-- 
SPOILER ALERT - the following fanfiction contains a great many
spoilers. It is strongly suggested that you avoid reading this fic until
you have seen the entire series. 
-- 
This fan fiction is adapted from Neon Genesis Evangelion, produced by 
Gainax. All characters herein are the sole property of Gainax, and no 
claim on them is made by this author; etc. etc. 
-- 


Therapy and Chocolate Cake
by Chris Burke
--

 Shinji's eyes opened. He glanced over at the alarm clock. Four in
the morning. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, barely
visible in the darkness, and forced himself to remember. It was clear in
his mind. A moment passed. He waited for the sensation of fading memory,
but it did not come.

 For months he had the recurring dream, but could never remember the
details for more than a moment once he had awakened. Now he forced
himself to keep it in the forefront of his mind to prevent the memory
from slipping away. Letting his feet move him, he got off the bed and
went to his desk. He turned the lamp on, grabbed a piece of paper and a
pencil, and began to write.

--

 Shinji and Rei stood before of one of the huge grey doors between
tunnels in the labrynthine NERV complex.
 
 Shinji stood next to her expectantly. She reached out and tapped a
button on the control pad. The door slid open, revealing a small break
room. "Come, Ikari-kun," Rei said.

 Rei entered the room, with Shinji just behind her. She went to the
refrigerator, opened it, and removed a cake dish. She set the cake down
on the small table, and sat down on one of the two folding chairs.
"Would you have some cake with me?"

 Shinji nodded. He opened the drawer by the sink, and got a knife and
two forks. In a cabinet he found paper plates. He set the plates and
silverware down on the table, along with, for some reason he couldn't
explain, his NERV ID badge. He took the lid off of the cake -- two layer
chocolate with chocolate frosting -- and cut a slice for Rei.

 He set the slice down on her plate. "Is this big enough?" he asked,
but she wasn't paying attention. She was staring at his badge. "What is
it, Ayanami?"

 Rei looked up at him. "I wish..." She looked away. She seemed to
concentrate to look for the correct words. Slowly, deliberately, she
began again. "Sometimes I think it would be better if you did not have
an ID badge."

 Shinji smiled, though Rei didn't see it. He cut himself a slice of
cake.

 "I understand, Ayanami." He sat down at the table, and grabbed a
fork. "Sometimes I wish I didn't have one either. It would mean I could
avoid a lot of pain." Shinji sighed. "But I know I can't do that. I need
this badge."

 "Why?"

 "It's... It's like the only thing that makes me special. It lets me in
the door. Without the badge, I wouldn't be worth anything. I could live,
but what for? I'd be alive, but I'd have no purpose." He took a bite of
cake.

 Rei nodded, with a distant look in her eyes. "Having a purpose...
Yes, I understand." Her eyes focused again, on him. "But surely you are
special, for some other reason."

 Shinji shook his head, not answering because his mouth was full.

 "I think you are special, Ikari-kun."

 Shinji swallowed. "Thank you, Ayanami. But if I hadn't come to NERV,
I would never have met you. If I didn't stay, I never would have gotten
to know you." He waved his fork. "It's all because of this that I have
any value at all."

 Rei frowned. "No value... Can that be true? I know that I... but for
you as well? Is that why you pilot Eva -- to have value?"

 "I think so. At least, piloting Eva gives me a purpose, and I want
that. That may not be the only reason." He stopped, thinking about what
he would say next, while taking another bite of cake.

 "Commander Ikari," Rei said, nodding.

 "My father..." Shinji frowned, looking away. "I thought I wanted his
praise, and that was what I piloted for. Now, I don't know... I keep
looking for a reason to justify what I'm doing, but in the end I don't
know why..."

 Rei nodded, but didn't answer. She looked thoughtful. "Then you
should keep the badge, until you know."

 "One thing I do know," Shinji began. Rei looked up at him. "One
thing I know is that at the beginning, I piloted Eva for you."

 "For me?" Rei asked, the blush forming on her cheeks contrasting the
flatness of her voice. 

 "Yes... I wanted to protect you. Nothing else. I couldn't let my
father make you fight, when you were in so much pain. I..." He stopped,
and clenched his fist. 

 "Do you still want to protect me?" she asked.

 Shinji nodded. "But I know I can't, not how I want. You need to
pilot Eva as well. You don't need my protection like you did then. Now
you protect me like I do you."

 Rei nodded gravely. "I will protect you. I would die to protect
you."

