rather than a "daydream".
Heh.  :)

[...]

The sound of a splash made her look out the window. A damp panda was
making his way out of the pond. Moments later, Akane saw Ranma land on
the grass near his father and start throwing a barrage of kicks and
punches at the panda. Genma was able to block most of them, however,
and launch a counterattack, only to have it be easily dodged by Ranma.

suggest:  launch a counterattack, but it was easily dodged

[...]

Following up on the opening created by that punch, Ranma grabbed his
dazed father and prepared to toss him into the pond. Suddenly, his
instincts told him that someone was watching the fight. Glancing
around, he saw a glimpse of something coming from Akane's bedroom
window. He looked up just in time to see that Akane was watching their
battle.

suggest:  opening created by the punch
punc:  his dazed father, and prepared

suggest:  Looking around, he caught a glimpse of something in Akane's
(Nothing's actually coming from the window.  Also, I'd avoid the
similar sounding glance/glimpse in the same sentence.)

The moment he saw her an image popped into his head. A image of the
two of them locked in an passionate embrace, then their lips touching
in an equally passionate kiss. Normally, this image would've created a
slight feeling of enjoyment, only to be instantly smothered by denial
that he would even WANT to kiss her.

punc: he saw her, an image
suggest:  head.  The two of them were locked ... touched

/me has no new comments on the last sentence.  ;)

[...]

As Akane left the window, Ranma didn't notice the small smile that had
formed on his lips. Unfortunately for him, he also didn't notice the
pair of wet paws grabbing his shirt until it was too late.

"Always be prepared, boy!"

Why would Akane notice her own blush, or Ranma his own smile?  Unless
they're looking into a mirror, they'd have to be especially self-
conscious to pick up on their own facial state...

[...]

Sighing, Ranma ignored Genma-panda as he admonished him for losing his
focus, and headed toward the bath. She had no intention of going to
school smelling like the pond.

Be consistent about gender pronouns with girl-type Ranma.
You use "him", "his", and "she" in the above paragraph.

Akane was sipping her tea when the now male Ranma came in and sat down
beside her. Suddenly, Akane had a terrible time holding the cup
steady, and she put it down as casually as she could.

punc:  now-male
suggest:  cup steady, so she

For one brief instant, she had seen Ranma in Romeo's costume again.

*What is the matter with me?* she thought.

If you're having problems now, it's not going to be pretty during the play! ;)

Not sure whether to be amused or angry at herself, Akane tried to
chase away the mental image of Ranma standing below her balcony, and
picked up her rice bowl.

[Scene of SD-Juliet/Akane chasing off SD-Romeo/Ranma deleted.]

[...]

Then for the second time that morning Akane distracted him. He stopped
short, chopsticks halfway to his mouth, and took a good look at her.

punc:  Then, for
punc:  that morning, Akane

*Oh, great?* he thought as he noticed the red coloring of her face. *I
wonder what she thinks I did this time!*

punc:  swap the question mark and exclamation point

Ranma mentally sighed as he returned to his meal. It took him a few
seconds to realize that his food had disappeared. He glared at his
father, who was innocently staring off in the opposite direction and
attempting to whistle. The only problem with that was since he was
still in panda-form, it came out as heavy breathing. A few seconds
later, Genma-panda turned to his son and held up a sign.

suggest:  Of course, since he was still in panda form, it just

[...]

*This,* he thought as he got up and went to check his bookbag, *is
going to be a loooong day.*

sp:  book bag
(I spell this wrong every single time...)

Akane had finished her breakfast a few minutes after Ranma had left.
She was starting to get up when Kasumi stopped her.

gram:  Akane finished her breakfast

"Are you feeling well, Akane?"

"I'm fine, Sis," she curtly replied. "Excuse me, I have to get ready."

"Are you sure?" Kasumi said. "You look rather flushed. Let me check
and see if you're running a fever."

Akane's face became several shades redder.

"I SAID I'M JUST FINE!" she yelled.

Heh.  :D

"DON'T BABY ME!"

Geez, that's like kicking a puppy, Akane!

[...]

>From then on the rest of the day went just like usual, with a few
exceptions. First of all, Ranma and Akane didn't speak to each other
at all. Secondly, Ranma was staring at Akane more but trying not to
let her know it. Finally, Akane was staring at Ranma more but also not
wanting to let him  know about it.

punc:  then on, the rest
suggest:  with few exceptions.
suggest:  Akane was staring at Ranma, herself, but didn't want him to
know about it, either.

