(The scene opens with the U.S.S. Alpha being held stationary by tractor beams
next to the Borg cube.  Suddenly, the tractor beams stop.) 

(Inside the Borg ship, we see Sailor Venus reporting to Sailor Mercury.)

Sailor Venus (frantically): We have a problem!

Sailor Mercury: And what would that be?

Sailor Venus: Our tractor beams died! (She points the piles on piles of
Case/International tractors that have either smoke, steam, or fire coming out
from their engines.)

Sailor Mercury (face-faulting): I *knew* we should have bought those John Deere
tractors...

(We switch to Luna, Artemis, and Onna-Ranma as she examines herself in a fuku.)

Onna-Ranma's voice: Personal Log, Stardate 2083.9. Now I'm in hell. I'm not
afraid of cats anymore, but I've traded that problem with a more deeper one, the
ability to turn from a male to a female. But, I fear that this is only the
beginning, because now I will be assimulated, but before they do that, they have
let me at least pick out my own fuku.

Luna: So, what do you think?

(We pan up from Onna-Ranma's feet, and see a very pink dress with purple horsey
prints all along up to the top of the dress. To say that the dress fills
Onna-Ranma out is an understatement.)

Artemis: I still think she should wear that leather fuku dress.

Luna: And become attacked by men carrying Cheez Whiz? (She closes her eyes.) I
don't think so.

Onna-Ranma: So, are you going to put in those icky implants on me?

Artemis: Well, Washu was close to developing a bio-tech implants that would make
putting these implants in so obsolete. Could I interest you into getting a
breast implant, Ranma? (Onna-Ranma looks at her breast and tweaks them a bit.)

Onna-Ranma: Um, no. My breast seem big enough.

Luna: Good. Now we'll have to start the assimulation procedure.

Artemis: Can't we at least see what she'd look like in a leather fuku? Please?

Luna (turns to Artemis): Artemis, of all of the cats I've ever dated, I'd never
guess you'd do something like this!

Artemis: Sorry, I guess my assimulation of Oscar kinda shows.

Luna: Hmm...perhaps an adjustment should be made on you before we go any
farther. (She turns towards where Ranma was...except she's not there anymore.)
Ranma? Ranma? Dang it! We've lost Ranma!

Artemis: But he couldn't have gone far, or else our sensors would have picked
her up.

Luna: Except we have the BOY Ranma's DNA on file. Not the GIRL Ranma, you baka!

Artemis: Uncute.

Luna: Pervert!

Artemis: Tomboy!

(The two cats hiss at each other and then goes right into a free-for-fall
catfight.)

(We return to the warp core of the U.S.S. Alpha. There, we see Queen Bezrel,
Kunzite, Zolcite, and Jadeite, watching a movie.)

Jadeite: I dunno...I mean isn't Will Smith just a little too friendly to be
James West?

Queen: This is the Wild, Wild West after all. He is cute, through.

Kunzite: And I thought "Miami" was an annoying music video.

Zolcite: Couldn't be any worse than the "Men In Black" video.

Queen (looks at her TV Guide): Hmm...Next up is "Manos: Hands of Fate." Is it
any good? (The others face-fault.)

(We switch over to a typical Starfleet Coridor, where Genma, Soun, Ayeka, Ryoko,
and Sasami have illegal guns cocked and ready for a fight.)

Genma: Where are we?

Soun (holding up a tricorder): I believe we're on Deck 1.

Sasami: That means that we should be pretty close to the bridge.

Ayeka: Yeah, but the bridge is on Deck 4. I think.

Ryoko: No, it's Deck 2.

Sasami: I think Ryoko's right, sis.

Ryoko: For once.

Soun: Wait, I pick up two lifeforms right below us.

Genma: Hmm...(he turns to Ryoko) Can't you lay on the floor and allow us to pass
through? We could surprise them that way. 

Ryoko: Gee, not a bad idea.

Soun: For once.

Sasami: Great. Now, let's set our phasers on for deep hurting. (They do that.)
Let's do it!

(Ryoko falls onto the floor, and half-way passes from the corridor to the
ceiling of the next room. Everyone else jumps through the fissure, and Ryoko
lands on all of them afterwards. They get up and see Nabiki and Tenchi sleeping
together, naked. Everyone gasps.)

Ayeka, Ryoko, and Sasami: T-t-tenchi?!

Soun: Nabiki?! My Daughter!!!

(Ryo-oh-ki jumps up on the bed.)

Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa! (She holds up a video tape marked, "No Need for Clothes! 
Volume One.")

(Tenchi and Nabiki awake. They're both dressed in the typical Borg outfit, but
aren't wearing anything else. The girls drool. Soun faints. Genma blinks.
Ryo-oh-ki grins.)

Tenchi and Nabiki (glaring): Resistance is futile.