 "Ayanami..." Shinji sighed, putting his head in his hand. "Please
don't say things like that... It's too sad."

 "It is the truth," she stated.

 "But I don't want you to do that... I'd be so lonely without you." Rei
lowered her head and stared at her lap. Shinji saw that she was blushing
again. He smiled. "Rei, you're not eating your cake."

 Head still low, she took a bite. Slowly the blush faded from her
cheeks, but she did not look at him.

 They ate in silence. Shinji finished his piece and set down his fork. He
rested his chin on his hand, and stared across the table at Rei, whose
face was concealed by her tangled blue bangs. He sighed, and wondered why
he was staring, why he felt so content just sitting there watching her
eat. It was strange, that he should feel content when he should instead
be afraid.

 Shinji's own thoughts shocked him. Afraid? Why should he be afraid?
He had been afraid of her, like he was of anyone he didn't know. He knew
her now, though, and thought of her as a friend. Why should knowing her
make him afraid? To his unfocused stare, her hair became like a window
onto a turbulent ocean frozen in time. 

 Knowing her... That should make him afraid? He furrowed his brow. She
was his friend; he should not be afraid of her. He wasn't afraid. Still,
he couldn't shake the feeling that he was forgetting something, and that
something should make him fear. What was it? Did he know too much? He
was sure now that there was something he had forgotten. Something
horrible. Yet he still was not afraid.

 "I am not afraid," he muttered aloud.

 Rei's head swung up and red eyes locked onto his. The motion caught
Shinji's memory. The buried something was threatening to come up. While
still not afraid, Shinji began to worry.

 "Of what?" Rei asked. She took a bite of cake without taking her eyes
off of Shinji.

 Her voice and the nonchalance of her actions reassured him. Yet he
still felt the tugging at his memory. He was sure now that he would not
like the memory when it came to him. It would make him afraid. Afraid of
her.

 They silently looked into each other's eyes. Rei forked more cake
into her mouth. Now Shinji could find no contentment in watching her. He
could not look away, either. Her gaze seemed to penetrate him, skewering
him with the sensation that she was seeing in a way beyond human. As
though she were looking at him with dozens of eyes...

 "I remember!" he said, his voice tinged with horror.

 Rei drew back in alarm. She brought a hand up to her chest, and her
eyes widened in shock. Opening her mouth, she sucked in her breath. She
jerked as the breath was suddenly cut off with a gurgling sound.

 The nature of Shinji's fear changed instantly. "What's wrong,
Ayanami?"

 She didn't respond, but reached up to her throat. She shook a
little, but didn't make any noise. "Hey, Ayanami?" Shinji began to
panic. "Ayanami, say something! Ayanami!" Her eyes closed, slowly, 
and she fell sideways off of the chair.

"Ayanami!"

--

 Shinji and Rei stood before of one of the huge grey doors between
tunnels in the labrynthine NERV complex.
 
 Rei reached out and rapidly pressed a sequence of buttons on the
control panel. The door opened, revealing a long tunnel lined with
machinery and wires. "Come, Ikari-kun," she said, and began walking
briskly down the tunnel.

 Shinji stood staring for a moment, then realized that Rei was
already far down the tunnel, almost out of sight. 

 He ran down the tunnel, calling after her. "Ayanami? Hey, Hey!
Ayanami!" The machinery hummed around him as he ran past. He saw her 
turn to the right up ahead, and she was out of view.

 He ran faster. Around the corner was a wide short staircase that
went up to a broad platform, on which stood a number of large computers
and other electrical equipment. Two sides of the platform were against
the wall of the building, the other had a railing. There was no sign of
Ayanami.

 Shinji walked up the stairs onto the platform. He went to the
railing and looked out over a vast pool of LCL. The still orange liquid
looked strangely serene. "Ayanami?" he called out into the darkness
surrounding the pool. His voice reflected back at him from the darkness,
sounding desolate.

 On one wall of the platform was a door. Shinji went to it and opened
it. Beyond was a dimly lit hallway with doors on either side. It looked
like a hospital. Shinji walked into the hallway. "Ayanami?" he said, but
did not raise his voice.

 Slowly he walked down the hallway, scanning each door to see if
perhaps Ayanami had gone behind it. Each door had a sheet in the plastic
file on it, but he did not recognize the names. In the antiseptic
stillness, he could hear his own heart beating.

 Bluish light shone form a window crossed with wire on a door marked
"Quarantine" in large letters. Shinji stopped and stared at the door.
His
heart was beating faster. With trepidation he approached. He looked
through the window into a small hospital room with a single bed on which
a still figure lay.

