Please don't kill me for this...it is selected scenes, if 
destiny chose the wrong guy after Episode One...





Star wars ain't mine... Lord knows, if it was, I'd do 
everything I could to make money off it, though. Since
it isn't, and this is just aimed at making people laugh,
PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, MR. LUCAS, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN
(unless you ask nicely, FFML people)






                    DARTH JAR-JAR
                          or
         How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love
                    The Dark Side




Part IV: A New Dope
     
     ...The man confronting Princess Leia was positively huge. 
At over six feet tall, his armored bulk towered quite 
menacingly. His helmet was custom designed, to fit around his
positively superhuman probiscus. He was absolutely terrifying.
     Until he spoke, that is.
     "Misa say, don't worry, princess! Ya know how ta make 
yousen talk!" The squeal simply destroyed any dramatic effect
the deep breathing had. "Misa gotta 'Terrigator droid. Yousa
gonna tell us where da plans are, Ya?"
     At this point, he waved a hand dramatically. His hand
accidentally hit the wrong switch, causing the Interrogator
droid to start careening wildly from wall to wall. Electrical
flares jolted out, shocking many of the stormtroopers who waited
for their Lord to leave the cell. Darth Jar-Jar, himself, was
zapped no less than seven times...


Part V: The Dumbpire Strikes Back

     "Donchu worry! Misa you fadda, Luke!"
     "NOOOOO!!!!!" screamed Luke, totally disgusted that he 
could be related to this idiot in any way. One of his wild 
swings actually knocked the lightsaber out of the hands of the
Dumb Lord of the Sith.
     "Oops!" Darth Jar-Jar chased the lightsaber, which bounced 
around, cutting off Luke's hand as he scrambled for it. The Dark Jedi
also accidentally knocked the confused Jedi into a ventilation tube, 
and seven steps later, still fumbling for his errant lightsaber, 
bumped into Han Solo, knocking him into the Carbonite freezing chamber.
Eventually, he recovered his saber. "Hey, where be ever'body? I got 
misa sword!"


Part VI: Return of the Jar-Jar

     Darth Jar-Jar looked back and forth from the Emporer, to
Luke, his son - or rather, the son of the guy who was trained
by the student of the first Jedi he met. It was either one or
the other. The Emporer was toasting Luke quite well, and the boy
would likely not last more than a few more minutes.
     Turning to walk away, Jar-Jar slipped on a bannanna peel,
the remains of his last meal. Not only did his still-activated
lightsaber fall down into the reactor, piercing the shielding 
and starting a chain reaction, but he knocked the Emporer in,
as well. "Oops! I mean, misa meant ta do dat!"


If you masochists want any more of this, tell me what DV scene 
you want to see Darth Jar Jar screw up, and maybe I can send it 
to you privately.


- Valandar the Red
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