Ryoko: Oh, yeah? Resist this! (She aims her sword at them. Suddenly, Ryo-oh-ki
transforms into her spaceship and rips much of the walls and stuff away. She
aims her guns right at Ryoko.)

Ayeka: Um, Ryoko, do you think this'll work?

Ryoko: Ryo-oh-ki wouldn't hurt me. (Suddenly, Tenchi and Nabiki strip their Borg
hardware. Ryoko drops her her sword and does her best howling imitation.) On the
otherhand, man, what a stud Tenchi-chan is! 

Ayeka (wide-eyed): Yeah!

Sasami (her arms wide open): Baby, I wanna get assimulated right now!!!

(The girls fall over in a heap of puppy love, while Genma notices Nabiki, and
gets a nose-bleed and faints. Soun gets up.)

Soun: Gaak...wait! (Demon-head mode) You will stop being a Borg right NOW OR
ELSE I'LL LET YOU HAVE IT! (Tenchi and Nabiki's wires short circuit and they
fall right out of bed. Ryo-oh-ki turns back into her cabbit form and tries to
hide underneath the bed. Soun catches the cabbit and starts spanking her.) 

Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa! Miyaa! (The cabbit starts to cry. Tenchi wakes up and notices
where he is and who's here.) Wait! Don't hurt the cabbit! It's not her fault!

Soun (still in Demon-head mode): AND YOU, Sir, YOU GOT MY DAUGHTER PREGNANT!!!

Tenchi (looks at a very dazed Nabiki and at himself): Oh...(He realizes what's
he's done.) Ack!

Nabiki (blushing): Daddy...I can explain.

Soun (STILL in Demon-head mode): YOU DO REALIZE THIS MEANS YOU'LL HAVE TO MARRY
MY DAUGHTER! (Everyone looks stunned.)

Tenchi: Uh...excuse me?

Ayeka, Sasami, and Ryoko: WHAT?!

Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa?

Soun (calms down): You've gotten my daughter pregnant. Unless you marry her, I
will kill you! (He pulls out the Var-T disruptor. Everyone gasps.)

Nabiki: Um, Daddy...you know that's illegal.

Soun: You didn't destroy them like you should have.

Nabiki: Of course I didn't, I was planning to sell them to an alien species at
the right time. Of course, if you do use them, then I'll have to wait until the
time would be right again...and that could take months.

Tenchi (sighs): Okay. I'll marry your daughter. Um, can I get some clothes now?

All of the girls: No! (Miyaa!)

Nabiki (whispering to Tenchi): Um, why do...I mean I wouldn't mind being married
to a stud muffin like you, but---

Tenchi (whispering to Nabiki): I've seen Ranma's file. I don't want to get into
the same kinds of problems that he did. 

(Meanwhile, Onna-Ranma is running through the corridors of the Borg ship,
looking for a way to escape.)

Onna-Ranma: Man, apparently, the Borg do not believe in defeat. I couldn't find
one single escape pod in this freakin' place.(She peeks down a corridor. There,
she sees Kasumi, a still hypnotised Akane, Sailor Moon and Sailor Pluto there
chatting. Kasumi, Sailor Moon and Sailor Pluto are drinking tea and eating
cookies.) 

Akane (in a dreamy voice): I really wanna marry Ranma and turn him into a
sex-slave! (Onna-Ranma starts to big-sweat.)

Kasumi: That's nice, but you've mentioned that for a long time now. Is there
anything else you'd want to do?

Akane: Nooo...unless it involves sacrificing chickens with Cheez Whiz.

Sailor Moon: Hmm...that can be done. Would you agree, Sailor Pluto?

Sailor Pluto: Oh, yes. We can even use rubber chickens, if you like.

Onna-Ranma's voice (thinking): Gotta get out of here. Hmm...maybe I'll fool the
girls enough to find a way out of here.

Sailor Moon: So, do you have anyone else under your spell, Kasumi?

Kasumi: Well, I did get Ranma to think he's a girl whenever I clap my hands
three times like this. (Clap, clap, clap. Instantly Onna-Ranma comes out looked
as dazed as Akane is.)

Onna-Ranma (in a dream-like voice): Mistress Kasumi, I heard you calling me, and
I came by to see how I can serve you? (Sailor Moon and Sailor Pluto are amazed.)

Kasumi: Oh, my! How come you're looking like a real girl?

Onna-Ranma: Two cats cured me of my fear of cats, but in the process gave me the
curse of the Spring of Drowned Girl.

Kasumi: I see. (She smiles.) That means I'll have to improvise my hypnosis on
you! I want you to be a real-life girl, and understand the womanly side of the
force!

Onna-Ranma: W-what change would that be, mistress?