 "Asuka?" In the pale light, her hair looked dull grey. Her eyes were
open, staring vacantly at the ceiling. Her chest rose and fell slowly.
An IV of some unknown liquid dripped into her arm.

 "Asuka?" Shinji repeated, softly, imploringly. "Asuka, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to." Shinji grabbed the door. It was locked. "Asuka, I'm
sorry. I won't do it again. Wake up, Asuka." His voice cracked. "Asuka!
Wake up! Speak to me!" He pulled on the door. It would not budge. He
pounded on it, looking through the window for some response from Asuka.
There was none.

 "Someone help her! Someone help me! Asuka! Misato! Ayanami!"

 "I am here, Ikari-kun." Rei spoke into his ear. Her voice had a
calming effect on Shinji, and his heart slowly stopped pounding.

 Shinji didn't turn away from the window. "Ayanami... what happened
to Asuka?"

 "She lost her purpose for living," Rei whispered, "and now she is no
longer truly alive."

 "That is so sad..." Shinji replied. He struggled with the inadequacy
of his words, but couldn't think of anything else to say.

 "Will this happen to you, Ikari-kun?" Her warm breath touched his
ear. "When your purpose is gone?"

 "I..." Shinji closed his eyes. "I think I can go on living no matter
what, though I wouldn't want to..."

 "I would want you to." Her breath was even closer, hotter now.

 Shinji looked back at the still form in the room as he addressed
Rei. "What about you? Can you live without a purpose?"

 There was no answer.

 Shinji stood in silence, watching the slow drip of the IV, the pulse
of the monitors, and the shallow rise and fall of Asuka's chest. Rei's
quiet exhalations were warm on his skin and softly soothing in his ear.
Each event had its own rhythm, yet made part of a whole, surrealist
atmosphere. It was peaceful. Safe.

 Slowly he became aware of a nagging feeling at the back of his mind.
A reminder of something he had forgotten -- something important.
Something he was to blame for. He hoped that it would recede into
darkness again. He waited, counting time by the dripping of the IV.
Rei's
breathing seemed grow louder in his ear, to consume more of his focus,
and he involuntarily remembered what was wrong.

 "I'm sorry, Ayanami," he said, breaking the silence despite his
reluctance.

 The silence returned, and remained for some time before she
answered. "Why?" Her voice was barely audible, even so close to his ear.

 "You died," he said, shocked at her question. "You were choking and
I couldn't do anything."

 "That is okay, Ikari-kun," Rei murmured.

 Her voice was soothing. Shinji deliberately resisted. He clenched
his fists at his sides. "No, it's not! You needed me and I couldn't save
you! I didn't even try!"

 "It's all right." 

 "But..."

 "Ikari-kun," Rei interrupted him, "I did not want you to."

 "But Ayanami," Shinji began, turning at last to look her in the
eyes.

 She wasn't there. The hallway was empty.

 "Ayanami!"

--

 Shinji and Kaoru stood before of one of the huge grey doors between
tunnels in the labrynthine NERV complex. 

 Kaoru smiled at Shiji. He glanced at the door. It opened, revealing a
broad flat landscape of dust. As far as could be seen, in regular rows,
were tombstones. "Come on, Shinji-kun." 

 The pair walked through the door. It closed behind them and ceased
to be. Kaoru kept his calm smile and looked straight ahead as he walked.
Shinji looked at the grave markers as he passed them. 'Ikari Yui', the
first one he saw said. The grave beside it was marked 'Ikari Gendou'. He
marked off each in his head as he passed, his confusion growing. <Ryougi
Kaji, Katsuragi Misato, Suzahara Touji...>

 "Kaoru?" Shinji said, feeling some need for support. He stopped and
looked out across the seemingly endless field of white graves.

 "Hmm?" Kaoru stopped and met Shinji's questioning stare with a
smile.

 "What happened?" Shinji had a feeling he already knew, but he needed
his friend to confirm it.

 "Everyone is dead." There was a horrible portent behind the word
'everyone', but Kaoru said it plainly, as though stating the time of
day. "You would not kill me, so humanity died. Wasn't that your wish? 
That I could live?"

 Shinji didn't answer. He looked at the grave he had stopped in front
of. Soryuu Asuka Langley. "Asuka..." he whispered. Then aloud he said "I
thought... I think you deserve to live more than me. But... Asuka..."