Needless to say, the other students soon became witnesses to the first
Martial arts 'staring without getting caught' contest, some of them
wondering who would win while the others wondered who would get
whiplash first from all the head movements. Finally though, the time
for the tryouts came, without either one of them getting caught by the
other.

My bet's on Akane winning.  She doesn't have a pigtail that might still
still be whipping around after she quickly returns to the eyes-forward
ready position.  :)

[...]

The first thing Akane noticed when she got to the audition  was that
there were a lot of male students there. She overheard  them reading
various parts of the play aloud. Akane's spirits started to rise
higher when she realized that most of them were reading Romeo's lines.

*There sure are a lot of people trying for Romeo*, she thought. *Maybe
one of.....* The rest of her thoughts were interrupted suddenly when
some of the male students began to be tossed around.

What is Akane thinking, here?  Based off her past experiences, I'd
assume that she *wouldn't* want all the boys trying out.  It's rather
reminiscent of when they were all attacking her.  Now it's the same
thing, but they want her in the platy, if they can't date her.

"Away, vermin! None of you are worthy to be Romeo!! Only I, Tatewaki
Kuno, am worthy to be the fair Akane's Romeo!"

suggest: None of  you are meet to be Romeo!!
(Avoid repeated "worthy".)

As she watched him tear through the assembled boys, Akane's spirit
started to plummet.

It hesitated slightly, when something hit Kuno so hard that he fell
over flat onto his back. The hesitation was short, however, when she
realized what had hit him.

suggest:  It's descent slowed slightly, when
(How does one hesitate during a plummet?)

"No way! I'm going to be Juliet's main squeeze!" Happosai shouted.

Emphasis on the squeeze...

[...]

Happosai's words were cut off when a foot embedded itself right square
in his face.

suggest: square in his face
or:  right in his face
(Not both)

*Thank goodness*, Akane thought.

punc:  goodness,*

"Hey Director," Ranma called out, his foot still placed firmly on
Happi's face, pinning the old hentai to the ground. "You let old
geezers like this try out?"

punc: Hey, Director

[...]

"You really got him this time did you?" Happosai said as he perched
upon Kuno's shoulder.

punc:  this time, did you?

[...]

Despite the punishment Happosai had given Kuno, his singleminded
ambition to be Romeo was still motivating him. He raised his head, and
looked directly at Ranma.

sp:  single-minded
gram:  ambition to be Romeo still motivated him.

[...]

"Ah,,,fair Aka...OOF!!" Kuno said as Ranma's and Akane's fists
connected with his stomach simultaneously.

I think those commas are supposed to be periods.

[...]

15 minutes later....

sp:  Fifteen
(Always spell out small numbers.  More importantly, never
start a sentence with any number unless it's spelled out.)

[...]

Irritably, she glanced up at one of the higher branches of the tree
where the balcony had been placed and scowled. There, she saw a very
bruised Ranma eating some crackers.

Ranma soon noticed that she was staring at him.

"Want some?" he asked.

"Idiot" Akane muttered as she turned her attention back to the
tryouts...

Hey, he was only trying to be nice.  ;)

[...]

*Why would they want to be in a play with Akane? She's soviolent, if
they make a mistake she'll pound them. I just don'tknow what they see
in that uncute girl.*

space:  She's so violent
punc:  make a mistake, she'll pound
space: I just don't know

[...]

There had been moments where he had thought she was cute. However,
each time it happened, either he would chalk it up to him being sick
or one of them would do something to mess it up. Or more accurately,
he would do something to mess it up. Suddenly, the words the third
Ranma said played through his mind.

To be fair to poor Ranma, the time he complimented her hair,
she shoved him off into the canal.  ^_^;

[...]

Ranma pushed his thoughts aside, and looked down from his perch. The
director had finally brought the group to some semblance of order, and
was having the students do brief readings from the play.

suggest:  pushed the thoughts aside
(Hopefully he didn't push *all* thoughts aside...)

The group of Romeo-wannabees had dwindled considerably. Most of them
decided it would be much healthier to leave than try to compete with
Kuno, Happi or possibly Ranma. Of those that remained, some of the
boys found themselves completely tongue-tied when it was their turn to
read, mostly due to the glares from Kuno and Happosai. Others, once
they got near to Akane and realized they were supposed to read
romantic lines to her, just went to pieces. Soon the only ones yet to
read were Kuno, Happosai and Gosunkugi.

sp:  wannabe

To everyone's amazement, the voodoo priest wannabee had stuck it out.
Well, to the amazement of everyone who noticed him, that is.

sp: wannabe
(Don't use that word too much.)

