-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Johnston <matt2518@gladstone.uoregon.edu>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: 04 July 1999 10:21
Subject: [FFML] [Orig]It's A Rainy Day Sunshine Girl -- Episode 05

Feel free to go to http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~matt2518/
There, you'll find episodes of this and my other fanfic series, 
the well-received "Boku No Marie: Music-Box Angel".

<snip!>

    "I never thought I'd see you again," Caravan remarked, as 
much to the dustpan as to Kenji.  She wiped a trace of sweat from 
her forehead, making sure not to let her soapy hand touch.  "I 
figured the dust bunnies had captured you."
    "My room wasn't that bad."  He checked his watch.  "Or maybe 
it is."

Feh, Kenji has nothing on my room. Wait a sec, why am I 
arguing over *that*?

    "You know, you've still got a ways to go here."

Got a ways to go? Is it an expression I haven't heard or a typo? 

    "I know."  She was still throwing her words heavy.
    "Do you want me to--"
    "No."  The statement landed like a brick on his pride.
    "Fine, work alone!"
    "I will."  She didn't seem to be returning his sudden anger, 
which only fueled the fire in his belly.

Suggestion only: that you make who's speaking a bit more clearer. 
It took a couple of read-through's for me to get it. I don't know 
about other readers though.

    "Good!"  A pause, then, "what?"

If it's a new sentence, shouldn't it be "What?" or is that 
deliberately lower-case?

    "Sure you do... uh-oh."  The pair's momentum held them 
teetering on Kenji's left heel just long enough to allow her the 
final words.  After she uttered them, Kenji came crashing down, 
still clutching Caravan's wrist.  As he hit the floor, she landed 
atop him, her body touching his at every point save one.

Uh-oh.
Trouble.
I love it.

    "Oops."  A bead of sweat moved from her lips to his, for it 
had less than it's full length to travel between.

than its full length

    At that moment, Kenji had closed his eyes.  When he felt the 
drop touch his lips, he lost touch with reality.  Five hundred 
fantasies entered through that droplet into his brain, swarming 
about a thousand inspired ideas.  As the bead they shared became 
only his, the moment faded, and the thought disappeared with it.

A very well described moment, IMO.

    "Right right nothing.  Nothing.  Right."  Caravan stood.  
"well, since it was nothing and nothing happened and we did 
nothing..."

Oh, yes, nothing, Caravan, nothing. You're just practising 
saying the word 'nothing' because you want to make sure you've got 
its pronunciation down just right. 

    "Don't even start, Caravan."  Kenji tried to avoid eye-
contact.
    "Do you want me to tell you how boys and girls are different, 
Kenji?"
    "Shut up."
    "Okay honey," she replied cheerily.
    From his room: "SHUDDUP!"

^_^

    "I didn't mean to do it, whatever it was."  He glanced at 

Ah, I've said that phrase often enough. ^_^;

    Kenji's knees nearly buckled.  His stomach cramped, churning 
empty with acid.  He felt at once cold and on fire.

Oh, yeah, I like this description. I can just imagine what Kenji's 
going through.  

    Kenji flushed with the beginnings of anger.
    "It's not too surprising, really.  One forgets what one 
doesn't wish to remember.  Isn't that true, Ichiro?"
    "Quite," Ichiro acknowledged, not bothering to look up from 
the computer's screen.  "What's your name again?"

Wa-ha! What a comeback! :) Good on ya, Ichiro!

    "Yes, ma'am," three  of the four boys replied respectfully.  
Masao chuckled, but said nothing.

An extra space between "three" and "of"

    "I wonder who Tanako's talking to," Katsu remarked casually.  

"I wonder who Tanako's talking to?"

    She stopped there as the universe collapsed around her.  The 
bat was all she could sense.  She could smell it, feel it in her 
palms, though she had only lifted it once.  She could hear it's 
heart beat, synchronized with Kenji's and her own.

She could hear its heartbeat

    "I know."  Tanako thought momentarily about Masao, but 
somehow his face seems hard to capture at the moment.
    "He's why I want to be a journalist."

Curioser and curioser...

    "Huh?  Oh, sure.  If a musician and an actor can, why not a 
journalist and a writer."  The words were practiced, and spoken 
with a memorized vacancy.

why not a journalist and writer?"

"one of his English bands...":  A rather vague reference to the 
band I listen to when I write -- Yes.

<nosy> Which band? </nosy>

Another accomplished, enjoyable episode with some lovely 
descriptive bits, a funky flashback sequence and lots of 
complications being piled on top of one another. Looking 
forward to the next part. Can't wait to see what other twists 
you've got planned and finding out more about Tanako. 
Her character intrigues me...

~Kayu-chan
~I can't believe I said 'funky'.

"What the world needs is more genuises with humility. 
There are so few of us left." -- Oscar Wilde.