--- "David A. Tatum" <desaix@sysnet.net> wrote:

Heh... I promised myself I'd send this out the last time I could get
on the
internet before Otakon.  I thought that wouldn't be until noon today,
and
told my prereaders so, but I miscalculated and I have to send it out
at
(well, it's 2:04a here... I doubt anyone will get it for another
couple of
hours, at least).  So, here it is... I never got revisions from my
prereaders, so be warned.

Ooops.  Sorry about that.  I hadn't opened it yet, but I really WAS
going to do it at lunch today.... well, I'll do what I can on the
actual post....

Chapter 13

"Fine," Akane said, blushing.  Ranma noticed Akane's eyes lose a
little
focus.  "Yes, yes, good idea," she muttered and started searching
through
her mirror.

*Chuckle. I can just imagine what the suggestion was....

Oh, and I assume you meant, "... searching through her purse for her
mirror.", right?*

Pulling out a small compact, Akane looked at him, a sly glare in her

*I'll be honest, here--"sly glare" just doesn't work for me.  Not quite
sure what to suggest for a replacement, though....*

eyes. 
"Okay, Ranma- you want to know what a hickey is?  Let me
demonstrate..."

With that, she grabbed Ranma and started necking him.  Ranma was too

*Okay, I know what you mean here, but I'm not sure "necking" is a
transitive verb.... ^_^  I think either "nuzzling his neck" or
"suckling his neck" are more accurate.*

shocked to respond at first, and then found that she had pinned his
arms in
such a way he couldn't reciprocate.  All he could do was concentrate
on
that one particular spot Akane was working, and enjoy it.

"Er, you think there's nothing to worry about because KUNOU didn't
notice
anything?"

*Chuckle. Good line.*

Ranma sat down and quickly lost interest in the conversation.  Soon,
with
little else to do, he decided he'd just admire relax and admire

*Stray "admire" in there....*

Akane,
daydreaming.  He remained totally oblivious to everything else until
he
heard his name.

Ranma gagged.  "Argh...."  He turned to Akane, raising an eyebrow. 
"This
is all your fault," he accused mockingly.

*Yes! Pig-tail boy gets a score!*

"Okay."  Ranma picked Akane up into his arms, holding her to his
chest. 
Instinctively, Akane put her arms around him.  With a leap, the two
of them
started hopping from roof to roof, heading straight towards the
Tendou
dojo.

*Hmmm... not sure about this, but I tend to prefer the capitalization
of dojo when it's part of a title like that:  the Tendo Dojo.  Sort of
like the Sears Tower....*

Her attitude changed.  'Ah, good- now I can ask them about their
marraige... and tell them about Cologne's visit.'

*~Taps his foot~ Okay, failure to run spell-check, I won't take the
balme for. ~_^ "marriage"*

Akane hesitated.  "Well... maybe it'll be a good idea to let everyone
work
out there anger now.  Before the ceremony."

*Of course, homonyms are the fault of the prereader: "their anger".*

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me," Ranma began.  "Akane and I would like to
keep
our marraige a secret for now....  We want there to be a ceremony
that you
and pops and Akane's family could all see and enjoy, but we're afraid
that
if pops and Mr. Tendou find out we're planning this ceremony they'll
ruin
it."

*I REALLY think "pops" needs to be capitalized in the above 'graf.*

Cologne continued to pace.  Ukyou had not arrived back yet.  That,
however,
was not what was worrying her.  What WAS worrying her was that she
had lost
all sense of the Oni being anywhere in the area- stretching her
senses to
the limit should have found it anywhere in Tokyo, but she didn't
catch a
whiff of it... and if it wasn't in Tokyo, then it was out of her
reach. 
That was unacceptable- there had to be some way of bringing it back,
so
that she could destroy it once and for all

*And you need either a period or an ellipses at the end here....*

Okay, folks, pure and simple, I dropped the ball.  I take full and
total responsibility for any and all error in the above story OTHER
than the misspelling of "marriage".

--Freemage
  Who would NOT want to be in the Oni's position right now... I mean,
Cologne for skill AND Ukyou for psychotic rage? *Shudder*.


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