--- Hotaru Savere <silverspane@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

HEYO!!!! Me again! Here is Pt.3!!!!! *bows* Thanks again to my
pre-reader. I 
am dyslexic and my spelling is nprmally atroscious, see? Well, oh, go
we 
here!!!!!!!

Quote of the day: (Well, my real name is Faith. I found this very
strange 
quote in readers digest.) "Fear can keep one up at night, but faith
makes 
one fine pillow." (scary huh?)

*Chuckle* You should try the effect of finding your real name, which
NEVER appears on one of those racks of pre-printed "personalized"
keychains, in the middle of a role-playing book....

Wordsmith Saturn
By Savere Hotaru
Music from: Unknown (99 Red Balloons), Billy Joel ( We didn't Start
the 
Fire), Dirty Dancing (Stand by Me)
Poetry from: Unknown
Pre-reader: Beky NeRichnead

Pt.3-Highschool

	Hotaru gathered her books together while listening to Haruka and
Michiru 
played duet on violin and piano. She looked over at the clock and ran

*Verb tense, dropped word: "... Michiru play a duet on...".*

towards the door. "Ja ne Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama!"

	Imani grinned. "For a moment I thought you were going to late like

*Dropped word: "... to be late...".*

Usagi."
	Hotaru managed to look hurt before Brian pulled them off towards
school. "I 
thought you weren't coming to High School, Imani." Hotaru said as

*Comma after "Imani".*

they neared the gates.

	They passed the gates to find chaos awaiting them. A blue haired

*Hyphen: "blue-haired girl".*

girl was 
beating up a large number of male students. A black haired boy was

*And: "black-haired boy".*

watching from atop a wall.

The student noticed the three standing by the gates. He focused on
Imani and smiled. He walked over to her. "Oh, my flame haired

goddess.

*Hyphen: "flame-haired goddess".*

I would 
date thee! Art thou a combatant that I should challenge?"

  "Excuse me?" she heard and jumped.
  She turned to see a dark haired boy wearing a bandana. He grimaced,

*Hyphen: "dark-haired boy".* 

"Sorry 
I scared you, but I heard you singing and was wondering if you coul

*Typo: "could".*

tell me 
where Nerima was from here."

	They headed south and idly chatted. Imani was happy for a respite
from her 
thoughts.

*You know, I was a little surprised by the addition of the R.5 cast and
setting--it tends to shift the whole focus of the fic.*

                                                         *
	Brian stopped to catch his breath. He was bent over breathing hard.
It 
couldn't be Thogan, Thogan was dead. It wasn't possible. Besides
Thogan 
would never hit on his- His thought was cut off by a soft voice
asking. 
"Would you like a drink?"

*Comma after "asking".*

	He looked up to see a brown haired girl. She smiled gently and he

*Hyphen: "brown-haired girl".*

nodded. 

	A short female redhead stomped into the room without seeing Brian.
She 
dumped the still warm teakettle over her head and turned into a
taller dark 
haired male. The one he had seen at school.

*Hyphen: "dark-haired male".*

	Brian nodded. "I avoid the place on general principle, but I was
there a 
few times." He stood and bowed. "Savere Brian,"

*Period after "Brian".  You can use one of the ones you replaced with a
comma earlier. ~_^*

	"She is my sister." Brain said. "I haven't been able find her."

*And then put the comma after "sister".*

	The blue haired girl strode in. "Who are you flirting with....." She

*H: "blue-haired girl".*

saw 
Brian. "Oh, hello."

	"We're going to find his sister." Ranma said.

*Comma after "sister".*

	"Oh," Akane said. "She looked horrified before she disappeared this 
moring."

*That's Akane, the soul of sensitivity....*

	"Of course, Brian-sempai." Akane answered.

*Comma after "Brian-sempai".*

	A mysterious figure rested above a black ball. "This boy is in the

*Gaahhh... sorry, but "mysterious figure" doesn't cut it for me--tell
me _why_ it's mysterious.  Is it shrouded in darkness, or bathed in an
impenetrable aura of green light?  Maybe it's wearing a billowing cloak
and has the hood pulled down?*

perfect 
position to kill Sailor Saturn. Nasha, turn him and give him his
orders."
	A woman bowed and vanished, glad to escape the black ball that was
bouncing 
up and down distractingly.

*Blinks* Luna-Ball?

	Both nodded and tried to inconspicuously use their supernatural
methods of 
detection.