Kasumi: Look at me. Stare at me. (Onna-Ranma does.) From now on, regardless
whether you are under my control or not, you will not only sympathize girls, but
you will accept your curse as is. You will not have any urges to wish to become
just a boy or just a girl.

Onna-Ranma: But wouldn't that just---

Kasumi (smiling): Did I ask you to speak?

Onna-Ranma (who's profusely big-sweating): Um, no.

Kasumi: Well, then, you'll have to pay the penalty.

Onna-Ranma: Of course, Mistress Kasumi.

Kasumi: Good, I want you to come over here. I'm going to undress you.

Sailor Moon: Hey! You just can't do that here!

Kasumi (growling): You're next.

Sailor Pluto (to the audience): What you may not have known is that we've
replaced the Kasumi that the author usually uses and replaced her with the
psycho known as the Kasumi the Axe-Murder (TM), complete with the fresh new
ability to hypnotise anyone, even me. 

Kasumi: Sailor Pluto, I want you to go and whip Sailor Moon. And call her Usagi
while you're at it.

Sailor Pluto (in a dreamy-like voice): Yesss, Mistress Kasumi. (Snarling) Okay,
Usagi, you're gonna get whipped! (Sailor Pluto starts chasing Sailor Moon.)

Sailor Moon: Wai! (to the Audience) This never happened to Eleven of Nine...

(Meanwhile, we switch over to Dr. Tofu's sick bay where Nabiki is getting
examined by the good doctor while some of the girls are negotating with James,
Ash, and Ryouga.)

Ryouga: Okay, let me get this straight. You want me to marry you, and in return,
you'll give me shares of Amazon.com stock?

Ryoko: Yeah! I mean you are very cute and all.

Ryouga: But you're a pirate? H-h-h-ow'd you get stock of something like that
anyway?

Ryoko: Hey, a girl gotta get some income, even if you're robbing the rich and
giving it to the poor.

Ash: No, I'm not marrying you, Sasami, I don't care how good you are with
pokemons.

Sasami: I know Ash, (whispering) but there's just one mon I'd like to poke. (Ash
blushes, big-sweats, you name it.)

Misty (grinning): You'd better fix that bike before you marry this illegal girl
here. (Ash growls at Misty while Pikachu and Ryo-oh-ki giggle.)

Ash (grumbling): You're not exactly eighteen yourself, Misty.

Sasami (putting her hands around Ash): But just think, I have a pet cabbit, I
look like Sailor Moon on Steroids, what more could you want? (Ash promptly
starts to big-sweat while Misty laughs and laughs.)

James: You and I, are very much alike, no?

Ayeka: We're both arrogant, stupid, and rich...why not?

James: You're a Princess. I'm just a mere idiot.

Ayeka: So, that's never stopped me before.

James: Okay! How about next week?

(We see Pikachu, Meowth, Ryo-oh-ki, and Washu playing a game of cards.)

Pikachu: Pika?

Meowth: Meowth!

Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa! (She folds up her cards.)

Washu: Alright...Royal Flush! (A whole other set of cards fall out from her
sleeves. The animals glare at Washu and then pile on her and start a fight.)

Nabiki: So, how pregnant am I, Doc?

Dr. Tofu: Very pregnant. You'd better stop playing Captain for the time being.
Strict orders.

Nabiki: Great, that means Herb'll be in charge. Gee, I hope he realizes what's
he getting himself into.

Tenchi: Nabiki, he should do just fine. I'm sure he's probably not sweating
about this situation right now.

(We cut to the Borg ship. We see Herb chained up on a bed. He's big-sweating.
Chibi-chibi comes towards him.)

Chibi-chibi: Now, before I assimulate you, I wanna see how good you do in
bed...heh heh hah hahah!!! And by the time I'm done with you, you'll never want
another woman ever again! Bwhahahahaha! (She arches back cutely.)

Herb: B-b-but why me? Why not somebody else?

Chibi-chibi: I've always wanted to marry an elite officer...and since I'm too
annoying for anyone to want to date me, I'll have to do it by force. (She starts
to maniacally grin.) 

Herb: M-m-marrriage?! (Chibi-chibi cackles out in laughter as she starts to
undress. Herb screams as the scene mercifully fades.) 

******************************************************

Will Onna-Ranma enjoy being a girl? Will Sailor Pluto whip Usagi into shape? 
Would Tenchi even think about marrying Nabiki? Will the author ever realize
someone switched Kasumis? Will Sasami Poke her man? (I know, bad pun...you can
all flame me in the morning...) Will Herb survive his sex-torchure by inane
kawaiiness? Will Akane's subconscious dream of having Ranma be her sex slave
stay subconscious? Is this any good? Find out there and other silly questions
answered next time in Part Four of "By the Power of the Borg": "I'm Borged!" 

******************************************************