Yeah, first fanfic.  Be gruesome, I mean gentle.

Those foolish enough to wield the pen are not exempt from being
stabbed with it.

�speech�
(thoughts)
*sound effects*
<panda signs>
{other languages}

You forgot one... 

::goddamn unnecessary punctuation keys::

We know that � + � = 1, but do two halves make for one happy

marriage?

Boy, do I ever have a sinking feeling after seeing that...

Genma, you had better not sell my daughter!

<snort> Well, at least we have consistent characterization so far...

Genma was trying to console Soun.  Soun�s wife had just died and he

was

bawling his eyes out.  An understandable reaction, except that she

died

a week before and Soun still showed no indication of stopping.  He
looked rough, dark circles around his eyes, messed up hair, and a

bottle

of sake beside him.  Strangely enough, the house was spotless in
comparison.

Tendou Soun *is* Pigpen!

�Yes.  Your daughters need you.  They aren�t taking this very good

Atrocious grammar alert: should be 'very well'. Come on, you should
have learned this in grade school.  >_<

Young Kasumi walked in.  She looked as exhausted as Soun and was
wearing an apron that was too big for her, it was nearly a dress

itself,

that was very dirty.

More grammar problems here: terrible sentence structure. You're
trying to cram two separate notions into one sentence, and doing it
in a way that creates an ugly bastard of a run-on sentence...pardon
me, that's not the most technically correct term for what this
sentence is, but it's the only one that comes to mind at the moment
that doesn't involve four-letter words. 

Try this instead:

"Young Kasumi walked in. She looked as exhausted as Soun. The apron
she wore was much too big for her, hanging almost as though it were a
dress itself; it was utterly filthy."

There, you have the major points of the sentence: Kasumi's exhausted,
she's wearing an apron that's too big for her, and the apron is
dirty. Except now they're arranged in a comprehensible order, in a
grammatically correct (if still, admittedly, somewhat unwieldy)
sentence, and with a bit of narrative spice thrown in to actually
make it worth the effort of reading.

�Father, I think you should talk to Nabiki.  She hasn�t come out of

her

room in days.  I don�t think she is eating well.�  she said tiredly.
Soun�s eyes widen in shock as he looks at her.

Watch your verb tenses. Don't switch from past tense to present tense
in the middle of the passage. If you intend to write in past tense,
stick to past tense. 

Soun looked at Genma.  �Old friend, could you go see Akane?  I have
neglected my own daughters in my grief.  I must see to Nabiki.�  His
eyes start to water as he turns back to Kasumi.  �Kasumi dear, go

lay

down for a while.  If you can�t sleep let me know and I�ll call Dr.
Tofu.�

Much less in the middle of the paragraph. Again, pick a verb tense
and stick to it. Preferably the past tense.

Genma went out to the dojo to find Akane.  This wasn�t amazing
deductive reasoning, he could hear a variety of kyai�s coming from

that

kiai; however, in the context of this sentence, and the way in which
the word is intended to be used, I recommend not trying to show off
your knowledge here; you can't pluralize this word. Replace "kyai's"
with "yells", and possibly indicators of other sounds. Sounds of
pain, perhaps, or maybe the clattering of the boards she's
ineffectually trying to break in the next few sentences.

direction.  He entered the dojo to find that Akane had set up two

cinder

blocks and had short planks laying on top.  Akane looked up at him. 

She

lying on top

Akane positioned herself in front of the board.  Determined to do

her

very best she struck down with all of her strength and a loud kyai. 

As

kiai

a result she nearly broke her hand.

Genma adjusted her stance.  �Well, for starters you need to move

like

Need a comma after 'for starters'.

 �Kyai!�  Akane brought her arm down with a mighty blow that totally

Oh, and when expressing a kiai as dialogue, it usually goes something
like this:

"KYAAAAAAA!!!"

See the difference? Martial artists are (usually) not Pokemon. The
word 'kiai', which expresses the focusing yell, and the actual
focusing yell, don't necessarily sound alike. 

Soun was not a happy man.  He had talked to his daughter, but

instead

of the heart to heart that makes both feel better Nabiki had just

'heart-to-heart' should be hyphenated here, like so.

ignored him.  He felt his world falling apart, and didn�t know how

to

put it back together again.  Still, it couldn�t be considered a

total

failure, he had convinced her to start eating again.  Although, the
amount of persuasion it took..., he shook his head and looked

around.

Okay...I am not going to lecture you about the evils of ellipses,
because while I know that in terms of sheer grammar, they have no
place, I happen to be one of those who appreciates the effectiveness
of a well-placed ellipsis in any text.

However, I will point this out: you do not, ever, under any
circumstances, follow an ellipsis with a comma. If you're going to
trail off using an ellipsis, then trail off, use no further
punctuation after the ellipses, and start a new sentence with the
next word.

�I�m sorry father, but the bed was dirty and we need clean clothes

and

I can�t sleep until this is finished.�  She looked up at him.  His

heart

wrenched to see her in that condition, his little girl was not well.