*/Blinks/ Umm... isn't Rei's method of "detection" to scry a flame? 
Not exactly an "inconspicuous" approach....*

	"But I did catch a glimpse of a dark haired boy wearing a bandana."

*"dark-haired boy". Comma after "bandanna".*

Michiru 
added.
	"No wonder we can't find her! She's with Ryoga! He couldn't find a
hat on 
his head!" Ranma exclaimed.

*Chuckle.  Even though the "Ryouga, Dysfunctional Master of Time and
Space" concept is strictly a fic convention, it is well-done here.*

	A small blue haired girl and a dark haired boy came into the

*Hyphen, hyphen:  "blue-haired girl... dark-haired boy".*

clearing.

	Akane frowned, but gave up the line of thought.

*Hmmm... I think "conversation" or "questioning" would work better than
"thought" here.*

	"I hate this." he complained.

*Comma after "this".*

	Ryoga cleared his throat. "Planet Jurai?"

*Ummm... Ryouga should need a _little_ convincing to swallow all of
this....*

	The purple haired princess nodded. "I believe I may have heard of

*Hyphen: "purple-haired princess".*

the 
Wordsmiths before I was put into cryogenic stasis."

                                                 *****
	Ranma looked around. "We're only a few minutes from my cousin's
house. We 
should stop for a rest." He avoided looking at Hotaru.
	Brian nodded. "I agree. Mark?"
	Mark nodded. "We must hurry. The pattern shifts around us."
	The doubled their pace.

*Confusion, here.  Mark agrees to stop, because they need to hurry?*

	Ranma turned to Akane. "This is my cousin Masaki Tenchi." He turned
to 
Tenchi. "This is my fiance Tendo Akane. Our dad's set us up."

*No apostrophe: "dads".*

	The phone rang and Sasami ran off to get it. "Moshi-moshi?"
	"This is the goddess relief hotline. Please standby while we send
your 
consultant," a voice said.

*You know, I REALLY should have seen that one coming. *chuckle*

	"I wish that I could help Imani's daughter not to die." Sasami said.

*Comma after "die".*

	"I will explain." Imani said. "Brian, Nyale, Hotaru, Mark, and I are

wordsmiths. We were born many many years ago in nations that are not
even 
known of anymore. Brian, my eldest brother, and I were sheep herders.
Hotaru 
was a bard. Nyale was a dancer. Mark was just there." For Mark, the
comment 
was fitting. "We came together and shared our talents.
	One day we found an old oil lamp. We made wishes on it as a joke.

*You need an open-quotes at the start of the next 'graf (before "One
day").  Since the quote was continued, you don't need to close it after
the end of the previous 'graf, though.*

Hotaru 
wished that she would never grow old. I wished that we would see
every major 
historical happening. Brian wished we would never stop playing and 
versifying. Mark wished that we woud stay together forever. Nyale
wished  
that we would have many happy times." She paused. "Because of her
wish,  
every time Hotaru reaches age 20 she becomes a baby again. In one of
these 
lifetimes she became Sailor Saturn.

	"Have you ever really affected history?" Aeka asked.
	Brian grinned.

'49  "Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China,
        Johnny Ray
     South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe
        DiMaggio.

*Again, a chuckle.  Good use of the lyrics.*

	Nyale stood. "I'll watch over Hotaru tonight. You all should get
some 
rest." She gazed sternly at Imani, Brian, Haruka, and Michiru. "If
you don't 
sleep I swear I will knock unconscious myself."

*Dropped words:  "... knock you all unconscious...".*

	In the morning Imani worked out the details. Both Hotaru and Sasami
would 
move in with her. Sasami would train under Nyale. In a day or so
would be 
school again and the Wordsmiths would have to deal with Thogan, who
was now 
called Kuno.

*Hmmm.... I get the impression that SOMEONE is not a Kuno fan....*

Okay, here's my main piece of advice:  Slow down.  It's clear you've
got a story to tell here, and your writing is fairly adept.  But you're
currently moving the plot so fast we poor readers can barely get
settled in before another huge shift occurs.  Frankly, there's enough
going on here to call for a chapter between each of the chapters you've
sent out: 1.5 could give us some more background on what's happening
with the Scouts, and 2.5 would be a good time to cover some of this
backstory about Thogan.

Again, the story itself is interesting--take a few breaths and really
tell it.  You need to find the tempo....

--Freemage

End Pt.3


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