Hikaru was ready to begin reading, when he was roughly pushed aside.

suggest:  when someone roughly pushed him aside
(Avoid the passive voice.)

[...]

Kuno stood straight, held out his book, and began to recite. It didn't
surprise anyone that he was letter-perfect. After all, he spoke as
though he was in a Shakespeare play every day of his life. The only
problem was that he was reading the wrong part, from the wrong play,
and it wasn't even written by Shakespeare.

It was Sir Francis Bacon...

[...]

Kuno grabbed Happosai by his shirt.

"You dare befoul the immortal words of Shakespeare?"

Before he could continue. Happosai had flung him up into the tree,
where he narrowly missed landing on Ranma.

By this time, the director had picked himself up, and was bewailing
his bad luck.

"This is terrible!  How can we find a Romeo this way?"

He flung down his copy of the play, and softly muttered another
complaint.

"Now our poor students will never get to enjoy that invitation to see
China."

Ranma's eyes went wide.

*See China?!?*

I think you have too many paragraph breaks in here.

Images of him taking various transports back to the country that
lodged perhaps the only known cure to his curse, flooded his mind. No
matter how he went, it all ended the same. Him at Jusenkyo and bathing
in the spring of the drown man. Then the image shifted, showing him
returning to Nerima, a full man and holding Akane in his arms....

sp:  drowned man

[...]

Just as the battle was winding down, Akane saw Gosunkugi  shout, "STOP
THE MADNESS!"

Verily, the voice of reason.  :j

[...]

"Huh?" Ranma replied casually, the spike still trapped between two of
his fingers.

Despite the casualness in his voice, Gos could see the anger in
Ranma's eyes.

Anger?  I would think it's more disdain.

"Ahh...I-I mean, since this is a play," he stammered out, hoping to
distract Ranma from doing very grevious bodily harm to him. By now,
Ranma had broken the wooden spike in two, and grabbed Gos by the
shirt. The look on his face said simply: YOU'RE NEXT!

"We should settle this on the stage."

suggest:  since this is a play..."
and:  "..We should settle this

[...]

Akane couldn't believe it! In mere minutes, her dream of  playing
Juliet was turning into a nightmare! All because of that stupid
pervert! Rolling up her script, she leaped down from the balcony and
swatted Ranma with it.

What, it wasn't a nightmare before, when it was just Kuno, Happosai,
and Gos?  ;)

"IDIOT!" she screamed as she felt the tears well up in her eyes.
"We're supposed to be doing a play, not a massacre!!

sp:  mascara
(Whisles innocently...)

[...]

That evening after dinner, Ranma quietly crept into the kitchen. He
noticed that Kasumi was still washing the evening dishes so he decided
to wait until she was finished before he would bother her.

suggest: washing the dishes

He'd arrived home a few minutes before dinner and had just enough time
to ask his pop about who Romeo was. His response about him being from
Krypton didn't make much sense to the martial artist. He decided
afterwards that it might be a good idea to ask someone else about it.
Almost instantly he ruled out asking Soun, the question would have
brought on a torrent of tears about how his daughter's fiance wanted
to be in the play. He thought about asking Nabiki but realized that he
probably couldn't afford the money she'd charge him for the
information. That left either Akane or Kasumi but the way Akane glared
at him during dinner pretty much ruled her out.

I don't really buy into the idea that Nabiki would charge Ranma for
that information.  She normally charges for services, right?  Or
merchandise?

Maybe he's more worried that she'd make fun of his for not already
knowing.

"This is a copy of the play. When Akane told me what happened, I got
this out of my room."

What is "what happened"?  The fiasco at the casting call, or that
Akane was going to be Akane?

[...]

"The last time I checked on her she was still a little angry," she
responded.

punc:  check on her, she was

"I noticed," he said. "Well, thanks for the book Kasumi. This is
exactly what I needed. Good night."

punc:  book, Kasumi

[...]

A few minutes later, the book flew across the room, and hit the wall.

I get the impression that it was thrown in anger, rather then in
fear, but I think it's supposed to be the latter.



Well, I like the premise, but I'm too sure about the presentation,
yet.  There's a lot of Akane and Ranma thinking about each other
and blushing their heads off, which seems a little alien to me.

And if Akane is really thinking that way about Ranma, why is she
so upset that he's going to "ruin" the play?  I'd think she'd be
more worried about how she might react to him in the play, or be
worried that (once again) he'd shatter her romantic daydreams about
him.

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"