 Kaoru nodded. "So you did kill me, and then Third Impact occurred.
Same effect." He shrugged.

 "Is that true?" Shinji said, but did not wait for an answer. He
began walking along the row of graves, searching.

 "Shinji-kun?" 

 "I'm looking for..."

 "Who?" Kaoru sat down cross-legged in the dirt.

 "I'm looking for..." Shinji said, frowning. He could envison who he
was looking for. He cast about furtively. "The name was..." What was it?
"A girl..." Was she? "Quiet..." Always.

 "Ah, I know who you are talking about." Kaoru made a dismissive
gesture. "There is no such person," Kaoru said. 

 "Yes there is! Or was... Or..." 

 "See, you cannot remember who that person is. She never existed."

 "I..." Shinji found it was true. He couldn't remember anything about
her. Or that there was a her to remember. He had just said her name a
moment ago, he was sure. He was very confused. "How...?" He left the
question unfinished, unable to frame it in his growing agitation.

 "It was what she wanted," Kaoru said, the contradiction not
troubling him at all.

 Shinji put his hand to his aching forehead. "No, that is wrong,
somehow..."

 "Then it is what you wanted, Shinji-kun. That's what all this is."
He leaned back on his hands and looked up at the blue sky.

 "What I... Is that what I wanted? My head hurts... I can't
remember..." Even as he said it, he realized that he could remember, if
he wanted. Just by remembering, she would have existed, whoever she was.
Yet he did not. He was afraid to remember. The more he thought about
remembering, the more his stomach clenched with fear. His head was
pounding.

 Kaoru began to hum quietly. His eyes were closed and he had a
contented smile on his face. Shinji didn't recognize the tune, but he
found himself being caught up in it. He focused on the song, and lost
his train of thought. He began to hum along with his friend, who stood
and moved closer to him. The two began to walk through the infinite
graveyard side by side, singing.

 Recollection struck Shinji without warning. He jerked away from
Kaoru, took a few stumbling steps toward the horizon. He looked up at
the sky, and shouted.

 "Ayanami!"

--

 Shinji and Asuka stood before of one of the huge grey doors between
tunnels in the labrynthine NERV complex.
 
 Asuka reached out and swiped her ID badge through the reader beside
the door. The door opened, revealing a small break room. "Come on, Third
Child," Asuka said.
 
 She entered the room, with Shinji just behind her. She went to the
refrigerator, opened it, and removed a cake dish. She set the cake down
on the small table, and sat down on one of the two folding chairs.
"Let's have some cake," she said.

 "Mmm," Shinji said, nodding. He got two forks from the drawer beside
the sink, and two paper plates from a cabinet. He took the lid off of
the cake -- a two layer chocolate with chocolate frosting -- and cut a
piece for himself and one for Asuka.

 Shinji poked absentmindedly at his slice with the fork. He looked
over and saw Asuka had already began to eat her piece with vigor. He
sighed.

 "Asuka..." he started.

 "What, Third Child?" she replied around a mouthful of cake.

 "Asuka, I'm sorry." The words came naturally to him, almost too much
so. They were from the heart, though. "I'm so sorry I-"

 "Shinji." Asuka's direct tone stopped him cold.

 "What, Asuka?"

 "Shut up and eat your cake."

--

 Shinji put the pencil down. He looked briefly over what he had
written. He had forgotten each part of the dream as he had written it,
and re-reading it was as though he was seeing it for the first time. Was
it the recurring dream? He couldn't be sure, since he couldn't remember
the other dreams, but he felt they were recurring. It was close enough.

 He turned off the desk lamp, climbed into bed, and fell almost
instantly asleep.

 Half an hour later, his alarm went off. He woke feeling strangely
well rested. He got up and went about his morning routine with a smile
on his face. Shinji found himself humming a tune he couldn't quite place 
as he grabbed the small brown bottle of prescription medication. He 
stopped in the act of opening it, then set the bottle down. That day for
some reason he didn't think he needed it.

 Just before he left, he grabbed the paper off his desk. He folded it
and put it in his pocket, intending to bring it to his session later in
the day. Shinji smiled, thinking how happy the nonsensical scribblings
would make his therapist who was -- so Shinji was convinced -- a closet
Freudian. It might even distract him enough to keep him from getting on
Shinji for skipping his medication.
 
 Shinji walked out of his apartment, humming and thinking of
chocolate cake.

--
end

--
first posted 7/2/1999
wyrm@engin.umich.edu
http://www.umich.edu/~wyrm/abp/fanfic.html