David Johnston <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

He was built like a brick wall.  Clever observers could tell 
the difference since walls don't wear Rayban shades or 
ascots.  For that matter, they don't open gold cigarette 
cases, and light one up.

You're in past tense here, so I believe that that should be 'didn't'
rather than 'don't,' both times.

Nabiki sneered a little at the clowning of the bookend boys 
and turned her attention to the hulk now scanning the 
schoolyard with what looked like a very expensive compact 
video camera.  Her nose twitched.  That fellow smelled like 
easy money.  

He scanned the yard, dwelling lovingly on the tree that 
someone had turned into a stump, the pedestal which seemed 
to be short a statue, and the rather clumsily repaired 
exterior wall surrounding the yard.  

"Looking for something in particular?

End quote.

The frequent POV shifting in this scene is a bit jarring. It might read
better if you cut down on this somewhat; maybe even do it entirely from
movie man's POV.

His voice was like rusty metal as he said, "Oh I've got an 
excellent reason."

She smiled.  "Why don't you tell me about it?  Who knows, I 
might be of some service.

End quote.

Interesting beginning....


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html