This is a problem you have throughout this demon, but I'm going to
point it out here only. You have a lot of minor run-on sentences
going on here, caused by your seeming inability to determine that you
at least need to use a semicolon here and there. In the last sentence
of the above paragraph, you need a semicolon after 'condition', or
alternately, you could end that sentence there, and 'His little girl
was not well.' could be a separate sentence. A comma alone does not
suffice here. It creates a run-on sentence, which is something you
really want to avoid.

Soun walked fast through the house.  He had to find something else

to

think about.  [Wait, where is Genma and Akane?]  Soun paused to

listen.

where *are* Genma and Akane...

Soun lead Tofu into the living room and then headed to Kasumi�s

room.

He knocked softly and entered.  �Kasumi?  Dr. Tofu is here,� he said
quietly.  Soun looked around.  The room was noticeably more

organized.

Kasumi had apparently been sitting on the bed and was standing when

he

saw her.

That last sentence makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

�Come on now Kasumi, you should at least meet him.�

She should at least *meet* him?

Hold the bean curd here.

Tofu is the Tendou family doctor. He's been with them presumably ever
since opening his clinic, although we have no way of knowing how long
he's been in practice. It is assumed, though, that he was their
doctor when Soun's wife died. Now, at this point in time, Kasumi is
what, nine years old? Don't you suppose she would have met the family
doctor by now?

Or maybe you mean 'meet' in a less literal sense, I don't know. I
think that a different word would be more suitable here, though.

<snip the entire sake drinking scene, especially the tail end of it>

Something unsettled me about the last part of that scene. It was
going so well until the out-of-left-field conversation about some
conjured-up characters. That really didn't fit the flow of this scene
very well, but maybe it's just me.

The house settled into a routine, as houses often do.  Soun would

help

Kasumi make breakfast, and then send his daughters off to school. 

Genma

had long since went back to his own home, but would occasionally

come

had long since *gone*...

<snippage>

�Not now dear.  Can�t you see I�m talking to your big sister?�

Nodoka

replied, slightly irritated.  �Go tell your Father, I�m sure he�d

love

to know.�

Errr....

Sorry, but even knowing that Nodoka is against women learning the
Art, I have trouble accepting this characterization of her. I think
she would probably be more likely to smile at Akane and say 'Why
don't you go back out to the dojo, and I'll come see as soon as I'm
done talking to your big sister.'

Akane sniffed, � �S not fair.  Why?  Grrr.�  Akane turned and

smashed

her fist through a doorframe.  She stood there for a minute, not

seeing

the damage she had caused.  Then she blinked and looked around

guiltily

before removing her fist and running out to the dojo.
Nodoka walked out into the room and looked sadly at the broken

boards.

�Poor girl, I guess we have been neglecting her.�

Naw, y'think?

<el razor>

They both got up and went to answer the door.  Soun was not

surprised

to see his friend wearing a backpack and traveling clothes, and his
friend�s son in similar attire, but the rather nervous expression on

his

face was not expected.  Soun surmised that it was due to the

presence of

his wife in a formal kimono with an unwrapped katana on her back and

a

folder in her hands.  Ranma did not look happy, but neither did

Nodoka.

Should be a wrapped katana. Even with the insanity levels of the
series, and the number of people we see walking around carrying all
manner of implements of destruction on their person in plain view,
Nodoka is, one would assume, a law-abiding individual. In Japan, you
don't walk around on the street with a weapon in plain sight. You end
up getting arrested. (As opposed to America, where depending on a
number of factors, you are either ignored, arrested, beaten by the
police and arrested, shot by the police and arrested after medical
treatment, or shot by a random passerby.)

There was a lack of a local stream, but that had thoughtfully been
remedied by a drinking fountain a mile back toward the road.  None

of

them commented on the fountain, things like drinking fountains in

the

middle of nowhere, without even a trail to it, fell under things

they

didn�t want to know.  They did feel lucky that they had found it.

Hell, they should be *expecting* it. This *is* Japan. The country
where you can climb a hill in the middle of freaking nowhere and find
a vending machine at the summit. 

Actually, they *should* be surprised to find a drinking
fountain...free water in the middle of the woods? Inconceivable.

Ranma considered that, but shook his head.  �I might could make it,

but

you couldn�t hold me up.�
Akane got angry.  �Why not?�
�Cause you�re a girl, and girls are to weak to do stuff like that.�
*Smack*  Akane pulled her fist back from where it had hit Ranma

over

the head and drove him to the ground.
�I can so!� she said angrily.  �I�m stronger than you are!�
Ranma held a hand to his head and glared at her.  �Why�d you hit

me?�

�Cause you called me weak!  Now lemme give you a hand.�  Akane
retorted.

Heh.

<much snippage>

Now, I have to admit, the remainder of this piece looked pretty good.
And this concept is fairly original; Ranma and Akane deciding to run
off as children, thinking their families had sold them into
slavery....lots of directions for that to go. The scene between Ranma
and Akane, BTW, is very cute. All of it. 

The first half of this thing needs work, but if you can get it
looking like the last part of it, more power to you. I wouldn't half
mind seeing how this one turns out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
-The Eternal Lost Lurker
(the 666th Pokemon)

"Chikushou...omae wa...bakemono...."
"Bakemono? Che....ore wa akuma da,"
-------------------------------------------------------------------